Confirmation that what you're with isn't 'it' ...

Talk about a clear signal one has passed to the other side of the generation gap.

A purpose of going to the NHL Scouting Combine this past weekend, in the capacity of Buzzing The Net, was to bank a few Q-and-As with some of Canadian Hockey League players that will run, up until the June 25-26 NHL draft in Los Angeles. One question we asked in order to get a window into guys' outside-of-hockey personality was, "Favourite TV show and/or movie?" It's far better to ask that than favourite band, since it preempts the "all kinds of music" answer and journalists having to look up spellings of any acts that have come on the scene since 2003.

Not to give any spoilers, but Two And A Half Men was a pretty popular answer. It is television's No. 1 comedy, plus it's on constantly in syndication. Entourage, Lost and Family Guy popped up a couple times. A few answered Friends, on the premise that anyone who can survive the Wingate and V02 max tests is at no risk of having his dude membership revoked.

On Saturday, two players back-to-back answered Seinfeld. At that point, it came to mind that another TV comedy, the one which still airs in the same time slot it had in the 1990s, hadn't been mentioned once.

"No one's mentioned The Simpsons," I said.

"Yeah, that show's kind of old," one of the Seinfeld aficionados said.

Talk about jarring. You don't need to know what's on Taylor Hall's iPod playlist to know athletes aren't arbiters of cultural tastes. Personally, The Simpsons hasn't been a must-view since 1998 or '99. It doesn't take Chris Turner to know the show defined at least one generation, both those who were teenagers and young adults in the 1990s, along with their parents and younger siblings. (To this day, my 25-year-old brother's family nickname remains "The Boy," Homer's term of endearment for Bart.)

Still, athletes watch a lot of TV, since much of their time is spent in hotel rooms relaxing and resting up for games. There is total recall of feeling validated as a 13-year-old in 1990 after seeing an article in The Hockey News which the New York Rangers' Darren Turcotte listed The Simpsons as his favourite show: "A lot of hockey players like it because of the sarcasm."

(There's a chance I read that while hiding The Hockey News under my desk during French class. The French teacher at my elementary school was named Liz Latourell. Her spouse coaches football, meaning there is actually a high school football coach in Kingston whose last name sounds like "lateral," a football term.)


Not having a single Simpsons lover among 40 or so teenaged players was like Lyndon Johnson saying, "If I've lost Cronkite, I've lost Middle America," during the Vietnam War.

Or it was like the Season 6 episode when Homer is aghast after finding out his kids and their classmates have never heard of his favourite bands. However, cupping a hand to one's face and saying, "For more information on The Simpsons, consult your school library!" would kind of prove the point.

Blog Blast Past: From Springfield to Saskatoon, the CIS is covered in yellow

The Simpsons marked its 20th anniversary on Sunday. From Oct. 24, 2008, here is a favourite post from this site's run — a post likening each Canadian Interuniversity Sport football team with a Simpsons character.

There are two things this site would like to believe it knows cold: Canadian university football and The Simpsons.

If only there was a way to combine both, for great fun and significantly less profit, eh? The wait is over. Of course, this has been done before. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and hey, what better way to wile away a Friday afternoon?It's a first for Canada, so please, click through.


UBC THUNDERBIRDS: KENT BROCKMAN

There was a time ... a time before Brian Towriss moulded Saskatchewan into the big Canada West powerhouse and before Daily Kos, et al., turned political reporting on its ear, when the local anchorman reigned supreme, much like T-Birds football in the late '70s and '80s.

Nowadays, neither UBC nor Brockman are important as they once were. Each has clued in about their growing obsolescence. That kind of explains why they are so eager to welcome their new ant overlords from the NCAA and toil in the underground sugar caves of the Division II Great Northwest Athletic Conference, with academic and athletic powerhouses such as Northwest Nazarene and Western Washington. Hey, it's better that way than having to accept the riffraff — columnists from Politico, a Canada West applicant such as University of Northern British Columbia — as equals.

Why has it come to this? At the risk of being unpopular, this reporter puts the blame squarely on you, the viewer.

SIMON FRASER CLAN: ARNIE PIE

A one-note act who spends most of his time at high altitude. Arnie/SFU can give the traffic report or win games solely on the strength of defence and special teams like no one's business. Take him out of his comfort zone and bad things will happen, whether it's his voice going all jabberwocky that one time he got to be in the anchor's desk, or mustering only 391 yards total offence in road games against Regina and Saskatchewan. Resents UBC/Brockman for hogging the spotlight locally, but needs them and must learn to accept that anything they do will be treated like a mere traffic report. Face the facts, SFU.

(For future reference) OKANAGAN SUN: SCOTT CHRISTIAN

Are apparently just waiting for UBC/Brockman to leave, then the job is theirs.

ALBERTA GOLDEN BEARS: APU NAHEESAPEEMAPETILON

"Thank you for coming, I'll see you in hell," more or less sums up a program which last won a championship in 1981, when people still used punch cards and rocked out to Cheap Trick's Dream Police while washing and waxing a Camaro Z28 in the driveway. Apu/U of A is far too busy to achieve a modicum of football proficiency, between winning octuple national championships every year in all manner of team sports or putting in a 112-hour week at the Kwik-E-Mart. Since Albertans were generally bigger Bushies than the rest of Canada acrossover the past eight years, there is a better than off chance some of the U of A faithful have offspring with names such as Lincoln, Freedom, Condoleezza, Coke, Pepsi, Manifest Destiny, Apple Pie, and Superman.

CALGARY DINOS: SNAKE

Projects a kind of outlaw, Frank and Jesse James mien. This is not such a bad thing since as we all know, women and CIS Top Ten voters are equally entranced by bad boys. Has a long-standing history with Apu/Alberta that can never be resolved, since he always seems to be back on the street within 24 hours ("we'll try to make it 12") and Apu treats the taste of hot lead as a badge of honour. Calgary/Snake always makes out OK. Being located in Southern Alberta means lucrative post-graduation employment for Dinos athletes and if the bottom falls out of the oil industry, there's always petty larceny: "Ho-ho! Goodbye, student loan payments!"

REGINA RAMS: PRINCIPAL SKINNER; SASKATCHEWAN HUSKIES: AGNES SKINNER

The Prairies ain't big enough for these two to find enough space to co-exist comfortably. Skinner/Regina has problems with inadequacy caused being unable to meet the exacting standard set by Anges/U of S, who is happy to rub it in — "but I'm not principal of the line, mother." ... "And ya never will be!"

Principal Skinner for Regina was settled on after some debate over picking Comic Book Guy ("their coach is always pointing out everyone else's flaws but seems oblivious to his own"), but it needed to be a team that has many issues with its "beloved smother — I mean, mother." Agnes Skinner suits the Huskies to a T, since she's sharp-witted, domineering and everyone is kind of afraid of her, plus she would prefer having the place to herself again.

Some would point out that Macy's and Gimbels learned to get along. Gimbels is gone, long gone. Regina is Gimbels.

MANITOBA BISONS: NED FLANDERS

No one would have been surprised to find out that some of the players on their 2007 Vanier Cup team were actually 60 years old. Maintaining decorum and discipline has never been their strong suit, which is a big reason why they're on the verge of missing the playoffs one year after a national championship, but U of M/Flanders thinks everything is just okeley-dokely. Now, were you drinking Slice or Yoo-Hoo?

QUÉBEC

LAVAL ROUGE ET OR: NELSON MUNTZ

Gimme the ball — and your lunch money! A figure of menace in the neighbourhood who has eight beatings scheduled for Saturdays and Sundays across September and October. Nelson/Laval's fans are convinced that someday they will have a quarterback who, when none of his receivers are open, will arc a high pass and run downfield to catch it for the touchdown, then exclaim, "I've got to give up smoking." Of course, that would require offensive co-ordinator Justin Éthier to open up his conservative playbook, wouldn't it, R&O fans? It takes a co-ordinated effort of the entire neighbourhood to take Nelson/Laval down, but for the time being, they can only be dealt with one-on-one.

Some day they will look in the mirror, say, "Ha-ha!" and then reflect, "Wow, that really hurt. No wonder people don't like giving us our due for four Vanier Cups in nine seasons."

CONCORDIA STINGERS & MONTRÉAL CARABINS: JIMBO & KEARNEY

They don't have the universally acknowledged reputation for intimidation that Nelson/Laval does, but to continue with the Quebec conference as schoolyard bullies motif, they are bona fide badass, the muscle.

Sometimes it can come back to haunt them, whether it's the campers turning on them during the Kamp Krusty episode, or the Carabins being the most heavily penalized team in the country by more than 20 yards per game in 2007. They might stick to their own turf, but you ignore them at their peril, because if Nelson/Laval ever steps aside, they could rule the roost with extreme prejudice — and lights-out defence.

McGILL REDMEN: LISA SIMPSON

Wear red, have a future Olympic women's hockey team goalie in their midst and can't wait to grow up and join the real world, where 0-8 seasons are forgotten and you're respected for being gifted and talented (ya, right). Just can't understand why people are reluctant to give respect to the Grammar Rodeo Head Buckaroo, or a quarterback and receiver who set all-time records thanks in some part to the reality that having no running game or defence means McGill has little choice but to throw on almost every down.

