Sports tomes: Selena Roberts' swill not selling so swell

Ours is not to wonder why Selena Roberts' takedown book on Alex Rodríguez is selling worse than Brian Griffin's novel, Faster Than The Speed Of Love.

"Published in early May by HarperCollins with an announced first printing of 150,000, A-Rod has sold just 16,000 copies so far, according to Nielsen BookScan ... As of Wednesday afternoon, the book ranked No. 2,904 on Amazon.com, where even James Frey's discredited memoir A Million Little Pieces — at 1,776 — is outselling it."

Ah, what the hell, let's theorize with the aim of making sure that no matter what, it can't just be blamed on what a ShysterBall commenter panned as Roberts' "shallow, flash-in-the-pan 'journalism.' "

1. Carrying around a book about Alex Rodríguez would be like carrying a Bear Stearns tote bag. There's such a profound sense of shame that everyone would just like to keep their distance.
   
   
2. Even before the economic meltdown, sports publishing was a tough racket. Who's got $29.99 to shell out for a book which has largely been discredited? Sports bios also depend on how popular the athlete is and what kind of a season he's having. It could not have helped sales when Rodríguez was on the disabled list.
   
   
3. A rule of thumb with sports publishing is a book needs something to sustain it once the holy-flurking-schnit factor runs its course. It's like the books José Canseco put out: Once you've got the dirt, what is there, really?
   
4. Two other Yankees books hit the market first, Tom Verducci and Joe Torre's collaboration, The Yankees Years. A good friend has been sending MSN messages almost daily with some of the inside stuff in the Verducci book. Some of it, like the part about Roger Clemens having a trainer rub liniment on his testicles, has been excerpted, but there's a lot more beyond.

Bottom line, hearing that Roberts' book isn't selling stirs up schadenfreude. Oh well, she got her big advance.

It takes a big man to apologize

No doubt a lot of people will be cynical about Canadian-born former NFLer Tony Mandarich will receive for apologizing to a journalist, 20 years after the fact, for his denials of steroid use, at a time when he's promoting a book.

"Mandarich is more upfront with writer Rick Telander about his steroid use and even apologized for denying it to him in 1989.

" 'I'm sorry, Rick,' Mandarich says. 'The phrase I was wrong was not in my vocabulary back then. But I was wrong. I conned you. I lied to you about not using steroids. I was a jackass. I don't want to be like that anymore.'

"Telander says he didn't believe Mandarich then but he does now when he says he's clean now in his book, My Dirty Little Secrets: Steroids, Alcohol & God: The Tony Mandarich Story, which comes out this month." -- Detroit Free Press

Mandarich, who was the No. 2 overall pick in the 1989 draft (the next three selections were Deion Sanders, Derrick Thomas and Barry Sanders) admitted last fall that he used steroids during his college career.

Go ahead, be a cynic and say you haven't been this shocked since Lance Bass came out, or that it's odd that Mandarich would release a book around the time of the build-up for the NFL draft. His name is often fresh in football fans' minds in March and April, since he's usually appearing on top-ten lists of the biggest draft busts, after Ryan Leaf but before Todd Marinovich.

However, the choice is to take Mandarich at his word and realize he's working through a lot stemming from the wild-and-crazy guy that he was in his 20s. There's also the reality that his brother, 1980s CFL lineman John Mandarich, died of cancer at age 31, a few years after he had been using steroids during his career, with the complicity of his team.

The bottom line is that at 22 years old, Tony Mandarich had the world by the ass, had that taken away from him and actually managed to work his way back into the NFL for a few seasons. At last report, he and his spouse were running a photography shop down in Arizona. His kind of story, done honestly, can make for a good read (provided it doesn't get too preachy, as harbingered by having the G-word in the title)

In retrospect, it is kind of funny that no one was ever too scandalized by Mandarich in Canada. The Ben Johnson scandal came first, plus Mandarich was a 315-lb. offensive lineman in the National Football League. He was supposed to be cheating.

Related:
Mandarich: Sorry for lying to SI (Detroit Free Press)

Snark break...

Come on, Sags ... calling Canada a post-literate society, you can't say that.

Canada beat Germany 5-1 last night at the world juniors. Never before has a team outshot its opponent by such a margin -- 49-13 -- and still come through such adversity.

Another great headline that could not be written: "Canucks Grubauered." By the way,

Forty-three-year-old Claude Lemieux has signed a NHL contract with the San Jose Sharks. He's older than Joseph -- the one in the Old Testament, not the one in Toronto.

