Top 5: And that's why you can stay so long ...

Corner Gas' writers have always mined the world of sports and competition for laughs throughout the show's run, which ends tonight (7:30 Saskatchewan time on CTV). Like King Of The Hill, it's always understood the way people in small towns can get caught up in some good old-fashioned healthy competition, as a way to help pass the time.

It's captured the fun of fandom, like the time Brent Leroy dressed up in his full Saskaman grab to show his devotion to the Roughriders — and weirds out 'Riders players Gene Makowsky and Matt Dominguez when they stop at The Ruby for lunch with a couple tickets to an upcoming game. It got into the drama of human competition when Brent and Karen went head-to-head in an eight-game Summit Series of table hockey.

As a way of giving thanks, here's the shows top five sports-themed episodes. It's not meant as definitive. Really, it's supposed to be random, like the show itself.

"Bend It Like Brent" (Season 6)

Brent and Lacey start trying to outdo each other after signing up as co-sponsors for a youth soccer team coached by Davis Quinton, the local RCMP officer. It's worth it since it takes the piss out of both soccerphobes and the pretensions of footy fans. When Davis corrects Lacey for saying soccer instead of football, she asks him, "What's the word for someone who uses British expressions even though they aren't British?" ... "A wanker." ... "Good to know." There's also:

"Brent, who's your favourite football team?"
"That's easy, the 'Riders."
"No, I mean football."
"Oh, the Minnesota Vikings."
"No, I mean in England."
"Oh, that would be a tie between the Manchester I Don't Give A Craps and the London Not A Real Sports."

A tension soon develops between the co-sponsors. Lacey wants the team to win at all costs, whereas Brent wants to give them candy even when they lose.

"Face Off" (Season 1)

Ignore the fact that having the prim-and-proper female lead emerge as an unlikely ringer ripped off a Cheers episode where the gang challenged Garry's Old Town Tavern in bowling. (In the Cheers episode, Diane Chambers emerges as the bar's best bowler — she took a class in it at college since she needed a phys-ed credit and you could read between frames.)

The Dog River Riverdogs hockey team is beyond hopeless, but the scores they lose by are never too embarrassing thanks to the goaltending of Brent, which means they never have to try too hard. However, Dog River's rival, Stonewood, is urging him to defect to their side ahead of an upcoming showdown,, forcing Brent to choose between playing with friends and actually having a chance to win a game. Lacey, though, saves the day by stepping in as the team's first coach. "A lot of teams have coaches now," reasons Brent. "Even in the NHL."



Lacey's infusion of strategy helps Dog River eke out a 1-1 tie. "Ha-ha," Brent tells the Stonewood players. "You suck just as much as we do."

"At The Good Old Table Hockey Game" (Season 4)

Hockey is not the national sport, contrary to popular belief. It's road hockey. When Davis buys a vintage table-top hockey game for the police detachment and discovers Karen is a god with the rods, table hockey becomes the local obsession.

Before long, thanks to Davis and Wanda's big yaps, Brent and his old-time, dump-it-in-the-corner style is put up against Karen's crisp, precise passing attack in an eight-game series — four in Brent's parents' basement, four at the cop shop. Lacey is the only one who doesn't get caught up in it, until Wanda informs her, "It's not a game — it's a way of life. Think of those little metal kids growing up on little metal farms."





"Slow Pitch" (Season 2)

Makes the list for the name of the gang's beer-league ball team — the Corner Gas Guzzlers — and the game they make out of hiding their open alcohol from Karen and Davis, since they don't want the two cops to issue citations for drinking in public. It turns out the cops are fully aware of the drinking and don't care, but appreciate their friends making the effort.

