NFL PREVIEW IN 30 MINUTES, OR IT'S FREE

The NFL season is starting tomorrow? Hadn't noticed. The media, old and new alike, have really been deliquent in getting the word out that a new season starts tomorrow... it's the Doopie-Loopies against the Shimmy-Shammies in the first game, right?

To be honest, the NFL is the most overhyped sports league in creation, and it seems to get less interesting with each passing year. (That could change if Toronto ever got a team, which as Chris Young noted, that will never happen.)

Resistance is futile, though. You have to pay attention to the NFL, just to be conversant, because your sports-liking co-workers and friends will tune out any talk about so-called fringe sports. So you're damned if you do, since you're just adding to the endless media maw, and you're damned if you don't.

So Out of Left Field is going to try to come up with division-by-division predictions in 30 minutes or less. That preamble took eight minutes. That leaves 22 to predict the final standings.

AFC WEST

1. Denver Broncos. True story: Mike Shanahan once put his mother-in-law in at running back for one play and she ran off right tackle for eight yards.

2. Kansas City Chiefs. Herm Edwards' specialty is defence, and if the Chiefs can play D halfway decently, they should be fine. Wild card is possible.

3. San Diego Chargers. If Philip Rivers comes around, then maybe they're a wild-card team.

4. Oakland Raiders. New QB Aaron Brooks will always keep both teams in the game.

AFC SOUTH

1. Indianapolis Colts. Quarterback Peyton Manning walked into Subway the other day and ordered a roast chicken on whole wheat. No! Make that a sweet onion chicken teriyaki on Italian. With Swiss cheese. No, without! How about roast beef on white? As part of a meal deal? No, just a medium soft drink, please. Finally, as the customers behind him in line started looking for projectiles to aim at him, Manning scrapped the sandwich order and bought a V8.

2. Tennessee. What the hell. Bad things await the Jaguars, and the Titans have quietly improved in the off-season.

3. Jacksonville. OK, so the Jags were 12-4 last season, but considering Byron Leftwich's awful pre-season, their lack of offence is going to catch up to them soon.

4. Houston Texans. Take heart, Houston. There's a Texan in the White House having a much worse year. Besides, isn't it better for the sport as a whole that Reggie Bush doesn't have to try to run behind your anemic O-line?

AFC NORTH

1. Cincinnati Bengals. Killer schedule knocks them down to a No. 3 or No. 4 seed.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers (wild card). Should overcome the post-Super Bowl hangover.

3. Baltimore Ravens. A new QB/RB tandem does not a better team make.

4. Cleveland Browns. A moral victory for them would be a 7-9 season.

AFC EAST

1. Miami Dolphins. The missing link in Miami ever since Dan Marino retired has been the quarterback, and Daunte Culpepper seems fully recovered. They're deep on defence, and if they can start scoring more in the red zone, they make the playoffs.

2. New England Patriots (wild card). In Bill they trust, and why not?

3. N.Y. Jets. I fear to watch, yet I cannot look away.

4. Buffalo Bills. Only hope for avoiding the basement is if the Jets go like 2-14.

Playoff seeding:
1) Indy 2) Miami 3) Denver 4) Cincinnati 5) New England 6) Pittsburgh

First round: New England over Cincinnati, Denver over Pittsburgh

Second round: Miami over Denver, Indy over New England

AFC Championship: Indy over Miami

NFC WEST

1. Seattle Seahawks. Yesterday coach Mike Holmgren's day planner read like this: "8 a.m. Whine about how wife cooked breakfast. 8:15 a.m. Whine about how paperboy threw the morning Seattle Times on front step..."

2. Arizona Cardinals. Loaded on offence, but it's still a bunch of SOBs (Same Old Buzzsaw). Will contend for a wild-card until the bitter end.

3. St. Louis Rams. No D in the name, no D in their game.

4. San Francisco 49ers. Hard to believe they were a playoff team four short years ago.

NFC SOUTH

1. Carolina Panthers. They reached the NFC championship last season despite not having a home playoff game and having only one reliable wideout. That's how good they can be.

2. Atlanta Falcons (wild card). John Abraham and Patrick Kerney as the bookends for a rebuilt defence equals 10 or 11 wins.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Aging team is on the downswing; Bucs burned out youngster Carnell Williams with too many carries last season.

4. New Orleans Saints. Major rebuilding job, but at least Reggie Bush will be good for one highlight-reel play per game.

NFC NORTH (aka "The Norris")

1. Minnesota Vikings. The healing starts now. Bend-but-don't-break defence, competent offence enough for 10 wins, which will win this division.

2. Chicago Bears. Drop-dead favourite to win the Norris is headed for a fall. Just a hunch.

3. Detroit Lions. Every year the Lions are predicted to go somewhere in January. This year it's Puerto Vallarta. (UPDATE: Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen being arresting for driving his car drunk and naked probably will stand as one of the more dignified events of the season.)

4. Green Bay Packers. OK, outside of Brett Favre mailing it in, why else is the Pack going to ache this year? Swiss cheese offensive line, too many miles on Ahman Green, poor personnel on defence . . . at least Canadian punter Jon Ryan will see the field a lot.

NFC EAST

1. Dallas Cowboys. Have a look about them -- that of a team that will win its division on pure talent and crap out in the first round of the playoffs.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (wild card). Should bounce back from injury-riddled '05 and the T.O. distraction.

3. Washington Redskins. Overworked Clinton Portis last season and now he's hobbling; overall talent is not that great. One Mark Brunell injury away from disaster.

4. N.Y. Giants. How in the hell these guys hosted a playoff game last season is a mystery.

Playoff seeding: 1) Carolina 2) Seattle 3) Dallas 4) Minnesota 5) Philadelphia 6) Atlanta

First round: Atlanta over Dallas, Minnesota over Philly

Second round: Carolina over Atlanta, Seattle over Minnesota

NFC Championship: Carolina over Seattle.

Super Bowl: Carolina over Indianapolis.

(Only because we know better than to predict championships for Peyton Manning-led teams.)

That took 45 minutes, so I guess it's free.

Related:
NFC Norris: Green Bay Is In For A World Of Pain (Aug. 2)
NFC Norris: Sweet Home Chicago... Well, Not So Much (Aug. 1)
NFC Norris: No Lion, Detroit Is Gonna Be Terrible Again (July 30)
Blog Blasts Past, No. 2: Damn Vikings (July 17)

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.