Blog blast past: Hats off to our Ruthless capacity to live a lie

In the wake of George Steinbrenner's death, here's a piece on the closure of Yankee Stadium in from Sept. 22, 2008.

You can't talk about Yankee Stadium. There isn't any such place.

Cranky-panted Seamhead objections notwithstanding, it is impossible to not be touched on some level by the closure of the Stadium. One would have to be a sad bastard to begrudge anyone who gave in to the faux gravitas on Sunday night in the Bronx.

Look at it this way. A lot of people never visited the Montreal Forum, or maybe only got to do it once or twice. They still felt a sense of loss March 12, 1996, the day after the Canadiens played there for the final time. It's part of the understanding that pro sports would not exist without the glow you get from our shared existence as fans. I'm talking about the vibe that means two people can make plans to meet up with two other people they barely know after a game and already have the basis for a conversation.

That might be part of where the feeling of loss with the closure of the Stadium comes from, the loss of a first-hand experience. Speaking as a history buff who had the foresight not to study history in university and lose the ability to enjoy it, history is best when it's scuffed like one of Whitey Ford's pitches. Think about all the kids who'll never have the chance to be introduced to that now -- although with what the Yankees charge for tickets, plenty were denied that already.

Moving out of Yankee Stadium is another step closer to having our shared experience come even more prefab, sanitized and franchised.For instance, Maury Brown at The Biz of Baseball noted that Yankee Stadium III will have "a martini bar and a steakhouse on the inside – a ruse designed to recall the historic memory of the past while tapping into the wallets of those that come to a new stadium, not just to watch a game, but to be serviced in grand style."

In other words, you get Phil from Marketing's undercooked and watered-down notion of the 1940s and '50s passed off as historically based. Sterling Cooper would be proud; people think they are getting something, even if it's actually about as true to that bygone era as a typical Mad Men episode. Like, come on. Who has a martini and a steak at a ballgame?

So much for that famous ad that starred Humphrey Bogart: A hot dog at the ballpark beats a steak at the Ritz. And, of course, any baseball fan you'd want to watch nine innings of baseball with with drinks beers, always in the plural.

Enough about that, though. All in all, the Stadium sendoff owed more to George Orwell than to George Herman Ruth. This goes way beyond the Yankees ignoring their dismal 1986-92 era by not even having the common courtesy to bring out Steve "Bye-Bye" Balboni to wave bye-bye.

(Balboni was a laughably limited part-time DH who played two seasons in pinstripes and almost hit his weight over that time. In fairness, he weighed 225.)

Roger Clemens? To borrow Yankee TV play-by-play man Michael Kay's home run call, "See ya!" The disgraced right-hander was misremembered in the official record, even though it was just last season that the Yankees wanted him so badly that he signed a pro-rated $28-million contract for one season.

Ex-manager Joe Torre, who's now with the L.A. Dodgers, was similarly "disappeared." Never mind that Torre guided the Yankees to four World Series titles or that the image of him sitting stoically in the dugout is burned into my brain, thanks to Fox's death-by-a-million-quick-cuts style of presenting playoff baseball.

Torre won more titles than Hall of Fame Yankees manager Miller Huggins, who only had 15 other teams to contend with, and more than Ralph Houk, whose stature was such that he could only be portrayed in 61* by the guy who played D-Day in Animal House. However, he was fired and he's headed to the playoffs while the Yankees are not.

All of it rang a bit hollow, right down to the what-keeps-this-guy-alive Bob Sheppard's recorded player introductions. The Yankees ownership is likely feeling no pain over leaving. They have been trying to escape from that place since about 1981, when Snake Plisskin was appointed to the board of directors.

Remember the racially loaded innuendos George Steinbrenner perpetrated in the early '90s about the Bronx being too scary for his season ticket holders? It was all part of grand scheme:

"In truth, this was a happy occasion for everyone but the fans, who will need mortgages to afford tickets next year. The Yanks will finally own their own ballpark, the players will finally move from the utility closet in the basement into a real clubhouse, and the ownership will pocket fistfuls of cash from 60 luxury boxes.
-- Wallace Matthews, amNY.com

Translation: It mean the Yankees, whom you need to have in the playoffs so you can hate something and know that you're alive, are turning into MLSE with foul lines. (The closure occurred on the same weekend the Tampa Bay Rays, with a payroll just $5 million higher than perpetually injured Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano's contract, wrapped up their first playoff berth. By the way, Rays owner Stuart Sternberg grew up as a Mets fan.

All the "85 years" talk reveals is our admirable, Costanza-like ability to live, like, 20 lies at the same time. It neatly ignores that, as ShysterBall said, "For the record, the last home run in Yankee Stadium was hit by backup catcher Duke Sims. It happened on September 30, 1973 against the Tigers. After that game, New York played for two years in Shea Stadium and then 33 years in one of those unfortunate 1970s-era ballparks that are now finally and mercifully gone."

Then's there the reality that the Yankees' deal with New York City for public assistance for Yankee Stadium III stinks to the point that even proud Republicans are calling the baseball team "taxpayer-leeching pimps." Republicans using that language? You'd swear a Democrat was about to get elected president.

There is all of that and more. It's not a Yankee-hating thing (eh, maybe a little). Maybe all of this speaks to the general shallowness of modern life.

In the absence of clarity, the best way to deal is to give priority to the mythology of Yankee Stadium has value, too.

For pity's sake, it was the only place that could be called the Stadium without anyone asking which stadium. When Crash Davis went off on his "one more dying quail" rant in Ron Shelton's Bull Durham, he talked about how one more hit per week was the difference between being in the bush leagues and being in Yankee Stadium.

It was about as close to something anyone can understand as you're going to get in a Hollywood sports film.

Sure, as far as ballparks appearing in movies go, Kevin Costner also played a character who felt compelled to drag a famous author to Fenway Park. John Hughes knew Ferris Bueller's day off would be incomplete without a trip to Wrigley Field. That is only from a fan perspective.

What Shelton, the ballplayer turned writer meant, was that Yankee Stadium was the proving ground for a player. The media has dumbed that down over the years, but it does not make it any less true.

Yankee Stadium was Oz-like -- a fantasy world full of odd creatures with names like Billy, Mickey, Whitey, Yogi, Reggie, Jet-ah and Mariano. On one night in 1996, thanks to Jeffrey Maier and an egregious case of craven home-team officiating, it was more like the shower room in Oz for the Baltimore Orioles. (Yeah, I went there.)

Whatever you think of the Yankees, there is a sense of loss when you know that here on out, Aura and Mystique are likely just the nom de peel of A-Rod's, um, casual acquaintances.

All of that is being left behind in the greater name of greed. Sports is big business, but it still sucks.

Michael Lewis' book gets Bullockized, and that's OK

There probably is an essay to be had about how Hollywood killed the football movie.

In the here and now, today's take-home is there are two ways to try to adapt a Michael Lewis book that's ostensibly about sports. Try to hit a film geek home run and risk having it get stuck in development hell such as with the Moneyball movie, or switching to football metaphors, run it up the middle by turning into a Sandra Bullock movie.

