Mornings with Mr. Canoehead

Well I woke up Sunday morning, with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt. And the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad, so I had one more for dessert ... here what's not bothering you now, raisins off an Oldsmobile.

... The new Yankee Stadium after Roy Halladay was done out of a win Saturday. It's understood that the Yankees honour their history, but turning Johnny Damon into Lou Gehrig is going too far. Between its ridiculous hitter-friendliness — Damon has already hit 12 home runs there, hey, lots of 35-year-olds just suddenly become power hitters — and the super-extendo seventh-inning stretch, it's borderline cheating. The latter actually comes from Mike Wilner:

" Speaking of the 7th inning, and I hate to bring this up since the idea of signing God Bless America in the 7th inning stretch, especially on the 4th of July, is a lovely thing, but seriously. Does it have to be the extended dance mix of the song, a Yankee Stadium tradition? I would love to go back over the last nine years and see how many runs the Yanks have scored at home in the 7th inning after freezing the opposing pitcher for an extra five minutes while Dr. Ronan Tynan dragged out every last syllable of GBA.

"And maybe it’s me, but I just find it to be the overwhelming Yankee arrogance that carries over into Tynan’s rendition, since he’s the only one on the planet who actually sings the whole thing. It's as though the thinking is 'this is New York City, we’re going to be the only ones who do it right.' It would be like the Blue Jays stopping home games in the 7th inning stretch to sing O Canada and making sure to include the mysterious second verse about great prairies spreading and mighty rivers flowing."

The new Yankee Stadium calls to mind the late, great Dan Quisenberry's line about another stadium, "I don't know if there are good uses for nuclear weapons, but this might be one."

... two players on a Double-A team driving in more runs last night than Vernon Wells has since the first of June. No, they were not playing a doubleheader.

... Dany Heatley thinking it's despicable Sarah Palin won't honour her commitment to the Alaska electorate. Incidentally, if Heatley is coming to Ottawa for teammate Jason Spezza's wedding, they might need to hold the reception at the U.S. embassy, for the extra security.

... the irony of minor-league hockey player Robin Gomez being acquitted of assault on the same day that his team, the Oklahoma City Blazers, went out of business.

(Former Ottawa Gee-Gees goalie Jordan Watt was one of Gomez's defence lawyer.

... the Toronto Argonauts running radio spots calling themselves an "accessible team." The B.C. Lions deserve that appellation after the way their offensive line blocked on Friday (nine sacks allowed vs. Saskatchewan).

... Team-hopping football coach Nick Saban playing himself in the film version of The Blind Side. Apparently he wandered off the set in the middle of the shoot to take a role in another movie.

... knowing why it is not socially acceptable to say Formula One's Bernie Ecclestone got roasted for praising Hitler. You would be almost as bad as he is.

... not knowing Tyler Arnason was still in the NHL.

Mornings with Mr. Canoehead

It's all raisins off an Oldsmobile. None of this should have kept you up at night ...

... Any gut feeling that the Senators will end up stuck with Dany Heatley and have to pay him his $4-million bonus.

... People treating the story about Wimbledon putting better-looking female players on centre court as ribald. Sorry, but when the two Grand Slam events held in old Europe often schedule Serena Williams to play on a side court, it's not amusing. It's something else which rhymes with acism.

... wondering how long until it is OK to riff on Vernon Wells changing his at-bat music to Michael Jackson songs. It's a classy move, but it's as if Wells is trying to point out someone else has actually gone even longer without producing a big hit.

... feeling like you have taken the Hamilton Tiger-Cats' futility for granted for the past 10 years. (That's a great column by Stephen Brunt.)

... Whether to take the inaugural football Junior World Championship seriously. The joy of football is the journey, yet New Zealand, Sweden and France travelled all the way to Canton, Ohio to lose by a combined 184-7 to Canada, Mexico and the U.S. Did the French run the original Statue of Liberty play against the Americans, or did their quarterback's play wristband read, "Prenez un genou."*

(BT to the dub, proof the Creator does not throw dice. The Hockey Hall of Fame is in the heart of Canada's largest city. The Baseball Hall of Fame is nestled in the postcard-worthy Finger Lakes. The Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio is right next to interstate highway.)

Columnists bellyaching about how bored they were by watching the NHL draft. There seriously has to be a better topic and whining about you doing journalism, isn't that what a blog is for? (Besides, Jack Todd wrote the definitive takedown of the NHL draft on Monday.)

(*That's French for, "Take a knee.")

Tuesday afternoon ...

What's not bothering you today, since it's all raisins off an Oldsmobile ... oh, and an Islanders beat writer says the team will take Matt Duchene No. 1 overall.

