BATTER UP: SAN DIEGO PADRES

We're counting down the seconds till Opening Day, when life begins again... Until, then, each day we'll have a "starting nine" for all 29 major-league teams, and if there's time, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Presenting: The San Diego Padres -- and there's nary an Anchorman reference to be had!

1. They've got an all-star double play combo (sort of): ESPN.com's Sports Guy Bill Simmons once joked about forming the Marcus Giles All-Stars -- white ballplayers with supposedly African-American sounding names and vice-versa. The Padres may have that squad's double-play combo -- the actual Marcus Giles at second and Khalil Greene at shortstop. Both are white.
2. Hey, Goober, what about run production? The two-time National League West champions have great pitching. The hitting? Guhhhhhh, not so much. They were 13th in the 16-team NL in runs scored before leadoff man Dave Roberts (49 steals, .360 OBP) and Mike Piazza (22 homers) left as free agents. The projected 4-5-6 hitters are:
   
   First baseman Adrian Gonzalez, who hit .300/.362/.500 in a pitcher's park, but whose career arc could be suspiciously Brad Fullmer-esque;
   
   Greene, who hasn't been a league-average hitter the past two seasons;
   
   Rookie third baseman Kevin Kouzmanoff, whom Padres blog Ducksnorts has dubbed the Mashin' Macedonian.
3. The joke going around: Veteran pitchers Greg Maddux (pictured) and David Wells have a combined 563 career wins -- and some would say that's also their combined weight. This assumes the rather reedy Maddux lost weight over the off-season.
   
   Remember how Tony Fernandez just kept coming back and coming back to play for the Jays? That's kind of how it is with the 43-year-old Wells and the Padres; this will be his third stint with his hometown team.
4. Hall of Fame careers start or end here; it's the middle that's a problem. For a franchise that's been mostly mediocre since its birth in 1969, the Padres somewhat impressively have had two Hall of Famers -- Dave Winfield and Tony Gwynn -- and have a future Hall of Famer in closer Trevor Hoffman.
   
   Maddux is just the latest in a long line of Cooperstown types who wore San Diego colours (whatever they were that week) but will never be primarily associated with Padres; it also includes Piazza, Rollie Fingers, Gaylord Perry, Willie McCovey and if there is a God in heaven, Goose Gossage one of these years. The Ted Williams also played for the original Padres of the Pacific Coast League.
   
   But oh, they could have had so much more. In the early '80s they traded away Ozzie Smith over a contract dispute. About a decade later they sent the Blue Jays a 22-year-old Roberto Alomar. When Fernandez and Fred McGriff were purged in the San Diego Fire Sale of '93, the deal essentially became Alomar and Joe Carter for Raul Casanova, D.J. Dozier, Donnie Elliott, Vince Moore, Melvin Nieves and Wally Whitehurst. If you remember anything about those guys other than that Dozier gave up a NFL career to play baseball, you're officially as warped as I am. Welcome to hell.

5. Retro Cool Padre: Remember that scene in The Benchwarmers (admit it, you saw it on cable) where Jon Heder takes batting practice and can't even keep the bat from flying out of his hands? That was actually a tribute to former Padres shortstop Enzo Hernandez (1971-77). Enzo's career high in home runs was one and his lifetime slugging average was .266, meaning he could have gone to bat swinging a day-old loaf of French bread and no one would have known otherwise. Nice penmanship, though (second photo).
6. Hilarious magazine covers and funny bumper stickers; that's what San Diego does: In 1976, Sports Illustrated put Padres lefty Randy Jones (career winning percentage: .448) on the cover with the headline THREAT TO WIN 30. Jones fell just a bit short, with 22 wins. Hey, you try winning 30 games while counting on Enzo Hernandez for run support.
   
   A few years after his career ended, Steve Garvey saw his pristine public image take a hit when it was revealed he had fathered two children out of wedlock; the former first baseman survived the fallout, but the bumper sticker STEVE GARVEY IS NOT MY PADRE lives forever in some memories.
   
7. Did the '84 team sell its soul for a pennant? Gotta wonder, since two key members of the team didn't live to see 40. Leadoff hitter Alan Wiggins washed out of baseball due to drug problems and died of a reported AIDS-related illness at age 32. Ace right-hander Eric Show died at 37 after taking a speedball. Third baseman Chris Brown, a September call-up that season (he's the guy who famously begged off playing with the excuse "I slept on my eye wrong") also died young last year from injuries suffered in a houe fire.
   
   The Great Satan also had it in for another '84 Padre, Dave Dravecky. He lost his playing career and left arm to cancer, but he stared down the dark lord like he was a Dodger with the bases loaded, recovered and became a motivational speaker. This means that Dave Dravecky is awesome.
   
   It's been noted here the '84 Padres were one of the most interesting teams of their era -- beyond those brown, gold and orange Burger King uniforms, they were also an odd amalgam of aging 1970s stars, guys who burned out fast and a 23-year-old kid who hit .351. But were they also cursed?
   
8. There's a top and bottom to everything: The Padres' 170 wins over the past two seasons is the fewest ever for a back-to-back division champion (strike seasons excepted). That's only three more wins than the Jays had over the past two years, and they were out of the race by mid-August each time. Can the Jays move to the National League? Please?
9. They're kind of cool in some ways: Fans were allowed to buy bricks and have them displayed in the stadium concourse of PETCO Park. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had a brick engraved "Break Open Your Cold Ones! Toast The Padres! Enjoy This Championship Organization!" -- which shortens to BOYCOTT PETCO. And the Padres left the brick in! (Via Wikapedia.)

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.