The Detroit Lions are on the wrong side of another blowout, that being the competition for worst defence in recent NFL history. The two previous marks were each held by the Minnesota Vikings; those teams actually made the playoffs.

A Toronto columnist might need all of next year to live down writing of Mats Sundin that, "The guy's only crime is that he's not a mercenary, that he's true." (Down Goes Brown has the takedown.)

It's so nice to see philanthropic efforts pay off -- Oklahoma State and the University of Oregon have deep-pocketed donors and their teams are in the Pacific Life Holiday Bowl.

Last, and certainly least, Darcy Tucker vs. Jordin Tootoo -- it's hard to figure out who to root for in that scenario.


This post was worth nothing, but this is worth noting

• Please don't infer anything from the fact German goalie Philipp Grubauer, who made made 44 saves against Canada, plays for the Belleville Bulls. The Kingston Frontenacs brain trust would hate it if you said, "Does this mean Belleville's backup goalie is playing with more confidence than Kingston's starter?" or "does this show why you should take the CHL import draft seriously?"
• Last but not least, two weeks later, can someone please answer why it's significant that Marshall Eriksen (Jason Segel) was wearing a No. 70 Vikings jersey on a recent episode of How I Met Your Mother? A playoff game hangs in the balance, plus someone here is pretty much addicted to that show, and why not?
  
  
  
  
• Happy New Year. Plans are to see Slovakia-Russia today at the World Juniors (and, uh, see if anyone is Blagoing tickets for the Sweden-Russia game).

Snark break ...

A bunch of staff that happened as you debated what Carol Alt, at age 47, doing a layout for Playboy, has to do with sports -- other than the fact she and ex-Sennies captain Alexei Yashin are together and hockey players might be the only people who still give any cachet to the Hefmag.

Hockey Night in Canada is airing a doubleheader on the NHL's North American opening night and Bob Cole isn't commentating either game. Don't worry, though, if Cole is no longer the lead announcer, surely the Ceeb surely would have said something by now.

Just a suggestion: With the state of the U.S. economy and the death of originality in Hollwood, the timing is right to bring back The Waltons.

The New York Nets are hopeful that having Yi Jianlian will endear them to New York/New Jersey's 650,000 Chinese-American population. They also plan to point out that Vince Carter is more delicate than fine China.

Forgive the obvious question: No school wants to be Syracuse's football rival, because you know what that would mean ... they're as bad as Syracuse. (How long until basketball season?)

As if it wasn't going bad enough for West Ham United so far in the English Premier League, their team doctor isn't actually allowed to practise medicine in England.

This post is worth nothing, but this is worth noting:

• Faceoff Factor did a liveblog of the Kingston Frontenacs' 5-1 stomping of the Ottawa 67's, their first win of the season (and thus making it more plausible to believe they won't go 0-for-3 on their western swing over the holiday weekend).
• Another book recommendation: Nathan Whitlock's debut novel A Week Of This ($16.98 on Amazon.ca) is worth a look-see, and that's not just being said because we have a given name in common. It came out in the spring, but it's very much a fall novel, since it gets in the whole bleak-beyond-belief nature of living in a small Canadian town. There were times when reading it, you almost had to look away, it hit that close to home.
  
  (Whitlock is reading at the International Festival of Authors in Toronto two weeks from now.)

It's all part of our rock-and-roll fantasy

Just to whet the appetite for Chuck Klosterman's debut novel Downtown Owl, he did a Q&A with RandBall.

Among other things, he dodged the question of creating a clever name for a fantasy sports team, but did it in a creative way.

RB: Creating clever fantasy football team names has replaced creating clever band names as an idle past-time for 20-something males. Discuss.

CK: No idea. I don’t understand the question. But here’s my new plan: I want to start a band that only plays cover versions of songs that tell narrative stories about how the group itself started, such as Boston’s Rock and Roll Band, Bryan Adams’ Summer of ‘69, and that one good single by Art Brut. However, we could only play one gig.

It's unfortunate that Klosterman didn't want to get into it — maybe he just doesn't do the fantasy-league thing, or doesn't want to admit to such nerdish leanings.

(It won't be long until Good Enough 4 Odessa is rolling through the Rockhard Fantasy League season. There will not be obsessive posts about this ... and that can be put in a certificant that you can frame.