... Being the only person who ever saw a resemblance between Oren Koules and Michael Bluth from Arrested Development (it was the hair). The comparison is totally apt, considering what's happened to the Tampa Bay Lightning. At this rate, they'll soon be holding a Save Our Bolts fundraiser?

... CBC going ahead with a figure skating reality show. At least they showed a sense of humour by casting Glenn Anderson and Stéphane Richer as figure skaters. Talk about meta.

... Rosie DiManno getting into it with the entire city of Hamilton after she called it "a dump." Shame on her for violating the unwritten rule to never to point out the Hammer's failings in print. She missed the point that people love Hamilton, Ontario, the way you love a three-legged, half-blind, hard-of-hearing dog with a flatulence problem (so sayeth the guy whose sister and brother-in-law live in Stoney Creek, so hold the hate mail).

... ESPN.com failing to put Peyton Manning on its All-Decade NFL team.

... sports columnists who go on about the Tiger-and-Phil overkill during major golf tournaments. Please just explain to people that the way it works is the PGA's corporate sponsors expect the big names who move product to get more camera time, regardless of the leaderboard. Looking for serious storytelling on a golf broadcast is like looking for chastity in a cathouse.

... Peter C. Newman saying Heather Reisman "saved the publishing industry." Apparently saved is synonymous with running independent booksellers and small publishing houses out of business, but hey, Newman's books still sell at Chapters once they're marked down to $9.99.

... the MuchMusic Video Awards getting a worse ass-kicking than Perez Hilton. CBC got twice as many viewers by showing Happy Gilmore, a 13-year-old comedy.

Saturdays with Mr. Canoehead

It's all raisins off an Oldsmobile ...

... Vernon Wells being rewarded for his sucktacular hitting by being moved up in the lineup.

... The BBC reporting that the Pittsburgh Steelers won the Stanley Cup. Everyone knows the complexion of the series changed when Mike Tomlin switched up his lines and put out Mewelde Moore with Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes.

... Wondering how Steelers Penguins' Hal Gill managed to get only one minor penalty in a seven-game series vs. the Detroit Red Wings. There were more than a few rumblings throughout the final that the NHL had reverted to the "one set of rules for the first three rounds, another for the finals" officiating.

Finding out that your heroes on the '85 Blue Jays might have played a game while hammered drunk. Well, at least according to to the self-effacing spin the old knuckleballer, Phil Niekro, put on it:

"Finally, did you know Niekro, then donning Yankees pinstripes, won his 300th without throwing his patented knuckler until the final batter he faced? He was 46 years old at the time. And he fanned the guy.

"(Toronto) beat us and clinched the (division) pennant, and I think they were so 'champagned-out', I don't think they knew who was pitching, who they were playing against or what I was throwing up there," he said with a laugh."

Careful, Phil, you don't want Geoff Baker after you for making reckless allegations about players using performance-diminishing drugs. That's a real damning innuendo to be making.

Roy Halladay coming out of the Blue Jays' loss vs. the Florida Marlins with an injured groin. It renders all the talk about the lineup academic since without Doc, the Jays are done.

The Jays play more than half their remaining schedule (51 of 99) vs. the Rays, Yankees and Red Sox, who are first, second and fourth in the majors in runs scored. In the words of Robin Scherbatsky, "Life's gonna be rough, boys."

Who ends up owning the NFL's St. Louis Rams. The Rams have owners? It was assumed all along their arrangement was something like PBS. No defence, no mercy!

New England Hockey Journal calling the Kingston Frontenacs "one of the OHL's most storied franchises." They're definitely in the top 20.

Quebecor trying to launch a cable sports network when some of their newspaper offices no longer have water coolers, or even reporters.

Mornings with Mr. Canoehead

... Not sports, but when high school students from your hometown beat Ducati and Kawasaki to building a biodiesel chopper that gets 150 miles to the gallon, attention should be paid. Anyway, stuff which will not affect your day ...

Johnny Damon already having 13 homers (nine have been at the joke of a new stadium in the Bronx).

Mark Crawford being hired as coach of the Dallas Stars. It's good to see they recycle in Texas, so what if he's been living off his reputation since coaching a Stanley Cup winner in 1996?

Getting geared up to go Fire Joe Morgan on a column entitled "Real Sportswriters Don't Cheer", only to find out the great thundering nit in question, Lowell Cohn, was FJM'd twice. For what it is worth (not much), anyone who writes, "My moral court is in session and he receives no mercy," has it coming on general principle. Knowing the infield-fly rule does not give you the right to be a one-man ethics commission or whinge, "I am not a fan. I can't afford to be. I root for no team. I have forgotten what it feels like to root or care which team wins or loses. I admit this with sadness. I also admit it with pride."