Honestly, now that the trailer for The Blind Side is out, it's reminiscent of when Peter Griffin completely sabotaged a production of The King and I and Lois admits, "Anyone who can get that from that deserves credit." In short, holy doodle:



The Blind Side is due in theatres in November.

It has the same director as The Rookie, the Disneyfied based-on-a-true-story baseball movie where Dennis Quaid played Jim Morris, the high school science teacher who made a comeback in his mid-30s and actually pitched for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Lewis' 2006 The Blind Side, which touched on pretty much everything about contemporary America such as race, jock culture, Christian materialism and the growing gap between rich and poor. It was all done by relating how Michael Oher, who is African American, was taken in by a rich, white family headed by a power couple, Leigh Ann and Sean Tuohy.

The naturally dark-haired, dark-eyed Bullock plays blond, blue-eyed Leigh Ann Tuohy, since they have an uncanny resemblance.

Lewis' choice to ae it a biography of the NFL's emphasis on the left tackle position was more of an entry point to draw in the thinking sports fan, so-called, whose ego needs to believe that they have a social conscience. It was a remarkable story long before Oher matured into a first-round NFL draft choice.

Lewis' books are always a kind of theatre of the mind.

It would be a fair stretch to say the same about a Sandra Bullock vehicle. She is on a personal Hollywood no-fly list — as in if he/she is in it, it doesn't fly — that includes but is not limited to Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, Nicolas Cage, Reese Witherspoon, Will Smith, Angelina Jolie, Zac Efron, Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl and Tom Cruise. They're all wonderful, talented people whose movies should be avoided for the same reason you stopped eating McDonald's, part because of the caloric content but more due to the lack of surprises.

All the trailer is missing is a scene where Sandra/Leigh Ann breaks the fourth wall and demands the Oscar nom.

Meantime, this is probably a topic for Bill Simmons and the other officially approved icons of irreverence, but this might be a nail in the coffin for the football movie. You can probably pinpoint it to Washington's Remember The Titans. Maybe it started with Cruise in Jerry Maguire, but the mould changed. Every football movie now has to follow the same template. Cast a bankable star, put her/him into a situation that needs fixing, have the a-ha! moment where the players all decide to buy in and bend to authority, make sure it ends on an upbeat message, and stir. A couple who just wants a night out and something they will not hate too much, they will go see a movie which has Sandra Bullock and football.

Of course, making it more about a coach or mentor figure means it can't be about the player, which is a shame. The role of a lifetime in a football movie, playing Jim Brown in a biopic, is going begging for some young African American actor.

Instead, take it away, Every Day Should Be Saturday ...

"We’ve got another white-woman-saves-poor-aimless-black-people story on our hands. You could, if you were so inclined, condense The Blind Side down to that very cursory description, and to some extent film adaptations can only ever be stripped-down, USA Today versions of the books on which they’re based, but still, The Blind Side was so much deeper and more complex than that. We could’ve gotten at least an attempt at translating that complexity to the screen, but instead it looks like what we’re going to get is a lot more along the lines of Sandra Bullock being, in the words of Jack Donaghy, 'Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.' "

Of course, left unsaid is that the welfare state just doesn't work, while faith-based charity does.

Meantime, you can't just have a movie where a bunch of wild 'n' crazy guys decide they want to win because while winning isn't everything, it's better than what comes next, like in Varsity Blues. True, that was was just a rip-off of All The Right Moves (smart kid with an ambivalent streak dying to be out of high school and out his small town, forever). At least those two movies had the teenaged protagonist self-defining by standing up to authority, plus there were some gratuitous exposed breasts. If it between Denzel Washington shouting slogans and James Van Der Beek telling off Jon Voight with his Texas accent fading in and out like an AM radio signal, it's the latter, every time.

Point being, don't hold your breath waiting for a good football movie. As good friend and Greg Hughes has pointed out in conversation, the economic crisis in the U.S. probably means we are headed for the most dismal age in American filmmaking since the early 1980s, at least among major studios. Complex fare is too chancy, especially with a sports movie, so a serious treatise of sports gets Bullockized.

The upshot is if it gives Michael Lewis the financial freedom to, oh, write a book about the financial implosion of the National Hockey League or whatever captures his fancy, so be it.

Meantime, maybe the idiot is the one who expected anything otherwise or sets himself up to be "completely disgusted" (Mr. Irrelevant) instead of just accepting What Is. Many people will go see this movie without even knowing about the book. C'est la vie. Maybe it is better to be that guy instead of the one watching North Dallas Forty alone again.

Related:
Memphis, we have a problem (Hey Jenny Slater)
‘The Blind Side’ Looks Awful (Chris Mottram, Mr. Irrelevant)
The Blind Side gets its trailer (Chris Littman, First Cuts)

Mornings with Mr. Canoehead

Water off a duck's back, raisins off an Oldsmobile ... what's not bothering you know.

... Sports columnists who think they have a right to comment on Serena Williams' body. Shame on you, Jason Whitlock: "She'd rather eat, half-ass her way through non-major tournaments and complain she's not getting the respect her 11-major-championships résumé demands...seriously, how else can Serena fill out her size 16 shorts without grazing at her stall between matches?"

... Whoever at FOXSports.com came up with the "Jays' Halladay all but gone in Toronto" headline based on J.P. Ricciardi saying, "if something makes sense, we at least have to listen." Flimsy basis, much? New rule: If a list of teams a reporter believes someone might be traded to exceeds one-third of the league, it's straight out of Eklund country. Quoth Craig Calcaterra: "The Blue Jays ... cannot spend a decade talking about how impossible it is to compete with Boston and New York and then turn around and give them one of the best starting pitchers in baseball during a pennant race ... if it did, it would potentially kill baseball in Toronto forever, and the fact that Rosenthal spends any time on those options at all suggests that this is more of a 'throw stuff at the wall and see what sticks' column than anything else."


... Whatever possessed an Ohio sportswriter to say, "Let the rest of the world play rugby," after Team USA beat Canada in the final of the world junior football championship on Sunday. Far be it to point out Americans should be flattered some of their backwards neighbours throughout the world have taken up the gridiron game. No matter how bad the over-the-top chauvinism gets in Canada during the world junior hockey championship, you'd never catch someone saying, "Let the rest of the world play ringette."

... The rumour Leafs first-round draft choice Nazem Kadri did not put on a hat on draft day because of his Muslim faith. Brian Burke was hilarious shooting that down: None of the Leafs' choices put on a hat when called down to the podium at the NHL draft as per a team policy (Burke noted he wanted photographers to get a better shot of the players' faces), plus there were published photos of a younger Kadri wearing a Canadiens hat. Whoever started that is out of touch.

... Bob Uecker dropping hints on-air about the possibility of a Major League 4.

... idly wondering if ave people seen the blog, Tennis Has A Steroid Problem?

BT to the dub, Erin Nicks is back up and blogging at The Universal Cynic. It will get more traffic than this site without even trying, and that's OK.

Big Fan: The dark side of obsessive fandom — can't wait

One can only assume that Big Fan, due out in theatres Aug. 28, might hit a little too close to home for some sports obsessives. It is written and directed by Robert Siegel, who wrote The Wrestler, so that might be a clue as to tone.