"I Love Lacey" (Season 1)

Better known as The One Where They Don't Go To The Grey Cup. A series of flashbacks relate how the gang from Dog River had tickets to attend the CFL championship game, which is being played in Regina. A series of unfortunate events conspire to keep Emma and Wanda, Brent and Lacey, Hank and Oscar and Karen and Davis from making it to Taylor Field. However, none of them have ever let on to the others that they missed the game — or questioned why it was 20 Celsius and sunny on a late-November Grey Cup Sunday in Saskatchewan.

And look at the way they invert the everyman fantasy of making time with a beautiful girl while wearing a shirt supporting your favourite football team:

Call them the Saskatoon Dragons

This will probably happen around the same time Jim Balsillie is attending NHL board of governors' meetings, but nevertheless, fun thought from lovable Calgary billionaire, Brett Wilson:

"(CFL commissioner) Mark Cohon and I have had coffee a couple times and I love what he's trying to do in terms of building that brand, but Ottawa is too far away and Halifax doesn't make sense to me.

"But if they ever thought about letting Saskatoon have a team, I'd sure like to partner with the group that buys that. I know that would burn a few bridges in the north and south. The reality is the fan base in southern Saskatchewan is strong enough to support the 'Riders. Could it be divided and could a second team survive there? Oh, there'd be some kicking and squawking and screaming, but you know, once upon a time a group of scientists were certain the world was flat and they were proven wrong. I think it could be done." — Sun Media

Wilson was on the CBC show Dragon's Den, that's the joke. You are aware that the CBC airs 158½ hours a week of programming in between the Hockey Night in Canada doubleheaders and the late-night rebroadcasts that they show instead of old movies (which had been one of its endearing qualities).

It will never happen, another team in Western Canada where the CFL's heart beats strongest. It is far better to take another go at Ottawa.

By the way, did everyone see the recent Corner Gas where Lacey Burrows said she'd been a big fan of the Roughriders, "ever since they moved from Ottawa?" Brilliant.

Related:
Another CFL team in Saskatchewan?; Calgary billionaire not just interested in Preds. He'd love to bring a football club to Saskatoon (Eric Francis, Sun Media)

Snark break...

Year-end lists and best-ofs are pointless busywork, that's why.

The NHL might hold its awards show in Las Vegas. You just know someone will end up winning the Phoenix Coyotes in a craps game.

James Mirtle's suggested lyrics for the Barenaked Ladies' version of The Hockey Theme:

Chickity China, the Chinese chicken
The TSN execs' brains stopped tickin'
Bought the song for a cool $2-mil
Didn't ruin it — but they soon will

You know what was most amusing part of taking in Russia's 8-1 World Juniors win over Slovakia? The Russians scored to make it 7-1 with 4½ minutes left and then there was a mass exodus for the exits. It was as if everyone still thought Slovakia might make a comeback.

The MLB Network launches today and it's already in more U.S. homes than the NFL Network. in Canada, thought, it's a shutout for football.

Mike Shanahan was fired by the Denver Broncos. It's hard to believe that could happen to a coach who has won one playoff game in the past 10 seasons.

Mats Sundin sure knows how to make a declarative statement: "I'm going to do what I can to help the team get into the playoffs." Ya, that will give the Canucks a return on their investment.

God bless Scott Burnside at ESPN.com for making a comparison you would never hear from a hockey writer in Canada:

"Early on, the (world junioor) tournament is reminiscent of the women's international slate, which features a small group of teams that are committed to the sport (and thus to producing competitive squads) along with a bunch of others that show up simply because the International Ice Hockey Federation tells them they must."

By the way, anyone who watched any of the third period of Canada's first two games is hereby obligated to start watching the next women's world championship. It's only fair.

"Not so much" is on the list of banished words and phrases. Wait, someone still says that?

(Personal opinion: "Race card" should have been retired long ago. Oh, it would be nice if your race was just something you pulled out of your pocket when it was convenient. Only white people could come up with race card.)

This post is worth nothing, but this is worth noting

• Regina football writer Rob Vanstone has a book due out soon on the 1966 Saskatchewan Roughriders. That team was so special that the franchise decided to go another 23 years before it won a second Grey Cup, lest it crowd the legacy of the first-timers.
  