Lisa/McGill does get your respect, ultimately. The reality is she will end up being your boss. Beyond that, just as L. Simpson's moral outrage never flags, Redmen QB Matt Connell somehow keeps getting up despite playing behind an offensive line that is an absolute collander. They just need to invent some kind of bully repellent. That would keep blitzers from pouring into the backfield like Canadiens fans racing to get a good standing-room spot in the old days at the Forum.

BISHOP'S GAITERS & SHERBROOKE VERT ET OR: LENNY AND CARL

The two teams in La Belle Province's Eastern Townships are not necessarily joined at the hip, but are seen together so frequently that they might as well be. The nature of their exact relationship has never been fully explained, but as Marge says, "Let 'em work it out on their own time." Lenny (Bishop's is in Lennoxville, get it?) and Carl are certainly bit players, who cannot carry the show themselves, per se, but every so often they'll surprise you. Witness Gaiters tailback Jamall Lee's record-setting season, Vert et Or receiver Samuel Giguère's tryout with the Indianapolis Colts, or the cheer Lenny and Carl came up with when the town almost got a NFL expansion franchise, the Springfield Meltdowns. (Lenny: "I've got Melts fever!" ... Carl: "And I've got Downs syndrome!")

ATLANTIC CONFERENCE

SAINT MARY'S HUSKIES: FAT TONY

There is no getting away from the Huskies — they like to dip their finger into everything, much like the head of the Springfield Legitimate Businessmen's Club. Being a national powerhouse which plays six games a season against the rest of the AUS can also be like playing five-card stud with eight queens in your hand.

Fat Tony/SMU's awe-inspiring scope and reach has long outdistanced their size of their tiny four-team fiefdom, but they're loath to move, because hey, did the czar leave Russia even when people were really ticked off at him? That means having to be apologetic after pummeling Mayor Quimby with a baseball bat in public or pinning a 105-0 score on Mount Allison back in 2001. "SMU, how could you?" ... "What? Whaaaat?"

ST. FRANCIS XAVIER X-MEN: BARNEY GUMBLE

The life of the party, who enjoy it when you "buy them a beer ... two bucks a glass" (which is probably not far off from Antigonish bar prices — we miss our days of $2.25 Stellas during Happy Hour at the pub during our student days down east, especially since said Happy Hour was actually four hours long). They can occasionally be remorseful afterward. Barney/St. FX's existence can seem meager, but you're a fool to think so. They always have their moments, some coming at the expense of Fat Tony — taking pictures of Legs' sister, or during basketball season. When they're clean and sober, you have to watch out for them to snatch up a conference championship every so often, because as was the case at the Springfield Film Festival, the prize is a lifetime supply of beer: "Just hook it to my veins!"

ACADIA AXEMEN: EDNA KRABAPPEL

Just generally disappointed by how everything has gone, but still sneaky-hot.

MOUNT ALLISON MOUNTIES: MARTIN PRINCE

Be careful, you'll break their calculator, by which they mean their heads! Bright, erudite, multilingual and well-read, but thanks to to the Atlantic-Quebec interlock, they are vulnerable to beatdowns from Jimbo (Concordia) and Kearney (Montréal).

ONTARIO

TORONTO VARSITY BLUES: RALPH WIGGUM

Not that long ago they were this close to sleeping in the yard, when they didn't have a home stadium. At times they have seemed utterly out of it and their chances of ever winning a game seemed as likely as a sighting of Snagglepuss ("he was going to the bathroom"), but as time has gone along their mildly idiot-savant tendencies have resulted in a few bits of brilliance.

"Ah, you've done good by winning two games this season, Ralph. Now you know what you've got to do — you've got to burn the house down! Burn them all!"

YORK LIONS: POLICE CHIEF WIGGUM

Often inept, comically so, and being outscored 471-32 over an eight-game season would make anyone want to fill his gob with a Gummi Bear sandwich. Is source of comfort to Ralph/U of T, however, and for that, seems like an allrightnik.

OTTAWA GEE-GEES: BART SIMPSON

They have been labelled as being underachievers and proud of it, perhaps unfairly, because inside the mind of a banged-up 4-4 football team is the heart of a 10-year-old mastermind of mischief. They've got a certain confidence and devil-may-care attitude and even when they're not on their game, they still have enough potential that makes you believe they're going to do something awesome. However, if indeed they do lose to Guelph tomorrow in the OUA quarter-final, they will know how George Washington felt when he had to surrender Fort Necessity to the French in 1754.

(For future reference) CARLETON RAVENS: MILHOUSE

Everything's coming up Ravens! Five national championships in men's basketball, a No. 1-ranked men's soccer team and a national ranking for the hockey team in only its second full season, plus Mom just got a new boyfriend in Capital City. Proximity to Glebe section of Ottawa also gave them a front-row seat for the demolition of the south-side stand at Lansdowne Park. "I was watching it. First it started to fall over ... then it fell over."

Milhouse/Carleton believes they can be players, despite their track record. Best friend of Bart/Ottawa because of, well, geographical convenience. Also has a crush on Lisa/McGill.

LAURIER GOLDEN HAWKS: HOMER!

Have relatively few inhibitions, is up for beer-fueled mayhem (see those: "We've Got Big Hawks" T-shirts) and do not give a damn about the consequences of their actions. Homer/Laurier's detractors, the Frank Grimes types down the road at UW, wonder how they can simply coast their way through life and go no worse than 6-2 every season, but it seems like they have a vast army of alumni and various Springfieldianites who make their life ridiculously easy.

It seems like every week they get in a jam, but by the end, Homer/Laurier are always right back in their traditional position as the most beloved team in the OUA. No one hates them, because it seems like they've found the balance between working hard and hardly working.

GUELPH GRYPHONS: MARGE SIMPSON

Always seems to be OK, reliable, right in the meaty part of the middle of the OUA standings, but there's a feeling of wasted potential there amid the portraits of Ringo Starr and the explosiveness of Justin Dunk, Jed Gardner and Nick Fitzgibbon. Has a long and complicated history with their neighbours just down Hwy. 401, Homer/Laurier, and that can sometimes come out in weird ways.

Sometimes it can take the form of odd outbursts, whether it's staying up all night baking or leaving about 20 points on the field in a close season-opening loss against none other than the Golden Hawks. Has trouble finishing off anything — like selling a house when she worked at Red Blazer Realty, or putting away an 0-3 McMaster team after being up by 13 points in the fourth quarter. It makes you wonder how talented they really are, but someday they will cast off the shackles of their OUA oppressors, and you know it's gonna be good.

WATERLOO WARRIORS: PROFESSOR FRINK

They'll make you laugh, they'll make you think, they like to run and then do the thing with the person ... have an IQ of about 185, but always seem to be missing one or two key elements that cause their inventions, or their myriad trick plays, to go boom. Frink/Waterloo, which has grown accustomed to being on the outside looking in since the OUA cut back to a six-team playoff championship, has spent this week using the Gambletron 3000 to figure out out how Laurier will do in its playoff game against McMaster ... "and the winner is Laurier by two ... hundred ... points?!" Can explain why pi is exactly 3, to which Homer/Laurier says, "Mmmmmmmm ... pie."

McMASTER MARAUDERS: KRUSTY THE CLOWN

You gotta hand it to McMaster. They give off the the vibe that they're not what they once were, but when they want to, they can turn to outside help — like bringing in Stefan Ptaszek from Laurier as coach — and come up with some fresh material. They are somewhat haunted by demons — an estranged father, losing at home in the playoffs to Queen's two years ago, but you don't dare take you eyes off them. They can still put on a show, whether it's the Krusty the Clown 29th anniversary special or a 29-point thumping of Windsor in a game they had to win to make the OUA playoffs. With Ptaszek's offence, bear a strange resemblance to Homer/Laurier.

WINDSOR LANCERS: GIL GUNDERSON

"Oh, this can't happen today, not to Windsor!" Those loyal to the Lancers always start out earnest, full of hope and are way too hard on themselves when their team can't close the sale. The wolves sure are at Ol' Gil's door, since he hasn't brought in enough of the green to make the last two payments on his hot plate or managed to make the playoffs in the OUA the past two seasons. You know the drill: "Damn! That felt like a .500 season!"

Gil/Windsor is also oblivious as to when someone has worn out his welcome. Freeloading off the Simpsons for more than year is analogues to not removing a coach who has only won one-third of his games over 11 seasons.

WESTERN MUSTANGS: MONTY BURNS (But to you, it's Mr. Burns)

If Gil has been stepped on by capitalism's boot once too often, Western/Mr. Burns has often been only too obliging with the stomping.

The old-money team of the OUA has more cash than God and has been around nearly as long, with more than a few fawning Waylon Smitherses in the media only to willing to do their bidding. The school's preppiness makes for a healthy blend of the rich and the ignorant. Is still a force to reckoned with and has a sense of entitlement that no championship drought or having held on to outdated shares of stock can zap, because their mind will draft back to 1971 ... '74 ... '76 ... '77 ... '89 ... or '94.