Casting a comic actor, in this case, Patton Oswalt, as the lead in a dramedy is high-risk. Moviegoers did not exactly warm to Seth Rogen in Observe & Report (which grossed only $25 million US, but must have something going for it since it was from Jody Hill, one of the bright minds behind Eastbound & Down) and, dating myself here, a lot of people we not ready for the Jim Carrey that they in The Cable Guy.

Not everyone's up for a movie which might creep people out as much as making them laugh. Then again, what is comedy if not pushing people's thresholds? By the sounds of what the movie nerds are saying, people expected lighter comedy when Big Fan was screened at Sundance.

"With Oswalt in the lead, most festival-goers were expecting a flat out comedy, but were shocked to find a dark dramedy. Big Fan is a character study much in the same vein of Siegel’s The Wrestler. It is a profile of an obsessed sports fanatic who has invested too much of himself into a past time. You might not like the twists and turns, and you probably won’t have any idea where this story will conclude, but you’ll walk out of it with an all new respect for Oswalt." — Peter Sciretta, /Film

"This actually looks a lot better as a trailer than I remember it being. Siegel's writing may have been fine, but his directing was completely amateur (read my review). I may still give this another shot when it hits theaters to see if Siegel has tweaked it at all since Sundance. Anyway, give it a shot, I expect a few of you may end up liking this indie a lot." — Alex Billington, FirstShowing.net

" ... audiences at Sundance were amazed to see such a dark and dramatic performance from the comedian and the trailer below really gives us a sneak peek into what we can expect from both the actor and the director." — ScreenCrave

Five other feature films about sports fans:

• Fever Pitch (1997). The good Brit adaptation of Nick Hornby's book, starring Colin Firth, positing that anyone who doesn't care about something at age 35 the same way they did at age 12 is in the wrong. "Maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted." Worth it alone for the melt of 1970s-vintage Arsenal footage. It's almost guaranteed that when that happens, you'll free-associate with moments from your own sports fan past. When Paul Ashworth harkens back to Frank McLintock, you might be picturing Roberto Alomar crushing a post-season homer off Dennis Eckersley.
  
  
• The Football Factory (2004). Gets right inside the culture of the firms, the organized group of club supporters in England whose fanaticism borders on illegality (that is a diplomatic way to put it).
  
  
• Rudy (1993). The real-life Rudy did become a player against million-to-one odds, but really, he was a fanboy first.
  
  
• Field of Dreams (1989). It's in here over the line delivered by James Earl Jones which might sum up why people go to games, "For it's money they have, and peace they lack." It's in despite a personal objection that this is, on the whole, pandering Boomer bathos (the dead giveaway being the casting of Timothy Busfield, then as now known as the "redheaded guy in thirtysomething."
  
  
• The Fan (1996). Steer clear. Robert De Niro at his scenery-chewing worst as a low-rent Travis Bickle out to help his favourite player, a brash, belligerent outfielder on the San Francisco Giants who in no way is intended to resemble Barry Bonds.

BT to the dub, Patton Oswalt had a recurring role on the old CBS sitcom King of Queens as a neighbourhood buddy of Kevin James' lead character, who ironically, was a New York Jets fan. Please keep this factoid to yourself, lest people think you watched that show for any reasons beyond Leah Remini's rear end.

Saturdays with Steve Durbano? The greatest combo since Hull and Oates

Cripes! It's as if someone unscrewed the top of my head and decided to take some of the disparate elements to make a movie. Noted hockey buff Kevin Smith is planning to adapt the late, great Warren Zevon's Hit Somebody! (The Hockey Song) for the big screen.

Notwithstanding that Mitch Albom stands to reap a windfall since he co-wrote the song with Zevon (David Letterman did the backup vocals on the album version), that's pretty awesome. It's also a minor miracle to get a melding of a great song with hockey, considering what you hear during stoppages in play at most arenas.

" 'The song's been one of my favorites since I heard it and I’ve always seen this whole movie behind,' Smith continued. 'I got in touch with Mitch because Warren Zevon has passed on and we started talking about it and he was into it and into what I was kind of pitching.'

"Smith is gunning to get the project going in 2010 or 2011, singling out the film from all his other projects as 'the one I really want to do in a big, bad way.' It will be set in the late 1970s within the World Hockey Association, before those teams were absorbed into the National Hockey League. 'It takes place during the last gasp of the goon era of hockey when it was all about fighting,' Smith said." — MTV Movie Blog

Smith, as you know, is a big New Jersey Devils fans and has always sprinkled hockey references into his movies. He also wrote a paean to all things puck for Time magazine and is planning a pilgrimmage to Brantford, Ontario next month to play in a road hockey tournament organized by Walter Gretzky, the most famous sports dad in recorded history.

Smith's hockey references include: Zack Brown, the titular character played by Seth Rogen in Zack and Miri Make A Porno, played for a beer-league team named the Monroeville Zombies. There was a road hockey scene in Smith's first film, Clerks, along with Brodie Bruce (Jason Lee) in Mallrats unpausing a Sega game when he was supposed to take a girlfriend to breakfast. (He promptly scores using the wraparound move that was near and dear to anyone who played a lot of hockey video games in the mid-1990s.)

Zevon, at least according to another dead personal hero, Hunter S. Thompson, got the inspiration to write You're A Whole Different Person When You're Scared while watching Patrick Roy shut out Smith's Devils in a Stanley Cup playoff game. There's irony.

The game was the most dominating display of big time hockey either of us had ever seen. The Avalanche humiliated the favored defending champion N.J. Devils.

Patrick Roy got his shutout and "could have beaten N.J. all by himself," Zevon boasted. "He made midgets of us all. I will never forget this game. Our song will be called 'You're a Whole Different Person When You're Afraid.' "

Which proved to be true, when we played it back on his new-age Hugo machine 40 hours later.

Anyway, that's something to brighten up a Friday. You'll excuse anyone who overdoes it on back-patting because he listened to a lot of Warren Zevon albums when he was alive and wasn't on a major label.

According to the above-linked article, Smith plans to film his hockey epic after he finishes his current project, A Couple of Dicks. Somehow, Chris Pronger is not starring in that one.



Related:
Kevin Smith Making Hockey Movie With Mitch Albom Based On Warren Zevon Song 'Hit Somebody' (MTV Movie Blog, via Total Film)

Demetri Martin is not selling jeans here...

Steven Soderbergh must be brilliant, if he's going to make head and tail out of his Moneyball adaptation.

FirstShowing.Net figures "Soderbergh will shoot Moneyball somewhat like Frost/Nixon ... where actual interviews are used so as to give it a documentary-like feel." Demetri Martin (near right photo), the comedian, is supposed to play present-day San Diego Padres executive Paul DePodesta (right photo).

"Martin will play Paul De Podesta, a Harvard grad who turned down Wall Street jobs to use his statistical skills to change baseball scouting tactics. His system, known as 'Earned Run Value,' allowed Beane to evaluate valuable players he could hire at low cost."