  (Right after Ron Lancaster's death this fall, CBC aired an old Life & Times profile of the Little General. He recalled an old joke. "They say in Saskatchewan, there are four seasons, and the wind blows in the winter, the spring and the summmer -- and in the fall, Lancaster blows playoff games.")
• After reading this, you might want to make the Rice Owls your college football team.
  

Someone plans to rock the Tre Kroner today at the Sweden-Russia game at the World Juniors. See you in 2009.

But how will God watch his favourite CFL team

Or, Saskatchewan's Quiet Revolution means putting a lid on it.

From the "dear God, no" files:

REGINA — The City of Regina is examining the possibility of building a domed facility to replace Mosaic Stadium.

Shame on those Prairie pragmatists for recognizing their right to economic self-determinism and to not freeze their assets, while some toasty-warm Easterners sits in his living room gazing at the televised winter wonderland. Nevertheless, Sasky is getting carried away with this being a have province -- what's that? asks the guy sitting in Ottawa on Day 1 of a transit strike. The kicker is that a dome in Regina became reality, the folks out there in what can no longer be called Next Year Country probably won't make a fuss.

They're way too reasonable. The masochists among the NFL fans, in Buffalo and Green Bay, they can go around acting like it's a sign of character to sit outdoors for 3½ hours. In Saskatchewan, it might be like, if you could afford to not be outdoors on a Sunday afternoon in November, why would you not? Granted, the feelling might be different if the 'Riders hadn't gone two decades in between home playoff games.

Anyway, this is yet another example why the 'Riders are the chosen team. Some of you might argue that the Edmonton Eskimos, based on the number of championships they have won over the past three-plus decades, are God's team (if so, they have been forsaken for the past few years -- all together now, Maciocia!), but no, the 'Riderville suits a higher power perfectly: They're full of suffering and true believers.

(Everything Mr. Sager knows of Saskatchewan comes from having a colleague of work who's from near Fort Qu'Appelle, along with Corner Gas reruns.)

Related:
Regina could be home of the dome (Murray McCormick, Saskatchewan StarPhoenix)

Snark break ...

As you were down at the free clinic, getting shots for Nerd Flu...

A strip club is opening in Seattle just 400 feet away from Safeco Field, the Mariners' stadium. The cab drivers in Seattle must be ticked -- now a trip to the rippers is walking distance for the ballplayers.

Former Nashville Predators owner Boots Del Biaggio, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman's buddy, was slapped with federal charges in the U.S. on the same day Sean Avery was on the carpet in New York City for "conduct detrimental to hockey." That's irony on a base level.

If Del Biaggio ends up in white-collar resort prison, please don't refer his spouse, Kristen, as "sloppy seconds." You wouldn't like Gary Bettman when he's angry!

(How about, as Kurtenblog noted, what about Avery being the front-page story on NHL.com, using a to drive traffic? Hypocritical, much?)

"Unlike before the internet when the only publication professional sports clubs controlled was the game program (unless they owned a newspaper writer or two), teams today have a powerful and wide-reaching outlet — their website — that they can dress up as an objective journalism operation, which can be subsequently employed to boost revenue.

"In a somewhat related story, it's interesting that despite the NHL deeming Sean Avery's infamous remarks on Tuesday in Calgary "detrimental to the league and the game of hockey," the league's website - which the NHL is relying on to create buckets of cash in the near future — seems to be taking full advantage of the publicity that the incident has created."

The San Francisco Giants gave Edgar Renteria a two-year contract for $18.5 million yesterday. They had to waive their age requirement for a starting middle infielder — Renteria only turned thirty-three last summer.

More great headlines that cannot be written: "Another J.P. to boo at Rogers Centre."

From Demetri Martin: "I think statues are wonderful. They show what great people would look like if pigeons shit all over them."