Snark break ... once smitten, twice shy

First things first: R.I.P., Don Haskins ... is it OK to say it? -- most important college basketball coach ever.

• Go to the washroom, splash some cold water on your face and give yourself a blast if you feel the least bit empty over Tom Brady likely being out for the season.
  
  (Update, Sept. 9: Kissing Suzy Kolber has a typically outstanding parody.)
  
  But, your argument goes, even though I'm not a fan of the Patriots, I just love to watch them because of the way they taken offensive football to such a high level.
  
  Sure you do. That's about as likely as the possibility Gisele Bundchen was first smitten by the cool way Brady delivers a checkdown pass to Kevin Faulk when all of his wide receivers are covered, not his good looks, fame and money.
  
  Did the Brett Favre drama teach you nothing? The NFL is a full-contact soap opera, an industry built on personality, where everyone can have an opinion without having to know the intimate details or the background. It's like the original Facebook.
  
  Brady being out is bad for the Patriots, most likely bad for Randy Moss' stats and bad for the NFL's bottom line. It should not affect your overall football-watching experience and if it does, then you Stockholm Syndromed yourself, big-time. Shame on you.
  
  Point being, you shouldn't get hung up on personalities. Personality is what gets Gisele, while the stylists often end up sleeping alone.
  
  (The Patriots were past due on the karma account. It's as if they tempted fate by habitually listing Brady on the injury report when he wasn't hurt and by not having a credible backup -- not to mention the cheating and the beating Brady took toward the end of last season.
  
  That being said, anyone who cheered the sight of his injury should get a swift kick. Incidentally, you can count on Patriots fans playing the underdog card sooner rather than the later.)
• Is it worth pointing out that any number of contending MLB teams who reeling of late might might avoided that with Barry Bonds in the middle of their batting order? Looking at you, Tampa Bay Rays.
• Michael Cera is a funny kid.
• Emmitt Smith of Dancing With The Stars Dallas Cowboys fame can really be a putz sometimes.

(Jeff Pearlman's Boys Will Be Boys comes out in eight days.)

Hoserdome: Throwing the book at CIS schools

It's about time someone called out collegiate sports for its excesses.

Not, not the NCAA -- Canadian university sports. Our excesses are those of restraint, modesty, derring-don't and something-for-everyone syndrome.

Since many Canadians keep a handy-dandy mental list of all the horror stories associated with major-college basketball and football in the States that is to be used whenever someone suggests we could or should be more like the NCAA, it's only fair that we should come under the kind of scrutiny, which has come courtesy of B.C. writer Alan Watson.

"The exodus of Canadian athletes south of the border has long annoyed B.C. writer Alan Watson. In his new book, A-Plus in Disconnect: How Canadian Universities Dropped the Ball, Watson tackles some tough questions:

"Why do Canadian athletes often fail to perform at a high level on the world stage? Why is university sport in Canada so little regarded by spectators? Why do our best young athletes head to the U.S.?

" 'The biggest thing we are lacking is scholarships throughout our university system,' Watson said in an interview. 'There is no depth in the system.' "

Watson's self-published tome about "this freak of Canadian nature" (which you can buy here), presuming it's isn't a book-length diatribe, attempts to force some long-standing issues about the CIS on to the frontburner. (Please don't take that as a dig at self-publishing. If Watson failed to find a publisher, even a university press, perhaps that goes to show how little the ivory-tower folk value having a sophisticated dialogue about sports, a topic something people actually care about.)

The article about Watson's book alone draws out a number of our prejudices. You've been there. Someone will argue, or express a wish that Canadian university sports should be more like the NCAA down in the U.S. -- more professional in outlook, more intense rivalries, more media coverage.

The rebuttal almost always evoke those Big-Time College Sports Horror Stories. Someone will launch into the whole litany of American excesses -- the basketball team with the 0% graduation rate, the "the corrupt grassroots basketball system that typically dices up far more players than it benefits" (Yahoo! Sports, Dec. 6, 2007), the head football coach who makes $2 million a year while his players can't accept someone paying for their meal at Applebee's, schools covering up criminal behaviour, current NFL quarterback Matt Leinart having a course schedule consisting entirely of ballroom dancing during his final semester at USC, and so on and so on. (Then there's all those Dec. 27 bowl games between teams with 6-6 and 7-5 records. That's the worst.)

