BATTER UP: ST. LOUIS CARDINALS

Counting down the seconds till Opening Day when life begins anew involves providing a "starting nine" for all 29 major-league teams, and if there's time, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays too! Presenting: The St. Louis Cardinals.

1. First off, enough about the 83 wins: It was a triumph of the human spirit, so seriously, quit bellyaching. The Cardinals won the World Series despite having only three pitchers throw 100-plus innings, and one of them, Jason Marquis, had an earned-run average that resembled the interest rate on most major credit cards. That kind of perseverance should be celebrated.
2. Heyyyyyy, sit on it: Cardinals shortstop David Eckstein (pictured) is letting a minor-league team put his face on step stools that are designed for use by shorter people. By the way, it's scurrilous to say Eckstein, listed at 5-foot-8 (sure!), left the Angels since he was too short for most of the rides at Disney World, which is next to the ballpark in Anaheim.
3. Always remember Tony La Russa is a genius: He's apparently so afraid people might forget this that he likes to have a lineup that consists of the pitchers and catchers, Albert Pujols, Jim Edmonds, and bunch of jack-of-all-trades types. This lets him change the lineup every other day and keep people rapt waiting for his next genius move. La Russa's also largely responsible for one of baseball's contemporary plagues, the LOOGY (Lefty Out for One Guy) reliever.
   
   Teams don't need to make five pitching changes to get through the last three innings, especially since it sucks all the energy out of the game. They do it anyways since Tony La Russa does it and after all, he's a genius. Well, if Tony La Russa wanted to manage in ass-less chaps, would the other 29 major-league managers try to follow suit? Uh, let's leave that one alone.
   
   (UPDATE, March 22: La Russa was picked up in Florida for impaired driving, via Deadspin.)
4. Retro Cool Cardinal: They don't make ballplayers like Willie McGee (centre-field, 1982-90, '96-99) anymore. There is no one in the major leagues who has the build of the average high school math teacher, but whom you have to respect as a power hitter.
   
   McGee cracked double digits in homers only twice, but this was at Busch Stadium in the '80s. He had gap power and could flat-out fly, winning MVP of the '82 World Series and of the entire National League in 1985, when he also won the first two World Series. He was also one of several '80s and '90s stars whom the Yankees drafted and let get away, serving as an eternal reminder that George M. Steinbrenner III isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
   
   
5. Will Albert Pujols be elected President of the United States some day? Of course he will. By 2036, when the Dominican slugger will be about the right age to seek the office, that constitutional requirement that you have to be born in the States will be repealed. Besides, Pujols-Leitch 2036 has a nice ring to it. (Deadspin founder Will Leitch is a Cardinals fan.)
   
   Pujols took his U.S. citizenship test over the winter and aced it, suggesting he's already more qualified than George W. Bush.
6. The WTF post-season performance: A 2006 ESPY for their ordinary player who performed so far over his dead during the post-season that his nose bled for a week to 10 days afterward would have been a dead heat between the Edmonton Oilers' Fernando Pisani and Yadier Malina, the Cardinals catcher.
   
   Molina was a Rodríguez-type catcher during the regular season. That would be Ivan on defence and Michelle on offence, as he hit .216/.274/.321.
   
   In October, he channeled the spirit of Gene Tenace in 1972, hitting .358/.424/.547 -- a hell of a lot better than what the Rodríguez who plays for the Yankees did in the playoffs.
7. Hey, a Michelle Rodriguez reference. How about a photo of the comely Lost star?
   
   Sure, why, the hell not?
8. Well, they are owned by a brewery: In June 1983, coincidentally during the height of the War on Drugs, the Cardinals decided that the two dominant personalties in their clubhouse, manager Whitey Herzog and first baseman Keith Hernandez, would never get along. This hadn't been a problem the previous year when the Cardinals won the World Series. However, there were also rumblings Hernandez was wont to sampling the nose candy, and that was a no-no in St. Loo. Adhering to the principle Bill Hicks once spoofed -- "It's OK if you drink your drug," the Cardinals traded Hernandez to the Mets for pitcher Neil Allen, who according to author Jeff Pearlman's book The Bad Guys Won, had a drinking problem. (The Cardinals also got Rick Ownbey, who had 3 career wins and reportedly, mad casserole-making abilities.)
   
   The trade was made, Allen washed out of the game, and Hernandez led the Mets to a World Series title in 1986, even as Cardinals fans waved signs at him reading, "Coke is it!" whenever he played his old team.
9. Need-to-know: The Cards are an earnest, wholesome heartland team and those kinds of franchises are always good for a championship once a decade or so, just to remind all the cool kids who's really in charge.
   
   St. Louis won't win again -- luck always evens out -- but Chris Carpenter as an ace and Pujols in the middle of the lineup is a solid foundation for another playoff appearance. Anthony Reyes and Adam Wainwright are ready to break out, so the Cardinals should get the benefit of the doubt when it comes to NL Central predictions. After all, Tony La Russa is a genius.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.