College football: Just here for the jokes

Coming of age in a Canadian border town, and being a fan for all seasons, nurtured a deep and abiding reverence for U.S. college football's old Eastern powerhouses.

These days, it takes the form of:

• Being a Michigan and Syracuse sympathizer, which should not be confused for "supporter."
  
• Never passing up a chance to make sport of that team with gold helmets in South Bend, Indiana.
• Wondering how long Penn State will have to wait to join the 21st century. Joe Paterno just might coach until he's 130 years old.

In the spirit of that, the past 24 hours would have to rate as particularly outstanding. There's a story in The New York Times that the Notre Dame Fighting Irish want to play a game against Army at the new Yankee Stadium, just like they did in the days when wide receivers were called "offensive ends" and those offensive ends were usually all white guys. Far be it to point out appealing to nostalgia can sometimes be the worst kind of cynicism, since the past is a place where, hey-hey, things cannot get any worse after going 10-15 the past two seasons under Charlie Weis.

You can respect what happened in the past and realize it was past. It's odd and off-putting to want to harken back to a thankfully bygone era that predates good things in college football, like integration, the two-platoon system and New York City being less important to the grand scheme of things than places Sinatra never sung about, like Lubbock, Texas and and Gainesville, Florida.

One impulse is to let the blue-and-gold babies have their bottle. Notre Dame wanting to play Army at the Yankees' monument to malfeasance isn't about honouring the Four Horsemen or Johnny Lujack.

Notre Dame is simply trying to ensure it never has to play more thanfour games a season (out of 12) in an opposing team's stadium. Their tentative schedule through 2014 is loaded with neutral site games:

• vs. Washington State in San Antonio this season;
• vs. Army at Chicago;
• vs. Navy in Dublin, Ireland;
• vs. Arizona State at Arlington, Texas;

A modest suggestion is Notre Dame should schedule a game against Turner Gill's Buffalo Bulls at Rogers Centre in Toronto. Of course, they'd probably lose.

Deadspin was on this:

"Great news! The most obnoxiously self-indulgent team in college football wants to join forces with the most obnoxiously self-indulgent team in baseball. Yes, folks: Notre Dame wants to play football in shiny new Yankee Stadium.

"The guy goes on to yammer incontinently about the "great historical significance" of a mediocre college football program playing tackle football in a brand new, boondoggling slot machine of a ballpark — excuse me, stadium. I'll grant him that such an event would be "historically significant," but only to the extent that it would very likely create a vast sucking vortex of televised insufferability such as the world has never known. At least, not since the last time Michael Kay called a baseball game.

Meantime, as for Syracuse, The Times' college football countdown has ranked Kinger's new favourite team No. 103 in the country. That's kind of bad for a school which has had so many great football players that Marvin Harrison isn't even included in the old grey lady's top five (Harrison is the fourth-leading receiver in NFL history).

There is the residual hope that comes with a coaching change. The new head football coach, Doug Marrone, was successful in the NFL with the New Orleans Saints and he played for the 'Cuse. At the same time, when someone is saying a home game against the University of Maine (a lower-division team) is a must-win, there's a long way to go.

Granted, there is some appeal to becoming an Orange fan for sports other than basketball just for the jokes, but what would that make me?*

(* An even bigger A-hole than usual?)

Political football: Jeer, jeer for old Notre Dame

This is a little rich coming from people affiliated with a school which employed crookeder-than-a-dog's-hind-leg Lou Holtz as its head football coach for 11 years. University of Notre Dame folk, claiming the school has "chosen prestige over principles, popularity over morality," are trying to block President Barack Obama from being its commencement speaker, because he lifted the ban on U.S. federal funding for stem cell research. And here you thought it was because the Irish football team didn't get a bailout after going 10-15 the past two seasons. (Fifteen losses used to be a bad decade for the Irish in Ara Parseghian's day.)

It's not really about sports, but feel free to see use it as a reason to hope Notre Dame never wins another major bowl game in our lifetime. You have to see the big picture.

I am not a political being (while maybe I am, which is why I'm hiding over in sports). A debate over stem cells, to this self-described South Park Democrat (not a conservative, but hates liberals in a we-can-smell-our-own kinda way), just seems so foolish. Everything you need to know about the lunacy of the debate is furnished by a Family Guy episode where Peter is maimed in a car wreck. He goes to the stem cell clinic, comes out good as new, and exclaims, "Why are we not funding this?"

Anyway, apologies in advance for being a Grade-A, ass-talking pot-stirrer ... Keith Josef Adkins from The Root had some words worth sharing:

"Have these folks lost their minds?! I was raised Catholic. My great-great grandmother was the only black woman who attended Cincinnati's St. Rose Catholic Church and they wouldn't let her take Communion or have Confession. Why? Blacks weren't good enough to eat the body of Christ. Yeh, that was nearly 100 years ago, but the Church still hasn't said Boo about that. I digress ... Look, it blows me away that the Catholic church can make an aggressive effort to shut down Obama because of federal funding that comes out of all of our pockets."

It's not the whole Notre Dame community (apparently Obama beat John McCain in on-campus straw polling), but all it takes is a few bad apples, says I.

You would never see, say, people at Syracuse University, be so high-handed (as far as we know; SU doesn't get the same kind of scrutiny). You'll probably never see Syracuse win a major bowl game in our lifetimes, either, but that's another post.

Related:
Obama's Banned from Notre Dame (Keith Josef Adkins, The Root)

Heartily endorsing this event and/or product: XMp3 portable satellite radio

Astute readers might have noticed the odd reference to XM radio over the past few weeks.

This is long overdue in posting, but long story short, a marketing company hooked me up with the new XMp3 portable satellite radio a few weeks ago. From here through Jan. 31, they're on for $199 (they retail for $279), and they'll throw in a $50 programming credit, which will cover the first three months, and a two-gig SD card. It works out to savings of $150. Just click through:

www.xmradio.ca/xmp3offer

It's a XM Radio you can actually take with you as you're walking down the street or using public transit (wform calls for a review.

Sports programming: Obviously, this is where the big payoff comes for someone who is sports-minded. XM has the home team broadcast of every NBA and NHL game, along with college basketball and football from the Big East, Big Ten, Atlantic Coast (ACC) and Southeastern (SEC) conferences. It helps break one's dependency on hoping that there's a good college basketball game available on one of your cable channels early on a Saturday afternoon. It's a lot cheaper than buying a specialty package in order to watch an occasional college game, such as the Syracuse Orange's 19-point rout over Notre Dame today.

MLB Home Plate and NHL Home Ice each offer a very good alternative to over-the-air channels, which are aimed more at a general interest. The baseball channel is manna at this point in the calendar, when most over-the-air channels in Canada might go a whole week without talking about baseball in any depth. It's a breath of fresh air to hear a host use a term like "AAAA player," assuming listeners know what that means.