At the same time, Our excesses go unchecked. Offering little for the best and brightest -- unless they're a male hockey player, then they only have to move 500 miles from home at age 16 -- should not be seen as perfectly normal in this country. It's unacceptable that anyone of a rational mind doesn't even raise an eyebrow when a basketball prodigy such as Toronto's Tristan Thompson has to attend high school in the U.S. to use his gifts, while his peers in hockey such as John Tavares and John McFarland get to stay much closer to home and become household names at age 16.The mere likelihood that only a degenerate hoops nut living in Southern Ontario has even heard of Tristan Thompson, even though he stands to be a future NBA multi-millionaire, kind of makes the argument.

The response is to Watson is fraught with an all-too-Canadian anxiety about abandoning the middle ground. We want the big shiny things but, but, but while keeping it in perspective. Of course, if you agree with Watson, you're also ignoring the fact that almost everywhere outside of the U.S. and Canada, professional sports teams pay to raise their future stars instead of co-opting the education system.

(Update: You'd also be ignoring that in many parts of the U.S., educators are having enough trouble keeping high school sports alive.)

One response is to try and have a few Canadian schools join the NCAA for select program. Let UBC and Simon Fraser be in the Pac-10 for baseball, softball and swimming. A women's hockey team playing out of Calgary (where the national team is based) would probably win the NCAA title inside of five years. There's enough top-end basketball talent in the GTA that a team based at a Toronto university could be competitive in the Big East or Big Ten. (Of course, there's the whole issue of whether athletes getting federal funding would be considered pros by the NCAA. This is the same regal body which lets a baseball bonus baby play football, but considers a kid getting a $60 weekly stipend in the OHL a professional.)

A better tomorrow, for this CIS nut, would mean that a basketball team which is used to playing in front of 500 fans on a Saturday night would play in front of 2,000. A football team could count on getting the same crowd each week that it only gets at Homecoming (and in Queen's case, students wouldn't leave at halftime). The CIS website wouldn't be down for an entire weekend, as is the case at this writing. There would be more fans keeping blogs about their teams and more year-round media coverage like the kind Greg Layson in Guelph and Howard Tsumura in Vancouver, among others, offer their readers.

It's moving like molasses in January, but there are stories here and there about a promising high school student-athlete who's getting her/his education paid for in Canada instead of farther away at a NCAA Division 1 school. The day when someone such as Devoe Joseph chooses to go to the University of Toronto instead of the University of Minnesota is not happening, not in my lifetime.

There are other reasons for our sucktacular Olympic performances beyond Canadian schools having been slow to offer scholarships. Douglas Coupland's line about how, "Aliens assessing the national diet would note that, from a biological standpoint, it is imperative that citizens live on concentrated forms of sugar, carbohydrate, fat and salt," might have something to do with why Canada was shut out in the pool four years ago at the Athens Summer Olympics, for instance.

Watson should get credit for attacking our Canadian mindset, this whole belief that sports is foreign to our culture, head-on. His remedy, ironically enough, is to "have Canadians pay a small tax that would go towards providing full athletic scholarships." It's not likely to happen. In Ontario, spending on university education has remained flat for more than 25 years, even though enrolment has doubled. (Even the author admits the hope of that happening is slim and none, and slim has stepped out for a smoke.)

No one should be closed-minded to thinking we could change. Our university sports are light-years removed from the bizarro world of the NCAA, for good or ill. The CIS has its charms, but it's ignorant to lose sight of what this might be doing to our best and brightest.

(Cross-posted to The CIS Blog.)

Related:
Canadian universities stuck with old beliefs, says author (The Canadian Press)

Daunte Culpepper and Douglas Coupland have the same initials; odd, that

The New York Giants and the Green Bay Packers can have their Super Bowl trophies and Joe Buck man-love. The Patriots can have the best part of Randy Moss' Hall of Fame career.

The Minnesota Vikings will always be first in post-modern tragicomedy.

"Daunte Culpepper persevered and established a new Guinness World Record for 'Highest Score in the Two-Minute Drill on Madden NFL 2002" with a staggering 14,500 points. Playing the same game that featured him on the cover, Culpepper played as himself with the Minnesota Vikings and made some serious connections to then-teammate Randy Moss. He earned the record at EA's 20th Anniversary Premiere Party for Madden NFL 09, and if unbeaten, will be included in the Guinness World Records: Gamer's Edition 2009, scheduled for release next February."
-- IGN.com

The joke's on the guy who spent way too many late nights from about, oh, 2000 from well into 2006 -- long after the magic act had broken up -- vicariously plugging into the Culpepper-to-Moss combination via the Madden franchise (while mixing in plenty of short stuff to a tight end named Neate Sager who was like Kellen Winslow and Magnus Samuelsson all rolled into one) .

