International court to hear case of 'Rubber vs. Glue'

Please avoid the folly of taking unserious people seriously.

That story you heard about the four goofs on Fox News -- each one of whom is about as funny as a instructional video on how to clean a clarinet -- mocking the Canadian Forces, should be water off a duck's back. Sure, it's infuriating on some level, but you should take comfort knowing that, whatever Americans say about our military, at least our banks aren't a joke.

(Incidentally, think it's really host Greg Gutfeld on Twitter? "My apologies to the Canadian military, they probably could at least beat the Belgians."



Anyway, Doug Benson, the goof who says, "I didn't even know they were in the war ... I thought that was where you went if you didn't want to fight," is due to perform in Edmonton next week, April 2-5, according to his MySpace page (over age 16, and he has a MySpace page?). Thankfully for him, there are no military personnel based near Edmonton.

It seems best to invoke the Haisuk rule, even speaking as the grandson of a World War II veteran. Don't get riled up and run the risk of legitimizing some twitbag without working the Google on the Internet machine for 10-15 minutes and finding out where they're coming from.

The one twit, Bill Schulz, going by his MySpace, thinks it's the height of hilarity to list his occupation as "registered sex offender." He would probably say, "where's your sense of humour?", the usual reflex of promoters of self (et tu, Sagert?) who bring little to the table beyond a boundless ego. However, if that's what you think is funny and cheeky, where is your sense of humour, sir?

Point being, Schulz and the host, Greg Gutfeld, are former editors at Stuff and Maxim magazines. (One wonders how that can be justified when Fox News is so closely allied with the Republican Party and its family-values agenda, but bear in mind, some people are conservative just because they want taxes cut, criminals brutalized, and be ruled like a king by someone who is part Santa Claus, part Genghis Khan.)

That's not meant to dismiss people's opinions out of hand based on where they work, since regular readers know where I work.

However, you should take solace in knowing there is no virtue in being the idiot with the shrillest opinion in the room, even if in weak moments, you wonder that the real dopes are the ones who bother trying to have the most considered opinions. That's how you end up with that walking advertisement for Queen's University, Ashleigh Banfield, getting paid, and paid well, to advance the numbbrained argument that teenagers should be charged with felonies for sending lurid text messages ("sexting," as it's known in the buzzword-obsessed media). Well done, Ms. Banfield. You're aware, no doubt, that efforts to legislate moral behaviour have almost never worked in North America.

Ultimately, the beauty of this age is there are so entertainment options that you can safely ignore the ones who nothing to contribute. That would seems to apply to those who appear on Fox News at 3 in the morning, when God knows who's watching (since the stoners who are usually up at that hour are probably all in jail, thanks to the War on Drugs).

The only nauseating aspect is seeng that Americans have this notion of Canada as a bunch of namby-pambies. That might speaks to how we teach high school history in this country. People come though our education system not knowing what we've done in wars and thinking all we've ever done is play peacekeeper.

For anyone from the States reading this, it is cold, hard fact that Canada entered both world wars before the U.S. and suffered more casualties on a per-capita basis. We didn't join in Vietnam or the Iraq conquest because those countries were no threat to us or you for that matter (several Canadians, as individuals, fought in Vietnam). To Canadians, remember, water off a duck's back.

The universe tends to unfold exactly as it should. This too shall pass and in time, hopefully so will Fox News' chances at relevance. Meantime, do what you will with Greg Gutfeld's Wiki.

Takes one to know one: Two minutes for unoriginality!

Anyone who uses a word such as "breastophobic" shouldn't get the time of day.

One is loath to link to something which has been Deadspinned. Long story short, it's hard not to laugh like hell seeing the American reaction to some Vancouver columnist named Mark Hasiuk calling the NBA "ghetto garbage," especially after you read his eponymous website.

It all comes back to a basic principle of writing online, not to be a pedantic putz about the whole thing: Consider the source. Ten minutes of Googling reveals that Hasiuk, God love him, seems to be a big of fan of wingnut tropes. Siding with hatemongers on the principle of free speech? Check. Warning of Canada becoming a Third World country due to immigration and the erosion of a "Euro-centric" culture? Check. Invoking the slippery slope -- that's a classic -- whenever possible, such as in a column about a clothing store in Vancouver allowing customers to breastfeed on the premises:

"But what about H&M's duty to its other customers? The staunchly religious, whose particular sect forbids public nudity. The squeamish or breastophobic, who prefer a definitive line between off-the-rack retailer and nursery. What about their expectations of comfort?

"H&M also set a dangerous precedent and exposed itself to future aggrieved groups of all stripes and persuasions that may choose H&M outlets to practice their own brand of necessity. Imagine a group of Salafi Muslims kneeling before Allah in H&M's men's clothing section. Or a woebegone narcoleptic who seeks shelter at H&M for his afternoon nap."

He used the word breastophobic without even a hint of irony. Far be it to wonder why he would go from the phrase "dangerous precedent" to the image of Muslims kneeling for prayers. For Allah/Buddha/Christ's sake, even George W. Bush conceded that Islam is a religion of peace. Question: In exactly what scenario are a group of Muslims going to end up needing to pray "in a clothing store known for two-for-one T-shirts and Madonna-inspired design," in Haisuk's phrase?

