READY TO DROP THE GLOVES WITH STEPHEN COLBERT, PART 2

That was very clever of Stephen Colbert, the way he has danced around the pre-emptive strike fired here a couple weeks ago.

See, Colbert -- or more to the point, his writing staff which prop him up, since it's generally suspected he's just Sonny to their Cher, Bush to their Cheney, Ringo to their rest of The Beatles -- -- was warned off making fun of this blog's beloved hometown hockey team, Kingston Frontenacs. The Frontenacs are bidding against The Colbert Report host's darlings of the shinny set, the Saginaw Spirit, to host the 2008 Memorial Cup (Canada's major junior hockey championship).

So what are Colbert -- and that crack writing staff whom many people may suspect act as the rest of the 2006 Chicago Bears to his Rex Grossman -- doing about this? They've turned their admittedly sharp satirical needle to other teams that are near and dear to Out of Left Field. On last night's Report, Colbert fulminated that his namesake mascot with Saginaw, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle (top picture), only finished second (in actuality, it was only a honourable mention) when gameops.com picked the Best Mascot of 2006.

The fledgling fowl -- so fledgling that taking Maggie Simpson-like tumbles on the ice has become part of Steagle's act -- was edged out for top spot by the Toronto Raptors cleverly monikered mascot, The Raptor (second pic). There's no shame in coming second to The Raptor; there's probably a little in being a honourable mention alongside Raymond, the mascot for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Nevertheless, instead of seeing the rookie mascot's runner-up showing as something to crow about, it stuck in Colbert's craw.

Colbert called for his On Notice Board, only to realize that the Raptors have been on notice since January 2006, when they "could only stand helpless as Takeru Kobayashi downed 81 hot dogs to set a modern day record."* (Hey, if you ever saw Rafael Araujo play during his two years as the Raptors' answer to the accidental tourist, you would consider the ability to "stand helpless" a virtue.)

That left Colbert only one option -- the Raptors were placed on the Dead To Me board.

The deep-down suspicion is this has little to do with The Raptor's awesomeness and everything to do with the Colbertites lashing out since their hands have been tied from making fun of the Kingston Frontenacs. As possible proof, before the Raptors were put on the Dead To Me board, Colbert shuffled through a box full of placards, reading out loud, "Toronto Blue Jays, Toronto Maple Leafs" -- not coincidentally also teams which are near and dear to Out of Left Field.

Who are they going to come after next? The Syracuse Orange since overexuberant fans stormed the court following Monday's win over Georgetown, as if it was 1984 and Patrick Ewing was playing for the Hoyas, rather than his son? The Minnesota Vikings for going 6-10? The Queen's football team since they wear yellow and call themselves Gaels? It could all be a coincidence, but putting the Raptors on the Dead To Me board can only be considered as a thinly veiled attempt to antagonize this author.

This aggression cannot stand, but to quote Vince Vaughn's character in Old School, "This guy is playing hardball, and I have to admit, I'm kind of impressed."

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Ready To Drop The Gloves With Stephen Colbert (Feb. 13)

(* Actually there was only one hot dog involved in that infamous night. Hint: He used to play with Shaq.)

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.