Whatever amount of money Pierre Karl Péladeau plans to put up to buy the Montréal Canadiens. Like Mitch Melnyk (Montréal's answer to Bob McCown) said, the anyone-but-him forces are lining up. It's hard to understand why people would not want a 100-year hockey tradition in the hands of someone who actually said of his employees at one of his newspapers, "Je prend des photos de mes enfants. Ça ne prend pas une expertise" -- "I take photos of my children. That does not take any expertise."

Not understanding what the hell Lisa Raitt did that was so newsworthy to begin with. There's a lot to be said for having given up on Canadian federal politics five years or six elections ago, whichever is shorter. Take it away, Fagstein:

"What gets me about this isn’t that the tears seem so scripted, as if a political analyst backstage told her to go out and cry. It’s that the people who are so naive about politicians to think that they don’t all put their political ambitions ahead of basic human decency, the ones who were so outraged about Raitt's candid comments as if they told us something we didn’t already know, those are the same people who are going to fall for this display, who think she will have learned her lesson and that either she didn't mean it or she's changed."

The USC football team likely avoiding any punishment from the NCAA while the school's basketball team gets sent up the river. Someone's skin is going on that wall and it won't be Pete Carroll's. C'est la vie.

Mark-Paul Gosselar's bit as Zack Morris being on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon instead of Conan O'Brien. Look at it this way: Not only was it meta, since it was on Fallon's show it was also esoteric since hardly anyone saw it.

Mornings with Mr. Canoehead

It's all raisins off an Oldsmobile, friends ... raisins off an Oldsmobile ... The stuff which is not bothering you today.

Britney Spears playing a concert in Ottawa in August. Don't look down on it. The people who wanted to be like her when they were 15 years old in 1998 can take their 10-year-old daughters to her show. It's never too early to start screwing up another generation of girls.

CBC Sports boss Scott Moore telling the Toronto Star the drop-off in TV ratings for the Stanley Cup final is due to people watching the games "in groups and not being counted in the ratings." No, sports fans never got together to watch a game before this spring.

It makes Scott Moore come off like Wes Mantooth in Anchorman. "You know those rating systems are flawed. They don't take in account houses that have ... uh ... more than two television sets ... and other things of that nature." Perhaps it's because it's a final between two U.S. teams with Game 7 scheduled for June 12.

The NHL and TV partners refusing to allow the two teams in the Stanley Cup final to show Game 6 on video screens in Detroit and Pittsburgh ... after all, this is a league that has an impeccable reputation with not dropping the ball with all things television.

How about CBC jamming in more commercials after the final buzzer last night instead of getting a Penguins player for an on-ice interview while they were still in the moment, which NBC's Pierre McGuire did? About 10 minutes later, CBC finally showed an interview with Marc-Andre Fleury which had clearly been taped.

The Penguins' Rob Scuderi having better rebound control than Jose Theodore. It saved Pittsburgh's bacon.

Being a professional journalist finding out that one of the Blue Jays' draft picks, outfielder Jake Marisnick, now only has a Twitter, but that it has twice as many followers than yours. Marisnick tweeted that one team told him, "f you had a facebook you wouldn't be drafted by their team." Five bucks says that was the Yankees.

Finding out there will be a movie version of The A-Team.

The report that suspended NASCAR driver Jeremy Manfield might have taken crystal meth. Not to be glib since that drug is the devil on this earth, but a methhead in Neckar is pretty much a perfect storm of rural stereotypes.

Mr. Canoehead ...

It's all raisins off an Oldsmobile, friends ... raisins off an Oldsmobile ...

NBA commissioner David Stern insisting players have to spend a year in college when six of the 10 starters in his league's championship series did not. Derrick Rose's obligatory season in the NCAA did wonders for the reputation of the University of Memphis, since he apparently wasn't eligible when he led them to the Final Four in 2008.

Sports media folk who still use "Motor City" in place of Detroit. That nickname should be retired on compassionate grounds.

The logic of typing, "there are children in Hamilton who will begin kindergarten this fall without ever having seen the local CFL team qualify for post-season play." It's hard to believe there are five-year-olds, even in the Hammer, who are that into the CFL.

Being able to respect the WNBA while still finding Family Guy funny. Seth MacFarlane is showing one can still be brilliant, even if he's threatened by tall women. We get it.

Morning with Mr. Canoehead ...

Stuff that should bounce off you like raisins off an Oldsmobile ...

Alex Rodríguez told a Cleveland columnist that "basketball and golf" are his favourite sports — two weeks after he told a Toronto writer he "can't get enough of" hockey. It's like someone — call him Steve S., no, too obvious, S. Simmons — got sucked in Rodriguez's PR spin.

The fact the prison (Pittsburgh Instition) that Mike Danton has been moved to is actually closer to David Frost's house than the one he was at before.