Former Blue Jays catcher and TSN/ESPN analyst Buck Martinez hosts in the late morning slot; it's great just to hear Buck again. The afternoon show, Baseball Beat with Charley Steiner, has baseball writers from throughout the States. (Update: Unfortunately, Steiner's show has been cancelled, but it could always be resurrected.)

Home Plate could stand to improve in the type of analysis. It is high time someone did a baseball show that embraced more sophisticated, Bill James-style analysis. It would be a natural for something that's aimed at a niche audience.

NHL Home Ice is also better than advertised. It's a reflex to slag anything that comes from the big brains at BettmanCo., but it provides a pretty good survey of what's going on in in the game. Hockey Prospects Radio, a Saturday show with Shane Malloy, is a good offering. Just today, they were talking about Kingston Frontenacs centre Ethan Werek being a "sleeper pick" in the NHL draft.

As for live games, XM breaks the monotony of listening to the same commentators game after game (in the case of a certain Ottawa team, it also means getting a refreshingly honest take on the team's state of affairs).

Music: It must be a sign of creeping middle-ageness. The music channels probably need to go deeper in their song catalogs; it seems like there is a lot of repetitiveness within each one, but that can mitigated if you expand your listening range to several genres/styles. I'm veerly sharply toward old-fartism

Canadian music selections, save for the artists who really hit it big in the U.S. (Neil Young, Nelly Furtado) can be few and farther between, although The Band's Acadian Driftwood came on at the perfect time last night. It was followed by the late, great Warren Zevon's Carmelita, so you can imagine where I was at that point.

Favourites include Classic Vinyl (Channel 46), especially late at night, and XMU, which is more college rock.

Bottom line: XM costs a lot less than digital cable. It's better than most of commercial radio and could even be considered as a reasonable alternative to cable TV, especially as streaming picks up in the next few years. It's worth looking into. Thanks again to the company who hooked us up.

Bills (and Bulls) in Toronto: Phil Lind just doesn't get it

Awful Announcing has provided the perfect illustration for how badly Rogers exec Phil Lind has misread the play with the Bills in Toronto.

(This has happened in Toronto before. When will people learn?)

This is not new news, but it's worth putting in front of people and juxtaposing it against what Lind, the vice-chairman at Rogers, told the National Post in the summer:

"Via television, the Bills series will re-introduce Toronto to American viewers as a tourist haven. We will beam our fair city and all its selling points into millions of American homes. Media outlets will do features, journalists will visit. This is the type of opportunity that simply does not come along very often. Those who oppose the Bills-in-Toronto initiative may have the best of intentions, but they are simply wrong."

Well, those orange areas are the parts of the United States that are getting Dolphins-Bills as their 4 p.m. game on CBS. The competition in that timeslot is the Dallas Cowboys-Pittsburgh Steelers game on FOX, which matches two teams which have national followings in America and beyond. Phil Lind's vision of Joe Six-Pack and Betty Housecoat calling travel agencies on Monday morning to inquire about hotel accomodations in Tor-on-to suddenly became much less vast.

To answer USA Today's question, it's not worth reopening the NFL-in-Canada debate. A regular-season game with two out-of-town teams on the fringe of the playoff race, with overpriced tickets, is not going to provide any answers, beyond what people want to believe. That said, when people spew straight-up bullflop about this boosting Toronto's tourism industry, someone has to point it out.

Could we settle this over a couple Wendy's Baconators?

It's ironic this is coming from a writer who has the same name as one of the McKenzie Brothers actors.

"Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills (-1) at Toronto: NFL officials immediately regret moving this game to Canada when the start is delayed while Rogers Centre officials scramble to locate a down marker that has a '4.' " Pick: Dolphins 24-20."
— David Thomas, Fort Worth Star-Telegram

It's a nice line. The real A-hole is anyone up here in America's Hat who responds seriously to a throwaway line in a NFL picks column.

It's amusing, though, to see a U.S. writer be unaware that three-down football was not a Canadian creation. The game that Walter Camp and all those cats developed back in the 1890s had three downs. The fourth down was added to increase offence, which was a slippery slope toward America's quick-fix, instant-gratification society.

One less down was something Canadians, in our what-are-you-gonna-do way, learned to live with, like dismal politicians, lengthy winters and CBC Television. It never seemed to be too big an issue, especially since it meant teams couldn't wait until it was third-and-11 before they actually tried something to move the ball downfield. It's like something Doug Flutie said once: If you have play that will work, why not use it on first down? Why wait? Average yards gained on first down means much more than third-down conversion rates, no matter what the cliche-mongering chair moisteners in the network broadcast booths say every Sunday.

Of course, the Law of Intended Consequences was by keeping the foot in football and having as much kicking as possible, that meant there could be a Grey Cup where Henry Burris could be MVP even though his team only scored one touchdown.

Coaches down south eventually started seeing the passing game through the eyes of love instead of the eyes of fear. It meant that American football evolved and for myriad reasons, became more fun to watch than the Canadian game.

It only took them several generations, and several times the investment in developing coaches, players, college and pro teams, but American eventually caught up.

Meantime, as any hardcore football nut up here can tell you, there are several levels of amateur football in Canada that do play with four downs. That being said, nice line, eh.

Buffalo Bulls, FTW

How about Turner Gill and those Buffalo Bulls? They blasted Ball State but good in the MAC championship game, 42-24. They're still going to the International Bowl, were, not to bury the lede, they might end up playing against Notre Dame. (Or not.)

Buffalo took control by returning two fumbles by Ball State's all-everything QB, Nate Davis, for touchdowns in the third quarter, including a 92-yard runback for the go-ahead points. Turner Gill will be at a BCS-conference school soon enough. Buffalo was plenty big time enough on Friday.

Monday night snark ...

Type your summary here

Via From Deep: "Sam Mitchell. Is there anyone who doesn't want this guy fired right now?"

Slap Shot 3: The Junior League will be in stores tomorrow ... it's a good thing Paul Newman is already dead.

New rule: Anyone who purports to be some guardian of baseball but who spells Cal Ripken Jr. "Ripkin" and prefaces his oh-just-slightly-xenophobic rant by saying "Let me say right off that I have nothing personal against Indians in general," isn't worth a rebuttal.

(The Pittsburgh Pirates signed the two pitching prospects from India, righty Dinesh Patel and lefty Rinku Singh, which is awesome.)

Charlie Weis' record after Notre Dame's game at USC this weekend will be 28 wins, 21 losses. That's if they lose.

Strange, is it not, that Patrick Roy had his sweater retired by the Canadiens last Saturday and there was precious little in the media about his son Frédérick Roy viciously cross-checking a player during a game on Friday in Montréal (and getting suspended).

Charlie's headset was broken, clearly...

