BATTER UP: CHICAGO CUBS

Counting down the seconds till Opening Day when life begins anew involves providing a "starting nine" for all 29 major-league teams, and if there's time, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Presenting: The Chicago Cubs.

1. The Leafs of baseball: The parallels between Toronto's hockey team and Chicago's National League ballclub deserve a haiku, don't you think?
   
   Money-grubbers
   Mediocrities
   Preying on long-suffering fans
   
   The Leafs have some work ahead of them to sink to the Cubbies' level. For instance, MLSE hasn't been caught red-handed scalping their own tickets. A Chicago judge -- please, no eye-rolling -- did clear he parent owner Chicago Tribune Co. of in any wrongdoing in that 2003 ticket scalping scandal a few years ago. But as a Baseball Musings reader put it, the Cubs should be ashamed for "creating an apathetic middle class of consumers and instead targeting a well-heeled few," which does describe the Air Canada Centre on most Saturday nights.
   
   The same year that abuse of the paying public came to light, Steve Bartman happened... karma can be a real bitch.
2. Wrigley's Red Rocket: Like Raptors fans, Cubs fans have turned a cheddarhead named Matt, left-fielder Matt Murton (pictured), into a cult icon. Whereas former Raptor Matt Bonner was a slightly goofy guy whose popularity and playing time were both out of proportion to his actual ability, Murton can flat-out play -- except this is lost on Cubs management.
   
   Chicago Sports Review's Peter Bernstein, a DePaul University prof, recently pointed out Murton's first two years compare pretty well with Luis Gonzalez and Rafael Palmeiro -- ever heard of 'em? -- when they were young left-fielders with the Cubs.
   
   Some teams would take a 25-year-old who had a .365 on-base percentage last year, write him into the No. 2 spot in the order and leaving him there, but no, not the Cubs. They're certainly not going to do it now since some ivory-tower egghead with his "facts" and "figures" had to point it out. No, the Cubs have signed dinged-up Cliff Floyd, whose career is fading faster than Britney Spears', to play left, leaving Murton in a platoon role.
3. Tell it to the bull out back, Sweet Lou: A year ago, one of the recurring spring training stories was about Alfonso Soriano (top photo) and his reluctance to play left field -- where he went on to lead the National League with 11 errors. Now the Cubs are putting the 40-homer, 40-stolen base man in centre field; manager Lou Piniella actually told the New York Times the other day, "Let's hope, he reminds me of Mike Cameron by the time the summer is over."
   
   Kee-rist. What awful fate is awaiting Mike Cameron?
4. Jim McMahon, eat your heart out: Like the punky QB of the 1985 Bears, when the Cubs hit the field, they've got no plan, unless you think putting Piniella and temperamental Ted Lilly in the same locker room would make a great reality show. In his younger days, Sweet Lou would have had a field day with Lilly.
   
   (UPDATE, 7:40 p.m.: Lilly's pitching line from today: Nine hits, four runs all earned in five innings vs. the Rockies. My heart is breaking.)
5. Retro Cool Cubbie: As if it could be anyone other than the greatest Canuck major-leaguer who ever was, Fergie Jenkins (right-handed pitcher, 1966-73, '82-83). No more needs to be said, other than to relate Jenkins' greatest moment as a member of the Boston Red Sox. Jenkins and several teammates who didn't care for Don Zimmer's managing called themselves the Loyal Order of the Buffalo Heads. Jenkins explained it to Sports Illustrated, "My Indian friends consider the buffalo the dumbest, ugliest animal in captivity."
   
   Naturally, Don Zimmer wound up guiding the Cubs to a division title about a decade later.
6. This trade makes total sense: Fox Sports' Ken Rosenthal reported the other day that the Cubs are interested in trading for for shortstop Clint Barmes. Barmes is the guy best known for having his career derailed by a freak injury. In 2005, he fell down the steps of his apartment building while carrying a large slab of deer meat. Some would say Barmes is already a Cub in spirit.
7. Trivia: Who's the last good everyday player the Cubs drafted and developed who spent his prime years with the team? That would be Mark Grace -- who's been retired since 2003.
8. Need-to-know: The numbers 62 and 99 not only represent the number of years that will have elapsed since the Cubs' last league and World Series championships, but 62-99 might be a good rough guess at their final record in 2007. (Yes, I'm predicting a rainout that will not be made up -- how's that for ballsy?)
   
   Going from 66 wins to whatever it would take to win the NL Central -- probably something less than 90 -- is no fait accompli no matter how healthy starters Mark Prior and Kerry Wood are and/or whether corner infielders Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez play the full schedule.
   
   Chicago regressed steadily during Dusty Baker's four years as manager and hiring another celebrity manager won't reverse the tide.
9. The Cubs work a little blue: Twenty-four years later, Lee Elia's infamous tirade remains the stuff of legend.
   
   

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.