SO THE GIRLFRIEND has called, suggesting the two of you stay in and "watch a DVD."
Since we all know what "staying in to watch a DVD" means in Girl Code, you agree. Of course, maybe you think suffering through Just My Luck -- again! -- is a small price to pay for the you-know-what, but you must be stronger than that.
It's tricky, but you can get her to watch a movie for dudes -- specifically, a sports movie -- and better yet, let her believe she still has the upper hand in the relationship. Believe or not, some sports movies are actually girl-friendly (GF). This rating really should be put on the DVD cases, but until then, here’s a reference guide to let you know what you can get away with, and what you should steer clear of if you have any intention of having sex between now and the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Olympics.
You are entitled to watch a movie for dudes once without She Who Must Be Obeyed quietly sitting there putting out the vibe that she’s just politely tolerating your lack of taste.
You're a man, damn it, and your friends still haven't let you live down the time you confessed that you didn't really mind A Walk to Remember. They still ask you things like, "Pee standing up lately?" and collapse into giggles.
Basic rules: You need a movie that’s going to have a bit of character development, a charismatic male lead, a little pathos, and last but not least, a movie keeps the sports stuff simple. Pretty much anything that groups of male high school jocks would have gone together to see -- think Coach Carter or the Adam Sandler version of The Longest Yard -- is definitely out.
So in the words of Abe Simpson, Here you go, you ingrate. Think of me when you’re having the best sex of your life.
FEVER PITCH (2005)What it's about: Turning generations of Boston Red Sox fans' frustration into a plot device for a cutesy-poo Drew Barrymore vehicle and also shamelessly ripping off an English book and movie about soccer. Talk about a double play!
Thumbs: UP. The baseball stuff is downplayed enough and by the end, you get to fight back tears and show her you’re not afraid to emote. And yes, you will cry, even if you hate the Boston Red Sox with the white-hot intensity of a 100 suns. (Sorry, the 1,000 suns treatment is saved for the Yankees.)
MR. 3000 (2004)What it's about: Bernie Mac plays a glory-hog ballplayer who has to come out of retirement when it’s discovered he only has 2,997 career hits; hilarity ensues.
Thumbs: UP. Bernie Mac will win both of you over. It also has a love story plot with the always underappreciated Angela Bassett, whose buff physique in this movie might inspire your girlfriend to spend even more time at the gym, freeing up more time for you to play Madden 07 and drink Coke Zero straight from the 2-litre bottle. It's win-win.
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (2004)What it’s about: Turning Buzz Bissinger’s book of the same name -- a balanced look at rural America's almost frightening passion for high school football -- into some kind of Red State porn. Coincidentally, it was released right before the last U.S. election.
Thumbs: Paraphrasing something Dave Chappelle said in his Rick James parody, "I wish I had more hands, so I could give this FOUR THUMBS DOWN."
ROCKY (1975)What it's about: A classic underdog story that lifted America's spirit after Vietnam and Watergate; also, as Spike Lee has noted, it gives the public a white heavyweight boxing champion the only way possible -- on film.
Thumbs: UP. Who doesn't love Rocky? That's why audiences kept coming back for three sequels, even if Sly Stallone didn't know when to stop. Warning: Guard against repeat watching.
FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME (1999)What it's about: Giving filmmakers the world over a cautionary tale what can happen when you want to make a RomCom and a baseball buddy comedy, but try to do both.
Thumbs: UP. But only if you're trying to send a message that the relationship is over. Anything Kevin Costner’s made since 1995 serves this purpose rather admirably.
ANY RANDOM FOOTBALL FLICK
Thumbs: DOWN. Football movies should be avoided, mostly on grounds of taste alone. Case in point: The Replacements. They really haven't made enough movies that glorify scab labour and try to pass Jon Favreau off as a tough guy.
ANY ADAM SANDLER SPORTS FLICKWhat they're about: It's an Adam Sandler movie, that predates the "serious" Adam Sandler. Do you need an explanation?