It sort of makes sense. Martin passed on law school to become a performer, so he can tap into that to get into character. Is that how it works for actors?

Meantime, those who read the New York magazine cover story on Martin a while ago. Perhaps he's cut out to be in Moneyball: "His career thus far has been marked by smart people identifying his talent yet never quite finding the right way to showcase it."

That kind of sounds like Erubiel Durazo's career, although he never told jokes like, "I bought a new dictionary the other day and the first thing I did was look up the word, 'Dictionary.' It said, 'You're an asshole.' "

(A favourite Martin line is, "There's a store in my neighbourhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.")

Related:
Demetri Martin Joins the Cast of Steven Soderbergh's Moneyball (Alex Billington, FirstShowing.Net)
Demetri Martin swings at 'Moneyball'; Comic to star opposite Brad Pitt in Soderbergh pic (Michael Fleming, Variety)

Ali Brunt Ba Yay...

FirstShowing.net has a neat find — the Apple trailer for an upcoming documentary called Facing Ali, directed by the apparently Vancouver-based Pete McCormack.

It is based on Stephen Brunt's book of the same name. Not to oversell it, but it looks pretty promising, with remastered fight footage and Glory Of Their Times-style interviews with 10 of Muhammad Ali's opponents, including the great Canadian heavyweight, George Chuvalo.

Brunt's book included interviews with 15 fighters, most of whom appear in the doc's trailer.

Anyway, sounds like McCormack has come up the with a winner:

"Three-time world heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali defeated almost every top fighter of the golden age of boxing and symbolized the sport for generations of fans. Now, ten of his acclaimed rivals pay tribute to perhaps the world’s most beloved and inspiring athlete in FACING ALI, a riveting documentary from director Pete McCormack (Uganda Rising) and producer Derik Murray (Legends of Hockey). From the moment he captured the gold at the 1960 Summer Olympics, the fighter who first came to prominence as Cassius Clay electrified the world and transformed the art of boxing. Articulate, handsome, charismatic and outspoken, he became an icon of the burgeoning civil rights movement and a hero to millions around the globe."

(No word of a lie, last night's late movie on A-Channel: Ali.

Brunt's next book, Gretzky's Tears: Hockey, Canada, and the Day Everything Changed, is due to be published Oct. 6 by Knopf Canada. It's actually going to be printed in the U.S. as Gretzky's Tears: Hockey, America, and the Day Everything Changed. Now that's smooth.

Related:
Must Watch: Fantastic Documentary Trailer for Facing Ali (Alex Billington, FirstShowing.net)

Batter up: Cleveland Indians

It's that mystical, wonderful time of year where you commit to a baseball team who you know fully well won't win. This season, in honour of an popular Internet meme, we'll present 25 things about each team. At bat: The Cleveland Indians.

1. Centrefielder Grady Sizemore once missed the start of the game after he caught a glimpse of himself in a reflective surface and was unable to look away. Slap a sawbuck down on Sizemore being AL MVP, Chief (or not). All he would have to do is put up something close to his 2008 numbers, except do it on a division winner so the right people notice.
   
   
2. The wormballer, Fausto Carmona, will probably bounce back. Righty Anthony Reyes, now that he's out St. Louis' bad books, might be able to turn his career around and give Cleveland a solid third or fourth starter.
   
   
3. Eric Wedge is one of MLB's youngest managers and one of its most old-school. His teams don't steal a lot of bases (the Mets' Jose Reyes had more base swipes than the entire Cleveland team, 78-77) and his starters go deep into games.
   
   
4. Cleveland's bullpen ERAs, from 2005 to '08, have been 2.80, 4.73, 3.92 and 5.07. They will either return to compentency, or try to shoot for a 6-something figure this season. Rafael Betancourt and Rafael Perez typically handle those seventh and eighth-inning situations.
   
   
5. The team on the field Opening Day, give or take super-prospect Matt LaPorta, is probably the one they'll have all season. The estimable Terry Pluto reported, "I sense ticket sales have not been brisk -- although Opening Day is a sellout. I doubt there will be much money available in the budget for a midseason pickup of a player who has a hefty contract.
   
   
6. Ohio is suffering its worst job losses in three generations. What happens if LeBron James leads the Cleveland Cavaliers on a long playoff run and then the Indians make the MLB post-season? You could see a lot of empty seats.
   
   
7. Cy Young Award-winning left-hander Cliff Lee finished spring training with a 12.46 ERA. C'est la vie for a flyball pitcher. Maybe it was the dry, dusty Arizona air (or not). His fake baseball ERA last spring was 5.68 and he turned out OK.
   


8. The AL Central winner will likely face the wild-card team in the Division Series. Consider yourself warned if Carl Pavano's surgically repaired wing holds up the entire season and the Yankees end up making the playoffs, because you'll hear all about that storyline.
   
   
9. Kerry Wood is now the closer. What are the odds of seeing him pitch in a World Series against his old Cubbies team?
   
   
10. Eric Wedge can win bar bets and impress his grandchildren by telling them he was one the home run leader on a team which had Jeff Bagwell. Yes, it only took five homers to lead the 1990 New Britain Red Sox.
    
    
11. Travis Hafner is probably not going to hit again like he did in 2007, let alone '06. He's a buyout waiting to happen.
    
    
12. Asdrubal Cabrera (yes, it was naive to think once that the Jays could somehow trade for him) and Jhonny Peralta are a not half-bad middle-infield combo at second base and shortstop. Both of them will probably rotate one spot to the right before long.
    
    
13. Fielding was not the Clevelanders' strongest suit last season, which might explain why they crashed to an 81-81 record. Sizemore won a Gold Glove more as a consolation prize than anything else.
    
    
14. One drama for the Indians is that Lee's personal catcher, Kelly Shoppach, presents a pretty good sell-high proposition. He's better than most teams' starter, but probably won't produce an .865 on-base-plus slugging again. Having two co-No. 1 catchers, the other being Victor Martinez (who moonlights at first base and DH), means Cleveland could jettison one of them and become a better team, at least on paper.
    
    
15. Cleveland has gone 45 years without a major pro sports championship (the nearby Ohio State football team doesn't count, since they're, technically amateur and their sport doesn't have a real championship). This fact gets run into the ground any time a Cleveland team is in the hunt for anything, so thankfully you only have to hear it in May with the Cavs and October with the Indians.
    
    
16. Corner outfield used to be a Cleveland strength since the days when they had Albert Belle and Manny Ramirez in the same outfield. They were so deep in the late '90s that they let Brian Giles go for very little.
    
    Wedge is a master of, well, wedging three or four players into the right and left-field jobs. Shin-Soo Choo probably offers the most after OPS-ing .946 last-season.
    
    
17. Josh Barfield (son of Jesse) has gone from being a potential 20-homer-a-year second baseman to being kept on the team as the "designated runner." Thing is, he's not that great a base stealer.
    
    
18. Sizemore's 33 homers and 38 steals last seson made him Cleveland's second-ever 30-30 man after Joe Carter in the '80s. Sizemore also actually knows how to draw a walk, too.
    
    
19. The power hitter positions are all pretty malleable over the next two seasons, save for Travis Hafner being owed $52 million through 2012. The Indians have a lot of good hitters coming through their system.
    