The bottom line is that Queen's can have its football and its academics, but Western will always be first in fratboys who call each other "brah!" while they're eying girls who treat skin as a layer of clothing, even in the dead of January.

QUEEN'S GOLDEN GAELS: SIDESHOW BOB

Smugger than smug, overeducated eggheads who end up spending a lot of time near and around prisons, thanks to being in Kingston. Looks down on snotty elitism but ignores their own and will refer to a family member who didn't go to Queen's as having spent "four years at Clown College." Is convinced of their superiority, despite at various turns having been foiled by Krusty/McMaster, Homer/Laurier, archnemesis Bart Simpson/Ottawa as well as Lisa Simpson/McGill, to whom they're fairly indifferent ever since changing conferences after the 2000 season.

Sideshow Bob/Queen's has cultivated a sense of propriety over all he surveys and looks down on most of it, be it TV's bottomless chum bucket that has claimed Vanessa Redgrave, or most of Kingston that's north of Princess or west of Alfred St. One day Bob will have his revenge, and he will lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king (see Baird, John). Sure he will.

(Glove tap to Hey Jenny Slater, which did this for the NCAA a while ago. Make sure you check out The CIS Blog. Andrew, Duane, Greg, Mike, Rob and Kinger each have hand prints all over this.)

In Defence of Toronto Sports Fans

From the perspective of a 500 level fan at the Blue Jays Home Opener last night....

From my seat at the game, third row from the top of the 500 level down the first-base line (that's right, spared no expense!), I chuckled and shook my head as person after person failed to launch a paper airplane from the 500s on to the field. Only two seemed to make it all the way — from my vantage point anyways — out of the good hundred or so that were launched. The farthest one from our side was sent gliding out to the middle of centrefield, with the crowd going wild as the paper plane caught an updraft and just kept on going. The plane rested between the outfielders for a while before being scooped up by grounds staff.

Hey, blame it on Detroit, the fans have to do something to stay entertained when the score is 9-1 (PLEASE please note the sarcasm!). For the most part the fans on the night were vociferous but happy, rowdy yes but in good spirits. But there's always that 3% out there, that splinter of the population that, as the cliché goes, "ruins it for the rest of us."

Unable to see the balls that were thrown onto the field like many others (heard about it only after the game), and thanks to Rogers Centre staff sitting on their hands for what seemed like forever, I assumed like some others it was the paper planes that caused the stoppage in the game, which was rather confusing. While I don't condone throwing balls onto the field at players in any way, it was isolated - it's not like the incident was an epidemic. While it doesn't change the seriousness of it all, it does take the blame off of more than 48,000 in attendance. I think that need be remembered.

The number of fights in the 500 level were surprisingly low considering how many Detroit fans seemed to make the trip up for the game. Not to say that there weren't some fights last night, just that they paled in comparison to last year's Home Opener, as well as the first few Toonie Tuesday games of last season. There were 500-level alcohol bans on Toonie Tuesday's following swiftly behind those games and rightly so as I was in the attendance at the Tuesday game just before the banning. Last night the crowd failed to match that tenacity though, last night does not warrant any bans.

The crowd was drunk and rowdy yes but not more so than usual, and certainly not overly violent. Paper planes were the main distraction for the masses this season, unlike streakers and fights at last year's home opener. Yet Toronto sports fans are once again en masse taking the blame for the isolated incidents that took place. The fans of Toronto are no more to blame here than our very own culture of sports. And maybe it's time to give that one another look over.

It is built into our nature it seems to allow these "few bad apples" to thrive at sporting events. The hecklers are cheered on and even encouraged by the crowd when they're giving it to an opposing fan or player, spurred to the point where some of them eventually take it too far with violence or interacting with the field of play. While North Americans appear deathly afraid of the term "hooliganism" it is already present in all major sports and tolerated as well. Of course it's tolerated just up until that point of violence, that is, and that's when some people are suddenly disgusted with the actions of these people and become self-righteous. This is not just isolated to one place, it's a common occurrence while heading out to games anywhere it seems!

An entire fan base cannot be painted negatively as a whole for the actions of the very relatively few, that will never help the situation. When an entire city, across all its sports organizations, starts to get labelled as violent and out of control that's not helping to curb this stream of "hooliganism." There's elements that do warrant it but it certainly doesn't apply to all. Since the TFC incident though and now after this Jays Home Opener there are speculative eyes taking aim with seemingly every sports fan residing in Toronto, but you just can't paint them all with that same negative brush. Negative portrayal and stereotyping, that's what they do in Russia.

Reasonable, well thought out plans can actually deter some of these issues altogether. Some incidents can be blamed more on poorly thought out planning than anything else. Not all, but definitely a good number. With this increased interest in fan activities and interaction at sporting events recently, hopefully the time to pay more attention to planning will finally arrive. Odds of that happening...

Like it or not Toronto is not only not that bad, but no different than any other sports city across the country/continent/likely the world. Once we face up to facts that it is not the geographical location of a team that dictates the temperament of its fans but something deeper maybe things can be addressed. Until then though punishing and labeling a group will only makes things worse. Before everyone starts pointing fingers and playing the blame game, it's time to put some perspective on this whole matter.

Coming up next, Curling For Loonies

It's no "Oh, you'll win her back, eh, and b) we're closing in 10 minutes," and it can't hold a candle to Bart and Milhouse being on the Canada Olympic basketball team ("Wow, that was close — you can be centre"). However, The Simpsons referenced Canada right off the hop in last night's episode.



A Mid-Atlantic Hockey League conference semi-final do-over game. Nice. It's a total coincidence, but Canadian curler John Morris dropped a Simpsons reference into an interview today about being recognized in public:

"There are some nights when you just want to put on the ’Guy Incognito’ costume and go in and no one knows who you are and you can just go have a beer with your buddies."

Related:
What if Don Cherry were an animated French Canadian? (Bitter Leafs Fan; clip via Awful Announcing)

Batter up: Los Angeles Dodgers

It's that mystical, wonderful time of year where you commit to a baseball team who you know fully well won't win. This season, in honour of an popular Internet meme, we'll present 25 things about each team. Now batting: the Dodgers of Los Angeles.

1. It's Vin Scully's 60th (60th!) year broadcasting Dodger baseball. Just thought everyone should know.
2. In case you forgot, they made the playoffs last year. They actually won a round (okay, it was against the Cubs). Including October, they went 88-82, which, wouldn't you know it, is a worse record than three American League teams who didn't get invited.
3. Dave Cameron at Fangraphs called them the 13th-best organization in baseball, dinging the (sometimes clueless) front office with a D+.
   
4. For those who want to keep in touch with the team, like U.S.S. Mariner, Jon Weisman's Dodger Thoughts (now part of the Los Angeles Times) tells you pretty much everything.
   
5. Strong points last year? Hitting...nah. Pitching...maybe. Dodger Stadium makes anyone look good. That doesn't apply to Chad Billingsley, who Dodger Thoughts pegged as the most indispensable (or least dispensable) Dodger, or #2 on-the-same-list Clayton Kershaw (not to be confused with Clayton Andrews; really, don't confuse them). Solid pitchers, both.
   
6. MannyBManny is only third? Weisman knows more than I do, and there's no way an OPS+ of 219 holds up over more than 53 games, but that is surprising.
7. So who is this Kershaw, anyway? Worth the hype? Sure is. Lefty. He was born in (sigh...) 1988. Drafted 7th overall three years ago out of a Texas high school. 276 strikeouts and 91 walks in 221 minor league innings. Struck out nearly a batter per inning in his first season in the majors last year. At age 20. Young pitchers will break your heart, but that's half the fun, isn't it?
8. Let's not forget the impact the studly Russell Martin may have on the pitching staff. Or his decision to go by J. Martin this year--his mother's maiden name is his third middle name, Jeanson. Or his quitting of the chewing tobacco.
   
9. Then again, any positive results from the pitchers, or J. Martin, will quickly be nullified if certain conditions come to pass.
   
10. But wait! Unless Orlando Hudson has something to say about it as he replaces the he's-still-a-second-baseman-really?-huh-that's-odd Jeff Kent. Hudson, interestingly, joined the Dodgers on a huge incentives contract: if he reaches 569 plate appearances (three-year average), he gets $7.18 million instead of $3.38M. He is worth it. Nobody is allowed to disparage the O-Dog, who is was one of the best defensive second basemen in the game and would win every mayoral election of any city in which he has spent five or more minutes.
    
11. Sadly, if Hudson does have something to say about it, you will need a good rewind button to figure out what he said. (Ten points to anyone who can transcribe this.)
12. Last note on the pitching: Randy Wolf, far from young, "has not put together a full season of above-average pitching since 2002" (link) but is somehow in their starting rotation.
13. 2009 predictions: 84 wins and too close to call from the CHONE system (one of the best predictors), 92 from PECOTA (probably the only better one), and a first-place 91 wins from a math prof at NJIT. All of those are enough to win the West.
    