Former Saskatchewan Roughriders QB Steve Sarkisian might be the new coach of the Washington Huskies. Washington was 0-11 this season, so wouldn't a former Ottawa Rough Riders QB be better equipped to take over that team?

This has nothing to do with sports, but it might be the all-time greatest Kids In The Hall sketch:



This post is worth nothing, but this is worth noting:

• Former Dallas Cowboy quarterback Quincy Carter's new team is, wait for it, the Rio Grande Valley Dorados.
• Minor League Ball has a look at the Blue Jays farm system, good reading for everyone who thinks J.P. Ricciardi should just be out signing some free agents, any free agents.
• Kurtenblog has a how-to for the Teddy Bear Toss event that many junior hockey teams hold. Alas, the Ottawa 67's already had theirs, while Kingston Frontenacs fans should be throwing lumps of coal.
  
  This actually happened ... a group of us, which included a couple people who had never been to a hockey game, had Halifax Mooseheads tickets. We showed up about five minutes into the first period, not knowing the Teddy Bear Toss was on, and entered the concourse at the Metro Centre right at the moment the Mooseheads scored. As the teddy bears rained down, we had to assure one person that this was not a regular thing.
• This one's for faithful commenter, OttawaFan: An update on what CFL legend Hal Patterson, now 77,as been up to lately.

Much more important things to tackle -- the dancing punter

No doubt a few people are worried about a political crisis, but there are other important matters today.

Namely, getting the conceded safety out of Canadian football. Three-down devotees know the drill. A team is backed up inside its own 20-yard line on third down and Sudbury (fist jab: Tim Micallef). Instead of kicking it away and setting the other team with a short field, the punter takes the snap, backpedals, backpedals, backpedals, until he's forced to either slide to the ground or step out of bounds -- the gridiron equivalent of watching grass grow. And no one seems too nonplussed about why teams get away with this non-play instead of actually playing football.

The punishment, having to kick off from the 30-yard line, the same as after a regular scoring play, or having the other team take possession at its 35-yard line, doesn't fit the crime. Rob Vanstone at the Saskatoon StarPhoenix had a great idea that should be looked at:

"Translation: Boring! To create a disincentive, require any team that concedes a safety to kick off from its 20-yard line. Or give the other team two points and possession at midfield.

Vanstone's piece is worth a read -- he also argues for the elimination of the extra-point kick.

The CFL can stand to jazz up its game and encourage more punt returns and scoring. The Grey Cup was a well-played game, with less than 100 yards in penalties between Calgary and Montreal, but it was also a boring field-goal battle. Canadians would like a return to the razzle-dazzle CFL, along with the return of a stable government. They just have a lot better chance of getting the first one.

Related:
Handy hints to improve the CFL game (Saskatoon StarPhoenix)

Snark break ... feting the king of Kings

Does anyone else see the resemblance between Keith Olbermann and our own Tyler King? Me neither. One is obsessed with baseball, will argue with his own shadow, but ultimately has the truth on his side and has the talent to always get the point across, damn the torpedoes.

The other one is on MSNBC.

It is Tyler's birthday today, a rather significant one not so much for the age he's turning but for that fact that it marks a full 365 days of kicking ass and really wishing that CFRC 101.9 FM (cfrc.ca), home of Kingston's most-listened-to hour-long show, Offsides (Fridays at 4, people!) would hire him an assistant to take down the names, although Rob Carnell does yeoman's work. Tyler, at this point, would normally point that should be 366 days since 2008 is a leap year. There had to be at least one day when he took a break. There had to be. Thus it's right. End of story.

Tyler has been an invaluable to Out of Left Field's stable of athletic supporters, as a writer, commenter, promoter. He has humoured favoured yours truly by having me on Offsides . It is flattering to get the "blogger extraordinaire" billing each week and great fun to lob the occasional word grenade his way. He handles it like a champ.