What a postscript to the Culpepper-Moss years. It's not for nothing that Daunte Culpepper and Douglas Coupland have the same initials, or that each has 15 letters in his name.

(Seriously, if you haven't read JPod already, do so tout suite. Link via Pro Football Talk.)

Showtime wasn't necessarily blow time...

Here's a little something to whet the appetite for Game 2 of the Celtics and Lakers tonight ... the sight of Kurt Rambis' Bermuda shorts really makes one wonder why NBA commissioner David Stern waited until 2005 to institute a dress code.

Chuck Klosterman's been kind of ubiquitous during these NBA Finals since he wrote that famous essay about Celtic People and Laker People. You have to love his take on U.S. national politics vis-a-vis the NBA, "Kobe would vote for whoever was ahead in the polls ... I have to assume Barack Obama does not have to worry very much about dominating the NBA vote. If 80 percent of southern Ohio was composed of professional basketball players, we would be out of Iraq by 2010."

He doesn't need the advertisement, but Klosterman's first full-length work of fiction, Downtown Owl: A Novel, is being published in the fall. It's already available on Amazon.

How's that novel comin' along?

Remember the CNN producer, Chez Pazienza, who was sacked over the content on his blog, Deus Ex Malconent?

He's got a book available for download, if you're interested. Some of you lot would feel justified in calling it faux-intellectual, but you can't spell faux-intellectual without intellectual.

NOT SOUR OVER GRAPES BEING ON BOOKSHELVES

... Don Cherry has a book coming out this fall.

Don Cherry's Hockey Stories And Stuff, written with veteran sports journalist Al Strachan, will arrive in bookstores across Canada in late October, 2008. -- Doubleday Canada press releease

No one is turning up his nose at this news. A good collection of sports anecdotes, done right and done light, is usually a great one-day read. There will be no dismissing it here.

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protaganist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh?

Anyways, speaking of the hometown, the Kingston Canadians name is coming back. As Rollins detailed down below, how about Mike Murphy leading the Belleville Bulls back from 3-0 down against Kitchener to force Game 7 in OHL final?

BATTER UP: TEXAS RANGERS

It's baseball season, that mystical, wonderful time of year where you commit to a team for six months, knowing full well they won't win. Here's a starting nine for the Texas Rangers.

1. I got nothin': The only Rangers-related item that rates a mention is that Mike Shropshire is due to come out with a second book about his days as a beat writer covering the team in the mid-'70s. (Link via Slate.)
   
   It's titled, The Last Real Season: A Hilarious Look Back at 1975 -- When Major Leaguers Made Peanuts, the Umpires Wore Red, and Billy Martin Terrorized Everyone.
   
   Shropshire's previous tome was called Seasons In Hell; I literally read it until my paperback copy fell apart. Imagine what Almost Famous would have been like with if it had involved jocks instead of rockstars and had Terry Gilliam as a director instead of Cameron Crowe and you pretty much have Seasons In Hell.
2. Everything to everyone is nothing to anyone: The Bill James Gold Mine 2008 points out the Rangers suffer from a lack of variety in their offensive diet. They whacked 179 homers in '07, but their team leader hit only 21. They had 100-plus strikeouts from eight of nine spots. In short, they have no table-setters, no contact hitters and no big bat.
3. The Hammer: There's not much new to saw about centrefielder Josh Hamilton, who had his inspiring comeback with the Reds last season before they opted to sell high and snooker the clueless Rangers out of pitcher Edinson Vosquez. He might be the one redeeming quality of the Rangers for the next little while.
4. Real estate: The most relevant part of Seasons In Hell is probably a scene when Shropshire related his dealings with an editor who constantly told him he lacked the dedication for the "newspaper business." Shropshire's riposte was that as a sportswriter, he wasn't involved in the newspaper business: "And you ain't either. Some heir to the Scripps-Howard fortune is down on his private island with 300 cases of champagne and Miss Teenage Sweden. He's in the newspaper business. You and I are not."
   