14. They open April with a lot of games on the road. The quick-to-snark fan would say "because clearly it makes no sense to play early games in warm and snowless Los Angeles" but their April road games are in San Diego, Phoenix, Houston, and Denver. You, the Southern Ontarian reader, were not fooled by today's high of 17 and would take a trip to those cities in a second.
15. There's a joke about "you have the wrong Blake!" but someone else will have to put it together: Casey Blake (age: 35) may or may not start over Blake DeWitt at third (age: much less than 35). I must be missing something. Casey B. is tolerable, but B. DeWitt apparently wasn't handsome enough to tempt Joe Torre.
16. They do have a good roster of young and talented players, though. Come October, Matt Kemp will be just 25, James Loney only 24 and Andre Ethier all the way up there at 27. Career OPS+ for each of them: 116, 114, 109. It doesn't matter which is which. All three are also at that early stage of their careers where they are ridiculous, ridiculous bargains.
17. No, seriously, check out that lineup.
18. Unrelated, but possibly interesting: both Kemp and Ethier hit fly balls in the 2008 NLCS that stayed in the air for six seconds before landing in a glove. Hang time, even on outs, is supposed to be a pretty good indicator of a hitter's power.
    
19. Their manager is Joe Torre. Ever heard of him? Conventional widsom: he's one of the best. One statistical view (David Gassko in the 2008 THT Annual): he's about a win below average; good with hitters but awful with pitchers. Paul Quantrill's Overworked Right Arm: agrees.
    
20. "Big Bill McCloskey coming up. As soon as he pops out, we'll go right to the post-game show." Wondering who used to have their AAA team in Las Vegas? It was in fact the Dodgers. Thanks to the Blue Jays (well, not really, but work with me), Ken Levine can now mention the Albuquerque Isotopes references during Dodger Talk without collecting residuals (well, he didn't write that episode, but work with me)
    
21. Hey, look. Fernando Valenzuela, pitching cereal.
22. There's nobody at this site who would like to publish a book one day, right? Good.
    
23. The Sons of Steve Garvey: Great April Fool's Day gag or greatest April Fool's Day gag?
24. For almost the bottom line, back to Weisman: "The possibility of having Ramirez, Rafael Furcal and an improving Kershaw for full seasons ought to mitigate many of the concerns that this can’t be as good a team as [last year's]."
25. And finally...this retrospective-from-the-future could, plausibly, happen: "The Dodgers went 92-70 in 2009 because of an NL-best offense, a young, athletic defense improved by the absences of retired 2B Jeff Kent and Juan Pierre (traded in June), and a bend-but-not-break pitching staff led by Clayton Kershaw. Jason Schmidt stepped in as the team's closer when Jonathan Broxton went on the DL for the month of August, and cemented his 9th inning role with gritty saves in a September pennant race against the Giants, his former team."

Fronts: Dino Ciccarelli's ideas intrigue Doug Springer, who wishes to subscribe to his newsletter

Those at Kingston's august broadsheet deserve a round of beers for giving play to an out-of-conference OHL team firing its general manager in its Tuesday edition.

They should know that multiple readers e-mailed on Tuesday to pass on that the subtle dig was noticed, all saying some variation of, "I had to check to make sure it wasn't the Frontenacs." Well played. It was like an early April Fools' Day joke.

"The moves came less than 48 hours after the Sting were eliminated from the first round of the OHL playoffs. During the club's 15-year-history, it has won just three playoff rounds.

"(Owner Dino) Ciccarelli bluntly admitted the ownership must take the blame for the failure to produce a contender.

" 'I've got to tell you the frustration level is high and let's make no mistake about it, the buck stops with the owners,' Ciccarelli said.

"But he added the owners had only two options shake up the front office or sell the team.

"... He said Sarnia's record of drafting young players needs to get better. 'The only way to improve is through the draft. We have to draft a heck of a lot better than in the past.' " (Emphasis mine.)

Obviously, there's no reason why Kingston newsjunkies would see "fires GM" in a headline and get hopeful Frontenacs owner Doug Springer had given Larry Mavety his long-overdue Viking funeral.

Kingston has only won three playoff rounds in the 20 seasons since becoming the Frontenacs in 1989, granted. That is still no reason to be optimistic. His Royal Mavesty's contract extension has already inspired a lame Top 10 list.

Besides, as students of history know, the ones who were responsible for the collapse should get to keep calling the shots. It's much like how the Americans shouldn't have to change their screwed-up banking system just because it plunged the world into a global economic meltdown. Mavety isn't licked yet, he's going to figure a way out of this, really, honest. The last 12 years was just practice.

The Frontenacs, according to the paper, are going to draft a forward since Mavety believes the team needs some goal scorers. Far be it to point out that two players scored 30 goals this season for the Fronts, just as two players scored 30 while playing for the Belleville Bulls. Using Belleville as a benchmark might be unfair, but the Bulls are a rather successful franchise for a team which finished first in the OHL's Eastern Conference this season and made it to the Memorial Cup last season. Anyway, here's Mav in the morning's Whig-Standard:

" 'We’re still in the process (of deciding), I’d say it’s 70-30 (percentage wise) it will be a forward,' Mavety said. 'We’re looking at a team that only scored 200 goals last season. You don’t win in our league with 200 goals. We need some goal scorers.' "

Meantime, back on Planet Earth where the Internet is on computers now, some might have noticed that offensive juggernauts such as the Niagara IceDogs (213 goals), Mississauga St. Michaels Majors (229) and Saginaw Spirit (235) are among the eight teams left standing in the OHL playoffs.

Those eight teams left averaged 251.25 goals for, 207.5 against, compared to the Frontenacs' 200 for and 278 allowed.

In other words, Mavety's hockey machine was much farther below the curve defensively (71.5 goals worse) than offensively (51.25), yet his priority is goal scorers. What a schnorrer.

He's saying this after a season when the OHL only had two 50-goal men, which is the lowest in several seasons. Besides, the Fronts had a bona fide goal scorer, Josh Brittain, and traded him to Barrie, to say nothing of Cory Emmerton, Bobby Bolt, Bobby Hughes, Matt Kang and Chris Stewart, all of whom could snipe but never helped the team actually get anywhere.

An educated guess, going off the regular-season stats, is the biggest difference-maker on the ice for the top OHL clubs is a scoring defenceman. The biggest difference-maker, period full stop, is an owner who knows his assets from second base. Here are the top scorers off the blue line for each of the O's elite eight:

• Windsor: Ryan Ellis, 89 points; Rob Kwiet, 67
• Belleville: P.K. Subban, 76
• London: John Carlson, 76
  
• Mississauga: Cameron Gaunce, 64
• Saginaw: T.J. Brodie, 50
  
• Niagara: Drew Schiestel, 48; Alex Pietrangelo, 29 in 36 games after coming back from the NHL's St. Louis Blues
• Plymouth: Michal Jordan, 42
  
• Brampton: Ken Peroff, 31
  

It's a bit chicken-and-egg, but six of the eight teams still skating have a d-man among their top five point-getters. (Jordan was sixth on Plymouth despite missing 10 games; he also was a tema-high plus-28.) This might speak somewhat to having a team which can get out of its own end and move to the attack quickly, something that has rarely been said of any team Mavety has been involved during the past decade, except maybe when Jim Hulton was coaching in Kingston. (For anyone wondering, the Ottawa 67's top scoring defenceman, Julien Demers, was ninth on the team, and they're out of the playoffs, just saying.)

The Frontenacs should get the best player available. A franchise which has only won 43 of 136 games across the past two seasons needs help everywhere. When the GM doesn't really know what his team's big flaw is or what successful teams have that his team doesn't have, it really needs help.

It's not all bad. Kingston's new No. 1 junior hockey team, the Voyageurs, are set to face Oakville in the Ontario Junior Hockey League championship series. Fronts forward Ethan Werek, a gifted goal scorer by the way, will likely get named to the Canadian under-18 team today (Taylor Doherty is a maybe). Another local player, Jeremy Franklin, was recently nominated for Canadian Junior Hockey League player of the year honours.

Meantime, don't say Mavety cannot help build a contender. He still has the Mav-gic, so long as it's not for the team employing him. The Belleville Bulls, by unofficial count, have a half-dozen contributors who slipped by Kingston. Belleville got its goalie, Kingston minor hockey grad Mike Murphy, top two forwards Bryan Cameron and Eric Tangradi and shutdown defenceman Subban all in the 2005 draft, when Mavety had a higher draft slot.

Kingston's first-rounder from that season, Luke Pither, is now playing for the Bulls. Another Bellevegan, overage forward Brandon Mashinter, could have been picked up from Kitchener at the start of this season to complete an earlier deal, but Mavety instead opted for AHL and NHL-destined Yannick Weber. Meantime, the aforementioned Voyageurs are in the league final with three ex-Fronts in their lineup.

In other words, it was great to see a story about a team in another OHL market tying the can to its GM get big play. Meantime, big-time brownie points (in heaven, there are no brownie points on earth) to the hometown paper for working in digs of varying subtlety:

"En route to those four series triumphs, the Vees have seen their popularity and fan base mushroom dramatically, to the point, in fact, where dozens of ducat-seeking customers have been turned away. Interest is at an all-time high, thanks in large part to 15 post-season victories, generous media coverage and, of course, the sadly dependable early departure of the city's main puck-game tenant, the Frontenacs." (Emphasis mine.)