Tyler would rather have it not be known what birthday he's celebrating. It's the number made famous by Roberto Clemente, the one that enables him to legally enter the Mohawk Gaming Casino in Awkesasne, New York (Dances With Focus Groups for suggesting a way to slide a plug in there seamlessly). He shouldn't be shy.

Just wait until you're looking at turning Magic Johnson's number. On with the dumb jokes...

It's been Deadspinned, but the poor sportsmanship award of the year goes to the coach who ordered one of his players to drill the opposing kicker -- who also happened to be a stud quarterback.

River Phoenix is quitting acting. In a related story, Vince Vaughn plans to start acting.

"Gordie Howe hat trick" is high on the Cliché Watch. Quebec icon Maurice Richard got a NHL award named for him, but Saskatchewan icon Gordie Howe's name is put on a non-feat accomplished by third-liners such as Ian Laperriere. C'est la vie!

It's no joke, except on Gary Bettman: The Florida Panthers just laid off 10 front office employees. (Things are tough all over.)

Early '90s Saturday Night Live cast member Victoria Jackson -- still alive! -- wrote on her blog -- actually exists! -- that Barack Obama "bears traits that resemble the anti-Christ and I'm scared to death that un-educated people will ignorantly vote him into office." This is the funniest thing she's ever done.

This post is worth nothing, but this is worth noting:

• Kingston's own Rob Bagg literally had a hand in Luca Congi's great season kicking the football for the Saskatchewan Roughriders.
• Please read Jeff Blair's takedown of Bud Selig over Game 5 of the World Series becoming a farcical aquatic ceremony. The column was absolutely nails.

Snark break ... Freud said it best: Ah, to be Jung again!

More great headlines that cannot be written: "If you liked Oliver Twist, you'll enjoy seeing Dick squirm."**

Apparently a big early-season plotline on Friday Night Lights is a quarterback controversy. Did the show's writers bring in Argonauts president Keith Pelley as a script doctor?

(It's not a spoiler. In the words of Russell Peters, "Greetings, you filthy downloaders!")

Hey, Coming Down The Pipe!, the bad headline is our not-that-funny trope. "Dalyn Flette Takes One in the Jung-k!", indeed!

(Dalyn Flette is the goalie for the WHL's Edmonton Oil Kings. He has not been getting the job done, apparently, so they traded for Torrie Jung. That's the joke.)

There are 383 Leave Sarah Palin Alone videos on YouTube.

Now, that was written before seeing the interview with Brian Williams on NBC ... you know the scene in Ferris Bueller's Day Off where Jennifer Grey is in the cop shop, and as soon as the camera pans to Charlie Sheen, you start laughing? That was exactly what it was like the first time John McCain appeared on screen during that interview.

("If that's not qualified, what is qualified" : 2008 :: "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job" : was to 2005.)

The late Tim Russert might be controlling the Buffalo Bills' fortunes from the great beyond. Hey, it's long been suspected that Mackenzie King runs the Toronto Maple Leafs from the spirit world.

This post is worth nothing, but this worth noting

• Poz on J.P. Ricciardi's, uh, enigmatic approach to the Blue Jays roster management: "To be fair, the Jays did end up winning 86 games, thanks to a league-leading 3.49 ERA. But man, I just do not get what they're trying to do up there."
  
  This came hours before Ricciardi had a commitment ceremony for Marco Scutaro as potential starting shortstop in 2009. Scutaro does not hit enough to justify his glove. The subtext is that Rogers has shut off the spigot and the Jays will not up payroll, especially with a dropping Canadian dollar.
  
  Really, though, it has the air of George Costanza trying to gift-wrap a scholarship for an short, stocky, slow-witted underachieved who also wanted to pretend he was an architect. "With a little guidance, Marco Scutaro is going to be everything I claim to be, for real."
  
