BATTER UP: SEATTLE MARINERS

Counting down the seconds till Opening Day when life begins anew involves providing a "starting nine" for all 29 major-league teams, and if there's time, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays too! Presenting: The Seattle Mariners.

1. Ichiro will soon be Mr. 3000: The Mariners outfielder has 2,788 career hits when you combine his Japanese and U.S. stats. He's on course for the 212 he needs for an even three large by the end of this season. Isao Harimoto's Japanese career record of 3,085 isn't far off, and what about Pete Rose's mark of 4,256?
   
   It might sound cheap to concoct a 3,000-hit countdown for Ichiro, but people need some reason to pay attention to the M's. Like one blogger opined, "He's the reason we go to the park in April when it's 34 degrees outside."
2. Post-Patum depression: Like the Orioles since 1998, the M's have not had a winning season since GM Pat Gillick moved on in '03 -- and remember how the Jays went in the toilet after Gillick left in the mid-'90s?
   
   Seventy-eight wins could end up being a high-water mark for Seattle, but no one should despair since being mediocre helps the Mariners fill their very particular niche in the universe. (Seriously.)
3. I observe... because I am a novelist: Seattle pitcher Miguel Batista's next novel as the Sporting News describes it, is a thriller where a "project has gone horribly wrong and is threatening to "bring Armageddon to the world.' " Really? Some would say that pretty much describes what happened when the Jays made Batista their closer in 2005.
   
   Seriously, hat tip to Batista for the success of his debut novel, which has gone to a third printing in Spanish and is also out in English. No one's literary ambitions should ever be mocked. (Except for this guy's.)
4. It's called gilding the lily, and we don't mean Ted: Seattle Times scribe Larry Stone actually wrote that the M's can contend, writing of 20-year-old pitching phenom Felix Hernandez, "Don't underestimate what one indomitable pitcher can mean for a rotation. Felix has the ability, if harnessed, to carry a team in a fashion the Mariners haven't had since prime-time Randy Johnson."
   
   Suppose Hernandez pitches like Doc Gooden did in 1985 for 200 or so innings (Gooden threw 277 that year when he was 24-4 with a 1.53 ERA). That might get Seattle to above .500. Stone cited other reasons for a M's miracle, but he lost us at the Randy Johnson comparison. The Unit didn't even learn to pitch until he was almost 30. Hernandez is all kinds of good, but he will still be 20 on Opening Day.
5. Mariner Law: During the Ken Griffey Jr. era, the Mariners went through left-fielders like Murphy Brown went through secretaries. It actually seems like the only time they have a capable player there is when the team is in an, uh, tranquil period. Phil Bradley wasn't half bad back in the '80s, andlefty-hitting Raúl Ibáñez (.289/.353/.516, 103 runs scored) is one of the few contemporary Mariners who actually provides "plus" production.
6. That's good fun, Rickey: This our 18th preview and there hasn't been one Rickey Henderson anecdote. During his short time in Seattle, the all-time runs scored king asked John Olerud about the batting helmet he started wearing after suffering a brain aneurysm in college.
   
   "Yeah?" said Henderson. "When I was in Toronto there was a guy who did that."
   "I know," Olerud said. "That was me."
7. Retro Mariner: Don't know much about Diego Segui (right-handed pitcher, 1969 and '77) other than the fact his son David played for the Jays and Expos. Segui Sr. owns the distinction of being the only person to pitch for the short-lived Seattle Pilots and the Mariners. Before pitching for the one and only edition of the Pilots in 1969, he also chucked ball for two other teams which ain't around no more -- the Kansas City A's and the second version of the Washington Senators. Hey, less reunions to attend!
8. Need-to-know: The Mariners should bring back that trident insignia from the '80s, since the M would stand for Meh.
   
   Some teams have sluggers; Seattle has Ichiro and a bunch of sluggards, half of whom seem to be named Jose (Guillen and Vidro). Aside from Ichiro and Ibáñez, the hitters ain't much to look at, and the pitching is what it is.
9. They are the most Zen team in baseball, and this explains so much: Their superstar player shuns endorsements and gives quotes that are translated into English as, "Where there’s a possibility, I just can't see it right now. I think that's the fun of baseball. You just don't know if there’s a next level, you can't see it. You just have to go and work at it."
   
   Seattle is also the city where journeyman pitchers such as Batista and Jim Bouton of Ball Four fame, sowed their wordsmithin' oats. Where else would the most beloved ballplayer of all time be a designated hitter, Edgar Martinez?
   
   What does that all mean? It shows that the Mariners were not put on the planet to win pennants but to help the common person come closer to truth. There is no easy gratification when you're a Seattle baseball fan; it's just like life.
   
   Ichiro could rule the world. He could earn $30 million a year doing commercials in Japan, he could add some uppercut to his swing and hit 20-25 homers a year, but he chooses not to since he's content with what he has. He would rather go about his business than have people shouting commercial catchphrases such as "Cut that meat!" like they do at Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning. The world needs more Ichiro, less Peyton Manning.
   
   Sitting here today, it's so obvious that it's no coincidence the dreadful age we're living in started when the Mariners had a good team. Starting around 1995, the first year faux Mariners Johnson, Griffey and Alex Rodriguez all played regularly, the Mariners got good (but not good enough to actually win anything) and that created a cosmic disturbance in the universe. It's not for nothing that the worst year in the recent history of humanity, 2001, coincided with the season the Mariners won an American League-record 116 games.
   
   Of course, in the playoffs that year, Ichiro hit .222 in a five-game loss to the Yankees, and ever since, the universe has slowly been put right. The Mariners suck again, and that's how it should be.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.