On Saturday, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish lost to a bad, bad Syracuse team which has already fired its coach, Greg Robinson.

So what movie was playing on the Canadian version of The History Channel today? Rudy. Apparently, historically minded types are in fear our generation might might forget Notre Dame once had a good football team.

(This line actually came to mind in the office yesterday, when Charlie Weis' Golden Domers' were up by six over the Orange early in the fourth quarter and there was an Irish fan in the office. Then a sober second thought kicked in -- "nah, it'll never happen!")

Related:

Is Weis done at Notre Dame? (SI Truth & Rumors)

The Worst Football Coach in the Universe (Jonathan Chait, Slate, Oct. 25, 2007)

Snark break ...

As you were getting ready for that big dance number ...

First things first: Of all the stories about the people who fought and served for Canada, here's a great one about the World War II pilot who was saved by a hockey jersey.

Second of all, just by a little: Our own Duane Rollins, friend, author, man for all seasons, has a birthday today. He has repaired our losses, healed some soccerophobes and brought a whole new dimension to this site. The six months have passed by very quickly because he makes doing this so damn enjoyable. He is No. 1 in the Top 27.

And just to make everyone feel older, a remake of The Karate Kid, starring Will Smith's 10-year-old son is in the works.

Mike Singletary might have been the opposing middle linebacker the last time the San Francisco 49ers converted in a short-yardage situation. A team with Mike Martz on its staff could screw it up after being three yards from a winning touchdown with 45 seconds left? You don't say.

A moratorium on Detroit Lions jokes should be in effect. It is officially spoof-proof when it's got to the point that Motor City newspapers are trying to get people riled up over what some guy in Iowa thinks.

You are already late to the Navy will beat Notre Dame bandwagon, but there is still room.

There is a sneaking suspicion that Michael Bishop will be back in Argoland. He has not been recycled enough.

The Cincinnati Reds pitcher Edinson Volquez is so good that he finished fourth in rookie year of the balloting even though he's not a rookie.

There is no sympathy for the fans of the old Dallas TV show feeling ripped off after attending a cast reunion. This was the same TV series where an entire season turned out to be a dream.

Ian Mendes has the Worst 10 Sports Commercials in Canadian history. OK, so Roberto Alomar is Puerto Rican, not Dominican, but that should can be overlooked, because Mendes noted, long before Ichiro put his first name on the back of his jersey, Canadians had Albert:



There's a commercial running in Canada that shows Wayne Gretzky and Maurice Richard teaming up as linemates. It's an absolute affront to hockey history -- it shows Gretzky winning a faceoff.

The preceding is of dubious worth, but this is worth noting

• Mike Winters of Covered In Oil fame is now over at the Battle of Alberta, a cadre of Edmonton Oilers fanatics who are consolidating their power.

CIS Countdown #9: Queen's Golden Gaels

Fast facts: Time will tell whether that 6-2 regular season in 2007 was real-real, or Beijing Olympics-real. The playoff loss to hated Western threw everything about an otherwise rousing season into question for anyone who's invested mentally and physically (or just emotionally) in Queen's football.

As much as that early exit stung, the Gaels are turning some heads across Ontario. According to an All Canada Gridiron poll, Queen's has the best recruiting class in the OUA. Queen's overall talent level is as good, if not better, than at any time during Pat Sheahan's tenure as coach.

Queen's should be a Top 10 team which is in the thick of the OUA, although another team from the distant hinterlands of the 613 area code, Ottawa, is the presumptive favourite. The Gaels' defence, which has had maybe two bad days since the start of 2006, returns its two most disruptive linemen, its best linebacker and two best cover guys in the secondary. On the offensive side, quarterback Dan Brannagan for the second straight year is adjusting to the loss of a CFL-bound receiver, but as OUA observers saw with Justin Dunk at Guelph last season, that can be a spur for a QB to spread the passes around.

Diversity is going to be a theme for Queen's offence; Sheahan has said has much. The Gaels return two fifth-year touchdown threats, school record-setting running back Mike Giffin and wideout Scott Valberg. If balance proves elusive, they're not a bad pair to rely on.

Coach: Pat Sheahan (ninth season, 20th as a CIS head coach). The Gaels have a 39-27 overall record (.591 winning percentage) since rejoining the OUA for football in 2001. That's more than respectable, all things considered.

Co-ordinators: Warren Goldie, offence; Pat Tracey, defence. Queen's has the longest-running coach and co-ordinators combo in the OUA, as all three have been together since 2001. Queen's has a good rep with the CFL, as evidenced by the number of Gaels graduates who find their way into training camps and on to rosters.

Enrolment: 13,500 undergraduate

Alumni in the CFL: 'Riders WR Rob Bagg; Lions D-lineman Matt Kirk; Argos RB Bryan Crawford

Famous non-football alumni: Actor Tom Cavanagh; federal cabinet minister John Baird; CNN reporter Ali Velshi; playwright Judith Thompson; Carleton University basketball coach Dave Smart; humourist Jay Pinkerton; Speaker of the House of Commons Peter Milliken; singer-songwriter Sarah Harmer; three-fifths of The Tragically Hip and all three members of Bedouin Soundclash.

Three-year record: 13-11

2007 units ranking: 9th on offence, 3rd on defence

Key losses: WR Rob Bagg, DT-LS Kevin Scott, LT Cody Kennedy, LB D.J. Mulholland, DB Matt Vickers

Returning starters: 9 offence, 9 defence; kicker Dan Village also returns.

Players to watch: There are four quarterbacks in the OUA who have been their team's starter since 2005. Dan Brannagan has easily had the most curious career arc, compared to Dunk at Guelph and Josh Sacobie of Ottawa and Michael Faulds at Western.

Steady play from a fourth-year starter should be an immutable for a team vying for a spot in the Yates Cup. Brannagan grades out very well in Mr. Pettapiece's quarterback rankings and his 15-to-6 touchdown-interception ratio in 2007 was very good, but there's a perception that Queen's offence is frequently very peaks-and-valleys; they didn't get in the end zone in a loss to Laurier when both teams came in 4-0 last fall.

As was the case last season, Brannagan is adjusting to life without an all-Canadian receiver (Bagg; it was Brad Smith the season before). The likes of Valberg, slotback Devan Sheahan (the coach's son) and tight end Scott Stinson provide a variety of targets for the QB. The nature of Giffin's role is a hot pre-season topic. A Mike Alstott-type with a fullback body and tailback mindset, he's a little betwixt and between about which position is best for him. He also had 205 touches (rushing attempts and receptions) last season, more than five times as much as any other Queen's player.

Queen's defence kept them in most games last season. The high points are middle linebacker Thaine Carter; tackle Dee Sterling and end Osie Ukwuoma along the line; the secondary is back, with Jimmy Allin at halfback and Jay Oduwole on the corner. Allin accounted for six of the unit's 13 takeaways last season, meaning returning kicks isn't his only means of providing field position.