    
20. Their Double-A team in Akron might be more worth watching than the major-league club on some nights. Four genuine hitting prospects, lefty DH Beau Mills (former Expo Brad Mills' son), lefty outfielder Nick Weglarz, oversized shortstop Carlos Rivero and switch-hitting catcher Carlos Santana (chuckle once at the name and get it out of your system) will all be opening the season there.
    
    
21. Nick Weglarz is red-haired, left-handed and Canadian, which automatically makes him pretty awesome. The big takeaway from his '08 season is he cut his strikeout rate from one whiff every 4.1 times at bat to one per 5.8. The power numbers are not yet there (20 doubles, 10 dingy-dongs), so keep an eye on that at Double-A Akron.
    
    
22. Weglarz' extended family lost out a bit when the Indians moved their Triple-A affilation from Buffalo to Columbus, since he's from Stevensville, Ont., just across the border. The upshot is the Tribe's top two farm clubs are both in Ohio, so it's not too far a drive.
    
    
23. Utilityman Jamey Carroll had his No. 3 jersey retired by the Ottawa Lynx. His highest batting average in three part seasons with the late and lamented Triple-A team was .280, but his hustle forever endeared him to the now forlorn faithful (who have not given up fighting to bring pro ball back to the city in 2010).
    
    
24. Family Ties did a send-up of the Indians' poor attendance long before the Major League movies. In one episode, Jennifer Keaton called the Municipal Stadium box office to ask, "Do you have two tickets for tonight's game? (Long pause) You have 35,000?"
    
    Incidentally, everyone knows Michael Gross, who played the dad on that series, appears in How I Met Your Mother as the father of Ted Mosby, who's from Ohio and who is an Indians fan.
    
    Similarly, the guy who played Dauber on Coach, which was set in Minnesota, plays the factor of the Jason Segel character, Marshall Eriksen, who's from St. Cloud, Minnesota. That attention to detail is legendary.
    
    
25. It's a real shame some of Bob Uecker's best film work was wasted in Major League II.

    Back goes Cerrano. He's gonna need a rocket up his ass to catch this one. That one's out here. That looked like like the'terminator,' only slower. Maybe it was his 'out-of-stater.' Maybe it was the hibernator. That baby is definitely goin' away for the winter. Whatever, for Vaughn, it could be 'see ya later,' he's probably going to become a spectator.

    
    
    

Top 5: Getting in Tournament mode

The NCAA Tournament (always capitalized) tipped off in earnest. You're been up nights trying to figure out which 10 seed might make it to the Sweet Sixteen (Michigan, maybe Minnesota with Toronto's Devoe Joseph), strip-mined The Wages of Wins for pearls of wisdom, maybe said to hell with it and picked teams based on who has a funnier nickname, although none have anything on the one matchup in the women's NCAAs between South Dakota State (the Jackrabbits) and Texas Christian (the Horned Frogs).

You're wrong if you think this is all about knowing which team doesn't have an adequate backup centre if their best big man gets in early foul trouble, although that might help you fill out your bracket. March Madness is not an event. It's an attitude.

1. Re-read portions of Will Blythe's To Hate Like This Is To Be Happy Forever: A Thoroughly Obsessive, Intermittently Uplifting, and Occasionally Unbiased Account of the Duke-North Carolina Basketball Rivalry.
   
   Granted, Blythe probably went a little far trying to claim that there's no internecine hatred like Duke-Carolina internecine hatred. However, it's brilliant and it gets to the heart of why people follow sports, to rationalize irrational loathing.
   
   Duke has never done you any wrong, yet you hate them and hate yourself for picking them to reach the Elite Eight. You might not watch NCAA Division 1 hoops all season (especially since the 35-second shot clock makes for a slower-paced game to Canadian eyes which have got used to the 24-second shot clock in the CIS), but when you see Duke, you're seeing the whole bile-pushing line of succession, from J.J. Redick back to Wojo to Bobby Hurley and Christian Laettner. Who's playing for them now doesn't seem to matter much.
   
   
2. Re-read Chuck Klosterman's essay "33" (anthologized in Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs). It's about the 1980s Celtics-Lakers rivalry, but it gets to the core of basketball. Relating to the sport comes down to black-and-white philosophies. You need your absolutes (do you favour a team with great bigs, or one with savvy senior guards) if you're going to be able to fill out your bracket by noon ET tomorrow.
   

   QUESTION #8: Should capital punishment be legal?
   Laker People say no, as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a human rights activist who would question the validity of any practice that essentially replicates the original crime. Celtic People say yes, because anybody who's looked into Larry Bird's eyes knows he's a killer.

   This might embarrass both the person it's about and the person who said it, but a friend said that he knew the Carleton had it in the bag at the CIS Final 8 when he saw that one of the more important Ravens had noticeably deep-set eyes. He went on to explain that men have deeper-set eyes than women due to the warrior culture, when people fought with swords. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, this would mean Carleton's path to this national title started back in 1066 on some battlefield in England.
   
   
3. Go on YouTube and watch as many One Shining Moments as you can. You will cry. It's OK to cry.
   
4. Watch Hoosiers. It's a CRTC and FCC mandate that some cable channel must being airing it late at night on the eve of the Thursday first-round games. It was Reagan-era schmaltz, but it was good schmaltz.
   
5. Stay up half the night preparing arguments for why the Canadian university champion should get a NCAA bid (or saying, hey, our tournament is good enough). More than one Canadian hoops devotee has said it would be great if the CIS champs could be given a spot in the NCAAs, not as one of the no-hope 16 seeds, but maybe as a 12 seed against a team such as Utah, seeded fifth in the Midwest Regional.
   
   Imagine the interest if some wild Canadian horde were allowed inside the velvet rope. Imagine the pressure on the U.S. coaches and players to maintain the NCAA's superiority.
   

Do all that, and you'll be ready.

(Classic To Hate Like This Is To Be Happy Forever moment on the phone with my mom earlier this week: "Did you see the Jets beat out the Raiders?" she said, referring to two area Junior C hockey teams, the Amherstview Jets and Napanee Raiders. Neither of us have ever attended a game, so taking glee in the Raiders' dust-biting might seem like bad form.

However, it made sense. The Sagers are Ernestown people, not Napanee people, no matter what our mailing address says. As kids, we played our minor hockey and ball for Ernestown Township, since it was closer to house and most of all, not Napanee, which tended to take youth sports a little too seriously. All five of us attended Ernestown Secondary School and played various sports, although it was good that my brother got to play a little football for the Napanee Golden Hawks. The lines are clearly delineated.)

The Carney Consequence: The heck do ya mean?

Now you know the rest of the story about why you give less and less a flying fadoo about the Academy Awards (Slumdog Millionaire's big night notwithstanding).

It's The Carney Consequence. Commit the phrase to memory.

Just as popular music has been on the wane since 1974, the year of the first Bad Company release (Mark McKinney said it once in a Kids In The Hall sketch, ergo it is true), so too have the Oscars ever since Norton from The Honeymooners beat out Dustin Hoffman, Jack Nicholson and Albert Finney.