In the words of Stewie Griffin, "It feels right, Brian. It feels right." You can only take subtle stabs at Springer, whose skin is so thin — how thin is it? — that you could almost read a newspaper through it.

It has been 528 days since Doug Springer promised to do "whatever it takes" to bring a winning team to Kingston.

Related:
Sarnia fires GM (Dan McCaffery, Sun Media, March 31)

CIS Corner: GGs going to women's Final 8; GoldenWatch 2009 begins...

Notes on our athletes/teams of interest from The 613 ...

HOOPS

• Gee-Gees: Ottawa's women's team found redemption for that lost 2007-08 season, as they're going to the CIS Final 8 after shutting down Toronto 68-55 in the OUA East final tonight.
  
  It was a textbook win for Ottawa, which got 14 points apiece from Kelly Weir and senior Allison Forbes, plus 11 from OUA East second all-star guard Émilie Morasse. They pretty much shut down Toronto (32.8% shooting, just 21 points in the second half) and were a lights-out 24-of-27 from the free-throw line, including 10-of-11 by Forbes.
  
  Considering how last season unravelled, it's nice to see Ottawa play to its potential. Congrats are in order for Ottawa coach Andy Sparks, who was named the division's coach of the year on Tuesday.
  
  Plans for this weekend include getting out to Ottawa's semi-final game against either Toronto, Ryerson or York.
  
  Western's Brad Campbell (a Nepean High grad), took the OUA West men's honour.
  
  
• Ravens: Carleton's graduating guard Tanya Perry seems like a pretty deserving choice as the OUA East's top defender; she was all over the floor whenever you saw Carleton play this fall. The other graduating starter, forward Ines Jelic, was a first-team all-star, with Perry on the second team.
  
  Carleton forward Kendall MacLeod and point guard Alyson Bush were all-rookie selections to go along with Carleton Place's Abby Edmison, a RMC post, being rookie of the year.
• Golden Gaels: An acknowledgement is due to Queen's guard Brittany Moore for being named to the OUA East first all-star team.
  
  The men's picks in the West, which Greg Layson reported earlier this week, and women's picks in the East, are posted at cisblog.ca.
• There will be a story on Ottawa native Anneka Bakker, who's helped the Alberta Pandas qualify for the CIS Final 8 women's championship, in the Ottawa Sun in the next day or two. Bakker will be matched up vs. Napanee's Matteke "Muddy" Hutzler , the starting centre for the Simon Fraser Clan, when their teams meet in the Canada West Final Four semi-final on Friday.
  
  In other words, it's another Ottawa and Kingston matchup, only Hutzler represents the capital since she's a cousin of Carleton's Aaron Doornekamp, which Bakker represents Queen's, since her dad, Dick Bakker, starred for the Gaels' 1978 Vanier Cup team. Of course, Bakker told me one of her youth coaches was Kingston coaching legend Tom Turnbull, so like the kids say on Facebook, it's complicated.
  

GOLDENWATCH 2009:

It might not even be worth going into this issue again.

Remember how much Internet ink was spilled last fall over Golden Gaels vs. Gaels debate with respect to what Queen's calls its sports teams? Then football season ended, the first snow flew and everyone, to quote Aldous Snow, just continued living their lives. For some of us, getting a life is not an option, so it was noticeable that CBC's Hockey Day In Canada feature (available at CBC Sports On Demand, search for RMC or Queens) on the Carr-Harris Cup rivalry contained no reference to the name Queen's has had for half the rivalry's history, 61 of 123 years.

Queen's was referred to as Gaels in the on-screen graphic and in the voice-overs (which sounded like Mark Lee, who as a Carleton Ravens quarterback in the 1970s, got to know the Golden Gaels very well, often in violent fashion). This is despite the fact Queen's athletic director Leslie Dal Cin is on record saying, "We have not changed the name."

(This might be more of a commentary on how university sports in Canada don't have much of a stickiness factor. A national journalist in the U.S. would know that the full name of the University of Minnesota's teams are the Golden Gophers, not Gophers, but it Canada it can under the radar screen.)

This all points to this whole debate flaring up again come the 2009 football season, especially now that the homecoming game has been deep-sixed, which might have spurred less outcry (since at least then there was a reason Queen's had to act decisively, even if it was knee-jerk). It's not this alumnus' place to start soapboxing, but one would hope we don't go through this again next season, lest it become a big distraction. Even in the small world of the Tricolour, it's not as important as building new stadia or raising athletics fees or any of the other issues which cause Kinger to go into high dudgeon every Friday at 4 p.m. on Offsides on CFRC 101.9 (cfrc.ca), coming to you live from the bowels of Carruthers Hall.

It's better to settle it sooner rather than later. The football team could keep the Golden Gaels name; the other teams could be Gaels. Other schools have different names for historical reasons. It's not perfect, but not everything can cut-and-dried for marketing purposes.

Bleeding Tricolour: Only we can do that to our pledges

On behalf of the alma mater's radio station, thank you.

CFRC 101.9 in Kingston (cfrc.ca), the community radio station on the Queen's campus, exceeded its target for its 2009 funding drive. Rob Carnell at Salt Water Music notes that the station raised more than $22,000 during its 12-day funding drive earlier this month, surpassing its $18,000 goal.

That is pretty impressive considering the way the economy is going (and it had nothing to do with putting out the call here; in reality, that might have hurt the cause). It's great to hear, because CFRC is a big go-to for Queen's football, hockey and the latest idiocies committed by the Limestone City's Light Brigade, the whole durned human comedy which is the Kingston Frontenacs.

The exact dollar figure is probably pending, give or take any donor, say someone from Queen's class of 2000, taking his sweet-arsed time making good on his pledge. Honestly, guys the check is in the mail. You have no need to send the CFRC Pledge Enforcement Van ("Kinger knows where you live!").

New opening to make life worth living

Everyone has seen the new Simpsons opening, but it's only fair to share it (Tomacco Juice? Mr. Sparkle?). The long-running series has given us thousands of hours of entertainment for free, so if anything, you owe them.

This site has plumbed the show's briny depths for a post likening Canadian university football teams to characters from the show. (the Laurier Golden Hawks are Homer, although to our knowledge no one, even at the old Seagram Stadium, ever hit the referee with a whiskey bottle, what on account of being in uptight Ontario). There were the best sports-themed episodes from the series' Golden Years and its Long Plateau. Just to be fair, there was a Top 5 for King of the Hill too.

Fronts: Stop, you had us at Brett Lindros

C'est la vie in the world of the Springer Frontenacs.

The Manchurian Coach, Dougie!, gave more assurances that he is coming back next season. Left unsaid is that if Doug Gilmour knows he's coming back, then ipso facto, that means owner Doug Springer must not be planning any major changes, specifically with GM-for-life Larry Mavety. Meantime, the Fronts got some nice left-handed compliments in an out-of-town paper.

Far be it to criticize one's own corporate brethren, but the Cornwall Standard-Freeholder had an article day that started off with a nice human interest angle on David Murphy, the Fronts' TV play-by-play man. Murph (not Murph Dog, that would be Jan Murphy from the Whig-Standard) is a good guy. He used to work in Cornwall.

Then it veered off a little into this travelogue that took swipes at the team's record and the wind coming off the lake. The latter is off-limits to outsiders, by the way. Only long-time Kingstonians and Queen's students f.

"There isn't a bad seat in the place, and some of the best of the 5,700 that are available often sit empty. The original expectations of 3,300 per game haven't been met, largely because the Frontenacs continue to be a bad team, 20 games under .500.

"Kingston Canadians graduates include Cornwall's Steve Seguin, and other former NHLers Mike O'Connell, Mike Gillis, Ken Linseman, Tony McKegney, Tim Kerr and Bernie Nicholls.

"Kingston Frontenacs graduates and NHLers include Cornwall's Chad Kilger, as well as Brett Lindros, Craig Rivet, Jan Bulis and Sean Avery.

"Problem is, that's a roll call that spans decades. (The Canadians entered the OHL in 1973; they became the Frontenacs in 1989. The Canadians only once won a regular season division title. Neither version has ever played in the OHL finals.)

"But go if you get an opportunity. Go for the sightlines, go for the excellent calibre of OHL play, go for the endzone restaurant and the roomy concession areas and gift shop."

Shorter version: The team sucks (and were Kinger here, he'd point that it was 3,500 a game and that one division title in 1994-95 came during the Frontenacs era), but it's still strange. The gist of it is seems to be that the Frontenacs are terrible, the walk from the car to the K-Rock Centre can be "a most unpleasant trek" due to the winds, but really you should go, because you can be back in Cornwall by midnight.

The Fronts are home to the Erie Otters tonight. Good sections of seats are still available.