The Gaels had just 22 sacks and interceptions last season, an OUA low. That begs the question of whether they took the notion of bend-but-don't-break defence a little too far in 2007. That caught up to them in the playoff loss to Western.

For future reference: Queen's All Canada Gridiron-approved newcomers could have an impact this fall; Sheahan is, er-ah, optimistic that some rookies will develop quickly. Mike Farine, a 6-foot-2 receiver from Toronto's Northern Secondary whose success as a point guard on a top high school basketball team attests to his athletic ability, could see the field quicker than most. (Queen's newcomers also include his former quarterback at Northern, Elliot Beutel, but he's a ways away with Jansen Shrubb returning as Brannagan's backup.)

Another two-sport newcomer is DB Ian Armour, a former national karate champion. Queen's got one of the two big offensive stars out of Bishop Ryan in Hamilton, receiver Mitchell Callaghan, who could have some potential on defence. (Laurier got Ryan's other big star, running back Ryan Rowe.)

Schedule (swing games in bold):
Sept. 1 McMaster
Sept. 6 @ Guelph (The Score University Rush)
Sept. 13 Laurier
Sept. 20 @ Toronto
Sept. 27 Western (The Score University Rush)
Oct. 4 @ York
Oct. 11 Ottawa
Oct. 18 @ Waterloo

The Gaels will miss Windsor in the schedule rotation. Fun fact: Queen's didn't play Laurier in either 2004 or '06, so you can impress people and win drinks at cocktail parties by pointing out that they haven't scored a touchdown vs. the Golden Hawks since Tom Denison was still on the team. That came on Nov. 1, 2003, the infamous Over The Bar game that OOLF's two Laurier alums never get tired of bringing up.

Final analysis: Queen's football is in a much better place than it was nine or 10 years ago, when the depth chart was so thin you read a newspaper through it and there were very real suspicions the administration was hoping football would just up and disappear from campus. (Queen's administration of the day was never quite as obvious about their wishes as a certain other G13 school that's a 2½-hour drive away.)

Sheahan, who has two recruiting coaches, has been able to improve the overall talent level. The alumni, athletic department and the surrounding Kingston community are on side. (To some extent, Queen's athletics has the icons of ineptitude, the Kingston Frontenacs, to thank for any media coverage or buzz in the city.) All that's needed now is a stadium with a seating arrangement that better covers up that current students aren't big on going to games.

Nevertheless, to borrow from that well-known YouTube clip which mocks Notre Dame fans, the Gaels are 0-for-the-2000s where championships are concerned. The perception is there that this group of Gaels hasn't had a big breakthrough that their talent should warrant.

If Queen's has the answers, then this year is a clean slate to write them down on.

(Contributors to this preview: Rob Pettapiece, Duane Rollins.)

Snark break ...

• NBC's Olympic coverage had the best Saturday-night audience since, wait for it, a 1990 episode of the sitcom Empty Nest.
  
  Sadly, the guy who made that show, David Leisure, wasn't able to pop the champagne the way the 1972 Miami Dolphins do when the last unbeaten NFL team loses. He figured he shouldn't drink on the job until he's done his probationary period at Outback Steakhouse.
  
• Notre Dame fans probably aren't too upset that Forbes rated Charlie Weis as the third-most overpaid coach in college football. They know the Irish are always higher in the rankings than they should be -- especially in August.
  
• It was nice to see that Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi got out to Fenway Park on Saturday and Sunday to watch his favourite team play. It's just too bad the Red Sox lost both games.
  
• It's one thing for Asian women to dominate the LPGA, but who knew that there was a top golf official in Canada named On Too Long?
  
  The guy who presented the trophy at the Canadian Women's Open might still be talking.
  
• That guy who was killed at a firing range at the West Edmonton Mall? To rip off a line from late, great Bill Hicks, "I don't think we lost the cancer cure."
  
• It's understandable to not have any room for gray areas with Michael Vick, but after reading about how he's been ripped off, it's hard not to feel empathy.
  
• Last but not least, it's a bringdown to get an e-mail with " to in the out find and line subject Twins? Football SEC of Playboy pulchritude, but this still tickled the giggly.

(Wow, making fun of David Leisure's career arc and pointing out that there's the occasional stuffed shirt to be found in golf? As Bart Simpson once said of Mad magazine, "They don't care whose toes they step on." Seriously, NBC is KATN in the ratings.)

Snark break ...

Five point four magnitude earthquake ... what a bunch of wimps.

The upshot of Tim Donaghy going to jail is that after so many years in a NBA's ref bland grey jersey, he finally gets to wear stripes.

Wow, we're all so impressed that St. Louis Blues player Dan Hinote married a Playboy model, Amy McCarthy (sister of Jenny McCarthy). Aren't we a little beyond being impressed that some woman was in Playboy? All that's available on the Internet has kind of stripped the Hefmag of its allure; its only cachet is among women who want some validation that they're hot, when they're fine just the way they are.

Cristian Guzman has been scratched the past couple nights by the Washington Nationals. If he goes on the disabled list, every member of the Nats' Opening Day lineup will have been on the DL this season. Looks good on 'em.

One Yankees fan really, really can't stand Sidney Ponson.

The New York Mets are going to try to win their division with Fernando Tatis starting in left field, and you wonder why people disrespect the National League. (Hey! He's a former Ottawa Lynx!)

(Puck Daddy has more. Rest assured that Hinote's teammate, Jay McKee of Amherstview (not Kingston), is the only male graduate of the Ernestown Township Minor Hockey Association who has appeared in public in a dress — lately.)

Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis got booed while singing Take Me Out to The Ballgame at Wrigley Field. One decent half-seasons and Cubs fans believe they can start hating on someone for losing.

Zen Dayley: Mr. 3000, with Japanese subtitles

Well, there's one reason to check out a Mariners-Jays series where neither of the Toronto club's top two starters are pitching.*

Ichiro Suzuki needs five hits for 3,000 in his career (a feat yours truly jumped the gun on back in '07 after a tragic misreading of his Baseball Cube page). You might have misgivings about why why broadcasters and journalists persist in making a big deal out of someone's hit total when the batting title goes to the player with the highest average, or why MLB doesn't swing with the times and do what it should have done a long time ago, which is recognize the player with the highest on-base percentage as the batting champ.

(Hey, college football, which is the most tradition-mongering sport going, used to recognize the player who gained the most yards on the season as its rushing leader. Then they changed it to yards per game. The world, remarkably, stayed on its axis.)

Ichiro's feat is a jumping-off point for a discussion. Should it be treated the same as if he had played his whole career on one side of the Pacific, instead of spending his first nine seasons in the Pacific League? How well do us North American folk do at comprehending a player whose career was spread over two continents, or included a stint in the "other league"? Like the kids say on Facebook, "it's complicated."