Being over 30. It means 29-year-old MP Pierre Poilievre is no longer your generational representation in the House of Commons. When the best defence for someone is that he is not necessarily racist, just an idiot, maybe he shouldn't be in Parliament.

Doug Gilmour was interviewed on Rogers Sportsnet during the Red Sox-Jays game last night. Talk about timing: The Jays had lost nine in a row, so they talk to the coach of the Kingston Frontenacs. And what happened during the same inning Gilmour was interviewed? The Jays scored five runs and won the game, so Gilmour was responsible for a turnaround that might only last one game — just like with the Fronts.

(Actually, Peter Zezel must have been pulling some strings.)

Christian Lacroix filing for court protection. It's tough to feel symapthy for a company which sold clothes which people couldn't fit into even if they could afford them.

Something to be grateful for is the British practice of listing the home team first in a sports schedule, which opposite to how it's done in North America. It eliminates the confusion that arises when the TV listings say, "Breakfast at Wembley." Sometimes it takes a second to realize there's no team called Breakfast.

Lastly, the line of the week from TV Feeds My Family, on the morally bankrupt Save Local TV campaign: "The Canadian network program buyers are down in LA right now, doing their damnedest to save local television. Somehow — even though they all say they're broke — they'll come back from the annual LA screenings with most of the 22 new U.S. network offerings."

Monday morning with Mr. Canoehead...

Let it bounce off you like raisins off an Oldsmobile ... check out Puck Daddy's post on the Memorial Cup, by the way ...

Mark Teixeira hitting a home run at Coors Field East the new Yankee Stadium on a pitch where he broke his bat. There would be calls for a Congressional inquiry if someone built a park in Denver or Houston where it was that easy to hit a home run.

Broadcasters who don't realize you "can't succeed by forcing zany or funny or irreverence," as Phil Mushnick put it. That would include TSN's Darren Dutchyshen joking about Pittsburgh Penguins star Evgeni Malkin's parents "having sexy time" while recapping a playoff game last week. It's not insensitive, it's just witless. Borat references were old three days after the movie came out, let alone almost three years later.

The same goes for Rogers Sportsnet baseball commentator Darrin Fletcher eating on-air during a recent Jays game. They're just having fun, damn it, so what if it's bad broadcasting?

Knowing that if the NHL moves the start of the Stanley Cup final ahead to this weekend, it will only be because of a bout of temporary sanity. It means cheering for Detroit to oust Chicago on Tuesday, which is a small price to pay.

An altogether stinky sports Sunday: Blue Jays lose sixth in a row, the Memorial Cup finally was basically over halfway through the first period, the NBA playoff game was a hackfest (61 fouls called in Orlando's win) and having to fake an interest in the Indianapolis 500. There's a lot to be said for being aloof and acting above it all.

Mornings with Mr. Canoehead...

Like raisins off an Oldsmobile, people ...

Alex Rodriguez dating actress Kate Hudson. The Almost Famous actress is just like the Yankees: She hasn't been part of a winner since 2000.

TSN being small-town cheap by hyping TSN2's coverage of the Blue Jays-Red Sox series, and then turning on the TV at 7 p.m. to find out it was the NESN broadcast, the same as a Rogers Cable customer gets when you have to watch a game on the Extra Innings feed.

Quoth The Tao of Stieb: "All of this scrapping over carriage on the Rogers cable system, and the CTVgm folks can't even see to it that a Canadian crew is employed to broadcast the game? How was this different than Rogers just giving the free MLB Extra Innings Preview? (Our guess is that TSN2 didn't have an HD production truck at its disposal, given TSN's hockey duties, so they decided to take the easier simulcasting route.)

"... We were actually happy to watch the NESN broadcast, which probably has the best production quality of any local MLB broadcast. However, spending close to three hours listening to Dennis Eckersley's ridiculous meanderings just about drove us batty. Really, can we have another five minute discussion of 'sneaky cheese?' " Not to make a mountain out of a molehill, but what really pointed out how shortsighted the decision was that the Red Sox had two Canadians (Jason Bay in left field and George Kottaras, who is Tim Wakefield's personal catcher). People might have appreciated that being pointed out, but it didn't matter to American announcers.

Trying to figure out the whereabouts of Brian Campbell on the Detroit Red Wings' overtime goal in the Stanley Cup playoffs last night. It's all part of the great plan, the Red Wings making good on any number of gutless "Detroit in six" form picks.

Alex Rios getting thrown out stealing last night with a knuckleball pitcher on the mound.

NBC's announced fall lineup not including Friday Night Lights, which won't air on the network until summer 2010. Summer is not for football, unless it's three downs.

Morning with Mr. Canoehead...

Stuff that bounces off your head like raisins off an Oldsmobile ...

