BATTER UP: FLORIDA MARLINS

Counting down the seconds till Opening Day when life begins anew involves providing a "starting nine" for all 29 major-league teams plus any whose stadium used to be a hockey arena. Presenting: The Florida Marlins.

1. The feel-good story of last year: Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria and his stepson David Samson, who could probably give manure a bad name, wasted no time spoiling any good vibes after the Marlins went 80-82 with far and away the lowest payroll in the majors. They fired NL manager of the year Joe Girardi on the final day of the season, instead of doing the proper thing, which would have been buying him a private island in the Caribbean.
   
   Lately, Samson has been begrudging all-everything third baseman Miguel Cabrera winning his arbitration case, acting like a drama queen after he was a no-show for a promotional events. Then there was his pitiful display on a Florida radio show (as related at Deadspin) when a listener phoned in to call him out, "Please try not to be so derogatory toward women and lustful when you do the interview. I try to enjoy the show with my girl, and she's like, 'Oh, that Dave Samson, he's a real creep.' "
   
   Samson's response: "I will try to be slightly less lecherous for his girlfriend. And if he would like to bring her to my office, we could definitely talk about my lechery." He actually said that. What a wankoff.
2. Short run for the D-Train? One of the commenters at Batter's Box pointed out the other day that almost all of the pitchers whose first four seasons were similar to those of Marlins ace Dontrelle Willis (pictured) crapped out of baseball at an early age. It's scary to think disaster lurks for the charismatic 25-year-old, but then again, use of "comparables" predicted Pat Hentgen was done when the Jays brought him back in 2004.
3. Swing and a miss: One telltale sign that the mostly young Florida lineup might crash this season is their poor plate discipline. The Marlins drew the fewest walks in National League and had 1,249 strikeouts, fourth-worst in the NL. One of those you can get away with, two is very hard.
4. There's your goshdarn dance team: When you think about what the North American sportscape really needs right now, it probably isn't another incarnation of the Mermaids, baseball's one and only cheerleading squad. Don't even get us started on the various packs of "Ice Girls" who keep popping up in hockey arenas across North America, all doing the same routines a dance class of seven-year-olds could master, all set to the same dance hall remixes.
   
   Adding a dance team in baseball or hockey does make a strong statement: "Hey, look at us, we're second-rate entertainment!" Fans have also made strong statements like, "Sit down so I can watch the damn game!"*
   
   (UPDATE: The Texas Rangers want women to be represented on the playing field, having added a team of "ball girls." It's sponsored by a dating service.)
5. Jeffrey Loria and David Samson must die: Oh, you were expecting a punchline?
6. They have stars: Cabrera and second-years shortstop Hanley Ramírez will make someone a fine left side of the infield some day -- most likely in Boston, New York or L.A. after Loria and Samson run them off.
7. Retro Marlin: One doesn't need to know much about Chuck Carr (centre field, 1993-95) to nominate him for this honour. He won the National League stolen base title in the team's first season in '93, he was part of the only major-league ballclub to ever wear teal batting helmets, and that's enough. As a slap hitter who could run like a scalded dog and do little else, he was out of place in 1990s baseball, but c'est la vie.
8. Well, they 've earned it: The Marlins have been in the bottom three in NL attendance for eight years in a row -- hey, it's not like there's baseball-loving Cuban-American community or anything to tap into in Miami. (Oh, wait.) Nevertheless, the stugotses are closer than ever to shaking down the local politicians for a new stadium, even if it means tearing down the Orange Bowl.
9. Need-to-know: The Marlins are an exciting, young team, or would be if the owners hadn't gone and screwed it up. A 72-90 or 73-89 final record seems right.
   
   The Marlins' future in Florida seems set, though. They'll eventually have a new stadium -- probably around the same time the renovations on the Miami airport are finished. If there's a God in heaven, hopefully around that time Loria and Samson will get what they deserve for breaking Expos fans hearts -- maybe something like the fate of Craig Kilborn and Jeremy Piven's characters in the final reel of Old School. It could be Samson driving his car off a bridge and landing on Loria as he fly-fishes in the river below, or vice-versa. Either way would be fine.
   
   True, it is hard to imagine that a snooty art collector such as Jeffrey Loria enjoying the simple challenge of fly-fishing. It's not hard to imagine David Samson going fishing, although given his flair for public relations, he probably uses dynamite.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.

(*For the record, cheerleading is fine as a gym class or competitive team activity as long as it's safe and taught correctly, since girls and young women generally respond to dance and movement better than any other physical activity. However, it does not belong in baseball and that is a scientific fact.)