Thumbs: DOWN. Sandler has trotted out his dumbed-down, passive-aggressive persona in three sports movies, Happy Gilmore, The Waterboy and The Longest Yard remake). Here's what you do: Pick up the DVD box of any of these at the video store and use it as a foot-in-the-door technique -- "I'd really like to see an Adam Sandler movie, babe" -- and let her think she talked you into watching Punch Drunk Love or Spanglais.
THE NATURAL (1984)What it's about: On one level, the premise that mythic excess is art (hat tip to Thomas Boswell). On another level, it made half the players on my 1985 Bath, Ont., Royal Canadian Legion 623 grasshopper boys softball team turn into strikeout kings because they thought they could hit a ball into the lights. (For the record, yours truly was content to collect his bases on balls and hit the occasional double -- a Moneyball player 20 years ahead of his time.)
Thumbs: UP. Sure, it's overdone, but it has Robert Redford and it is romantic, both about baseball and life in general. Women love overdone. Does Titanic ring any bells?
RUDY (1993)What it's about: A simple fable about never giving up your dream, no matter how much the odds are stacked against you. Somehow, humanity made it to 1993 without ever hearing this lesson.
Thumbs: UP. It's a charming yarn about a dreamer who overcomes all the naysayers, and you can ply your girlfriend by telling her she can get a look at a young Vince Vaughn in a minor role. Then you can show how comfortable you are by saying how much you enjoy watching Vince Vaughn, even though he is good-looking and tapping all sorts of mad ass on- and off-screen.
HOOSIERS (1986)What it's about: Helping you get stoked for the NCAA basketball tournament every March; giving lazy sports columnists an obvious pop-culture reference when they write about this year's Cinderella college basketball team.
Thumbs: DOWN. The dead giveaway this is a total guy movie is that has a sports movie staple, the killjoy female character; Barbara Hershey's character could be the prototype.
THE ROCKET (2005)What it's about: Biopic of Maurice Richard that tells Quebecers why it’s mandatory for them to get all weepy about his hockey career, even if you were born 20 years after he retired.
THUMBS: UP, since the movie is much about Richard’s efforts to be a good husband and a good hockey player. Also makes you feel a little good about yourself for having watched a Canadian-produced movie other than National Lampoon's Going The Distance, and it evokes an era where men were expected to wear really snappy fedoras. Must have been a balding guy's paradise.
EVERYBODY'S ALL-AMERICAN (1988)What it's about: Jessica Lange vehicle about a woman aging gracefully on her long road to self-actualization, but gets slugged as a "sports movie" since her character is married to a football hero (Dennis Quaid), and her life is dictated by what happens to him.
Thumbs: UP. This isn't really a football movie, but the fact that it's more likely to be aired on Showcase Diva than Spike TV should tell you it's girlfriend-friendly. Haven't seen in its entirety but it was suggested by Greg Hughes, who had the idea for this post in the first place.
SLAP SHOT (1977)What it's about: A look at the cartoon-violent world of hockey in the '70s that wasn't far off from the truth.
Thumbs: DOWN. One of the three greatest sports movies of all time, and endlessly quotable, but contemporary women won’t get the humour mined from the physical violence. The near-endless stream of profanity is probably also a turn-off, even if does capture the spirit of the thing.
ALI (1999)What it's about: Trying to get Will Smith an Oscar nomination, mostly, while conveying to a younger generation why you’re required to be fascinated about Muhummad Ali.
Thumbs: UP. It’s a nuanced portrayal of Ali, plus you can point out Jamie Foxx’s fine supporting work and look all smart and shit.
BULL DURHAM (1988)What it's about: To borrow a line someone else may have said already, it has everything about America’s national pastime -- and there’s a little baseball, too.
Thumbs: UP. Anyone could taken a bittersweet look at baseball’s low minor leagues, but without Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon, left in photo), the movie doesn’t work; it’s a little like the The 40-Year-Old Virgin in that it succeeds by morphing into a chick flick once you get past The Funny. It will also gets the message across that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap.