The logic of those attack ads aimed at Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff basically meaning that Wayne Gretzky isn't an authentic Canadian. He's spent too much of his life outside the country, too.

Any guilt over not caring about major junior hockey's Memorial Cup unless you live in the city of a participating team. It's not your fault the Canadian Hockey League takes two weekends to decide a championship that can be done in one (OHL champ plays the QMJHL champ in the semi-final, winner plays the WHL in the final, over).

The sneaking suspicion that Blue Jays manager Cito Gaston's refusal to have Lyle Overbay pinch-hit for Kevin Millar against right-handed pitchers can be traced back to at-bat music. Overbay's song is Creed's One. You deserve to be spot-welded to the bench for that.

Rogers Sportsnet's Mike Toth ripping Roy Halladay for, in Tother's twisted logic, "not promoting baseball" in Toronto. This from someone whose ant overlords at Rogers Communications, Inc., sold off Blue Jays telecasts to TSN2, meaning fans can't watch some big games.

Newspaper publishers being crybabies about Google even though Google is willing to show them how to keep their pages from being indexed. The last thing anyone wants is for their content to be easily found.

The Rogers/TSN2 flap has continued to put the screws to NBA fans in Canada (the few, the proud) even long after the Raptors' season ended. TSN was scheduled to show a few games of the NBA conference finals, but it's got the NHL and the the Blue Jays-Red Sox series next week.

Lastly, great line from last night's 30 Rock: "We should go to a Yankees game. I have seats in the section between the players' wives and the players' mistresses ... I never go on Bat Day." At least the Yankees are going to start letting people into the good seats during batting practice.

Snark break...

The stuff you're not letting bother you today ...

The gut feeling Henrik and Daniel Sedin's playoff underperformance (prior to Monday night's barnburner in Chicago) won't be so big a factor if they sign with the Leafs. They'd have to make it to May first, first.

TSN putting out a second press release hyping TSN2's coverage of next week's Red Sox-Blue Jays series.

(The rumour du jour: The Leafs, drafting No. 7 and the Lightning, picking No. 2, are going to flip picks and Toronto takes Ryan Malone's salary-cap hit.)

Talk about the NFL playing the Super Bowl in London, England. Everything there is already unaffordable as it is. Besides, you don't take your sport to new markets by playing games there, you do it by having players from those countries, such as Yao Ming or Dirk Nowitzki in the NBA or Ichiro in baseball. The NFL is comical when it comes to its Marshall Plan-era efforts to understand America's backwards neighbours throughout the world.

The ads Rogers Sportsnet ran last week trumpeting that the Blue Jays finished April first in the American League in "runs scored, hits and RBI." The first fifth of their season has been awesome, but two of those categories are essentially the same thing and what's slightly less irrelevant, hits or higher batting average? (The Jays are still first in that, at a robust .294.)

Sportsnet's been playing up tonight's pitching matchup between new Yankee A.J. Burnett and his "mentor," Roy Halladay. Ironically, Burnett is actually the oldest of the two.

The Windsor play-by-play announcer who shouted "Mission accomplished!" after the Spitfires won the OHL title on Taylor Hall's overtime goal without betraying the proper hint of irony (around the 4:15 mark).



(Seriously, how nails is Taylor Hall, the Kingston boy? The Kingston minor hockey product leading the Spits to a Memorial Cup berth, Mike Murphy being named the league's best goalie and the Kingston Kimco Voyageurs finishing fourth in all of Canada was more than enough to salvage the Limestone City's collective pride, junior hockey-wise.)

This post is worth nothing, but this is worth noting

• The Raptors' Andrea Bargnani only made the second team for the NBA No-Defense squad, thank you very much.
• The Score is having a nationwide search for Canada's finest undiscovered sports broadcaster. They would do this six weeks before Kinger leaves the country.

Snark break...

The stuff you will not allow to affect your day, but can't let pass ...

... Not finding time to write a post about the lack of interest in the world hockey championship entitled and then finding out the NHL Players' Association would like the worlds to only be held every two years. Then again, only Bill Plascke gets to be right about things before they happen.

... that while most people are cheering for Jim Balsillie, a gay joke is out of bounds.

"Balsillie makes fun of Bettman because the commish's middle name is Bruce and he was born in Queens. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

It's not clear whether to be offended more as a bleeding-heart liberal or because that's such a dated reference.

... actually, is kind of neat seeing that Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin from Superbad, for his sake hopefully not always and forever) was partying with the Boston Celtics. Of course, if he hung out with the Raptors, there would be no chance of anyone blocking his cock, because that would involve playing defence.

Snark break...

As you were continuing to give people who were in gifted classes a bad name ...

