BATTER UP: KANSAS CITY ROYALS

We're counting down the seconds till Opening Day, when life begins again... Until, then, each day we'll have a "starting nine" for all 29 major-league teams, and if there's time, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Presenting: The Kansas City Royals.

1. Alex Gordon and Mark Teahen can play. Teahen lefty-swinging third baseman turned right-fielder (pictured) should give K.C. fans plenty of thrills -- right up until the Royals trade him in 2010 to avoid losing him to free agency. He's moved to the outfield to make room for Gordon, whom Baseball America recently named the No. 2 prospect in all baseball.
2. They didn't always suck so hard. A big wag of the finger goes to veteran Toronto Star columnist Dave Perkins for his recent crack that longtime Royals announcer Denny Matthews being inducted into the broadcasters' wing of the Baseball Hall of Fame over late Blue Jays announcer Tom Cheek amounted to a "reward for watching the always terrible Kansas City Royals."
   
   It was a clever line, sure, but Matthews was at the mike for that run when the Royals made the playoffs seven times in 10 seasons, culminating in their 1985 World Series title (and that wasn't even the best team they've ever had). No one needs to be reminded that in '85, the Royals beat the Jays in the American League playoffs and made at least one eight-year-old boy in Eastern Ontario cry, least of all the adult that boy grew into.
3. That said, they sucked hard last year and should continue sucking in '07. Baseball Prospectus has them pegged for a 67-95 record and another last-place finish in the American League Central. That said, they'll probably win their season series against the Jays (via Royals Review).
   
4. Oh, it's not all bad. Hiring general manager Dayton Moore out of the Atlanta Braves organization instead of recycling a "proven" GM should be a positive. Besides, there's nowhere to go but up. Moore bogarted hulking first baseman Ryan Shealy from the Rockies last July 31, while Gordon is pencilled in at the other corner.
5. New meaning to "Royal Throne." A picture of Royals pitching prospect Daniel Cortes drunk, naked and sitting on a toilet recently turned up at the blog Royales With Cheese.
6. Rollback prices? Not exactly: How do you explain an unprofitable team owned by a Wal-Mart billionaire, David Glass, giving a $55 million contract to free-agent right-hander Gil Meche?

7. Retro Cool Royal: The only choice here is the late, great relief ace Dan Quisenberry, who saved a then-record 45 games in 1983. He was one of the game's all-time wits, summarizing his submarine delivery with, "I found a delivery in my flaw." Or the time he described what happens when a slider doesn't break: "The batter still hits a grounder. Except the first bounce is 275 feet away."
   
   Between The Quiz and fans-turned-writers Bill James and Rob Neyer, Royals types are a pretty cerebral bunch. James wrote once that Quisenberry and the play-by-play guy, Matthews, had a running contest. They would give each other a 10-dollar word such as "divaricate" or "triumvirate." Matthews would have to slip his word into a broadcast, and Quisenberry would have to slip his into an interview -- and both had to make it seamless enough that no one would be the wiser (The New Bill James Historical Baseball Abstract, p. 892).
   
   Since The Quiz died young of brain cancer in 1999, and the Royals have never found anyone like him -- for either their bullpen or their Scrabble team.
8. The ex-Jays whipping boy has returned. Veteran infielder Alex Gonzalez, who once appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated with A-Rod, Derek Jeter and Nomar Garciaparra (really!) and last seen hitting .111 in 20 games for the Phillies in '06, has come out of retirement and is at the Royals training camp. So he's kind of in semi-retirement.
9. Nobody f---s with DeJesus. Centre-fielder David DeJesus is the lefty version of the Jays' Reed Johnson -- a leadoff guy who doesn't do anything but get on base, but no one can figure out how. Besides, he has to be mentioned just to work in a lame Big Lebowski reference that's based on a mispronunciation anyways.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.