Cripes, for someone who wasn't alive in 1974, it's mind-blowing enough to find out that the actor who played Ed Norton has won an Oscar, unlike the actor named Ed Norton (two nominations in the late '90s, but no dice). Full credit goes to a Gelf Magazine writer named Joe Horton for pinpointing the exact moment, April 2, 1974:

"As the winner is announced — back when presenters said 'and the winner is…' before that was deemed too emotionally damaging for insecure actors to hear that they were losers and was changed to 'and the Oscar goes to…' — an audible gasp runs through the Chandler crowd when Carney's name is called and he literally jumps and skips up to the stage to accept his prize. At this moment, Carney becomes the first link of an irrevocable chain of events that will forever influence the Academy Awards.

The other men in this category would go on to collect 33 nominations and seven wins. Hoffman and Nicholson would become two of the eight male actors to ever win two Best Actor statuettes. But in 1974, the playing field was level — none of these acting luminaries had yet tasted Oscar gold — and after Carney scored the stunning upset in his only nomination, the Academy was forced to play catch-up.

Small wonder that 35 years later, it seems like you could not even have a telecast, since everyone can armchair-quarterback and ballpark-figure who's going to win, even if they haven't seen many of the movies. Last night, Penélope Cruz, who wait for it, was born in 1974, seemed like a good example: She's glamourous, she hasn't won yet, so why not her?

(Frankly, it would have been good karma if it had gone to Marisa Tomei for The Wrestler, considering the urban legend that Jack Palance read the wrong name in 1993. However, please keep in mind an actress can only win for a role that involves nudity if she is European or a person of a colour, because otherwise it's just titillation.)

Anyway, the Carney Consquence brings it all home, along with Jamie Lee Curtis' searing denunciation of the whole exercise. Horton notes it is pretty much foreordained that Robert Downey Jr. will win one of those handsome statues sooner rather than later, probably sooner thanMickey Rourke ("a pretty decent, albeit mildly f---ed-up guy," at least according to Deus Ex Malcontent, who crossed his path once upon a time).

Meantime, now that we've been brought to speed, this does bode well for Ed Norton and William H. Macy one of these years. Both were up for Best Supporting Actor in 1997 (Norton for Primal Fear, Macy for Fargo) when Cuba Gooding Jr. won for Jerry Maguire, a fact which has the air of you had to be there, but should be glad if you weren't. Remember, that movie made Renée Zellweger bankable, and she eventually got an Oscar (thank you, Tao), just because, well, you know.

You should all find Joe Horton and thank him for giving us a chilling vision of things to come.

(Incidentally, if time travel is invented, Kinger and myself will be travelling back to 1974.

Sagsy: "Now I know what a TV dinner feels like."
Kinger: "What?"
Sagsy: "It's a line from Die Hard. Hasn't been written yet. We could write it, Tyler. We could write it.")

Related:
The Carney Consequence; A poor Oscar choice for Best Actor in 1974 set in motion a ripple effect of makeup awards by the Academy that is still being felt today (Joe Horton, Gelf Magazine; via JonahKeri.com
A Fish Called Denial (Jamie Lee Curtis, Huffington Post, Feb. 21)

Tell them this idea sucks; let 'em know you're there

It's not news, exactly, but now that the Slap Shot remake has a director, it's best to record any objections.

In terms of bad ideas, this is somewhere in between Greedo shooting first and the Ottawa Senators giving their three biggest contracts to three forwards. It is a "cherry on the sundae of suck" (/Film, August 2008) that Hollywood is so hard up for ideas that it just it's going to bowdlerize a sports movie that came from a specific time and place, the 1970s.

Granted, that was a period when America was down on its luck, which sounds somewhat germane to the times we're now living in. Honestly, though, the real fear is that all the other sports movies classics from the 1970s are going bowdlerized, bastardized and sanitized, which will be a shame. There was the Adam Sandler version of The Longest Yard; the Billy Bob Thornton-helmed Bad News Bears.

Bang The Drum Slowly and North Dallas Forty have to be in development. God. At least the hack who's rewriting Slap Shot, Peter Steinfeld, knows what he's up against:

“Right now I'm finishing writing the re-make of the iconic hockey movie Slap Shot for Universal. I’ve never had so many people hate me for writing something they haven’t seen yet. (Emphasis mine.) It’s such a classic film and fans of the original feel like I’m grave-robbing or something. But I think the movie will be really fun and will capture what it’s like to play minor league hockey in 2008. We haven’t set cast yet..."

Uh, Pete? They have seen it, and they don't care to have it revised by someone whos words such as "iconic" like it might win him an Amana gas range.

Related:
Slap Shot remake gets a director; Galaxy Quest’s Dean Parisot will tackle the job (Total Film)
Parisot skates to 'Slap Shot' remake; Universal sets director for update (Variety)

Top 5: Capturing the spirit of the thing

The alma mater's men's hockey team is holding Slap Shot Night tonight, for their home game vs. the Ryerson Rams at the Kingston Memorial Centre.

Since there's never not a time to quote Slap Shot, here's a Top 5 of film clips, to put a smile on your face this final Friday in Februrary.

"You go to the box, you know, two minutes by yourself and you feel shame, you know ... and then you get free."



"I know a good bar here, the Palm Isle ..."



"Reg, that reminds me ... "



"Dave's a killer!" ... "Dave's a mess!"



"Bleed all over 'em. ... let 'em know you're there."



Elsewhere, the Kingston Frontenacs are in action tonight against John Tavares and the London Knights, 7:30 at the Kingston Ratepayer Centre. Good seats are still available.

'Laugh and wince' -- sounds perfect

The film geek sites have mentioned this already, but it's new to us: The film Big Fan premieres at Sundance. It might not be a sports movie per se, but it's directed by Robert Siegel, who wrote The Wrestler, and it stars Patton Oswalt of Lewis Black's The Root Of All Evil fame.

"Oswalt, one of our favorite comedians, stars as a hardcore New York Giants fan who runs into the team's star quarterback at a strip club, whereupon misunderstandings and violence ensue. The film was written and directed by Robert Siegel, a former Onion writer who also penned one of 2008's best films, The Wrestler. The Sundance blurb says the film 'will make you laugh and wince at the same time,' which is one of our favorite things to do." -- Film.com

A sports movie doesn't have to be about athletes. Game 6, which came out about three years ago, was a perfect example. Please say this will be coming to the Toronto International Film Festival.

Related:
Sundance 2009 - Six Movies to Look For;
A Patton Oswalt vehicle, a David Foster Wallace adaptation and a new teen sex romp from the director of Superbad (Film.com)

Top 5: Scoreboard confessional; sports movies not to be given as gifts

Rogers Sportsnet's Ian Mendes has been known to write something in hope some rube would take the bait.

When Mendes says he's never seen Slap Shot, you don't go on the attack. This might seem like some sports nut equivalent to admitting you did not care for The Godfather, but Mendes is on to something and it's only right to try to capture the spirit of the thing.