   That sums up what it's like to be coach, play or scout for the Rangers, although every franchise is like this to an extent nowadays. BP 2008's chapter on the team lays out how the Rangers have never been anything more than "a vehicle for big profits" for its owners. There's no point to this franchise, it's peaked as a business, but it won't be moved any time soon.
5. Mo-tive? Have the Rangers become what the L.A. Kings were to hockey in the days when they were the only Sun Belt team? It sure seems that way. Why beat your head against the wall for a team that's going nowhere? The paycheques still come in and it's 75 degrees every day, perfect golf weather. Right, Kevin Millwood?
   
6. Worth noting: Former Jays slugger John Mayberry's son, rightfielder John Mayberry Jr., is repeating at Double-A. That's not a positive sign.
7. Owning the basement: This is a last-place team. (Well, duh.)
8. Celebrity couple for 2012: Rangers catching prospect Taylor Teagarden and Friday Night Lights ingenue Aimee Teegarden. This was just an excuse to remind you that the show got renewed.
9. Need-to-know: Texas has plenty of baseball fans. Fortunately, they have plenty of options for seeing good, spirited baseball -- the college programs at Rice and the University of Texas.
   
   The Rangers also have some talent on their Double-A team, the Frisco Roughriders, who as one wag put it, "unlike the Rangers, openly admit that they are fielding a minor-league team!"

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.

BATTER UP: SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS

It's staying light longer, the Leafs are toast ... that can mean only one thing: We'll soon see the first halter top of the season. OK, two things: It's baseball season, that mystical, wonderful time of year where you commit to a team for six months, knowing full well they won't win. Here's a starting nine for the San Francisco Giants.

1. Where 100 losses happens: It's pretty hacky to act like predicting the Giants will drop a hundred games this season is any kind of bold prediction.
   
   Look at the lineup. Bengie Molina might bat cleanup, for pity's sake. No regular is projected to hit 20 homers. The best defender, Omar Vizquel, is 41 years old. The pitching isn't good enough to save them.
2. Where 99 homers as a team happens: The Giants could be the first post-Steroid Era team to hit less than 100 home runs. The Kansas City Royals almost did it in 2007.
   
   The last team to go through a 162-game season and fail to crack the century mark was the '93 Florida Marlins, a first-year expansion team that played in a football stadium and wore teal caps.
3. Where no run support happens: There's something innately fascinating about a good pitcher having a losing record; remember that year in the '80s when Nolan Ryan led the National League in strikeouts and ERA, but finished 8-16? Sure you do. Bill James, in his new book, even retroactivity bestows the Turk Farrell Award for the man who pitched the best while finishing in the red; recipients include Bert Blyleven, Steve Carlton (twice!) and Curt Schilling.
   
   Suffice to say, the Giants' Matt Cain, who's 23, and Tim Lincecum, 24, are going to be in some pretty fine company, so to speak, until they can get to free agency. ddd
4. So, who did play leftfield from 1993 to 2007? "Nobody! We had a leftfield-by-committee! Sometimes we just played with five infielders! Everyone went on vacation!" (Claps hands over ears, starts singing.)
   
   The Giants organization, tired of feeling dirty, so very dirty is, are removing all images from Barry Bonds from the ballpark. The only trace that will remain is a plaque marking where his 756th homer landed.
5. Youth is relative: Reading about the Giants' youth brigade, so-called, is like that Seinfeld episode where Kramer moves into Jerry's parents' retirement community.
   
   

   Morty: "He's even got a date with that young aquacize instructor!"
   Jerry: "She's 50!"

   The youngbloods in question are players such as first baseman Dan Ortmeier and outfielder Fred Lewis, an infielder Eugenio Velez. To put in perspective, Velez is the only one who's actually younger than the Jays' Aaron Hill, who's in his fourth season, and he's only got him beat by two months.
6. The Tao's arteries appear safe -- for now.: This year and potentially through 2012, the magic milestone is 20. The Tao of Stieb has vowed to eat a pound of raw bacon if Giants centrefielder Aaron Rowand, who signed a ridiculous free-agent contract over the winter, cracks 20 homers in any season in San Fran.
   
   The Baseball Prospectus 2008 has Rowand (pictured) down for 15 homers this season.
7. Where finding solace happens: From afar, there are individual stories to root for on the Giants, stuff we can all get behind. Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum keeping their sanity over the next few years, for one.
   