  It is times like that where you forget that Ricciardi is a moderately compotent GM.
• Cox Bloc is not happy that Kelvington, Saskatchewan, has not honoured Wendel Clark, the greatest hockey player's hockey player of all time. (Well, actually, that would be another Saskatchewan boy, some guy named Howe.)

**By the way, Mr. Pound? That CYB quote you gave, "It just means that they were societies that to Europeans were in the wilderness ... It's not derogatory." How can it not be derogatory when those societies were devastated by a genocide perpetrated by those very Europeans? Just saying.

R.I.P., Little General: Ron Lancaster's era a nice place to revisit

Between Bob Ackles in July and Ron Lancaster today, it's been a very tough year for CFL legends.

Lancaster's death is a reminder that the CFL and Canadian sports will never again have anyone like the Little General, who lost his fight with cancer today at age 69. There will be always be very good quarterbacks who come to the CFL, walk humble and seem unprepossessing. Anthony Calvillo comes to mind but he could never matter to as many Canadians across the country the way Ron Lancaster will forevermore.

People should mourn the man and keep his family and friends in their thoughts first, second and third. Lancaster's death gives pause to reflect on how difficult it is in Canada to have whose best work comes on Canadian soil. That's a part of the mourning. He was above us and he walked among us in a way no one can now.

We know much to deify a CFL player. At the other end of the spectrum, the great Canadian sports figures today, all the guys in the NHL, along with the likes of Steve Nash, Kara Lang or Justin Morneau, each do their thing in the U.S., so there's not the same familiarity.

As much as people are reflecting on Lancaster's careers as a Grey Cup-winning quarterback who threw for 50,535 yards, coach, CBC commentator and team executive, that's something else to reflect upon. To a generation which only knew him as a player thanks to the Grey Cup Classics that CBC used to run during the build-up to the CFL's championship game, Lancaster best evokes a bygone era. When you want to take people back in time to that era of Canadian sport, mentioning Ron Lancaster does the trick.

This is, for all its flaws, is a fairly golden age in sports. The digital revolution has basically made it possible to follow any athlete, any team, in any league -- if you decided you were going to abjure all other sports and only follow the Swedish Elite League or a small-college NCAA football team (how 'bout them Montana Grizzlies!), chances are some of your friends would nod in understanding. They might actually applaud your attempts to simplify, man.

What does this have to do with Ron Lancaster? There's so much opportunity to know so much as a sports fan. Frankly it can be off-putting if you think too much about the futility of trying to keep up with everything, especially if you take pride in not having to check sports scores first thing every morning. (You check them before bed, silly.)

That's why the passing of Ron Lancaster is not so much a chance to wax nostalgic for the good old days of the CFL, especially as someone who wasn't there. It's more of a desire to have what Canadian football nuts seemingly had in the heyday of Lancaster, Russ Jackson, George Reed, Ronnie Stewart, Angelo Mosca and the greatest generation of Canadian football legends who played from the dawn of the 1960s through the early '70s.

They knew that as a sports fan in Canada who liked football, you could set your watch to seeing Ron Lancaster, No. 23 with the single-bar facemask, under the centre for the Saskatchewan Roughriders on a September afternoon. They knew you could call him Canada's answer to Johnny Unitas (both were from the same part of the U.S., Lancaster from Ohio, Johnny U from Western Pennsylvania) without it seeming like an overreach from a second-rater.

As well, in an era when the salaries in the CFL and NFL were actually comparable, you knew he wasn't settling or looking at the CFL as a way station. Not unlike Jack Donahue, the long-time national team basketball coach, or Michael "Pinball" Clemons nowadays, Canadians had a special place. An Ameri-Canadian -- born in the U.S., but born to make his mark here -- is a special validation that although we can't match the U.S. for glitz, glam and over-the-top hyberbole, we're just as good.

From this vantage point, there must have been great comfort in having that kind of certainty. The roughly 2,000 or so remembrances that will be written across this country over the next day or two will certainly be full of first-person anecdotes, reflections on Lancaster's impact on the Canadian game, the records, the Grey Cups.