Perhaps this could even work as a gift-buying guide -- five so-called sport movie classics that you should not buy on DVD or Blu-Ray for anyone, under any circumstances. Every time a media outlet such as Entertainment Weekly puts together a list of best sports movies, they pop up like distant relatives at Christmastime, but they are not worth seeing any more than 10-15 times.

A nice piece of popular schlock such as Major League, or Remember The Titans, cannot be on this list. Their shortcomings are more obvious, and it would be hypocritical to list them. Whenever one of those movies comes on AMC or City TV at 1 a.m. in the morning, I'm there, even the latter doesn't hold a candle to Varsity Blues. There's a difference between overrated and being both overrated and bad.

All five of these are ranked in Randy Williams' excellent book Sports Cinema. Rankings are in parentheses.

FIELD OF DREAMS (24)

Baseball lets us to indulge our inner pretentious poet (guilty as charged), but Field of Dreams takes it too far. W.P. Kinsella's novel, the source material, was a wonderful piece of fluff, but the film adaptation basically imparts that any obstacle can be overcome with a bunch of easy cliches and that Boomers know what's best for everyone, just ask them. The scene where Annie (Amy Madigan) silences a bunch of townfolk at a meeting is a dead giveaway of the latter; she does it way too easily, because anyone from a small town is obviously too stupid to come up with a counter-argument.

What else? How about depicting Shoeless Joe Jackson as a lefty-throwing, righty-hitting ballplayer? How about the fact that none of the dead baseball greats mentioned in the movie include Josh Gibson or any of the Negro Leagues stars who were denied a chance to play in the maors? Besides, the Black Sox story was told much better in Eight Men Out, which came out one year earlier, and you can't have too many Kevin Costner movies in your library. Someone's going to miss the cut after you squeeze in JFK, The Untouchables, Bull Durham and Tin Cup.

CINDERELLA MAN (53) / SEABISCUIT (23)

They might as well be listed together, since (a) they're both Great Depression movies that came from the same studio (Universal), about a year apart; (b) they couldn't possibly be worse than Field of Dreams and (c) their stars of each movie are actors whose signature performances came in other movies.

Thankfully, the second count relieves you of any any obligation to see either film, which means I am off the hook. Russell Crowe? Gladiator or Master & Commander. Tobey Maguire? Wonder Boys, Pleasantville. Jeff Bridges? The Big Lebowski, Fat City. Elizabeth Banks? Zack & Miri Make A Porno. Scratch these both off your to-see list.

BAD NEWS BEARS (57)

This classic, so-called, came out during Hollywood's second golden age, the 1970s. What's your point? Anyone not enough to remember those days is allowed to invoke the "I wasn't there" clause, although all bets are off if a more recent movie set in the '70s is on TV.

The movie revolves around a Little League team with a female pitcher and players of mixed racial backgrounds. That might have been grist for some sharp social commentary in the mid-1970s, but to anyone born after Bad New Bears came out, it just seemed dated, especially if you grew up playing boys hockey and always having at least one girl on your team, and having friends of mixed races. Not only that, but in modern eyes, Walter Matthau's character drinking beer in front of his young players isn't funny. It's child abuse, and it reminds us that political correctness isn't all bad.

Stick this back in the time capsule.

JERRY MAGUIRE (45)

The movie that sent the American male -- thankfully not the Canadian one, us and our demons are just fine -- into a downward spiral that's now at a dozen years and counting.

It all started with Jerry Maguire. Somehow, the average guy got duped into liking -- and quoting ad nauseam -- a movie where the hero dumps Kelly Preston for a single mother played by the actress who later played Bridget Jones. Not only that, but he jilted Kelly Preston with red hair, at a time when comedy chedderheads were in -- Julianne Moore, Heather Graham, Lauren Holly.

Brutal. It's clear now that what happened. Someone put a bug in Cameron Crowe's ear and told him he had to make an even-up call after getting carried away with the male fantasy in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and in Say Anything. Thank god for Almost Famous.

Honestly, the only funny part is when the kid in the airport stops Rod Tidwell/Cuba Gooding Jr. (who never did anything worthwhile after this) in the airport and asks, "Are you Hootie?" It was the mid- to late '90s.You had to be there.

HOOSIERS (20)

EW picked it as the best sports movie of all time, but come on. Bill Simmons no doubt covered this off years ago, but the subplot with Dennis Hopper as the alcoholic assistant coach is tacked on. Gene Hackman's propensity for being a one-note actor is omnipresent. The killjoy female character (played by Barbara Hershey, who was probably right when she refused to do any publicity for the movie) is a sexist stereotype. It works, all right, and you'll get the chill bumps when the Hickory Huskers knock off South Bend Central, but it's a paint-by-numbers movie that's saved by its uplifting musical score and cinematography.

It has its authentic moments, all right, especially coach Norman Dale's line that, "My practices aren't for your enjoyment." Some time this winter, a few weeks before March Madness, it will be on and you will watch and you'll hate yourself.

Anyway, you have been warned, and here's hoping you don't end up with one of these as a holiday gift.

Previous:
Sports movies to share with the girlfriend (July 2006)

Charlie's headset was broken, clearly...

On Saturday, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish lost to a bad, bad Syracuse team which has already fired its coach, Greg Robinson.

So what movie was playing on the Canadian version of The History Channel today? Rudy. Apparently, historically minded types are in fear our generation might might forget Notre Dame once had a good football team.

(This line actually came to mind in the office yesterday, when Charlie Weis' Golden Domers' were up by six over the Orange early in the fourth quarter and there was an Irish fan in the office. Then a sober second thought kicked in -- "nah, it'll never happen!")

Related:

Is Weis done at Notre Dame? (SI Truth & Rumors)

The Worst Football Coach in the Universe (Jonathan Chait, Slate, Oct. 25, 2007)

Snark break ...

As you were getting ready for that big dance number ...

First things first: Of all the stories about the people who fought and served for Canada, here's a great one about the World War II pilot who was saved by a hockey jersey.

Second of all, just by a little: Our own Duane Rollins, friend, author, man for all seasons, has a birthday today. He has repaired our losses, healed some soccerophobes and brought a whole new dimension to this site. The six months have passed by very quickly because he makes doing this so damn enjoyable. He is No. 1 in the Top 27.

And just to make everyone feel older, a remake of The Karate Kid, starring Will Smith's 10-year-old son is in the works.

Mike Singletary might have been the opposing middle linebacker the last time the San Francisco 49ers converted in a short-yardage situation. A team with Mike Martz on its staff could screw it up after being three yards from a winning touchdown with 45 seconds left? You don't say.

A moratorium on Detroit Lions jokes should be in effect. It is officially spoof-proof when it's got to the point that Motor City newspapers are trying to get people riled up over what some guy in Iowa thinks.

You are already late to the Navy will beat Notre Dame bandwagon, but there is still room.

There is a sneaking suspicion that Michael Bishop will be back in Argoland. He has not been recycled enough.

The Cincinnati Reds pitcher Edinson Volquez is so good that he finished fourth in rookie year of the balloting even though he's not a rookie.

There is no sympathy for the fans of the old Dallas TV show feeling ripped off after attending a cast reunion. This was the same TV series where an entire season turned out to be a dream.

