READY TO DROP THE GLOVES WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

The showdown for who will host the 2008 Memorial Cup isn't between six Ontario Hockey League clubs who filed bids last week. No, it is between a pair of egomaniacal pundits who each mispronounce and/or misspell their names.

Colbert Report host Stephen Colbert (that's col-BARE) has taken no small amount of credit for the Saginaw Spirit's success. However, the Comedy Central personality has another think coming if he mocks a certain team bidding against the Spirit for the '08 Mem Cup. That would be the Kingston Frontenacs, hometown team of yours truly, Neate Sager (first name pronounced Nate, which is also how any normal person would spell it).

This storm has been gathering since Oct. 15, the Spirit flattened the Fronts 8-2 at the venerable old Kingston Memorial Centre and Colbert later crowed, "I don't know what a Frontenac is, but I think it's French for 'bend over and take it.' " Subsequently, he chided the Spirit's marketing people, calling them "the Kingston Frontenacs of merchandising."

Sorry, Mr. Colbert, but no one, but no one gets away with talking about the Kingston Frontenacs that way. That is, unless you actually have spent time in Kingston and are versed in the team's tragicomic track record. Here's a short primer: One first-place finish in thirty-three seasons and no trips to the league final, while being stuck with an ancient arena. Don't even get us started on Count Frontenac.

I've followed the team from afar for a lot of that time, so just imagine what it's like for the true believers who actually go to the games.

Granted, everyone had a good laugh when Colbert rallied the Colbert Nation crazies to throw copies of GM's annual report on the ice during a game last month against the Oshawa Generals (who should get the '08 Mem Cup, but that's neither here nor there). It was semi-halfway awe-inspiring that people even drove as much as 1,100 miles round-trip to do so.

However, Colbert may be about to find out how hockey works, especially the brass-knuckles world of junior hockey. He's new to all this. He only discovered the Spirit last summer when his writing staff did an Internet search for things that could be named after him and stumbled onto Saginaw's name-the-mini-mascot contest. At Colbert's prodding, the Nation flooded the broadband ballot box and the mini-mascot was named Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle (bottom picture).

In reality, Colbert is way out of his element. Does involving the Spirit in a few comedy sketches really hold a candle to the heartfelt hometown passion that I have built up over 20-plus winters of following Kingston junior teams? We're talking about two decades of first bleeding Canadians red, blue and white, then Raiders black and silver, and since 1989, Fronts black and gold, following Kingston's ups and downs from near and afar, even if I don't always make it to a game every season. (Sometimes the pain is just too much -- from blinding hangovers, not the Frontenacs struggling.)
One can't speak for all Kingston fans, but we've swallowed quite a bit over the years, so Mr. Colbert, you better take heed. Sure, the Fronts' chances of being selected host of next year's Canadian major junior hockey championship are average at best, and you might be better served to focus your satirical needle on Oshawa since you already have a running thing with their city. However, our hearts are pure, and you can't lay on glove on us, so back off.

The selection committee will make its pick and we'll live with it, but long-suffering Fronts fans have earned a chance to witness a redemptive shot at junior hockey glory, deserve it in the worst way. They are not to be tweaked.

So, Stephen Colbert, consider this a pre-emptive strike fired from a one-bedroom apartment in Ottawa. If you diss Kingston's quest to host the 2008 Memorial Cup, you're risking a blogging beatdown equivalent to what happens in hockey when you take extra liberties with the other team's star player. Simply put, good sir, you are cruisin' for a bruisin'. I am fully prepared to act like Dave Semenko riding shotgun to Kingston's Wayne Gretzky, so long as it doesn't involve leaving my apartment. That's The Code for bloggers, so to speak.

When it comes to being made sport of by hockey-dilettante cable-TV hosts, you should know that we Frontenacs fans are like an ornery bear -- and we all know your feelings toward bears.

SAGINAW/STEPHEN COLBERT vs. KINGSTON/NEATE SAGER

Stephen Colbert: Has had great success playing a right-winger on TV.
Neate Sager: Had great success playing a left-winger -- if by "great success" you mean "third-line forward on his high school hockey team."

Colbert: Early career included working as a script consultant.
Sager: Early career included writing other people's English and history papers for extra cash.

Colbert: Notorious for displays of hubris.
Sager: Once notorious for hitting strip of Kingston bars called "the Hub."

Colbert: Teaches Sunday school.
Sager: There's a Sunday morning now?

Colbert: As a teen, loved to play Dungeons & Dragons.
Sager: As a teen, once played Earl Weaver Baseball for 16 hours straight on parents' Tandy computer (hey, an adolescent boy will do anything to keep his hands busy).

Colbert: Won three Emmys for writing while on The Daily Show.
Sager: Included in "Notable Sports Writing of 2004" in The Best American Sports Writing 2005. Conspiracy theorists take note: Who was the guest editor of the BASW 2005 who passed over Sager's work in making the final selections? Mike Lupica -- whom Colbert has had as a guest. Dunh dunh dahhhhhhh.

So to sum up, the Saginaw Spirit have Stephen Colbert, whose show is a cultural phenomenon, who has a far bigger soapbox and vast legions of loyal fans. The champion of the Kingston Frontenacs' cause is Neate Sager, a guy blogging from his one-bedroom apartment who isn't even well known enough to be called an obscure writer.

Some would say this stacks up as a slaughter. However, Frontenacs fans are quite used to being on the wrong side of mismatches, so it holds no terror for them.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca. Here's the mainpage.