   Fred Lewis can play a bit, and if he ends winning the leftfield job and being that classic late bloomer who hits .300 after years of toil in the minors, that will mean a lot of feel-good stories, and heavens know we can use that these days. Former Jays reliever Vinny Chulk is also trying to come back after circulatory problems stemming from his use of chewing tobacco cut his season short.
8. The experts speak: "The Giants are just lousy with veterans who would make fairly good reserves, but whom they treat as regulars." -- Baseball Prospectus 2008
   
   It's not the players' fault; this one is all GM Brian Sabean's. Take the other night. The Giants were playing an exhibition game at home vs. the Mariners when Rich Aurilia forgot about the lead runner "after he awkwardly caught a throw on a potential double play," allowing Seattle's Yuniesky Betancourt to round third and score standing up. Thing is, what was Aurilia, a fine shortstop once, doing playing first base to begin with?
9. Need-to-know: The Giants have a very nice ballpark. You should really read Jeff Pearlman's bio of Bonds, Love Me, Hate Me. The Giants threw Barry Zito against their Triple-A team last week, played most of their regulars, and lost 4-3. That is all.

IT'S NOT A JPOD FROM JACK TODD

Far be it to suggest that a guy who dishes it out like Jack Todd of the Montreal Gazette better be able to take it in kind.

Todd, who apparently believes a professional writer composing a blog entry is on the same level as a teenager sending a text mesage -- is something less than Swift when it comes to a more traditional form of communication. His forthcoming first novel, Sun Going Down, was described by Quill & Quire as "a long, rambling tale set against the settlement of the American midwest" -- and that was about the most complimentary part of the review in their March edition.

The novel is heavily plot-driven, but it is difficult for the reader to care for the characters, as they are allowed little in the way of internal dialogue. They do things to advance the plot, rather than because of who they are.

... Some descriptions jar -- the sun rises "like a rotten tangerine over a molten river" -- and others are simply strange -- a catfish breaches the river's surface for a "toothful of dragonfly."

Occasionally, even the action is overdone -- is is hard, for example, to see how a man with a gouge in his biceps the size of "a turkey egg," a broken forearm with "a jagged edge of bone" poking through, as well as cracked ribs, manages to keep fighting and even get his opponent in a "death grip."

Hey, you can't say "historically, epically bad" without "historic epic." Now, some blogger types would fight back by saying there's not much difference in literary quality between Jack Todd's foray into fiction and a teenager's text messages.

But that's simply not true. At 450 pages, Sun Going Down will make a much better paperweight than your daughter's cellphone.

WILL POWER

Sports Media Journal has a review up for Deadspin editor Will Leitch's God Save The Fan, which will be published Monday by HarperCollins.

It's Will's third or fourth book, which is pretty impressive for someone in his early 30s. The SMJ review has some issues with the book's purpose, what the point is, but overall it's probably going to find a huge audience.

A copy has been ordered from Amazon, and some thoughts will be shared when it does arrive in Canada, probably some time around the third round of the Stanley Cup playoffs.

FRONTS: TASTELESS JOKES ARE TOUGHER TO AVOID THAN, WELL, A SPEEDING CAR

Kingston Frontenacs goalies often deal with heavy traffic, but this is ridiculous.

There's no joking (OK, not much) about what happened today in Windsor with Fronts goalie Anthony Peters and defenceman Jonathan Sciacca. Both players were injured -- Peters has a broken ankle - while trying to cross a busy street in Windsor. The Frontenacs' games this weekend were cancelled, which is the right decision, and best wishes go out for a speedy recovery.

Still, what the hell? What possesses three young men, including 20-year-old assistant trainer Kurt Pearson, who was also injured, to apparently decide to cross a five-lane road against traffic in a busy section of Windsor? (All three were ticketed for jaywalking. This kind of stuff only happens to the Fronts.)

"They chose just to sprint across the road."
-- Staff Sgt. Stefan Kowal, Windsor police

Is it that bad being part of the Limestone City's Light Brigade? It's not funny, but it is just another reminder that if the Frontenacs didn't exist, Paul Quarrington would have to invent them.

At least the injuries were non-life-threatening, although Peters might be sidelined for quite a while. The Frontenacs aren't contending for the Memorial Cup, but that doesn't mean anyone wants to see them competing for the Darwin Awards.

Related:
Hockey players struck by car on Dougall (Windsor Star)

NICE TRY...

For those who haven't seen it, Fire Joe Morgan has a takedown of a particularly ignorant Toronto baseball columnist, so-called, for the theory he put forth last season that, wait for it, Moneyball thinking caused the spread of steroids in baseball.