Ian Mendes has the Worst 10 Sports Commercials in Canadian history. OK, so Roberto Alomar is Puerto Rican, not Dominican, but that should can be overlooked, because Mendes noted, long before Ichiro put his first name on the back of his jersey, Canadians had Albert:



There's a commercial running in Canada that shows Wayne Gretzky and Maurice Richard teaming up as linemates. It's an absolute affront to hockey history -- it shows Gretzky winning a faceoff.

The preceding is of dubious worth, but this is worth noting

• Mike Winters of Covered In Oil fame is now over at the Battle of Alberta, a cadre of Edmonton Oilers fanatics who are consolidating their power.

Fronts: Out shooting the Bull, while Belleville wins 7-0 while getting outshot

Alternate title: "Who h'own da Fronts? Don't remind me."

It's said that you learn to say hello when you should be saying goodbye. In the spirit of that, one should welcome this new side that Frontenacs GM-for-life Larry Mavety has shown this week.

Mr. Mavety -- Royal Mavesty jokes are out after a 7-0 loss in Belleville tonight -- has turned storyteller. Seriously, he's been more open and accommodating than the low slot in front of the Fronts' net during a penalty kill. In the past few days, Mavety has regaled us with stories of his work as an extra in Slap Shot. He told The Canadian Press about his days with the Toronto Toros in the crazy, shaggy days of the World Hockey Association.

Mav even showed his flair for light comedy during the leadup to tonight's game. He joked ith the Bellevegan broadsheet about whether the game could be postponed since the Bulls scored a pile goals during their first two Wednesday night home fixtures. Only one of those games was against the Frontenacs, making the feat even more impressive.

Ours is not to question why. It is not all that odd why he would be doing so much reminiscing, seeing as some say his style of hockey dates from the period when the the Little River Band last had songs on the charts.

Enjoy it for what it is, OK? It is refreshing to see Mavety is not the crusty, cards-close-to-his-chest hockey guy who keeps it "in the room," as they say. Please don't jump to the conclusion, as as Jerry did on Seinfeld when his dentist converted to Judiasm, that Fronts owner Doug Springer might be keeping Mavety on "for the jokes."

No one wants to be branded as a rabid anti-Mavite. It's all on the up-and-up. It would take a real rat bastard to twist his line bout his WHA days – "You knew by crowds and everything else the Leafs were the team of choice, which is rightly so anyway" – and say that on a Kingston-sized scale, it's pretty much the situation these days with the Queen's Golden Gaels football team vis-à-vis the Frontenacs.

One should hope it doesn't get into Grampa Simpson country, this spinning of stories that don't go anywhere, not unlike like the Frontenacs power play. Now, someone please give Mavety five bees for a quarter, so he can call another GM and swing a trade for a forward who is not allergic to going in the corners. The only talk of "bangers" tonight was due to the fact a British pub is a major sponsor of the Fronts radio broadcasts.

The Fronts outshot them, you say? Go tell it to the Bulls out back who are celebrating getting an easy two points on a night despite missing their No. 1 defenceman, P.K. Subban.

Don't get mad. We're just trying to capture the spirit of the thing.

Related:
Don’t bother asking Mavety where he appears in Slap Shot (Oshawa Express)

Friday afternoon, at the movies

Brad Pitt, as you probably heard, is going to star in the adaptation of one of the great books of Western Civilization -- Moneyball.

Oh, and he's also starring in an adaptation of some book called The Odyssey. That book is pretty good too, despite having only one Homer.

The crazy part is that it's still seems more scalable than the plans for a Don Cherry biopic. Also, not that anyone asked, but of the four Michael Lewis books that sit on my shelf, Moneyball seems like it would be the toughest to adapt into a film script when compared to Liar's Poker, The New New Thing and The Blind Side. The latter would be the role of a lifetime -- what actor could physically carry off the role of 6-foot-5, 350-lb. Michael Oher and actually be able to act too?

All Your Base Are Belong To Rios suggests John Turturro for the minor role of J.P. Ricciardi. Would J.P. then reprise his role as "Fan At The Bar" from Fever Pitch?

Related:
Brad Pitt's Double Bill: The Odyssey and Moneyball (FirstShowing.net; via Walkoff Walk)

Snark break ...

The AHL's Syracuse Crunch is paying tribute to Paul Newman by raising Reggie Dunlop's No. 7 to the rafters at the Syracuse War Memorial, where part of Slap Shot was filmed. Any chance they will invite the actor who played Tim McCracken, the head coach and chief punk on that Syracuse team?

You are forgiven for thinking the A on Chris Pronger's sweater stands for something other than "alternate captain." Everyone had that same thought.

There's still a desire to see The Express, but evidently the film depicts West Virginia fans heaping racial abuse on Ernie Davis in 1959, even though Syracuse didn't play them that season. (Why pick on people from West Virginia, Hollywood? Because you can.)

More great headlines that can never be written: "Carpentier getting the f--k out of Dodge."

Patrick Carpentier will probably be fine, so please don't joke that he'll end up in the NASCAR Canadian Tire Series, which is a lateral move from driving a tour bus. By the way, is it true the drivers' purses on that circuit are paid out in Canadian Tire money?

(A Francophone driver in NASCAR? That should have been the premise for a summer comedy.)

Thank god that Ottawa teen hockey phenom Ryan Spooner was drafted by the Peterborough Petes instead of the Kingston Frontenacs, who chose one pick earlier. If he'd gone to the Fronts, there would be no NHL superstars to compare him with.

(Erik Gudbranson will be the first. Pinky swear it.)

Yes, not-so-presidential John McCain did refer to Senator Barack Obama as "that one" during the presidential debate.

Time for a game of, "Who is this?" Two years ago, you couldn't turn on a TV without seeing his face or hearing his nails-on-a-chalkboard croooning. Last week, he put out a press release touting his triumphant return to "singing and raising money for breast cancer research," but no serious news outlet paid any attention.

Not that anyone asked, but: It's quite simple why this site has never made a Jägerbombs/Sagerbombs joke. No one wants to be associated with a drink favoured by bitchy bachelorette parties, moronic millennials, fauxhawked fancyboys, overstressed and undersexed office workers and myriad others who have to be seen having a good time.

Shame on anyone for making a joke that panders to those types. A man worthwhile is good with Jack and coke. If it's consumed alone, even better.

On the plus side, the Jäger/Sager connection might put an end to the pain of being of a Sager and forever hearing your last name pronounced Seger. That hasn't been cool since 1978.



This post is worth nothing, but this is worth noting:

• Michael Lewis of Moneyball and The Blind Side fame (and other books which were also not really about sports) is going to be writing for Vanity Fair.
• Do yourself a favour. Buy Chuck Klosterman's Downtown Owl. It's the first book I've read in a long while where I only laughed a half-hour straight after getting to the end.
• Please add Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician to your Google Reader, even if you don't follow the Syracuse Orange teams. This might be the greatest bad roommate story ever told.
• Ottawa's Tyler Holmes, who is starting at left tackle for the Tulsa Golden Hurricane as a freshman, could end up playing in the Liberty Bowl.