BATTER UP: HOUSTON ASTROS

Counting down the seconds till Opening Day when life begins anew involves providing a "starting nine" for all 29 major-league teams, and if there's time, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays too! Presenting: The Houston Astros.

1. Can't anybody there build a damn ballpark right? For 35 years, Houston played in the Astrodome. It was bad enough that it ushered in an era of domes and artificial turf, but Ted Williams also once described as place where "Babe Ruth couldn't hit one out."
   
   The new Houston park, formerly called Enron Field (although you probably shouldn't bring that up) is basically the brainchild of Texas robber barons with too much money and too little sense of baseball history. It's the real-life equivalent of what Jackie Mason turned Bushwood G&CC into in Caddyshack II. (Admit it, you've seen it on TBS.)
2. In other words, the Astros are a team only a Texan could love: Some hip people come from Texas (Mike Judge, Natalie Maines, Bill Hicks). On the whole, however, no team from that state should be a contender for any kind of major sports championship unless it's the NFL or a team whose best player is a foreigner (see the Dallas Mavericks and San Antonio Spurs with Dirk Nowitzki and Tony Parker, a Frenchman, respectively).
   
   That goes double for the Astros, who keep letting Roger Clemens taint our collective unconscious.
3. You Canadians are just jealous of the Astros' pitching: Guilty as charged. Roy Oswalt is the best pitcher who hasn't won a Cy Young yet -- only 29, he's finished in the top five in the NL voting five times already. The Jays' Roy Halladay, who's the same age, has two top-5 Cy finishes.
4. Two words: Friends marathon! Does anyone find it weird that the American Hockey League's Houston Aeros have more black players than the Astros? More to the point, the Aeros actually have a black player (defenceman Shawn Belle, from Edmonton). Houston's starters consist of left-fielder Carlos Lee, a Panamanian, and seven white guys, including ones with names such as Morgan and Lance. The pitching staff, led by Roy Oswalt and Jason Jennings, stands to have even more white guys.
   
   Ironically, the Astros did have baseball's first African-American general manager, Bob (Bull) Watson, the man who fobbed a 39-year-old middle reliever off on the Red Sox and got someone named Jeff Bagwell in return.
5. Well, they were originally called the Colt .45s: In 1988, Astros manager Hal Lanier, who would be fired at the end of the season, snapped during a slump and yelled at one of his players, "I ought to shoot your ass." Outfielder Gerald Young fired back with, "I'd like to read that in the transactions tomorrow."
6. Retro Cool 'Stro: Time was, you could play for a team called the Colt .45s (after the handgun, not the maltiest of malt liquors) and sport the nickname the Toy Cannon, and have none of it contain ironic meaning -- a far cry from the Age of the Sex Cannon, which even comes with T-shirts.
   
   Jimmy Wynn (pictured, centre-fielder, 1963-73) earned his regal sobriquet since he was the National League's reigning home-run champions in the light-heavyweight division. The 5-foot-9, 170-lb. Wynn (smallish even by the standards of his era) had three 30-homer seasons even while playing in pitcher-friendly parks in conditions where 35 was often enough to lead the league. He also had six 100-walk seasons, including a sick 148 in 1969.
   
   Wynn, whom Bill James has ranked as the 10th-best centre-fielder of all time, also once led the league in walks while posting a batting average of .207 -- also a record.
7. The Astros have a tragical history: The Astros have known hard luck that goes way beyond what happened in 1980, '86 against the Mets and in 2005.
   
   There's human tragedy: a young César Cedeño drew comparisons to Willie Mays; he wasn't, but being haunted by a fatal shooting incident that occurred in his early 20s didn't help. Pitcher Don Wilson committed suicide in 1975; five years later, intimidating right-hander J.R. Richard had a stroke, costing him his livelihood and probably keeping the Astros out of the World Series that year, although they should have made it anyway -- they were ahead 5-2 in the eighth in The Decider against the Phillies with Nolan Ryan pitching.
   
   It goes on. In late 1971, the Astros wanted slugger Lee May so badly that they got him from the Reds for Joe Morgan in a 5-for-3 trade -- and believe it or not, the Reds got the five. In 1975-76, when Morgan was winning back-to-back MVPs and World Series titles, Houston finished a combined 65 1/2 games behind Cincinnati.
   
   Some of the tragicomic history predates the Rainbow Guts uniforms, but if even the thought of wearing that was in team executives' minds, clearly there's been some bad karma. I mean, look at those things. Your family dog could go blind if he or she looked at the TV at the wrong moment.
8. Clear thinking? Uh... Houston seems to be down with a philosophy popular in today's corporate world -- "What the worse that can happen?" Chris (Corky) Burke is pencilled in as the Opening Day centre-fielder. Houston fans are deeply divided over Burke's position switch: Some think it's stupid, and others think it's myopic by half. Burke, meantime, got off to a 2-for-25 start in spring training and minor-leaguer Hunter Pence is having a huge spring.
   
   Burke was a below-average hitter in '06 and below-average in the 44 games he played in centre, so what's the payoff of playing him there since second base (Craig Biggio, 70 hits shy of 3,000) and the corner spots are spoken for?
9. Need-to-know: The best time for a beer run during an Astros game is when their 7-8-9 hitters are due up. Between catcher Brad Ausmus, shortstop Adam Lane and the pitcher's spot, you won't miss much.
   
   Houston's pitching and D will always keep them afloat in the sea of averageness that is the NL Central, but the problem is they're trying to hard to give manager Phil Garner -- known as Scrap Iron in his playing days -- a team in his own image. That means "gamers," guys who play defence, accumulate dirt and grass stains and look awful in the offensive stats -- see Burke, Chris (Corky).
   
   The Astros were eighth in the NL in homers, ninth in on-base percentage, and for a team that goes station-to-station on the basepaths, that's bad. Eighty-two wins won't be enough to flirt with the playoffs again, but the Astros have money to burn after the Bagwell buyout (how it gets spent is another question) and Biggio is chasing 3,000, so that's probably enough for 2007.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.