There's no use in denouncing someone who is so naive that he apparently believes (a) history moves in such straight lines and (b) that anyone other than FJM, which has made this its schtick, is going waste her or his beautiful mind forming a rebuttal to something so cockamamie.

HOCKEY LAST NIGHT: LEAFS CLIP 'CANES

Apparently, you just run for an extended period....

Leafs 4 Hurricanes 1: In 3, 2, 1... and we Leafs fans are back to our insufferable selves for the next couple days unless they fall on their asses big-time tonight at MSG vs. the Rangers (which ain't happenin', by the way). Nik Antropov, no doubt inspired by his countrymen's 52-1 rout of Thailand at the Asian Games, scored twice, and 'Canes goalie Cam Ward probably did pretty well to keep the Leafs to four goals. It's only going to get harder from here, but the Leafs are 5-2 on an eight-game stretch where we said they needed to win at least six.

Senators 3 Capitals 2: Sorry, folks, tonight we are totally bourqued when it comes to making snarky comments about the franchise formerly known as Mud. Nice win, Martin Gerber played half-decently, Jason Spezza scored... yawn.

Sabres 7 Bruins 1: Anyone shocked to see this score... anyone? Buffalo snapped out of its funk... now, if only they could play the Bruins every other game until April.

Flames 4 Kings 1: Craig Conroy gets two for his new/old team against his old team, and there's a chance he could play in 85 games this season. Can't you feel the excitement?

Sharks 3 Stars 2 (overtime): Ouch for San Jose and Mike Ribeiro's goal jump-starts a Dallas comeback and Philippe Boucher ties with with 2.2 seconds left.

NHL Scoreboard

Rant: Did anyone notice that James Mirtle had a blog entry yesterday -- the latest of several -- on Gare Joyce's superb book When The Lights Went Out and then Sportsnet's Jim Lang just happened to have a post on the same book hours later? The book explores the infamous 1987 Piestany Punch-Up, whose 20th anniversary was four weeks ago tomorrow, yet Lang talks about it as if the book hasn't even hit the stores yet.

What's his next blog post going to be on? This new baseball book, Moneyball? (Or should that be Ball Four?) This hot new band, the White Stripes? Or the "best new comedy on TV, Arrested Development."

Headlines: Stevie Y to serve as GM for Team Canada at '07 Worlds; MPs applaud Ken Dryden (but don't worry, they timed the ovation with a stopwatch to make sure it didn't take too long, lest anyone feel put out); AAA minor hockey is coming to Ottawa/Kingston;

Today's better games: Leafs-Rangers, 7:30; Coyotes-Ducks, 10; Blue Jackets-Oilers, 10 (the return of Ty Conklin?).

HOMETOWN BREAKDOWN

Of all the Gump Worsley tributes we've read, Kingston Whig-Standard sportswriter Pat Kennedy's retrospective on the Hall of Famer's stint as a Kingston Frontenacs goaltending coach is one of the best.

Previous: Goodbye Gumper (Jan. 28)

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.

50 BOOKS!

Well, last night, sometime during the second half of the Hockey Night in Canada doubleheader, the year's goal of reading 50 books -- "start to finish, and in that order," in the immortal words of George Costanza -- during the calendar year of 2006 was completed.

No. 49 was Doubting Yourself To The Bone by Alberta-based author Thomas Trofimuk, which is a fairly good second novel about a widower putting his life back together. It was good enough to pique my interest in seeking out Trofimuk's debut, The 52nd Poem, and hopefully read it at some point mid-year, not at the end when it's a race against the clock to meet a self-imposed deadline.

A work of fiction about a man adrift in mid-life was a segue into No. 50, Liberal leadership also-ran Bob Rae's updated paperback edition of The Three Questions: Prosperity and the Public Good, first published in '98.

So, like with a 50-goal scorer in the NHL, once you've read 50 books in a year, apparently you'll be expected to do so every year. Great. More pressure.

Happy New Year.

Related: Review of Doubting Yourself To The Bone (Quill & Quire)

Talk to you... in 2007. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.

OH, BUT I'M USING MY WHOLE ASS

Just finished Hope in Hell: Inside the World of Doctors Without Borders by Dan Bortolotti on the bus ride home. That's Book No. 48 on the year, so I have three days left to finish two other tomes for an even 50.

Basically, like anything else I've embarked on in my, uh, 29-plus years on this planet, it's going to be a last-minute rush job.