ALLARD: SUNDAY SERMON AT THE LODGE

The Senators are halfway to being swept out of the playoffs entering Monday's Game 3 vs. the Pittsburgh Penguins, but Edna Babblecock, as translated by Jean-Pierre Allard, assures us there is no crisis of faith spreading through the ranks of the Sens Army.

What a refreshing Sunday mass we had at The Lodge today. Instead of the tired old sermon from Father Sarducci, we got a surprise visit from Pastor Murmlakenyk from the Kanata Diocese.

He assured all us Sens fans * that there was still hope for them, despite the Penguins marching all over them and out shooting them something like 142 to 27 in the first two games, during which Sidney Crosby failed to score a goal and will thus almost assuredly get booed by the vicious Ottawa fans in Game 3 on Monday night.

(* Except for old man Tremblay who is convinced his Habs are on their way to a Cup win with Price Club, insufferable Apork who keeps insisting he's the biggest Ottawa fan, except he keeps ridiculing them with his letters to the editors and Dr. Ballard who is totally mad for thinking his Leafs are still in the playoff hunt. )

Pastor Ray told us, in no specific order, that:

• According to owner Eugene Melnyk, the Ottawa Senators are still the best team in the NHL.
• Contrary to what the Ottawa Citizen reported, coach Bryan Murray did not say that he wished injured players Daniel Alfredsson, Mike Fisher and Chris Kelly would realize that you have to play injured in the playoffs, after he told media that Anton Volchenkov would play in Game 2, despite having to wear a full cage after he blocked one of Evgeni Malkin's rockets with his noggin.
• Cody Bass and Martin Lapointe will continue to play in the last minutes of a 3-3 game because there really is nobody else that Bryan Murray can trust.
• Sniper Dany Heatley is not hurt and will score a goal before the series ends on April 16.
• Coach Murray will continue to call timeouts in the dying minutes of a game to give his opponents time to get their breath back and may also dream up other accusations that will stimulate an already highly-motivated Penguins squad.
• Playmaker Jason Spezza is not hurt, at least not in body, and will make a pass that will result in a goal before the series ends on April 16.
• There is no truth whatsoever in the allegations that "Scary Gary" Roberts is out of shape after having only played three games since Christmas.
• Former No. 1 goalie Ray Emery 'Bored' has not been late for practices for over 2 months and is on the road to recovery, even having secured hugely-discounted one-way tickets on Southwest Airlines (you are now free to move out of the country) to go and hang out permanently with Snoop Dogg.
• There is no absolutely no foundation to the rumours that the Senators tanked Game 2, more specifically late when the match was knotted at 3-3 and overtime loomed as certain as a Wade Redden giveaway, in order to save spending unbudgeted travel money to Pittsburgh for Game 5 on April 18.
• There are no absolutely no rumors at Foundation that don’t make clear, crystal sense in explaining the Senators' troubles between the two end lines.
• There is no substance to the talks that Jacques Martin will be re-hired as coach and then traded, even up, for "Scary Gary" Roberts.
• Despite the fact that both TSN's Mike Milbury and Hockey Night in Canada's Don Cherry publicly called out Spezza on the carpet for his uninspired play, with Grapes even saying that the big pussycat has got to get serious, GM Murray maintains he could still get full value for his No. 1 centre in a trade. Never mind that it becomes crystal clear with each shift that he should have moved him last year instead of next year
• Even if the Sens were to go down in four straight, and deprive the real fans of finally coming out to the bars on Elegant St. to reveal their true allegiances or of retrieving their car flags from their snow-filled properties where they were buried last June, Eugene Melnyk is still planning on throwing the biggest party, one that will make Woodstock look like a county jamboree, to celebrate the “dynasty” season that his team gave its fans and media.

After that, not a single one of us dared to go up the line and receive communion from the poor pastor. Can you blame us? We may not all be quite right in the head but we're certainly no fools.

Jean-Pierre Allard
April 13, 2008