There was a shared experience taking place. It's quite possible it was just as cliche then to say that the entire country came to a standstill for Grey Cup, just as it doesn't today. In the sports world that existed before NFL Sunday Ticket, you could watch the Grey Cup knowing that was the first choice for most people who were watching football that day. No one was saying, in a somewhat guilty tone, "OK, I guess I'll watch the Grey Cup."

No one was guilted into trying to be a good Canadian (not that anyone should feel guilty if they watch the NFL instead). Back then, though, the CFL was the first choice, with good reasons.

There's no desire to go back to those days. However, along with celebrating the man, please reflect on how Ron Lancaster was important because everyone understood what Ron Lancaster did. He was the Little General. People probably learned how to do math problems by figuring out his completion percentage, even though he was the one who said statistics are for losers if you didn't win.

He belonged to Canada in a way that no CFL player ever could again.

Related:
CFL legend dies at age 69 (Canwest News Service)

Snark break ...

The gauntlet has been thrown down ... for today's edition, every item is a variation on "Riddle me this." ...

... How is that in 1980, Canada and the U.S. boycotted the Olympics in a Communist country because a nation was occupying Afghanistan; but in 2008, Canada and U.S. are attending the Olympics in a Communist country despite occupying Afghanistan?

... How is that anyone believes that Barry Bonds will show up in San Fran on Saturday?

... How is that in Alberta, that republic of outlaws loosely allied with the rest of Canada, Edmonton politicians are looking for public financing for a new arena for the Oilers? Strangely enough, all those other loser provinces which are teeming with tax-and-spend socialist sandal-wearers managed to build new NHL arenas with almost 100% private money. (Glove tap to the Battle of Alberta.)

How can it be that God lives in Saskatchewan ... when the matchless Little General, Ron Lancaster, is fighting cancer and the Saskatchewan Roughriders' best receiver, Matt Dominguez, has a career-ending injury?

(Digression: Please don't take this as an attempt to make light of something that is very real and very scary for Lancaster, his family and anyone who loves the CFL and the people who made it great.

Laughter is the best medicine, right? It's a corny joke, but you can just scroll down to where the italicization ends. A Saskatchewan farmer dies and goes to heaven ... as he's being taken around, it's explained to him that in heaven, everyone gets to pretend to be whoever he or she wants to be.

They pass a hockey rink where a man dressed in a Montreal Canadiens No. 9 sweater is shooting pucks into a net. "That man is from Quebec," the farmer is told. "He thinks he's Maurice Richard."

At the other end of the ice, a figure in a Boston Bruins sweater is weaving around the ice. "That man is from Parry Sound. He thinks he's Bobby Orr."

They walk a bit more until they pass a field where a man in a green-and-white Saskatchewan Roughriders uniform, flowing beard protruding over his single-bar facemask, is throwing a football through an old tire.

"That's God. He thinks he's Ron Lancaster.")

... How is that Kingston Frontenacs GM-for-life Larry Mavety can look visionary? The OHL might pull out of junior hockey's import draft. That wouldn't change a thing for the Frontenacs, who haven't participated in it for years.

(Ottawa 67's coach Brian Kilrea says, "Some GMs and owners feel they are being manipulated by the entire process." Now they know how the players feel. Picture Boon and Otter in Animal House. "He can't do that to our pledges!" ... "Only we can do that to our pledges.")

... How is that Paris Hilton could come off as more politically astute than Sen. John McCain's campaign team?

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Great job, Senator McCain. You just let Ms. Hilton hit the reset button on her 15 minutes.

... last but not least, via ShysterBall, how can a building feature "rustic, urban architecture" when rustic and urban are two completely different things?

(Short answer: The thesaurus feature on Microsoft Word exists so dumb people can try to sound important. Not that I'm accusing anyone of that. I'm fired, aren't I? Oh yeah. Well, I don't even really work here. That's what makes this so difficult.)