ANY GIVEN SUNDAY (1999)What it's about: Seeing which character connected with the fictional Miami Sharks can scream the loudest, basically.
Thumbs: DOWN. Refer back to what I said about movies that groups of high school jocks went to see in the theatre. This is especially bad, because a cast that has Al Pacino, Cameron Diaz, Matthew Modine, Jamie Foxx and Dennis Quaid manages not to have a single character that you root for.
FIELD OF DREAMS (1989)What it's about: An Iowa farmer facing financial ruin... it could have been a Grapes of Wrath for the late '80s, but then he starts playing baseball with dead people. As Corporate America's apologia to the heartland what it did to farmers during the Reagan Decade, it almost works.
Thumbs: UP. Granted, it’s Boomer bathos, syrupy as all get out and the plot has more holes than the Kansas City Royals infield, but women will get the whole deal about every man's longing and yearning to reconnect with his father.
MAJOR LEAGUE (1989)What it's about: Seeing how many sports-movie clichés can be jammed into a single script, and getting you to watch it for the 23rd time as a late-night offering on TBS.
Thumbs: DOWN. This is a movie where Tom Berenger hooks up with Rene Russo. Enough said.
WITHOUT LIMITS (1999)What it's about: Biopic of one of sports' great rebels, Steve Prefontaine, who died way too young.
Thumbs: UP. The sports matter is easy to relate to, it stars Billy Crudup before he was "the guitarist with mystique" in Almost Famous, and there’s a doomed romance plot involving Monica Potter, who’s got that generic-pretty thing that women typically identify with happening. Make sure you don't get this mixed up with the other Prefontaine biopic starring Jared Leto and the guy who played the drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket.
EIGHT MEN OUT (1988)What it's about: A look at the 1919 Black Sox scandal.
Thumbs: UP. Yes, it’s movie about baseball events in which all of the real-life protagonists are long dead, but it really gets into the motivations that the Chicago White Sox players had. It also has the Cusack Factor, and that alone seals the deal for female movie-watchers.
TIN CUP (1996)What it's about: Golf. Ugh.
Thumbs: DOWN. As a general rule, steer clear of golf movies. If you’ve been in the relationship for a year, you’re still not cleared to bring Caddyshack out of hiding. It’s going to take two years and seven months, at least.
THE LONGEST YARD (1974)What it's about: Burt Reynolds quarterbacks a team of prisoners against a team of prison guards. There's a point in there about the cold banality of mainstream society and how power corrupts, a popular theme in mid-'70s movies.
Thumbs: DOWN. It was great back in the day, but the message is lost on today’s audiences, plus for today’s woman, there’s a huge dirty-old-man ick factor with all things Burt Reynolds, which will make this seem like Smokey and the Bandit Play Football.
VARSITY BLUES (1999)What it's about: Taking the script from All The Right Moves and updating it for a new generation of teens who'd never heard of the earlier movie, setting it in Texas and trying to push the dubious concept of James Van Der Beek as a male lead, while also pushing a soundtrack that contained late '90s groups such as Fastball. Despite all that, it is great late-night cable viewing.
Thumbs: DOWN, even though it has The Beek and Paul Walker. Three words: whipped cream bikini.
Put it down, swallow your pride and good taste and try to sell She Who Must Be Obeyed on Remember the Titans. Yes, Varsity Blues is the more honest film and the other end-of-the-century high school football flick is just by-the-numbers Bruckheimerian bombast masquerading as a "message movie," but it does have Denzel Washington and Kip Pardue.
So what if on some night in the not-too-distant future, she'll be imagining herself with Kip or Denzel? You got to watch a movie with sports in it without being banished to the couch. Does it really matter? Really?
You know the answer.
Previous Blog Blasts Past:
Garth Snow This To Your Friends (Sept. 13), The One and Only Warren Zevon (Sept. 7), TV Clowns (Aug. 3), Damn Vikings (July 17), Me 'N' Adnan V. (June 26)
That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.
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