It's not the same, because is isn't the same. The ballparks in Japan are smaller and its brand of baseball offers a lower level of competition, so even considering the shorter season (140 games instead of one-sixty-two) how can this be put on the same level?

By the same token, though, it is the same. Ichiro was a major-league ballplayer when he was leading his Japanese league in hitting for seven straight seasons before joining the Mariners in 2001. He was simply kept out of the American majors by circumstances beyond his control. This was only 10 years ago, but it wasn't so long ago that baseball people, quote, unquote, were largely skeptical that a Japanese position player could make it in the major leagues. There was a little xenophobia going on there. It's either that or they did believe it, but couldn't convince the highers-up that it was worth the expense to find out. The Japanese players also had little incentive to test themselves across the water and their teams -- it was probably a pride thing -- weren't anxious to let them leave. Ichiro had fortunate circumstances -- his team was hard-up for money, and didn't want him going to another team and beating him.

The point is, though, there has to be some acknowledgement that if Ichiro had been in North America earlier or from the get-go, he would be well on pace for 3,000 MLB hits.

Cultural differences. North American journalists still have some work to do when it comes to properly appreciating a player. It's still mind-boggling that people who should have known better got their hackles up when Igor Larionov, the great Russian centre, was selected for the Hockey Hall of Fame last month. It seemed pretty cut-and-dried.

Consider the following: Mike Bossy was a hands-down, no-doubt Hall of Famer in hockey, based on what he did from 1977 to '88 with the New York Islanders, who as you know, won four straight Stanley Cups. Larionov was a key cog in another hockey juggernaut, the Soviet national team, for roughly the same span. He was one of the best players on what was one of the most powerful hockey teams in the world -- just like Bossy.

Bossy had to retire young due to back problems. Larionov, once he'd managed to get out from under the thumb of Viktor Tikhonov and the old Soviet sport system, managed to come to North America and fashion a nice career as a role player, first as Pavel Bure's setup man with the Canucks and as a checking centre with the three Red Wings' Stanley Cup winners. He more or less had Mike Bossy's career -- in terms of length and impact -- and then had someone else's career. But, oh no, since the better part of it came in the old Soviet Union, it didn't count. As far as some are concerned, it was if he only began playing real hockey when he joined the Canucks in 1989.

That's absurd. It's ridiculous to believe what Ichiro did before 2001 doesn't count. It's a matter of what degree it's discounted -- and it's more like 5%, 10% than 70-75%.

(* That's assuming A.J. Burnett doesn't once again display his lack of guts and grittitude by working on three days' rest again.)

Errata

• The great Greg Maddux hasn't received credit for a win since May 10.
• One more reason to get on the anti-Cubs bandwagon: They called up right-hander Jeff Samardzija, the former (grits teeth) Notre Dame football star. The blogosphere is already roiled up enough about the huge Wrigley Field love-in that will ensue if the Cubbies make the playoffs. No one needs the prospect of Samardzija's former quarterback, the much-resented Brady Quinn, showing up in the stands wearing a Cubs jersey.
  
  Guess what? The Cleveland Browns' bye week in the NFL coincides with the first week of the baseball playoffs. You can't make that up.
• The Hardball Times has a look at the only previous AL team that went from worst to first.

Damn, the Jays

• ShysterBall has a note, "Yesterday lots of folks were reporting that the Jays were shopping (Roy) Halladay. Late in the day the Jays denied it. If I had to guess, they are shopping him, as any team in their position should be given the kinds of returns teams are getting for starters this year. (CC) Sabathia, (Rich) Harden, and (Erik) Bedard all brought back value, and given how well Sabathia has pitched in particular, you can bet that there are some teams out there thinking about how to get the same kind of magic on their side."
  
  It's kind of come to the point with the Jays that you can read something positive about a baseball team's front office and then turn it around on Godcciardi. They would rather squeeze an 83-79 season out of this bunch than attempt anything radical.
• Baseball America has provided the latest look at the Jays bright hitting hope, Travis Snider. He's now hitting .259/.343/.453 for New Hampshire, which for a 20-year-old in the Eastern League, is serious stuff. (Thanks to Pete Toms for the tip.)
• The same site also has some tidbits on lefty-hitting Double-A second baseman Scott Campbell (on-base machine, somewhat dodgy defence) and the first-round draft choice, first baseman David Cooper, who's been tearing the cover off the ball in the Midwest League -- and hasn't been involved in any bench-clearing brawls yet.

Jays are hurtin', but not for a Murton

It's too speculative by half, but the Chicago Cubs have recalled outfielder Matt Murton, possibly as trade bait.

Wasn't there a bit of news about some Blue Jays pitcher, A.J. Burnett, who will become a free agent after this season, saying he'd love to play in Chicago? Now, this is why it's a bad idea as a fan to start pitching trade ideas (although that Seinfeld episode where an out-of-work George Costanza contemplating getting a job in sports, "like the general manager of a baseball team" should have cured you of the notion).

(UPDATE: Case in point -- on Jays Talk tonight, a caller asked J.P. Ricciardi if the Jays had talked with the Cubs about trading Burnett for their one good prospect who's not already in Chicago already, 18-year-old third baseman Josh Vitters. As if the Cubbies are going to sacrifice last year's No. 3 overall draft choice this soon.)

Murton would only give the Jays another well-rounded hitter who doesn't hit for power (although at least he's younger than Kevin Mench). The Cubs don't have a lot in the farm system that would make it worth the Jays' while to make a 3- or 4-for-1 trade. It's best to wait for the Cubbies to cut and run with Jeff Samardzija, the former Notre Dame wide receiver who got a jesus-big signing bonus to give up football and is now struggling with his control down in Double-A.

Incidentally, the Cubs are trying to get a David Eckstein error from last Saturday changed to a hit ... that would tack a few points on to Roy Halladay's ERA, since he gave up a three-run homer to the next batter.

(Meantime, the axe flashes at the top of its arc over the hards of John Gibbons and Godcciardi.)

Related:
Let there be blood in the streets... (John Brattain, Hardball Times)

UP AT 6: THRASHING LOOKS GOOD ON 'EM

On second thought, leading with AAA midget hockey on a Monday morning is probably not the wisest decision.

• Relax ... you don't have to be totally heartless to love the news that that the 58-1 Winnipeg Thrashers team choked in the final of the Telus Cup in Arnprior, losing 6-4 to the Sudbury Nickel Wolves.
  
  No doubt it hurts for the players, but life goes on. The joke is on the minor hockey pooh-bahs in Loserpeg. For years and years, they've tried to stack the deck in order to bring a Canadian midget hockey title to the city.
  