Way to think it through, sir, while you were busy crawling up your own arse.

Believe it or not, this is written in sympathy. The writer in question seems to be a fairly young guy who hasn't learned two basic rules of opinion writing. One comes from Don Henley -- "the more I know, the less I understand." The other is from W.B. Yeats -- "the best lack all conviction, the worst are full of passionate intensity."

This is written with full awareness that it's hacky to fall back on someone else's pithy phrase to back up your own bias. Haisuk seems fond of it, and you have to communicate with people in language they understand.

It is amusing to see someone drag out the same tired stereotypes -- "NBA players wear saggy shorts, roll in posses and cuss on camera" -- and people become indignant. Consider the source. For pity's sake, the man called Allen Iverson the greatest basketball talent of his generation, which sort of overlooks Ray Allen, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Dwight Howard, Dwyane Wade, Brandon Roy and Dirk Nowitzki, who obviously grew up in the ghetto in Germany.

It's understandable if people in Canada turn up their noses at the NBA. The season runs concurrently with the NHL, where half the players and 20% of the teams are Canadian, as opposed to a handful of players and one team in Canada witht the NBA. That is plenty good reason to make a decision and say, hey, time is valuable, there's only enough of it to follow one league. That's acceptable, although could people please stop saying they "only like college basketball," it's annoying.

At the same time, don't hate on it and call it the "worst of America." Look at the NFL. It doesn't offer guaranteed contracts or look after players who leave the game with a permanent disability -- ask Brian DeMarco.

Boxers have nothing to fall back on once they're past their best-before dates -- no pension plan, nothing. Evander Holyfield is still fighting, that's obscene. Basketball players, starting from about age 12 or younger, get shuffled through high schools and colleges. They might end up with their degree in communications, but are on their own when it comes to how to learn (aren't we al). Michael Lewis' The Blind Side laid out the student-athlete hoax in big-time college football.

None of that is any reason to become NBA fan. The point is, get some perspective. As an entertaiment venture, the NBA is doing pretty well. It's hilarious someone would rather focus on the "thug culture" than on what Van City might have had if the Grizzlies had not left in 2001. They would have got to see Steve Nash play meaningful games in his home province. Chinese-Canadians would have had two visits a year from Yao Ming.

It's just too bad all those African-American players had to wear those saggy shorts, eh Mark?

Related:
NBA: a ghetto gutter run by money grubbers (Mark Hasiuk, Vancouver Courier)

Zen Dayley: False idols? Boz, kettle ...

Chances are, if you're of a certain age and sports leaning, you cut your teeth on Thomas Boswell's writing, and not necessarily just about baseball ... How Life Imitates The World Series ... Why Time Begins On Opening Day ... the 99 Reasons Why Baseball is Better Than Football column ... the columns after each of the Roberto Duran-Sugar Ray Leonard fights, which are anthologized everywhere ... the Playboy profile of Greg Maddux that was an introduction to one of Ralph Waldo Emerson's gems: "One man who has a mind and knows it can beat 10 who haven't and don't."

In other words, any other media-type of a certain vintage gets his Abe Simpson on over all these fandangled new baseball stats, you let it slide. It is beyond the pale when Boz is veheming against Albert Pujols (on-base plus slugging: 1.114) over the Philadelphia Phillies' Ryan Howard (OPS: .882) for National League MVP and that the L.A. Angels' Francisco Rodriguez, who wasn't even the most efficient closer in his league, should have won over in the AL.

"Earth to my baseball writing buddies: We all love the new numbers, but lets (sic) not worship false idols. When I published my Total Average numbers (in the early '80s), I'd always emphasize that while stats were wonderful, common sense was better. When stats WILDLY contradict common sense, always doubts the stats. In the case of the goofy gap between Pujols' VORP of 96.8 and Howard's 35.3, my reaction is 'Time to revisit VORP. If it can be this wrong, it's not as good as I tought it was.'

"It's said that, to a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail. To a modern baseball writer, unfortunately, reality often looks like an excuse to apply statistics and then torque our opinions to fit them."

"... you have to underline the obvious; for example, a first baseman with 146 RBI is 'more valuable,' especially when he plays on a first-place team, than a first baseman (Pujols) with 116 RBI on a fourth-place team.

"Don't analyze beyond that. True, Howard can't field (19 errors). And Pujols outhit him by .357 to .251. Howard strikes out a ton while Pujols walks constantly. But none of it outweighs Howard's RBI total, built on his .320 average with runners in scoring position. For what it's worth, Howard wasn't even in the top half dozen in baseball in runners-on-base when he came to the plate. His 146 RBI wasn't a fluke. He's Mr. Multi-Run Homer."

There are not enough hours in the day to figure out where everything should be arranged on the Scale of Hilarity.

