BATTER UP: NEW YORK YANKEES

Counting down the seconds till Opening Day when life begins anew involves providing a "starting nine" for each major-league team, even Evil Empires. Presenting: The New York Yankees.

1. At first base, Josh Phelps: The guy whom the Jays ditched in 2004 is actually the Yankees' best bet at first base, since Doug Mientkiewicz can't hit and Andy Phillips is Andy Phillips. (The latter has been sent to Triple-A Scranton; it's rumoured that the Yankees got him to go by promising to fix him up with this sneaky-hot brunette named Pam who's a receptionist at a paper firm. Wait until he finds The Office is fictional and tapes in California.)
   
   Too bad the Yankees couldn't have stuck with last year's first base rotation of Phillips and Craig Wilson. A Wilson/Phillips platoon would have been perfect for such a team which has consistently shown little sack in losing 10 of its past last 12 playoff games since the '04 collapse -- despite having a payroll that's three to four times that of everyone else who's not the Boston Red Sox.
   
   Typical Yankee fan response: "Oh, yeah? At least we've been in the playoffs." Ooh, you got us there. Do you also go to public parks and cheer for the guy driving the lawnmower to give hell to those smart-ass blades of grass?
2. Carl Pavano is starting Opening Day: Who starts the first game of the season, the second or third won't matter across the run of 162 games. Still, it's Carl Pavano, the more upscale version of Sidney Ponson -- the lardass whom the Yankees were desperate enough to run out for three starts last summer when he was in no conditionally to pitch, mentally or mechanically. Pavano, forever known for giving up Mark McGwire's record 70th home run in 1998 -- watch your head, since it's due to land any day now -- once dated actress Alyssa Milano, who summed up their relationship thusly in a now defunct lad mag: "... just because you're 6-foot-5 and 260 pounds, it doesn't mean you're big all over."*
3. Jeets doesn't get the right credit: Since we're held hostage every October by Joe Buck and Tim McCarver polishing Derek Jeter's, uh, Hall of Fame credentials, this might be the Stockholm Syndrome talking: The captain should have two MVP awards by now.
   
   The Win Shares indicate Jeter should have been the American League's most valuable player last year. The same goes for 1999 when he hit .349/.438/.552 and created 149 runs while playing shortstop, which are sick stats even in the context of late-'90s baseball.
   
   Besides, anyone who matures from the dweeby teenager who once tried the early-'90s compromise of having a good hair day into the dude in the second photo is obviously the balls. Plain and simple, Jeter should have a MVP award. Yours truly is running low on reasons to chant, "Eff you, Jeter," every time he appears on the TV screen. (That's right, eff you. Saying the actual word would give the bastards are reason to look down on us uncouth Canadians.)
4. They are who they are: The Yankees and most of their fans are the worst kind of elitists. Have you ever noticed that Yankees fans tend to follow two extremes -- rich A-holes and cop/firefighter/corrections worker types who inevitable wear NYFD hats?
   
   But that's OK. It affirms the natural order. Some people will always have three times as much despite doing about one-third the work. As well the people who get up at 7 a.m. -- as opposed to those among us who have figured out how to make a decent living and sleep till noon -- will always be the first to have their agenda catered to by our elected leaders. (Oddly enough, the only Jays fans who really seem to get worked up when the Yankees visit the Rogers Centre are under 25 and look every bit like the scions of the Forest Hill and Rosedale crowd. What say you to that, Dr. Freud?)
   
   Some Yankees fans, believe it or not, are even attuned to the reality that George Steinbrenner's chequebook will let them enjoy more pennants and playoff appearances than you could get in 1,000 baseball fan lifetimes. They can take the ribbing as well as they dish out, unlike those walking studies in sociological frailities who cheer for that sellout team in Boston.
5. Retro Yankee: All together now: "Mattingly! I told you to trim those sideburns! You're off the team!"
   
   "What a grump... still like him better than Steinbrenner."
   
   Amen, Donnie Baseball. Amen. Don Mattingly (first base, 1982-95) is also a hero in these parts since he was the last left-handed thrower to play third base. The fact he played 14 seasons in pinstripes and never got to a World Series also reminds us that it's possible for the Evil Empire to go in the tank every 20 years or so.
6. Requiem for A-Rod: When fans got on Ted Williams back in the day, he tried to foul pitches into the stands in hopes one of the loudmouths would get drilled right in the larnyx (and Williams hit .344 lifetime, so he could be that precise). When sportswriters insulted him, he told them off, often in most colourful language. When Alex Rodriguez gets booed or someone writes something mean about him, it's not hard to imagine that he goes back to his hotel room, takes the phone off the hook and crawls under the blankets with a box of tissues and some Haagen-Daaz to watch The Notebook for the 193rd time.
   
   That's not A-Rod's fault. That's simply where society has gone in a half-century. Much like T-Emo, that weepy wideout, we shouldn't bemoan that the best ballplayer on earth is a drama queen -- we should embrace living in an age where a 6-foot-3, 210-lb. drama queen can also be automatic for 40 homers and 125 ribbies each season, even if he goes to pieces in the playoffs. A-Rod's problems are just a bunch of media bluster anyways, but it's fun to run with.
   
   (The Angels preview made reference to A-Rod having a thing for repeated viewings of The Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Those could be the only two DVDs he owns.*)
   
7. Hip hip Jorge: Seriously, get a Jorge Posada voodoo doll and start sticking pins in the areas of its rotator cuff and the sciatic nerve. Posada, who'll turn 36 before the leaves turn, has caught at least 130 games seven years in a row and his numbers rebounded last year after a so-so 2005, so he's apparently not wearing down. His backup, however, is 29-year-old rookie Wil Nieves, who's just happy to be there (and eager to thank God for everything.) If Posada could go down for an extended period, it would be so choice.
8. Need-to-know: The pitching isn't what it was a couple years ago, but the Yankees' balanced hitting up and down the lineup -- seriously, where's the weak spot? -- means everyone else in the AL East is casting their eyes on the wild card. Again. It's not right, it sucks, but hey, that's life.
9. One last thing: If there was any doubt that the Yankees are a bunch of jagovs , here's A-Rod and Mariano Rivera's idea of making time for their adoring public.
   
   

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.

(* 1. Yes, that's totally out of context. But it's Carl Pavano.

2. Probably not.)