  Winnipeg accounts for more than half of Manitoba's population, but has only two teams in the 12-team provincial Triple-A midget league. Six years ago, it had four, then it was down to three for one season, 2002-03, then it was down to two. After Winnipeg blew it against Sudbury yesterday, it might have to go down to one for next season.
  
  The league standings suggest that the situation has made an absolute joke out of the idea of player development and fair competition. The Thrashers were 40-0 in the regular season with a 268-43 goal differential. The other Winnipeg team was 32-7-1, which likely means that it also went unbeaten against teams from outside the city.
  
  This is being written without knowing anything about the Sudbury team, other than it represents a city of 150,000-some people, not a place that has one team per twice as many people.
  
• For what it's worth, Dan Wetzel of Yahoo! Sports thought the Vikings had a pretty good draft week.
  
• One hero from the weekend is the athletic director at Rutgers, Robert Mulcahy, for telling Notre Dame to get lost.
  
  Mulcahy walked away from a deal for a football series starting in 2010 after the Notre Dame insisted that Rutgers' home games be played at a neutral site. (Another Big East school, Connecticut, is playing Notre Dame, but its "home" games won't even be in the state of Connecticut.)
  
  Here's hoping Rutgers fills the vacancy on their 2010 schedule with an opponent which has actually won a bowl game this century.
  
• Something everyone might want to check this out further later this morning: The organizers of a MMA event on the Six Nations reserve in Southern Ontario are facing criminal charges. That could be a fun story for a couple of days.
  
• Thanks, everyone, for not sending word Season 2 of Friday Night Lights came out on DVD last week.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.

WHO OWES, DA CHIEFS?

There's no plans to start keeping tabs on local politics in Central New York, but it would be nice to have some clarity about how the Syracuse Chiefs' legal wrangling might affect the Blue Jays' plans for their Triple-A affiliate.

Long story short, the county says the community-owned Chiefs owe taxpayers close to a half-million dollars. The Chiefs says, "no, youowe us 280 large." No wonder the Paper of Record in Ottawa jumped to the conclusion that the Jays might be eager to make a clean break and put their Triple-A team in the capital. There's never been any legal wrangling between the City of Ottawa and a sports team. Just ask Ray Pecor.

Another Syracusan note: The video game Major League Baseball 2K8 has added a minor-league feature, so if your self-esteem is really suffering, you can pick yourself by doing the whole video-vicarious thing with such baseball superstars as Josh Banks, Russ Adams, and of course, Sal Fasano. No word on whether you can modify Sal's mustache.

(That's two notes originating out of the 'Cuse; still not ready to talk about the Orange's March Madness chances going down the dumper after that loss to, wait for it, Notre Dame.)

Related:
Audit deadline rolls past Chiefs (Syracuse Post-Standard)

CIS CORNER: RAVENS HAVE THEIR LAYER CAKE; A RYE TOAST

Reconstructing the remnants of an ill-fated liveblog into the usual rigmarole about our teams of interest from The 613:

HOCKEY

• Gaels: Been waiting a long time to break out this Mallrats reference ...
  
  

  "Breakfast, schmeakfast ... look at the score, for Chrissakes. Ryerson 3, Toronto 2 in a shootout. Breakfasts come and go, Renee, but Queen's, the Tricolour, they win their division and get a first-round bye maybe once, twice, a lifetime."
  

  
  It would probably be bad form for Queen's to invite Ryerson goalie Pierre Beaulieu to their first home playoff game, but they should. The Rams goalie helped his team play spoiler, stopping 43-of-45 Toronto shots in a shootout win that delivered the division to coach Brett Gibson and the Gaels.
  
  CFRC Sports should have more on this down the line. It's probably kismet that U of T wasn't able to take advantage of the much-reviled shootout and get the win they needed to win the division.
• Gee-Gees: So it's Ottawa-Toronto and Ottawa-Montreal (Carleton vs. McGill) in the two first-round series. Yanick Charron had two assists and bagged the OT winner in Sunday's 4-3 winner that clinched home ice for the Gee-Gees. Ryne Gove, a rookie who didn't crack the lineup till the New Year, had a pair of goals in regulation.
• Ravens: Carleton's first goal in their 7-1 rout of Ottawa perfectly illustrated how coach Fred Parker layered his lineup in order to build a playoff team right off the hop.
  
  Carleton was down a goal five minutes into Saturday's do-or-die game when Brodie Beard made a tape-to-tape, breakaway pass ahead to speedy Francis Walker. Walker, who played pro in Austria last season, was stopped by the Gee-Gees' Riley Whitlock in close. Instead of sailing past the net out of control like a lot of less experienced guys might have, Walker backhanded the loose puck to Adam Marriner, who chipped it over the goalie.
  
  For those of you keeping score at home, that's a former Tier II player scoring with assists from an ex-OHLer (Beard) and a former pro (Walker). That perfectly describes how Parker, whose team will play McGill in a best-of-3 first-round series starting Wednesday in Montreal, put his team together. Carleton won 12 games in its first season, twice as many as the other first-year team, the UOIT Ridgebacks (although, granted, the western half of the OUA is generally a little stronger).
  
  Parker, the former Central Junior league coach,. rolled the dice on bringing in players such as Walker, who had four assists today, knowing he might only have them for a season or two. The next layer is ex-OHLers who are serious about treating the CIS as a next step (instead of a four-year country club, as sometimes happens), including Beard (three assists) and Brad Good on the blueline as well as captain Andrew Gibbons, who got the third goal late in the first period.
  
  Last, but not least, since CIS hockey is also a bit of a second-chance league, came the Tier II grads such as Marriner and goalie Doug Jewer, who stopped 19-of-20 shots on Saturday. Mike Testa, one of the holdovers from Carleton's club program from '06-07, also scored and made a behind-the-back feed to set up Jared Cipparone during a three-goal outburst in the second period that blew the game wide open.
  
  It's safe to say that Parker's provided a template for how to quickly make a new team competitive. UOIT decided to go with a coach, Marlin Muylaert, who's got a great track record in the university game, having won a national title at Guelph. Carleton decided to go with a coach with deep roots in the region and it's paid immediate dividends.

HOOPS:

• Gee-Gees: Ottawa split, beating RMC after a loss to Queen's.
  
  There was a point late in Queen's 64-48 win at Ottawa on Friday where the Gee-Gees' group on the floor was Bojan Dodik, Vlad Pislaru, Marvin Bazile, Stefan Lawrence and Aaron Rados -- four rookies and a sophomore. Ottawa played hard, but not having Josh Gibson-Bascombe was too much.
  