1. Pujols hit .339 with runners in scoring position -- 19 points higher than Ryan Howard. Who's torquing the statistics, exactly?
2. Pujols drove in 79 of the 201 runners who were on second or third base when he batted -- 39.3%. Howard drove in 98 of 259 -- 37.8%. Howard had more RBI opportunities.
3. Two paragraphs after saying it doesn't matter that Howard "can't field" Boswell cites fielding in his argument for American League MVP: "(Justin) Morneau is just a first baseman." Uh, what other position does a National League team, with no DH, have for a 270-lb. man who throws left-handed?
4. As far as the Total Average stat Boswell created two decades ago goes, Bill James found out that when you figured out for entire teams, those who "actually scored 600 runs ranked ahead of those who scored 700." (The Mind of Bill James, pg. 52)
5. It is best to leave the closers-as-MVPs argument alone. It's a dead issue.

A truth is , as James himself put it in the days before almost everyone had a high-speed Internet connection and every bozo had a blog, "I would give a week's pay to have Boswell working at a K.C. newspaper. He's good."

Anyone who is the best at what he or she does learns to swing with the times, taking what's worked and blending in the new. To be quite honest, a lot of the stuff you see when you go down the rabbit hole (fist bump: Pete Toms) at Baseball Think Factory is way over my head. It seems like VORP and WPA/LI and the stats which have been established to evaluate fielders are best used to give context, to help figure out what to emphasis among the meat-and-potatoes numbers (home runs, ERA, on-base percentage and such) that most fans understand.

Give it time -- as my friend Neil Acharya points out, 20 years ago you never heard on-base percentage mentioned on a baseball telecast, now it's flashed on screen when a player comes to bat.

It takes time. One would have hoped that was true of such a giant of baseball writing. I can never watch Ken Burns' Baseball the same way again. Then again, this validates those among you who didn't watch it the first time.

(That bit of mid-19th century wiseassery from Emerson comes in handy when you work in the media, by the way. Poz, as commenter notes, handled this topic too, with considerably more élan.)

Someone almost became a personal hero, too bad he/she's so shy...

The gauntlet has been thrown down for the Anonymous Commenters Hall of Fame.

This one is the total package of...

• Having an ax to grind about a single issue, long after everyone else has made their peace.
• Coming off as holier-than-thou.
• Making unsupported, ya-sure-you-are claims of social or professional status.
  
  (One would think a self-proclaimed Rapidz "insider" who claims a man's "wife probably has cancer from all of his second hand smoke and just the basic stress of living with a control freak" would at least nut up and put a name behind it.)
• Dehumanizing someone with an unflattering nickname.
• Run-on sentences that don't give a reader a chance to come up for air.
  
  See that key right above the spacebar? The one right below the the L, between the M and the period? It's a comma and it's wonderful.
• Statements that would get anyone using his real name sued for libel and defamation.

That's enough of an intro. The man who was the target of this attack deserves so, so much better.

I think the firing of The Bottle(Ed's nickname throughout baseball) was too late and if you are an insider with the team then you would know that Bottle was the seventh or eighth choice for manager. The team was thrown together in three weeks and the win loss record shows that. Bottle was a dictator that would not stop polluting his players lungs with toxic fumes on a daily basis and even on the road bus. The smoking police were notified and Bottle was given a choice. It sounds like some of Bottles Alcoholic friends from Liam's are upset to loose their drinking buddy. I've got news for all of you pro Bottle people. The guy was a self proclaimed alcoholic that only cared about how much attention he could get. But no one cared about him in Ottawa just like every other place he has ever coached. Bottle has one of the worst reputations in the "Bush leagues" as he calls them. He is only negative and a proven looser. His wife probably has cancer from all of his second hand smoke and just the basic stress of living with a control freak. Baseball was a Bottle had left in life and all he cared about but not for any positive reasons. His reasons for loving baseball were and are purely selfish because the only reason he is involved is to control people and feel as though his life and opinions matter which they clearly do not. This was Bottle's last job in baseball and no one else wants anything to do with him. He has burned every bridge he has ever crossed and now even a bridge to Canada. He insulted Canadian beer on a regular basis because he said it was too expensive. I think it was because he could'nt handle the punch compared to his watered down American crap beer. Just another reason why Bottle is a looser. I personally hope he lives the rest of his days a sorry old man who blew every chance in life he was ever given. If he did'nt loose his mortgage trying to finance his singing career maybe he would have a house to live in but now I think he may be checking into the cheapest old folks home the U.S. has to offer. I hope his liver shrivles up and fails. I hate the Bottle!!!!

Some would just delete that post-haste, especially given the case law in Canada with respect to third parties in cases of libel or defamation. Against better judgment (presuming it's not a trap set by a troll), it's going to stay up there. Consider this to be just like the scene from Fast Times At Ridgemont High when Spicoli said, "I don't know" and Mr. Hand wrote it on the chalkboard for posterity for all of his classes to ponder.

Who knows what possesses fully functioning adults to something like that about a 69-year-old man. Who knows who said it, and who knows what it says about the people running the Rapidz if it did spew from the mouth (or some other orifice) of someone of their acquaintance. Let's hope not.

Menatime, let it stand, as a monument to ignorance and that, oh, because's you're only venting on the Internet, that doesn't mean that you're actually a solipsistic little twit.