Apologies for not going in-depth on the NFL draft, but so many do it so well. Daily Norseman summed up the Lions taking Matthew Stafford No. 1 overall thusly: "I'm not sold on the guy as a franchise QB. But, the Lions apparently are ... and that's all that matters.

Ottawa Senators players scored four of Canada's six goals vs. Belarus on Friday. It all makes sense why the Sennies missed the playoffs: Dany Heatley wanted to become the Canada's all-time goal scoring leader at the world championship.*

Sportsnet made a good move by airing the first-place Blue Jays' two-touchdown win over Chicago White Sox on two channels and put the Red Sox-Yankees game on the other two. Jason Bay hit a tying home run off Mariano Rivera in the ninth inning and the Red Sox won in the 11th. If this keeps up, the Red Sox and Yankees should have a real battle for that wild-card spot (kidding).

Congratulations to the Brampton Battalion for reaching the OHL final for the first time. Does this mean the Kingston Frontenacs are no longer obligated to trade their best 19-year-old forward to Brampton every season? (Matt "President" Kang this season, Cory Emmerton last season.)

The Legendary Chris Thomas used to say he lasted so long in one town because he always gave everyone a say, a fair shake. In the spirit of that, kudos to Sportsnet for splitting up the two games. It was a win-win. Of course, then someone had to go and spell the Brampton team's name wrong on the website. D'oh.

This post is worth nothing, but this is worth noting:

• Kingston native Scott Arniel is expected to be the next AHL coach to get a shot in the NHL. Don't come crying to me that one Alberta paper spelled his name "Arneil." People from Ontario can't make jokes about Alberta schools not teaching "i before e," since at least that province didn't take until 2000 to realize high school should only be four years.
  
  
• Cincinnati Reds slugger Joey Votto is willing to suffer fools gladly.
  
  
• Former Queen's running back Brian Crawford, now a veteran special teamer with the Toronto Argonauts, was featured in a Globe & Mail story about CFL players and their off-season jobs.
  
  (Any Gaels runner is going to have a tough time matching the Brad Elberg standard, but Crawford was a favourite. He was the classic halfback who could run between the tackles, catch the ball and return punts and kickoffs.

(* Snide comment about Heatley only meant to evoke the jokes Steve Spurrier, when he was with the Florida Gators, always made about rival Tennessee: "Now I know why Peyton Manning came back for his senior year: He wanted to be three-time MVP of the Citrus Bowl.")

Snark break...

As you were out buying more booze. Either it's a recession or you don't think you have a problem...

The joke about how Toronto should try to get one NHL team before it angles for a second one has officially been retired, in case you hear anyone make it today. (Steve Brunt says it's too early for the NHL and the Toronto Maple Leafs to come around.)

The CFL is cautioning players about social networking. Someone a while back was pretending to be Argos running back Jamal Robertson on Twitter, which pales in comparison to the 40 guys in Hamilton who pretended to be football players last season.

Spring is a wonderful time in Ottawa. The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing and people are looking forward to summer, when they can complain that the bands at Bluesfest are playing too loud.

The musicians aren't supposed to go higher than 90 decibels. That's enough, right?

Veteran sound engineer Ken Friesen doubts it.

"When I'm mixing a rock show, I usually come in just about 100, with peaks at about 105. That’s like a full-on, hitting-you impact level.

"At 90, the crowd would be yelling things like, 'Turn it on.' "

Remember, it's not The Town Fun Forgot. It's The Town Fun Moved To When It Grew Up And Had A Family (glove tap: Steve Rushin).

The Hater Nation isn't too sweet on Mark Sanchez or Matthew Stafford becoming big-time NFL quarterbacks, so it won't feel too bad if Sanchez isn't there when the Minnesota Vikings select 22nd overall (four picks after the Chicago Bears blow their pick).

This post was worth nothing, but this is worth noting:

• Did everyone see that the 4/20 Family Guy episode referenced How I Met Your Mother? (They actually did it before, two seasons ago.) Peter notes, "I've only seen that show once, but how come the narration is done by Bob Saget? I mean, the main character is grown up, his voice isn't gonna change."
  
• Vaughn Martin, the Western Mustangs
  
• In case there isn't time to break this out, MMA could be sanctioned in Ontario sooner rather than later.

The Trippers ...

It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter! ...Forget the "Milkerson" jokes, Brad Wilkerson, who retired Sunday, was a pretty fine ballplayer. He will always be the only Expo to have a 30-homer, 100-run, 100-walk season. You could look it up.

You know the drill: "It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter..."

... that NBC can dictate NHL broadcast policy even though it paid the same rights fee as your next-door neighbour (zero).

... that hockey announcers, please, have got to stop saying a goaltender who played a great game "stood tall." Technically, everyone stands tall to some extent, except for the goalies who play the butterfly style. They crouch.