  One sequence that stuck out, from when the game was still in doubt: In the third quarter, down 45-33, Dax Dessureault (who was held to four points) gets free for a jump hook that deserved to go down. On this night, it rimmed out, and while Ottawa coach Dave DeAveiro was pleading for a foul call, Queen's quickly got downcourt and canned a three. Another empty possession, another three and suddenly it's an 18-point lead for the Gaels instead of 10.
• Gaels: Baris Ondul had a team-high 17 points in a 76-63 loss to Carleton on Saturday night. Mitch Leger, who had a double-double in the Ottawa win, along with Jon Ogden were impressive.
  
  You know something else about Queen's? Very deadline-friendly. Since they tend to emphasize quick ball movement and perimeter shooting, there aren't a lot of fouls. Friday's game was an 8 p.m. tip and it ended around 9:30.
• Ravens: That 113-27 score against RMC might raise eyebrows from folks who don't follow the league. Far be it to point out that the RMC basketball players, in a few years' time, will face stuff that's a lot more challenging emotionally than getting your butt beat in basketball. And for pity's sake, Carleton didn't even dress Jean-Emmanuel Jean-Marie, a starting forward.
  
  This doesn't seem like it was analogus to Lou Holtz when he was the coach at Notre Dame calling a fake punt in the last two minutes with a 30-point lead over Navy. So long as Carleton's players weren't doing anything they wouldn't do in the normal course of a game (crazy shots, alley-oop dunks), there's nothing they have to apologize for.

FOOTBALL (yes, in February)

• It's nice to know the London Free Press sports department is so well-staffed and has so much space that's it now conducting teach ethics and good newsroom practices to student sportswriters, even if they don't go to school in that city.
  
  Friend of the blog Andrew Bucholtz, a sports editor at the Queen's Journal, might have slipped up, along with his senior editors, with the handling of a sensitive story. Gaels football coach Pat Sheahan says his quotes in a story about possible steroid use in the CIS with regard to Western were taken out of context. The inclination here is to believe them both, which is actually possible.
  
  Guess what, though? It happens. People make mistakes in journalism every day. No one has ever died from it, except maybe from laughing. I've effed up. I probably will again. The same goes for the holier-than-thou types in London. Why, just last week the same columnist who's apparently decided to put Andrew in his place wrote a column about footy where he spelled Sven-Goran Eriksson's name "Ericksson."
  
  The Free Press should have seen it as a youthful indiscretion and been cool and detached enough to laugh it off and leave well enough alone. There was no need to order a Code Purple on Bucholtz just because it looked like a contrary word had been spoken against their beloved Western Mustangs in an out-of-town student paper.
  
  Fortunately, Andrew Bucholtz, Pat Sheahan and Western coach Greg Marshall each have a sense of humour. Now, can the Free Press get one?

TOP 5: COACHES WHO GOT SCHOOLED IN THE NFL

Bobby Petrino isn't the first college football coach to pull a Rodney Dangerfield.

The cute part about Petrino quitting on the Atlanta Falcons to go back to school with the Arkansas Razorbacks is that he told former boss to be, Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank, the co-founder of Home Depot, that he was quitting over the phone. Yes, he phoned it in -- just like the Falcons have done this season.

I like to picture Petrino, when he called Blank, saying, "I'm quitting... sick of the NFL," then doing the worst fake cough into the phone, like Karen Smith in Mean Girls after the Plastics decided to freeze out Regina George.

Like Rodney, though, bringing a college coach to the NFL gets no respect, since typically they find it more mind-boggling than, well, a typical trip to Home Depot. It's worked exactly once in the past 25 years -- Jimmy Johnson with the Dallas Cowboys. There have been some modest successes, such as John Robinson and Bobby Ross.

More often than not, as you'll see, you get a coach who soon runs back to college to boss around the 19-year-old unpaid serfs of the turf:

STEVE SPURRIER
Washington Redskins, 2002-03
The best tone to take with the Ol' Ball Coach's two-year NFL sojourn would be akin to the opening voiceover in Fahrenheit 9/11, when Michael Moore harkens back on U.S. Election Night in 2000 and intones, "Was it all a dream?"

The Redskins' two-year Spurrier experiment was a Florida Fiasco in itself. But at the time, the five-year, $25-million contract Spurrier got to bring his Florida Gators Fun 'n' Gun passing game to the pros was perhaps the biggest story in the NFL in the lead-up to the '02 season.

Everyone who followed football had a take. Nowadays, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who would cop to thinking it could have worked. Spurrier bagged it after going 12-20 and finding out that NFL coaches can't bugger off to play 18 holes of golf every day.

To add insult to incompetence, during Spurrier's first season, the 'Skins broke out throwback uniforms that were near replicas of those worn by Florida State -- Florida's rival.

NICK SABAN
Miami Dolphins, 2005-06
Saban's calling card is that he's usually leveraged and lied his way into a better gig by the time the roof caves in on one of his teams. That way, it ends up on some other poor bastard's permanent record.

Saban's successor in South Florida, Cam Cameron, will soon go down as the coach of the NFL's first 0-16 team. The Dolphins disaster belongs just as much to Saban, who deserted a team that regressed badly during his two-year pitstop in the pros to go the University of Alabama. He did guide his team to a 9-7 season in 2005, but then again, so did Mike Tice.

Chances are, Saban will probably have a winner at 'Bama eventually, but his first shaky year has offered all sorts of sadistic pleasures. His Crimson Tide are only going to a bowl since the NCAA greedheads changed the rules a while back to help out underachieving big-money teams. They get to count wins over slack teams from Division 1-AA toward being bowl-eligible. That means the Crimson Tide, at 6-6, are playing in a bowl since they recorded a 52-6 win over Western Carolina (no, never heard of them either).

Along with his abrupt departure from the Dolphins, Saban has been in one controversy over using ethnic slur to describe Cajuns. He's since been in another after referencing Pearl Harbor and the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks while discussing a loss to Louisiana-Monroe. One need not be a Dolphins fan or a history teacher to root against Nick Saban.

DENNIS ERICKSON
San Francisco 49ers, 2003-04
Erickson was so-so in Seattle during his first NFL stint from 1995-98, but a college coach he was and a college coach he should have remained after getting fired by the Seahawks. Nevertheless, the 49ers gave him another shot at the NFL. To this day, no one knows why.

During his time with the 49ers, what had been a model franchise went backwards from being in the NFC title game the year before he arrived all the way to a 2-14 record in '04. There's plenty of reasons for the 49ers' decline, of course, but this is Erickson, the guy who once signalled he was leaving a coaching job by leaving town without telling anyone. Why bother being charitable?
Erickson has changed jobs eight times since 1986, which is standard for career assistants, not a coach who won two national championships at Miami. By this point, Marilyn Erickson probably doesn't even ask where she's moving to when her husband changes teams, but just mumbles, "What colour sweatshirt?"

JOHN MACKOVIC
Kansas City Chiefs, 1983-86
To understand how in hell a coach whose winning percentage in college was a weak-assed .533 ever got to run a NFL team, you have to know that late Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt had a Texas-sized resentment of the Dallas Cowboys. His team had begun life in Dallas, after all.

