BATTER UP: BALTIMORE ORIOLES

Counting down the seconds till Opening Day when life begins anew involves providing a "starting nine" for all 29 major-league teams, and if there's time, the Devil Rays. Presenting: The Baltimore Orioles, guaranteed free of reference to Kris Benson's spouse.

1. You heard me -- usurped! Time was, no matter how bad the Boreioles were -- remember that 0-21 start in 1988? -- the team served a purpose since the President needed a place to throw out the first ball of the season. Now that baseball is back in Washington (kind of), that has been usurped, but the Orioles still have Boog Powell's barbeque stand behind the right-field bleachers.
   
   The Boreioles have started the season on a positive note. So far, the team has shown up for every scheduled game. Owner Peter Angelos actually condescended to show up once. It's not clear if they can keep up such a blistering pace.
2. The Internats: Eleven O's played in the 2006 World Baseball Classic. Maybe team management should just totally give up on fielding a winner -- as if they haven't already --- and just cater to baseball-loving expats working in the D.C. area. Anyone who works at the Canadian embassy can swing by Camden Yards to cheer on Canuck pitchers Adam Loewen and the pride of Eastern Ontario, Erik Bedard (pictured). Greeks have right-fielder Nick Markasis, Latin America is well-represented between Miguel Tejada, Melvin Mora and Daniel Cabrera, and designated hitter Kevin Millar is from Mars.
   
   Guys with quote, unquote American-sounding names should only be allowed to play for the Orioles if they are throughly average. This might explain why they acquired Aubrey Huff.
3. The Boreioles' staff ERA isn't the only thing that's revolting: It's come to the point under Peter Angelos' ownership where Orioles fans, congregating under the banner Free The Birds, held a walkout during a game last Sept. 21.
4. Leo Mazzone likes a challenge: The genius behind all those Atlanta Braves pitching staffs furrowed many a brow when he made a lateral move to take become Baltimore's pitching coach before last season. Mazzone still has his work cut out for him, but he's made several mediocre pitchers half-decent for a season or two until the hitters catch up. If there's one thing the Boreioles have, it's mediocre pitchers.
5. Stay humble: It's important that Jays fans not get too haughty toward the Borei -- fine, Orioles -- since Toronto needs all the karma it can get. Loewen seems poised for a breakout year. Cabrera is half-scary since he's 6-foot-7, 260, throws in the high 90s and has almost no idea where it's going (104 walks in 148 innings last season).
6. You think Melvin Mora is a little religious? The third baseman is the father of five-year-old quintuplets whose given names include Rebekah, Genesis, Christian Emmanuel and Matthew David. The other is a girl named Jada. Three guesses who's going to be the rebel of the Mora brood.
7. Try to say something nice about the power positions: Markasis has potential and veteran Jay Payton is a good fourth outfielder. (Wait? He's starting?!) Millar and Jay Gibbons together make one throughly average DH or first baseman.
8. Retro O: Working-class Baltimore was a perfect fit for Al Bumbry (centre-fielder, 1972-84), one of the few Vietnam veterans who went on to play in the major leagues. Bumbry, a Bronze Star recipient, was one of those lunch-bucket guys whom Earl Weaver always had a place for during the Orioles' glory days. Bumbry was a starter for pennant winners in 1979 and '83, but had his best season in 1980, scoring 118 runs, stealing 44 bases and posting a .392 on-base percentage to help the Orioles win 100 games. He's still in baseball, coaching with the Atlantic League's York Revolution.
   
   Apropos of nothing, I remember seeing Al Bumbry appears in a full Orioles uniform on the kids' show Romper Room. There were several local versions of that show, but the one that aired in the Kingston area had a host who used to end the show by holding up her "magic mirror" and throwing out a string of names to represent the audience: "I see Jason... and Jenny... I see Christopher ... and Kevin... and Kayla." You'd think that just once, she could have seen Nathan, but nooooooo.
9. Need-to-know: The X factor for Baltimore is how much its pitching staff improves in Year 2 of Mazzone's tutelage, since the hitting will remain nondescript. Only Tejada and catcher Ramon Hernandez are above-average hitters for their positions. The Orioles have not finished in the division basement since that 107-loss in 1988, but they're going to give it their best shot.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.