IRONICALLY, IN ALL HIS YEARS WITH THE BOSOX, CLEMENS NEVER VISITED SALEM

Oh, it's a plate of mixed blessings today:

The Good: As anyone who was in a Mitchell Report pool over the past couple days knows (the gang from Epic Carnival were drafting names yesterday), Roger Clemens was one of the leading ah-ha, I-knew-its out there.

OK, fair is fair. Clemens is a two-faced, multiple-retiring megalomaniac spotlight hog, even more unlikable than Barry Bonds. He's still entitled to due process and a full airing of what really happened. Most of know are already anticipating that the Mitchell Report is going to be a ham-and-B.S. sandwich, hold the ham. Or as Deadspin put it: "We repeat: The only real purpose of this report is for everyone to scream 'Gotcha!' for the poor souls unable to avoid its pages. So we might as well all play along."

The Not Bad, Not Good Either: The Jays signed David Eckstein to be their new mascot shortstop. OK, so this means not having to get weaned off mocking Eckstein for his small stature and the word-fellatio many American announcers, especially FOX's Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, perform whenever they broadcast one of his games.

In the big picture, the Jays have a shortstop who is a real offensive player. Now that's he in Canada, Eck could even have "real boy" surgery, so long as no one tells him that it might include the use of stem cells. He's one of those guys who's against, what's that called, scientific and medical advancements that benefit the whole of humanity.

Meantime, since FOX never has the Jays on a national broadcast, the word-fellatin' is pretty much over. He'll be in Canada, out of sight, out of mind. And McGlovin is still around to play late-inning defence.