Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Snark break: 'Chad loses Johnson' headlines are overly obvious

Bengals wideout Chad Johnson reportedly is trying to apparently wants to legally change his last name to Ocho Cinco (eight-five, his jersey number).

You have to feel for the NFL. The boys in the boardroom probably thought they were in the clear after the XFL, which had the brainstorm to let players have a nickname instead of their actual name on the back of their jersey (Remember Rod Smart's "He Hate Me" jersey?), was laughed out of existence.

This is either a desperate plea for attention or pure genius. Here's hoping Johnson goes through with it, because then what happens if he's traded to a team where another player is already wearing No. 85. The negotating price to get the number would probably start at $1 million.

In a related story, more accomplished NFL receivers Randy Moss, Terrell Owens and Marvin Harrison respectively wish to continue being known as Randy Moss, Terrell Owens and Marvin Harrison.

More great Beijing Olympics headlines that can never be written: "Chen-anigans."

It's great how the Olympics bring out the worst in Canadians. The men's 4 x 200 freestyle relay team had just finished a, wait for it, solid fifth. Brian Johns was telling CBC Sports over and over again how "we're showing that we belong on this stage." Some wag in the newsroom shot back at the TV, "Yeah, but you just don't belong in the pool."

The hell of our Olympic swimmers are faring decently. All the finals qualified for, Canadian records and personal bests, though, hit the public with all the impact of a new phonebook.

(Right as this being written, Arturo Miranda and Alex Despatie -- who to be fair, was coming back from a broken foot -- faded to fifth in their diving event. Cue the Ceeb's commentator: "They're usually much better in practice.")

Mats Sundin is thinking about going to Fake Prom, but he might not feel like it. It's also on Friday. He can't be expected to make a decision on such short notice.

(Digression: Fake Prom? What is this North American obsession with the secondary school experience? It's 4 years during the first quarter of your life, before you figured out what person you are. Robertson Davies had it right -- you should feel sorry for people who say their time in school was the best days of their life, because it makes you wonder what they've been doing since.)

Last but not least, from the department of Tell Us Something We Didn't Know, Larry Mavety has actually admitted publicly that he will be permanent interim coach of the Kingston Frontenacs. Darren Keily, who was in Peterborough the last couple seasons, will be the assistant coach. It can't work worse than what they had last year.

Update: Check out the first two comments that have been left on the Kingston Whig-Standard's article.

Mavety talked about the feeling he had on March 14 when the Frontenacs closed their home schedule with a 9-2 rout of the Sudbury Wolves" -- (Au. note -- the worst team in the league) -- "before a crowd of 4,705.

" 'I've been around the league for 30 years and I can't recall a crowd being as boisterous or as loud as it was that night,' Mavety said."
Ah, the bliss of having a short memory.

To sum up, everyone knew this was happening, but winning 23 of 56 games after a coaching change is not a basis for bringing a coach back -- it's just an admission you couldn't get anyone qualified to coach in the OHL in 2008.


krister said...

"It can't work worse than what they had last year." o yes, it can. this is after all the Kingston franchise.

Tao of Stieb said...

Check that:

"Chad loses Johnson headlines are overly HILARIOUS!"

Big V said...

Good news... Kingston kids are once again allowed to play street hockey... (with only a few restrictions)

Hip hip...Hooray!

What is wrong with kingston decision makers????
Maybe there is something in the water...

Robert C. said...

Good to see a comment on the Whig story from a season ticket holder who is not renewing. They're getting Bulls season tickets. :)

Dennis Prouse said...

I used to believe Chad Johnson's schtick was just a big act, but I have now come to the conlcusion that he really is crazier than an outhouse rat. Properly channeled, this can actually be helpful in pro sports. It is far less helpful off the field, which is why I truly worry about how he will do once his playing days are over.

sager said...

Ah, Ocho Cinco will land in TV -- that's where all the nutters end up (Deion, Michael Irvin). Does growing up in the Florida heat make all these guys wacked-out?

Or he'll become a celebrity fitness trainer. Former CFL safety Tom Europe does that now!

(Does Europe still hold the O-QIFC/QUFL record for longest interception return. He took one back 111 yards in the 1992 Bishop's-Queen's Apostrophe Bowl, with Brad Elberg chasing him for about 105 yards of that return.

But who won the playoff game that year?)

Duane Rollins said...

Who cares who won a football game in 1992...

Now, 1991 on the other hand.

sager said...

Yes, Queen's also beat BU in the 1991 Dunsmore. I can't remember how the rest of the season played out.

Thank you, electroshock therapy.

sager said...

Yes, in '91 Laurier was No. 1.

Wait a second ... 91 ... 1 ... it's become a very convenient reference to whip out.