BATTER UP: WASHINGTON NATIONALS

Counting down the seconds till Opening Day when life begins anew involves providing a "starting nine" for all 29 major-league teams, and if there's time, the Devil Rays too! Presenting: The Washington Nationals.

1. The Expos once and always belonged to Montreal, Quebec and Canada: The Nationals are an expansion team. That original team disbanded Oct. 3, 2004 when Endy Chávez hit a game-ending groundout at Shea Stadium. Some jerks down in the States started a new team in D.C. with the same players and bleu, blanc et rouge uniforms. Got it?
   
   The roster is also a dead -- and do we mean dead -- giveaway that the Nationals are an expansion team. It's rather appropriate that the Washington Nationals' mascot is named Screech, since the 2007 Nats could be baseball's answer to Dustin Diamond performing Hamlet.
2. Who's on first? On-base machine Nick Johnson just resumed jogging after breaking his femur late last season and won't play at least until July. Travis Lee was expected to fill in, but decided that between nothingness and the grief that comes with being a Nat, he'll choose nothingness -- he retired today. Dmiti Young probably gets the job by default, which might give him a lot in common with Washington's other regulars.
3. At least there's Shawn Hill (pictured): The right-handed pitcher from Mississauga may end up as the No. 1 starter for the Nats since, well, who is else there? He's been tearing it up down in spring training, with a 0.93 earned-run average in 19 1/3 innings.
4. Aptly named, indeed: In Bush-Cheney Washington, it seems somwhat appropriate that the Nationals have a guy named Nook -- centre-fielder Nook Logan.
5. Nats bashing is eternal but always dated: It already feels old to rip on this team. Yes, Nationals season-ticket holders still don't have their tickets a week before the first game. Yes, their farm system is godawful. Yes, shortstop Cristian Guzmán would have trouble winning the batting title in some co-ed slow-pitch leagues.
   
   Yes, the 37 pitchers the Nats invited to spring training might as well have been auditioning to be extras in a Chuck Norris movie. With the exception of Hill, whoever ends up forming the pitching staff will get repeatedly roundhouse kicked by National League batters -- figuratively speaking. As Yahoo! Sports' Jeff Passan put it, "Their projected starting rotation was 2-13 last season. Oh, no, not their No. 5 starter. Their entire rotation."
   
   Well, who would have expected anything different come 2007 when you consider how Bud Selig, et al., let the Expos be stripped down and sold for parts? Current Mets GM Omar Minaya treated his appointment to run the Expos from 2002-04 as a chance to audition for his next job, so he traded away future stars Jason Bay and Grady Sizemore so the Expos could go 83-79. (Bay was traded straight up for Lou Collier, whose first hit for the Expos turned out to also be his last.) Washington could have had a Bay-Sizemore-Ryan Church outfield, but oh no.
   
   The Nats are essentially taking the field with their legs tied. It is unfair to rip on their players, even if they threaten to win fewer games this season than the Washington Wizards (who have 37 at this writing).
6. They say there's a plan in Washington: The team has actual owners and president Stan Kasten was with the Braves in the '90s, so that earns the benefit of the doubt. Who does anything in D.C. without a good plan? Speaking of which...
7. This is as close as Dick Cheney gets to smiling, except when he's shooting an old guy in the face: Or when war profiteer Halliburton moves its headquarters to a country that doesn't have an extradition treaty with the United States -- how convenient. Bahhhhhhhh.
8. Plenty of room on the bandwagon: In Deadspin's Nats preview, Dan Shanoff coined the word "crapportunity" to describe the state of choosing to become a Washington fan. It's a state of being similar to committing to the Toronto Raptors when they were 1-15 at the start of last season. It's appealing since it's not popular, it's not current, it means people might mock you, but if it ever leads anywhere, you get to say, "I was there, man."
   
   Hey, maybe cheering for the Nationals as akin to being a Velvet Underground fan back in 1966, if you want to get pretentious about it.
9. Need-to-know: Church and third baseman Ryan Zimmerman are going to be legit stars, Nook Logan has a cool-sounding name, Hill has 15-win potential and that's about it. It's uncool to rip on the Nats players since it's not their own doing -- that would be like making fun of a sensitive child for having red hair. (It's a pain that never ends.)
   
   The venom is saved for Bud Selig at the MLB offices in New York City who greased the skids in Montreal so the powerbrokers in Maryland and Virginia could have their new toy -- while getting the District to foot the bill for a ballpark. They wanted baseball back in Washington in the worst way -- and that's exactly how they have it. It looks good on 'em.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.