BATTER UP: MILWAUKEE BREWERS

Counting down the seconds till Opening Day when life begins anew involves providing a "starting nine" for all 29 major-league teams, and if there's time, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Presenting: The Milwaukee Brewers.

1. They're the '05 Jays, basically: Their payroll is in the $70 million range. There's an injury-prone ace pitcher -- Ben Sheets as Roy Halladay. There's a rising star in centre-field -- Bill Hall is Vernon Wells. Corner outfielder Geoff Jenkins seems to be reprising Shea Hillenbrand's role as the veteran who whines about playing time. For the role of David Bush, there's... David Bush.
   
   As for Corey Koskie, whom like Bush actually played for the Jays two seasons ago, Manitoba's major leaguer has serious concussion problems. At the risk of playing doctor, one has to wonder whether he's ever going to make it back into the Brewers lineup.
2. Lots of brawn at the corners, however you spell it: First baseman Prince Fielder (top photo), son of Cecil, posted an .830 OPS as a rookie last season, which has to be a record for a 22-year-old with a build approximating that of Cedric the Entertainer. With Koskie's injury woes, the Brewers may as well to turn over third base to Ryan Braun, who tore the cover off the ball in Double-A last season. Braun has defensive issues, so that's unlikely to happen by Opening Day.
3. Optimism, Wisconsin: With Corey Hart ready to take over in right field, Brewers are being touted as serious pennant contenders for the first time since the other Corey Hart had a song on the Top 40. Hart made a big splash last Aug. 14 when he homered in his major league debut, giving him as many hits as the lamewad hoser pop singer (one).
   
   Anyways, there's actually a buzz around this team. Just as C rations start to seem appetizing to soldiers after a while, signing No. 2 starter Jeff Suppan away from the Cardinals wowed Brewers followers long used to the small-town cheap ways of the Selig family, who sold the team in 2005. There's hope that there will no longer be a market for those T-shirts reading, "Milwaukee: A Drinking Town With a Baseball Problem," and why not?
   
   It starts with the rotation of Sheets, Suppan, lefty Chris Capuano (1.25 walks/hits per innings pitched in '06), ex-Jay David Bush and hard-throwing youngster Claudio Vargas. Come to think of it, when was the last time you could actually identify the Brewers rotation in the middle of March?
4. Are "sunglasses at night" references to Corey Hart already dated? Yes, they are. First Canadian cable TV anchor to do so -- and you know someone will -- is a wankoff.
5. So why won't they win? The Brewers have a curse on them. Now who would go to the trouble of placing a curse on a perennial also-ran team from a modest Midwestern city? Let's see. Baseball fans in Seattle had their original team yanked away after only one season thanks to future commissioner Bud Selig's manoeuvring. Toronto fans are also suspects since in 1982, Brewers pitcher Pete Vuckovich was awarded the Cy Young over Dave Stieb in one of the worst award jobbings of that decade (and the Jays almost never, ever won at the old County Stadium). Maybe Montreal Expos loyalists did it since Selig was a big part of helping systematically destroy their franchise.
   
   What's the evidence of a curse? Let's see: Miller Park opened a year late after a crane accident which killed three workers. The stadium's showcase event, the 2002 All-Star Game, was forever remember for the sight of Selig throwing up his hands in despair after both teams ran out of pitchers and the game had to declared a tie. The Brewers haven't finished above .500 since 1992, and their woes have been plumbed for a lightweight Bernie Mac comedy.
6. Seriously, why won't they win? Seriously, they're cursed. For those who are such sticklers for rationalism, the Brewers' up-the-middle strength leaves a bit to be desired. They've upgraded the hitting at catcher and centre-field but Johnny Estrada and Bill Hall (35 homers last year while playing several positions) could give that back on defence. Rickie Weeks is still learning to play second base, and whoever plays third is just keeping it warm for Braun.
7. Retro Brewer: It has to be a member of Harvey's Wallbangers, the 1982 Crew of heavy hitters who came within one victory of winning the World Series and often gave the impression that playing ball was just something they did between beer blasts and hunting trips. (Their DH that year was original 1977 Jay Roy Howell, who once got shot by one of his hunting buddies and who for a time actually wanted his teammates to call him "Target.")
   
   Dan Kois' take on the Brewers has been by far the most inspired of Deadspin's season previews and there's suspicion here that it will probably be more entertaining than the Blue Jays article. Kois posited that what made the '82 Brewers great was their preponderance of mustaches. No one embodied that hirsute home-run prowess better than Gorman Thomas (second photo; outfield, 1973-83, again in '86). His Baseball-Reference.com page makes light of him as the "slowest, fattest" centre-fielder ever, but Stormin' Gorman got to what he could and led the American League in home runs twice -- matching the number of times he led the league in strikeouts.
   
   Gorman was also a humble man. Once, a little old lady asked him to sign a ball that bore the signatures of several deceased Hall of Famers. He signed and commented, "No telling what that ball was worth before I signed it."
8. Forget the Tigers comparisons on general principle: It's become cliche to say any team could be "this year's Detroit Tigers," and it's still three weeks to Opening Day.
9. Need-to-know: The dog's breakfast that is the National League Central is wide open, but not for the Brewers, on account of they're being cursed. Milwaukee should crack the mythical 82-win barrier, but there is probably only one race their fans can look forward to.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.