So when Hunt's Chiefs fired their coach -- a guy named Marv Levy -- after the '82 strike season, it figured they would hire Mackovic, who had been Tom Landry's quarterbacks coach in Dallas for two years after coaching at Wake Forest. As the saying goes, though, you have to be lucky to be good. Mackovic was evidently neither.

Within a few weeks in '83, the Chiefs passed on Jim Kelly and Dan Marino in the famous Quarterback Draft to take Todd Blackledge (career high in touchdown passes: 10) and star running back Joe Delaney tragically drowned while trying to rescue three children from a pond.

Maybe it could have been different. We'll never know. What is known is that Mackovic got fired after the '86 season, even though he had actually guided the Chiefs to the playoffs for the first time in 15 years. That probably spoke volumes about how well-suited he was to the NFL game.

There are plenty of fans of the Texas Longhorns and Arizona Wildcats who would say he wasn't cut out for the college game either. Mackovic's last gig at Arizona ended when he was fired after a player revolt.

LOU HOLTZ
New York Jets, 1976
Holtz could be forgiven if the song he wrote for the Jets to perform after wins -- he really did this -- wasn't as catchy as the Gilligan's Island theme. What can't be forgiven is that his only NFL season was a three-victory tour ... a three-victory tour. (Hey, remember, you're reading this for free.)

That's about all you need to know about Holtz as a NFL coach. OK, so he also tried to put in the college-style veer offence that relies on a running quarterback, even though the Jets had an aging Joe Namath, who had knees like an old camel.

Holtz is a major thread in this rich tapestry. One of his wins came over a Tampa Bay Buccaneers team that went 0-14. The Bucs quarterback? Steve Spurrier.

His other two wins in the NFL were over the Buffalo Bills, whose coach was Lou Saban -- Nick Saban's father.

Much later, at Notre Dame, Holtz lost a chance at a repeat national title in 1989 when his No. 1 Irish were beaten in their final game by the Miami Hurricanes. Miami's coach was Dennis Erickson.

In his final season at Notre Dame, 1996, Holtz's team was squeezed out of a bowl bid, despite an 8-3 record. The Orange Bowl had to take Texas, who probably wouldn't have been in a major bowl if they hadn't managed to upset Nebraska to win their conference. The Texas coach was John Mackovic.

Holtz was also 3-10 in the NFL when he quit to go to Arkansas -- just like Bobby Petrino. It all makes sense now why NFL owners should veer away from letting a college coach run the show, but chances are, like many of the players who go through these football factories, they haven't learned much.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.

"EARN YOUR PAY" IS THE NEW "SEIZE THE DAY"

What is that makes this Lou Holtz clip from ESPN so strangely compelling?

• If, as he says "players play, coaches coach and administrators adminstrate," then why is the ex-coach wearing a Stephon Marbury jersey?
• The football guy who believes basketball teams play in a "stadium;"
• Pondering the fast-fading memory of the last time both ESPN and the New York Knicks were good;*
• Contemplating that what the world needs know is a movie that combines the awful Robin Williams film Dead Poets Society with Eddie, the movie where Whoopi Goldberg (don't ask) coaches the Knicks.
  
  Can't you see some real-life Abe Simpson delivering rambling, pretentious speeches in an effort to light a fire under a losing team?
  
  Considering the size of the Knicks payroll, it would even have the perfect title: Dead Weight Society.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.

(* The last time this was true, Holtz was still coach at Notre Dame.)

MEMORY'S A FUZZY THING

Today's sampling of the somewhat sports-related zeitgeist:

• A recent episode of the sitcom Samantha Who saw her character go on a date to a Chicago Blackhawks game. The show stars Christina Applegate as a woman who suffers from amnesia, so like most of us, she has no recollection of the last time that the Blackhawks were any good.
  
  Now there's two things that haven't been relevant since the '90s: The Chicago Blackhawks and network sitcoms.
  
  (OK, fair is fair. The Blackhawks are one of the NHL's most improved teams, and Kelly Bundy's new show is doing OK in the ratings.)


• Higher, faster, stronger, indeed: Did Ross Rebagliati's friends come up with the 2010 Olympic mascots? OK, get the Vansterdam jokes out of the way.
• NFL tonight: A few weeks in the wake of the cataclysmic Colts-Patriots collision, it's a Thursday night NFC matchup between the Cowboys and Packers, both 10-1. Isn't Brett Favre a little old to be playing in the junior varsity final?
• It's too bad Notre Dame isn't eligible to play in the International Bowl, because if they were, for once the U of T Varsity Blues wouldn't be the worst college football team in Toronto.

Last but not least: Six days until Superbad comes out on DVD.

IT'S A WHOLE NEW FOOTBALL GAME...

Jason Whitlock, writing for FOXSports.com, would be the one to nail down the difference between coaching in the NFL and coaching college football, in his column on the spectacular failure Charlie Weis has been at Notre Dame:

"You have to teach kids to tackle. You have to teach them to be tough. You have to wear them out in practice and then ask them to think, make plays and be physical when they're exhausted. You do it in the spring. You do it in fall camp. And you do it to a lesser degree on Tuesdays and Wednesdays during the season. When you take over a program and you're trying to instill your philosophy, the same week you're preparing for Michigan, you have to prepare a 30-play Tuesday scrimmage for your freshmen and sophomores not on the two-deep."

"... A great college coach can recognize the high-school linebacker who might be a nose tackle, defensive end or center in college. He can see the step-too-slow running back who would be a hard-hitting strong safety. An effective college coach knows what mental buttons to push on a pampered high school superstar to turn him into player who won't negatively impact team chemistry. A good college coach might look at a 6-foot-3, 205-pound, high-motor kid from a poor family and see a 250-pound pass rusher once he's been exposed to weight training, three square meals and a stable environment."

Compare that to Bill Simmons at ESPN.com, whose idea of tackling the NFL vs. college argument could be summed up by something he once wrote, which off the top my head, went like, "How hard can coaching college football be if Pete Carroll is good at it?" It just goes to show what value it has to have people writing about sports who do get into the nuts and bolts of the game. It's better than everyone trying to win an argument in two sentences or less. Hell, there doesn't even need to be an argument all the time.

Not that Whitlock can't do snappy... one irony is that The Big Lead called attention to his column was one of the all-time great similes: "Notre Dame is not the place to learn how to be a college head coach ... As fun as it might sound, you don’t want to lose your virginity to Jenna Jameson."

Charlie Weis with Jenna Jameson... thanks for the visual.

Related:
Weis' NFL experience not helping him now (Whitlock, FOXsports.com)
The Worst Football Coach in the Universe (Jonathan Chait, Slate, Oct. 25)