... that the woman who got conked on the head by Bill Murray's tee shot missed a golden opportunity by settling for him signing a copy of Caddyshack. She should have made him reveal what he said to Scarlett Johanson at the end of Lost in Translation.

... that the New York Post thought it was it funny to have a headline, "Madonna bucked by horse." Everyone thought it, sure, but it still has not been funny since 1994.

... that drivel from Bleacher Report which is begging to get FJM'd comes up in Google News searches. Making fun of sabermetricians still has not been funny since 2004.

" 'Dear Diary, today I went to the baseball arena and watched a muscle-bound barbarian molest the ball with extreme ferocity. It was truly horrendous. He had three hits in four trips to the plate, but on his fourth attempt he swung at a pitch that was very near the outside corner of the strike zone and was ruled out by the official standing behind home plate. He did not draw a walk today, nor is he slow enough on the base paths to truly garner my respect. Well, that's all for now. Time to treat myself to footage of Steve Balboni getting on base.'

"Look sabermetricians, you can peddle your numbers all you want behind closed doors, or in the company of general managers and team executives. Just keep your math away from those of us who actually enjoy baseball.

"Oh, and curb the attitude as well. There's a reason you got picked last in high school, and the fact of the matter is no one likes you any better now than they did back then."

That's pretty original, playing the geek card. Noting Steve Balboni was not a great on-base guy (.293 career OBP), probably proves his point, so why did you go and look it up?

... what people say about the Leafs, including stretching one long Leaf joke what was apparently supposed to be a newspaper editorial. Making fun of the Leafs is as Canadian as maple syrup, cold beer and going to a cottage in May. There's nothing anyone can say to Leafs fans they don't talk about among themselves.

This post is worth nothing, but this is worth noting:

• The three Kingston Frontenacs playing in the world under-18 championship, Erik Gudbranson, Ethan Werek and Taylor Doherty, were denied a medal at the world under-18 hockey championship. Canada lost 5-4 to Finland in a shootout in the bronze-medal game.
  
• A tip of the cap is due to the Ottawa Senators intermediates, who won Provincial Women's Hockey League title by beating the Toronto Aeros 5-3 in the championship game on Sunday. Bryanna Farris, who's off to New Hampshire next season, had three points in the championship game for the Sennies.
  
  (It's a shame their NHL namesakes aren't still playing so the feat could be acknowledged.)

Snark break...

Milk before the cereal? You wild man, you... how was your Have-Not Province Party?

The Creighton University baseball team, which is also the Blue Jays, lost in extra innings on Tuesday, just like their American League namesake. In case you're wondering, they also didn't use Travis Snider in the final three innings. (Seriously, Cito Gaston, you don't manage to protect the egos of marginal talent.)

The Buffalo Bills' Toronto game is on a Thursday, meaning it will be on the NFL Network. Someone please ask Rogers chairman Phil Lind how having the game on a network no one in the U.S. gets will, in his words, "re-introduce Toronto to American viewers as a tourist haven." As a double whammy, Rogers is spending all this money to promote a game that will air in Canada on rival TSN.

The New York Jets are also skedded for home games during Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Smooth move, NFL.

Hockey Night in Canada's playoff preview, as you know, included the perspicacious puck pundits from Canucks Corner, Kuklas Korner and Puck Daddy, which was essential. It was a bit heart-sinking that good airtime was wasted on the tapped-out blogs vs. mainstream media debate, which is a major eye-glazer compared to talking about who's going to advance in the playoffs.



That whole debate is about as fresh as a Leafs joke. Anyway, that's just a small quibble from a small person. Greg Wyshynski is taking the St. Louis Blues to beat the Vancouver Canucks, by the way.

Free-agent NHLer Mike Comrie's dad founded the Canadian furniture chain, The Brick. After the season Comrie had, some team should be able to sign him for no money down.

No one remembers if David Beckham took any reds when he played for the L.A. Galaxy, but he got carded while trying to buy a glass of red wine once.

It's hard to figure out who to root for in a lawsuit between Woody Allen and American Apparel. One is really creepy, disgusting and sleazy. The other makes movies.

This post is worth nothing, but this is worth noting:

• Garry Nunn scored the series-winning goal for the Vancouver Giants in the second round of the WHL playoffs last night. Hosing him out of a college education really paid off.
• For anyone wondering, the only reason to pay attention to the NFL draft is to see if a team will give Pat White a shot at playing quarterback. A six-foot-nothin' left-handed scrambler who played for a spread option team at West Virginia? Do it.
• A belated congrats to a friend and fellow 2002 University of King's College grad, Renée Mercuri, and her spouse, Joshua Tusin. They welcomed their first child, Maxence "Max" Tao Mercuri Tusin, into the world on April 6.

Snark break ...