Related:
I'm not going anywhere: Gilmour; Fronts' rookie coach says he'll return next season (Doug Graham, Kingston Whig-Standard)
New arena, same old team (Todd Hambleton, Cornwall Standard-Freeholder)

Zen Dayley: Will McGwire have to buy a ticket to Cooperstown?

Thank you, Mark McGwire, for giving me a reason to watch TV with my kids again. The endless image of the president hugging Lewinsky has been replaced by McGwire hugging his son, hugging the tear-filled family of Roger Maris, and hugging his rival, Sammy Sosa. Thank you, Mark McGwire, for giving us back the hug.
-- Letter to the editor of the Boston Globe, published Sep. 10, 1998


This should be fun.



Warm up the Keltner List Machine!

Was he ever regarded as the best player in baseball? Did anybody, while he was active, ever suggest that he was the best player in baseball?

Regarded as such? Maybe. He won the Associated Press Athlete of the Year in 1998 and was named along with Sammy Sosa as Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year. He led the league in on-base average twice and slugging average four times, and should have won more MVPs than he did (zero). The entire SI staff loved him dearly and he was often portrayed as a proud California boy doin' good by God.

He wasn't the best all-around player, but it's possible that he went first overall in many fantasy drafts.

Was he the best player on his team?

It's tough to be the best when your teammate has 42 homers and 40 steals. Or is also eligible to go into the Hall. (Or is already there.) But once the A's got awful in the mid-90's, McGwire was definitely the best player on his team, and remained so until his final days in St. Louis.

Was he the best player in baseball at his position? Was he the best player in the league at his position?

Probably. Either him or Jeff Bagwell. Maybe Frank Thomas. But they're also Hall-worthy, so I'm not sure it matters.

Did he have an impact on a number of pennant races?

If that number is "four" then yes. Oakland went to three World Series in three years and McGwire, as one of the Bash Brothers, played a big part in getting them there. There's also 1992, when Oakland won 96 games and lost in the first round to some team from up north, but as he kept hitting, the A's stopped winning and that was about it for his pennant-race experience.

Was he a good enough player that he could continue to play regularly after passing his prime?

We're hinting at the answer to a future question, but either he wasn't or he just chose to stop. McGwire only played two years after age 35 and didn't appear in 100 games in either. 35 is typically past the end of a player's prime years anyway, but McGwire's career path is...atypical.

Is he the very best player in baseball history who is not in the Hall of Fame?

No. Among eligible players, Rickey Henderson is ahead of him and maybe Tim Raines is too. (Tim Raines should be in the Hall. Write your MP.)

Are most players who have comparable career statistics in the Hall of Fame?

This is where it starts to get nutty.

Whatever list you want to use, you'll find Harmon Killebrew as a moderate match and a bunch of other guys who don't really compare. His career was pretty much only possible in the era he played in, and he was far above most of his contemporaries.

I know what you are all thinking and we will handle that in a moment.

Do the player's numbers meet Hall of Fame standards?

McGwire could really, really hit. Home runs especially. Fifth-best all-time, by some measure, and second only to Barry Bonds in modern times. 583 isn't a small number. Top-ten in slugging average, too.

But, really, he's just a home-run hitter. A guy with his batting average can't possibly be a Hall of Famer.

...oh, please. Let's not be lazy. Because of his incredible home-run skill, he was able to achieve excellence in other areas. Like on-base average. His is higher than Rod Carew and Joe Morgan, two Hall-of-Famers primarily known for getting on base, and also better than recent Hall-of-Famer and noted singles hitter Tony Gwynn. But McGwire did more than hit singles. He outslugged and outhit many current (legitimate) Hall-of-Famers. His numbers meet the standards, full stop.

Is there any evidence to suggest that the player was significantly better or worse than is suggested by his statistics?

Just give me a second--the doorbell's ringing and I have to go let the elephant into the room...

Okay, let's consider the home-run-by-age graphs at Batter's Box here, and in particular how bizarre McGwire's career is. And how bizarre some of the other sluggers from this era look, relatively speaking.

Clearly McGwire played in an exceptional time and took advantage of it. There's no way his numbers would have been that good otherwise, right?

(pause)

I hope you didn't believe that, or else I'd have to use the same rhetorical device twice in a row. But just to clear things up, McGwire is not Bret Boone. If you neutralize his stats at Baseball-Reference, he gets better. About 10 points are added to each of his averages, and he ends up with 610 homers instead of 583. Meaning, he was not an androstenic mirage. Or at least not any more than the average player was at the time. And I don't consider that to be an issue with his candidacy.

Is he the best player at his position who is eligible for the Hall of Fame but not in?

Yes, indeed. His ranking in Bill James' New Historical Baseball Abstract is third among first basemen, behind Lou Gehrig and Jimmie Foxx, both inner-circle, absolute slam-dunk Hall of Famers.

How many MVP-type seasons did he have? Did he ever win an MVP award? If not, how many times was he close?

Oddly enough, he never won the MVP award, even in 1998. He finished second that year, because Sosa's Cubs made the playoffs. In 1992 he finished fourth when Dennis Eckersley won the award for some reason. 1987, his rookie year, was MVP-like, and he finished fifth in 1999.

He probably should have won two or three of those awards and if he played on a winning team in '87 or '98 or '99, he would have.

How many All-Star-type seasons did he have? How many All-Star games did he play in? Did most of the other players who played in this many go to the Hall of Fame?

He was selected to start the All-Star Game six times and made the team six other times. Maybe two of those were undeserved, but six plus six is twelve and most of the players with 12 or 13 appearances are in the Hall. Everyone with at least 14 appearances is either Barry Bonds, Pete Rose, or some Hall of Famer.

If this man were the best player on his team, would it be likely that the team could win the pennant?

Past evidence says maybe, because he wasn't the best player when Oakland won (although he was close) and he was the best player when his teams didn't (but that was hardly his fault). There's no reason to believe that, if the A's had any kind of a supporting cast in the mid-90's, they would have been held back somehow by their power-hitting first baseman.

What impact did the player have on baseball history? Was he responsible for any rule changes? Did he introduce any new equipment? Did he change the game in any way?

Well, his impact on baseball history was enough for Stephen Brunt to stop sending in his Hall of Fame vote.

But McGwire didn't change the game; he just played it, in every sense of the word. If the discovery of androstenedione in his locker forever changed how baseball treats drug users, then it's pretty weird that Bonds not only managed to break McGwire's record but also packed stadium after stadium with fans wanting to see him sock a few dingers, don't you think? (The Giants' attendance dropped off dramatically last year, when Bonds didn't play at all.)

In other words, drug testing, which was long overdue, was not brought in because of Mark McGwire.

Did the player uphold the standards of sportsmanship and character that the Hall of Fame, in its written guidelines, instructs us to consider?

Depends on when you ask the question. If you ask it now, he's a lying bastard who embarrassed himself and the wonderful game of baseball in front of Congress.

But if you ask it in 1998, he's a classy athlete who actually cares deeply about eradicating child abuse. Who cares about over-the-counter drugs in his locker? He's allowed America to move on from Clinton and Lewinsky by being the front man for an historic quest "that reaches deep into our childhood souls." (There's lots, lots more, but ProQuest can only handle so much saccharine.)

Neither answer is entirely true.

Bottom line

Mark McGwire's Hall-worthy accomplishments were not derided and belittled at the time the way they are now. Choosing to punish him for drug use at a time when it was encouraged might be retroactively ethical, but not really what people are supposed to be voting for here. (And giving lame answers in front of a camera would disqualify every athlete, ever, so don't even bother with that one.) His induction cannot tarnish the reputation of the game if, a mere ten years ago, he was the one saving it.

Writers, hold your noses and put McGwire in the Hall. Give us back the hug.

Raptors: Red Rocket wants to wear red and white

Former Raptors fan favourite Matt Bonner apparently wants to play on the Canadian national basketball team.

It was on Dino Nation late last week and Eric Smith mentioned it during yesterday's desultory Raptors loss to the Boston Celtics. The forward-centre, whose down-to-earth mien has helped him remain immensely popular in Toronto two-plus seasons after being traded to San Antonio (where, regrettably, he has to have his own wheels to get to the arena), wants to play for Canada -- and has a family tie that might help become eligible in time for the 2012 Olympic qualifying run. As DN put it:

"He married a girl from Canada and the wedding was in the summer in Canada. He also has a Canadian grandfather. All of this is leading to the idea of Bonner playing for Canada internationally. In an interview last night he confirmed that this is something he wants to happen. So Canada may have a red rocket to play for them in the future. I would love to see it. Matt Bonner may not be a superstar and is just a role player. But he is a guy that just seemed to touch Raptor fans in a special way that few have."

Why not, eh? Bonner, as a reliable but ultimately limited role player, is nowhere near USA Basketball's radar screen. He's also a big who can shoot from outside, something that the Miami Heat's Joel Anthony doesn't have in his game.

Perish any reminder of that Simpsons episode where Bart and Milhouse are on the Canadian basketball team -- "Wow, that was close! You can be centre." This should, nay must, happen.

Zen Dayley: Balsillie and strikeslie

Did you know the TBS postseason coverage is brought to you by BlackBerry? You can feel the Waterloo pride throughout this Zen Dayley.