(Clip via Deus Ex Malcontent.)

CIS Corner: Bagg gets his knee dirty...

The latest out of the Paris of the Prairies is that Rob Bagg, the former Queen's receiver, will be the holder for the Saskatchewan Roughridgers.

Getting on special teams is one way to be guaranteed a spot on the dress roster. It also means more TV time for Bagg when the 'Riders — they're 5-0, in case you can't hear the crowing all the way from Regina — play Calgary on Friday.

(If they were playing Edmonton — can we get a Maciocia! — the kick holder would get a lot of camera time.)

This is important. During Saskatchewan's Week 4 win over Montréal, it seemed like whenever a shot of 'Riders coach Ken Miller appeared on the screen, a youngish-looking player wearing No. 6 would just happen to be in camera range.

Former Western star Andy Fantuz, who unfortunately for the 'Riders and for us CIS aficionados, broke his left tibula on Sunday vs. the Argos, had been doing the holding. It's a shame, since Fantuz is right on the cusp of completing the classic Canadian tradition from wide receiver in university to a move-the-sticks slotback in the pros who's dangerous after the catch. He looked ready to give B.C.'s Jason Clermont a run for his money as the best Canadian slotback in the West.

The 'Riders receiving corps is like a M*A*S*H unit these days — they had a quarterback lining up at wideout in practice the other day — so Bagg will get some reps on offence, too.

As Bucholtz notes in the comments, fellow Kingstonian and Gaels alum Matt Kirk could be in line for more playing time with the B.C. Lions this week. Their starting D-tackle, Tyrone Williams, is nicked up.

Watch the CFL long enough, and you'll see everything

What happened to the Hamilton Tiger-Cats on Sunday was unspeakably cruel, yet somehow deserved. Isn't that always the way when the hard-done-by Hammer is concerned.

To an average football watcher weaned more on watching the NFL and NCAA than the CFL, it's sheer lunacy that a team can retain possession after the ballcarrier fumbled the ball through the end zone. The referees apparently got the call right, but that doesn't mean the CFL shouldn't examine the rule in the off-season. As a sidenote, as the league to the south knows, it's not bad for business when it seems like one team gets ripped off. This should be a talker over the next few days.

It's not on YouTube yet, so let's set up for anyone who hasn't seen the play. In the final minute of a one-point game, Saskatchewan's Weston Dressler caught a first-down pass and broke into the clear, with nothing but white stripes between him and a go-ahead score. Hamilton's Jykkine Bradley caught up to him and stripped the ball an eye-blink before Dressler could extend it across the goal line. The ball skips through the end zone.

In the States, it's a touchback. On the merit of the play, the Tiger-Cats should have had possession and a chance to run out the clock. Instead, thanks to those oddball Canadian rules, the 'Riders kept the ball, since apparently they had the last touch. On the next play, Wes Cates plunged over from the 1 for the 33-28 victory.

The point is, rules in sports are supposed to reward or punish a team in proportion to the act. Saskatchewan getting the ball back after a fumble -- skill-position players in football know it's a fate worse than death (only slightly embellishing) to fumble near the goal line -- is a head-scratcher. It was the right call. For now.

That being said, it was kind of karmic. Hamilton couldn't contain Saskatchewan's third-string QB, Darian Durant, and a complete lapse by their pass defence allowed Dressler to break free in the first place. Jesse Lumsden ran 19 times for 137 yards, but if he hadn't lost a fumble at Saskatchewan's 20-yard line in the third quarter, or if his offensive line had given him a chance to pick up a second-and-2 with 1:31 left in the game, the game might never have come down to that play.

Meantime, the other No. 1 overall draft choice on the Ticats, slotback Chris Bauman, the former Regina Rams star, had 90 yards receiving on eight catches in his season debut. That rated a post over at The CIS Blog.