The small stuff you're not sweating on this Easter Sunday ...

... who wins the Masters. Golf's fine and dandy for those who are into it, as long as they admit they're "emotionally constipated," as The Guardian's Will Buckley puts it. That's a fair deal. Remember, this is the age where you only have to admit to your hangups, not actually try to fix them.

... Rogers Sportsnet's Nick Kypreos whinging on Friday about the next NHL Winter Classic not including a Canadian team, since "it started in Edmonton in 2003." Those cursed with memory recall the NHL borrowed the idea from college hockey (Michigan and Michigan State played an outdoor game in '01) and that fans might not mind seeing two traditional U.S. rivals meet in a game on Hockey Night in Canada, since it's a break from being subjected to the Leafs every Saturday night for six months.

... the journo who said, "At long last, Ali and Frasier will get it on" in reference to Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson being in the same group at the Masters. What, you didn't know Kelsey Grammar was a boxer?

... not knowing the Tampa Bay Lightning set a NHL record by using 22 defencemen this season. Most people thought they didn't have any defencemen.

... former NHLer Theoren Fleury playing in the Allan Cup this week for the Steinbach North Stars. He wants to play, God bless him. He's a folk hero.

Snark break ...

As you were picking up sides for 43-man squamish ... and who knew ER was still on the air?

Dane Cook's April Fools' joke was to announce that he's going to be in the next Twilight movie. People laughed for a couple minutes, then thought about later and couldn't figure out why they did.

For Ottawa sports fans scoring at home: On Monday, the baseball team folded, literally. On Tuesday, both hockey teams folded, figuratively.

Seriously, what a brutal end for the Ottawa 67's in Brian Kilrea's final season. Some might say it's too bad they didn't win for him, but really it's too bad they couldn't win for themselves. It's a youngish team beyond Logan Couture (who took the collar, going 0-for-4 in the OHL playoffs) and the other 19- and 20-year-olds.

Bob McCown, yesterday on Prime Time Sports: "Fewer hockey calls than we’ve ever, ever, ever had. Are you that bored? Are you that resigned to the Maple Leafs’ fate? Is there nothing to talk about?" Cripes, it's almost like the 24/7 hockey talk cured people of wanting to talk hockey.

Cox Bloc is switching teams, to the Canadiens. Make sure you check the calendar.

Norm Coleman suffered a big setback in his recount battle for a U.S. Senate Seat with Al Franken. If only there was someone to tell Coleman that he's good enough, he's smart enough and doggone it, people like him.

That was written with full awareness everyone told that joke yesterday.

Snark break ...

Classic Ottawa. Two different sports-bar type places yesterday, one during lunchtime rush and one during dinner rush, and neither had the NCAA Tournament on any of their dozen or so TVs. World's biggest village, indeed.

It's stuff like that which curries favour for the notion Canada is addicted to hockey (nothing this site's commenters and writers haven't said before).

Beer companies invent cheesy ads related to Canadians' devotion to hockey; fast-food chains sell NHL figurines with a meal combo and the Stanley Cup playoffs run into June making it an eight-month season.

And Canadians eat it all up.

"That's an unhealthy addiction.

Other sports like baseball, basketball, soccer, among others, are pushed to the fringe to make room for the almighty game of stick, ice and puck. And that's not right."

The San Jose Sharks' Jeremy Roenick bought a golf course near Boston. This will give his teammate, Joe Thornton, somewhere to hang out in the middle of May, when he always seems to have a lot of free time.

Shame on Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski for saying President Barack Obama should "focus on the economy" because he doesn't have the Blue Devils reaching the Final Four in his NCAA bracket (him and a lot of people). Far be it to expect Coach K to realize he gets paid $3 million a year to coach 19-year-olds in part since Americans turn to sports for solace in tough times. Who wouldn't be happy to find out they did better with their picks than Obama, who went 11-5 on Thursday's games?

Besides, Krzyzewski sure didn't turn down an invitation to take his team to the White House when Duke won the Final Four in 1991, '92 and 2001. Wouldn't that have taken the President's focus away from serious stuff?

There are way too many timeouts in NCAA basketball. Also, 24 seconds to shoot instead of (yawn) 35 means the Canadian version of the game is 1.4583333333333 times better than the NCAA.

Referring to college basketball's NIT as the Not Invited Tournament never gets old.

This post is worth nothing, but this is worth noting:

• Jeffrey Loria is one vote away from getting his new ballpark for the Florida Marlins.
  
• Congratulations to a one-time Simcoe Reformer colleague, Monte Sonnenberg, who is nominated for a National Newspaper Award in the local reporting category.
  
• Kingston Whig-Standard reporter Rob Tripp's Cancrime site is a real treasure trove, if you're into society's seamy underbelly.