The cult of Rays
Rays 6, White Sox 4 (Rays lead 1-0)

I saw Raymond speak one time. He said hello. He also said that baseball lends itself to endless trivia. One such example is the list of players who homered twice in their first postseason game. Evan Longoria became the ninth member of this obscure club with his two homers yesterday at the first meaningful baseball game ever played at Tropicana Field.

Yes, the Rays are awesome. It remains to be seen whether they'll be trapped by the White Sox, who aren't so bad themselves. Tonight it's Mark Buerhle and Scott Kazmir. Watch this game.

From the file of Former Blue Jays You Thought You'd Never Hear From Again ... Dewayne Wise homered for three of the four Chicago runs.

A bigger hole to Phill
Phillies 5, Brewers 2 (Phillies lead 2-0)

Once again the Phils put up a crooked number early on as the Brewers' starter was knocked out before the fifth. This time, however, Brad Lidge had little trouble closing it out (only 12 pitches, not 35). The final out was caught by Shane Victorino, the Flyin' Hawaiian who hit a grand slam in the second and overwhelmed the poor TBS sideline reporter with another slam of you-knows* once the game ended.

* In an e-mail, Neate said Victorino was Boomhauer from King Of The Hill. How soon we forget the departed John Gibbons.

Win probability leaders on the night: 37% for Victorino, 14% for Philly starter Brett Myers, and 9% plus a neat diving play for J.J. Hardy in a losing cause.

It comes down to David Bush, former Jay, to keep Milwaukee alive on Saturday night. And I guess the other eight guys in the lineup, too.

Too little too late, but we don't say no
Dodgers 10, Cubs 1 2 3 (Dodgers lead 2-0)

In the words of Krusty the Clown: ohhh...that just kept going, huh?

Missed the fun part, the first six runs, because of the debate. No, our debate. Great thing about baseball is that it can be summed up in one word: youneverknow. The best defensive team in the league can make two errors in an inning, leading to four unearned runs. The NL's best offence -- by a wide margin -- can be held to two measly hits over the first six innings. (Credit to Chad Billingsley for keeping them off the board for that long.)

And the top team in the National League can be a game away from elimination, losing 2-0 to the Dodgers, a team that won fewer games in an easy division than the fourth-place finisher in a tough division. It's too much to feel.

There was only a 4% chance of the Cubs winning by the time Steve Paikin said good night from Ottawa and tens of televisions across Canada turned to baseball. That was in the bottom of the fifth. Nearly two hours later, the Cubs were hanging on to their seven-run deficit like it was the only thing not losing a tenth of its value in one day.

WPA leaders: Billingsley at 17% and Russell Martin, 14%, basically all because of his double in the second that turned a 2-0 lead into a 5-0 lead.


Damn, the Jays

• USS Mariner's #2 candidate for Seattle GM is current Jays assistant (to the...) GM Tony LaCava. The Seattle Times has claimed that a guy like LaCava, "who hasn't had the big chair before," is more likely to get the job.
  
• Sticking with the Times, their baseball writer formerly of the Toronto Star, Geoff Baker, is voting for Roy Halladay because Halladay deserves it more. From this corner, the fact that a Quebecer like Baker supports the Toronto player is enough to pass over Cliff Lee.

Ils se souviennent

• Head over to the Central Maine Sports Blog for their Expos Appreciation Week. Interviews with Bill "The Spaceman" Lee, Dave Van Horne, Mike Marshall, and other notable Expos are available.

Blog Blast Past: Top 5 Simpsons sports episodes, Part 2

Far be it to say all you lot have spent for too much time digesting the finer points of The Simpsons. The 20th-season premiere is on Sunday, so from July 2007, here are the best five sports-themed episodes from the show's Long Plateau. Part 1 originally appeared in November 2006.

BART STAR (Season 9)
It almost had to be cut, but it made the team by virtue of a priceless smackdown to Lisa's humanitarian values that keeps us all honest. Lisa runs away in tears after finding out there's no sexism or animal cruelty in peewee football for her to denounce -- there's four girls on the team already and one dollar from the sale of each synthetic football (no helpless pigs here) goes to Amnesty International.

There's also an uber-knowing sports reference -- Homer calls up sports talk radio to kvetch about Ned Flanders' coaching, but host Roy Firestone asks him only if he has a question for Sandy Koufax. (Koufax, the J.D. Salinger of legendary left-handed pitchers, doesn't actually have any lines.)

Springfield, led by Flanders' coaching, Nelson Muntz's quarterbacking and zealous kickoff coverage ("Give me the ball -- and your lunch money") and Ralph Wiggum doing yeoman's work on special teams ("I'm special!"), goes undefeated. Along the way, they lay a good old-fashioned Texas thumping on Arlen (Hank Hill: "We drove 2,000 miles for this?") but it's not good enough for Homer.

Homer: Hey, Flanders! You're the worst coach this team has ever had!
Marge: He's the only coach this team has ever had... and the season hasn't even started yet!
Homer: Yeah, well... he's wearing that hat like an idiot.
Marge: You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
Homer: Fun, too.

In frust-diddly-ustration, Flanders quits and puts Homer in charge of the team. Coaching football, especially with Bart on the team, turns out not to be so easy -- except for "the easiest part of any coach's job... the cuts."

SADDLESORE GALACTICA (Season 11)
The funny: You have a shot across the brow of the Comic Book Guy and the show's know-it-all fans: "Does anyone care what this guy thinks?" ... "Nooooooo!"

The Simpsons end up adopting Dunkin, the diving horse from the state fair, and to pay for his care, make him a racehorse with Bart as his jockey (for his first race, he wears Krusty the Clown PJs in lieu of racing silks). Rebranding him as Furious D, complete with "baditude" and a multicoloured mane a la basketball's Dennis Rodman, Bart and Homer soon turn the sport of kings on its ear. "Wow," Homer says after yet another victory, "Soon I'll have more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the pope combined."

This causes unrest within the Secret Underground Lair of the Jockey. Homer is taken hostage and told that if Dunkin doesn't lose the Springfield Derby -- "the fifth and penultimate jewel in racing's Triple Crown" -- they'll eat his brain. Bart and Dunkin win the race and the jockeys advance on them and Homer, but Marge and Lisa halt their charge with a couple well-timed blasts from the garden hose.

SUNDAY, CRUDDY SUNDAY (Season 9)
Sure, it's a Super Bowl show featuring Dolly Parton that doesn't have any football or singing -- which come to think of it, is really kind of a ripoff. Regardless, without it world might not have found out about Hall of Fame quarterback Troy Aikman's skills as a caricaturist.

"You like dune buggies, Ned?"
"No, not really."
"Sure you do. Everybody likes dune buggies."

Homer gets in a pinch at the Super Bowl after he and travel agent Wally Kogen, a kindred spirit in the slow-on-the-uptake department, charter a bus to the big game only to find out their tickets are counterfeit.... "there's no such team as the Spungos and these appear to be printed on some sort of cracker."

BROTHER'S LITTLE HELPER (Season 11)
It subtly commented on baseball's Steroids Era years before Rafael Palmeiro gave a wag of his finger to the U.S. Congress. This was also way before when Barry Bonds didn't have a melon so large that Russ Meyer would have wanted to immortalize it on film -- and sports wasn't even the main theme.

Bart, whose prescription of Focusyn has caused him to become paranoid that he is being spied on by the nefarious MLB (as in Major League Baseball), steals a tank and drives it through Springfield before shooting down a satellite. "May God help you if that thing carried the Spice Channel," says an angry Moe.

It turns out MLB is monitoring his and every Springfieldianite's activities, but enter future disgraced home run king Mark McGwire to put things right. After confirming that Major League Baseball is "spying on you pretty much around the clock," McGwire asks the assembled mob, "Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?"

The crowd replies, "Dingers! Dingers!", basically summarizing the American media's head-in-the-sand approach to McGwire's home-run exploits of the late '90s. As they ooh and aah at the baseballs soaring long into the night, McGwire swipes the classified information -- "Yoink!" Presumably, the Simpsonsized Big Mac disappeared before he could face any kind of serious scrutiny -- just like real-life Mark McGwire.

(Another great baseball reference in this episode. Bart, briefly, becomes driven and organized, showering his family with gifts. Homer receives the self-help book Chicken Soup For The Loser, which "inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of laundromats.")

HUNGRY HUNGRY HOMER (Season 12)
It would be the best of this bunch even if didn't actually lead to the birth of a Triple-A baseball team called the Albuquerque Isotopes.

After an incident stemming from a family outing to Blockoland -- don't you mean Legoland? -- Homer becomes a champion of the little guy and tries to get his crony Lenny a refund on season tickets for the Springfield Isotopes. The 'Topes are the local minor-league baseball team owned by the evil and heartless Duff Corporation. Until recently the 'Topes had been owned by the Mafia -- "it was the last of the family-owned teams," Moe the Bartender says wistfully.

Homer pops open a closet door by mistake and finds it brimming with Albuquerque Isotopes hats, pennants and T-shirts, revealing the team will be moved. To force the truth out, Homer goes on a hunger strike, but no one believes him because, as Milhouse's weekend dad notes, there's been nothing about it on "Sportszilla and the Jabber Jocks." Despite wasting away -- "I'm down to a B cup!" -- and having hallucinations where the ghost of Mexican-American labour leader César Chávez appears to him as the ghost of actor Cesar Romero -- "because you don't know what César Chávez looks like! -- Homer refuses to give up.

Eventually, team management -- which had chained Homer to the centre-field flag pole to co-opt him as a gate attraction -- admits defeat, since his smell was also distracting the centrefielder. With help from Duffman, who has new feelings brewing inside, Homer reveals to the fans that the owners plan to move the team. Seeing this, the malevolent mayor of Albuquerque decides Springfield has too much spirit and decides to steal another baseball team.

"Find out how much Dallas wants for the Cowboys."
"Sir, that's football."
"They'll play what I tell 'em to play. For I am the mayor of Albuquerque!"

Honourable mentions
MILLION DOLLAR ABIE
When Springfield comes close to getting a NFL expansion team, the Meltdowns, Carl enthuses "I have Melts fever!" and Lenny chimes in, "And I've got Downs syndrome!"

THE BART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS (Season 13)
After each dating Rainier Wolfcastle's daughter, Greta, and being rejected by her, Bart and Milhouse find themselves at loose ends while in Toronto. "Well," says Milhouse, "we're in Canada... let's do something fun."

Cut to the two best friends on a basketball court, wearing red-and-white.

Milhouse: "I can't believe we're on the Canadian Olympic basketball team."
Bart: "Yep, it's just that easy." (Winds up and takes a shot that misses the rim entirely)
Canuck player: "Wow, that was close. You can be the centre!"

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.

Blog blast past: Top 5 Simpsons sports episodes, Part 1

The Simpsons -- teacher, mother, secret lover! -- begins it 20th season on Sunday night. From November 2006, here's the top 5 sports-themed episodes from the show's golden age.

Every fan knows The Simpsons had its Golden Age and the Long Plateau, divided precisely at Sept. 28, 1997, The Principal And The Pauper, when it's revealed that Principal Skinner stole another man's identity while in Vietnam. (All together now: Worst. Episode. Ever.)

So, here's the Top 5 sports-themed episodes from the Golden Age:

DEAD PUTTING SOCIETY (Season 2)
Homer's resentment toward to Flanders' attempt at friendliness ("Your beer comes from farther away than my beer! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt!) spills over when Homer signs Bart up to play in a mini-golf tournament against Todd Flanders. Homer makes a bet with Flanders that the father of the boy who doesn't win has to mow the other man's lawn wearing his wife's Sunday dress. With the pressure on, Lisa becomes a 4-foot-2 yellow-skinned Phil Jackson, tapping into some Eastern wisdom to help Bart focus.

Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind. Bart: OK. Lisa: Embrace nothingness. Bart: You got it. Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone. Bart: Done. Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about! Bart: True. Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating! Bart: I'll bet.

The Funny: Homer gets his at the end of the episode, when Bart and Todd Flanders, after several nerve-wracking playoff holes, decide to call their championship match a draw. This means Homer and Flanders both have to mow the lawn in a dress -- excepts Flanders enjoys it since it "takes me back to my fraternity days."

BART THE DAREDEVIL (Season 2)
It wouldn't have even been thought of as a sports-themed episode when it debuted in the fall of 1990, but it predated the X Games and extreme sports' movement into the mainstream, a development that spawned a bajillion Blink-182 videos and Mountain Dew commercials in the late '90s.

(It even got to the point where it was an easy parody -- remember the "Extreme!" guys in Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle?)

The Simpsons go to a monster truck show, where unfortunately they arrive late. Lisa, of course, had to have a saxophone recital. Homer drives into the arena, leading to a harrowing encounter with Truckasaurus. (Even funnier is that Homer has to drive the mangled family car home.)

Inspired by Lance Murdoch ("If he's not in action, he's in traction), Bart fantasizes about becoming a daredevil, imagining an intro of, "If he's not in class, he's risking his ass." (Remember, this was 1990. You didn't hear the word "ass" on TV back then, especially if you were a kid living in a cable-free household.)

Bart begins doing a series of skateboard stunts for the neighbourhood kids. He gets the idea to leap Springfield Gorge, but Homer prevents him -- with disastrously hilarious consequences.

LISA THE GREEK (Season 3)
Homer proclaims NFL Sunday to be Daddy-Daughter Day when he discovers Lisa has an almost eerie prescience for helping him win his bets. Remember, the main reason people watch the NFL is because they have money riding on it. In fact, she's much better at it than the network guys, like Smooth Jimmy Apollo (voiced by the late Phil Hartman): "Well, Chet, when you're right 52 per cent of the time, you're wrong 48 perc ent of the time!"

The humour comes in how Lisa, normally so moral, gets such a rush from helping Homer clean out his bookie (Moe, of course) and turn into an eight-year-old gambling addict. She even incorporates her new hobby into an essay on the happiest day of her life:

Ralph Wiggum: ... and when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
Ms. Hoover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic ... Lisa Simpson, would you like to read your essay?
Lisa: The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago. I was sitting on my daddy's knee when the Saints, who were 4½ point favorites, but only up by 3, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second to cover the spread.
Ms. Hoover: Dear God!

Of course, Homer blows it by taking Lisa's gift for granted. Hurt, Lisa offers him this proposition: If Washington wins the Super Bowl, she loves him; if not, Buffalo wins. This creates a very anxious Super Sunday for Homer.

Barfly: "Whaddya got ridin' on this game?"
Homer: "My daughter!"
Barfly: "Whatta gambler!"

(Also funny: In repeats the following season, "Dallas" was dubbed in for "Washington," and that again correctly predicted the Super Bowl's outcome.)

THE HOMER THEY FALL (Season 8)
After Homer gets beaten up by the fathers of school bullies Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney at Moe's, Moe the Bartender decides to revive his failed boxing dreams by putting Homer in the ring. Predictably, Marge objects --"Of all the crazy ideas you've ever had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle." However, it turns out Homer more than meets state requirements to "box, wrestle or be shot out of a cannon." (Apparently whatever state Springfield is in was founded by circus freaks.)

Refusing to fight, and simply waiting for his opponents to punch themselves to exhaustion so he can push them to the canvas, Homer cleans out the ranks of ASSBOX (Association of Springfield Semi-Professional Boxers):

Moe: OK, you're fighting a guy named Boxcar Bob.
Homer: Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he?
Moe: Uh, no, not yet, he still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fighting for a sandwich.

This gets Homer a shot at the champ, Drederick Tatum, who, uh, kind of looks like a certain boxer from real life.

The Funny: You learn more of Moe's backstory, there's a Raging Bull parody, and well, making fun of boxing -- the sham fights, the B-list celebrities, its bottomless capacity for farce -- is like fishing with dynamite.

HOMER AT THE BAT (Season 3)
Let's see: Parodies The Natural, the song Talkin' Baseball ("Mike Scioscia's tragic illness made us smile / while Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the barroom tile") and George M. Steinbrenner III's micromanaging ways: "Mattingly! I told you to trim those sideburns!"

Writers and baseball are always a natural mesh, and there's enough baseball-fan humour and knowing references to support this episode. Darryl Strawberry's a team player ("Some of these guys have a got a bad attitude, skip") and José Canseco is a glory hog ("Don't worry, ma'am, I'll save your cat"). Plus we find out Mr. Burns is really, really old, since his initial hand-picked team of ringers consists of Cap Anson, Honus Wagner and Mordecai (Three Finger) Brown. In fact, his right fielder has been dead for 130 years.

Waylon Smithers, acting upon Burns' orders to "scour the professional ranks -- the American League, the National League, the Negro Leagues," puts together a team that's more stacked than the late-'90s Yankees. Of course, all of of Waylon's wizards are waylaid by various calamities, meaning the real Power Plant team has to play the championship game -- except for regular right-fielder Homer Simpson, since Strawberry is still OK to play. Naturally, Homer gets his skull-cracking chance at glory.

Lisa: "No, Mom, it counts as a hit! Dad won the game!"
Marge: "Well, I guess he'll be happy... when he comes to."

WHY NOT...

LISA ON ICE (Season 6)
Funny at times -- "Ralph Wiggum lost his shinguard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!" -- but mostly this episode is a cop-out.

Why? Firstly, the show's writers want to make a point about overly competitive sports parents, and they chose hockey, a foreign game, rather than go after America's triple-threat of baseball, basketball and football. (Granted, they went after youth football in subsequent seasons.)

Secondly, the ending. Bart gets a penalty shot against Lisa with four seconds left in a tie game. The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until Homer's throat is sore... but they remember all the good times they've had as siblings, and decide to let the game end in a tie. Except for one thing: In real hockey, the clock doesn't run on a penalty shot, so the ending is a cop-out.

One could argue that the writers played on the average American's ignorance of hockey. It still only makes the ending snort-through-the-nose funny, if not actually funny.

(This post was almost 99% Greg Hughes' idea.)

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.