SLOTBACK SLOG: THE EDMONTON ESKIMOS

Yes, the Canadian Football League season kicks off on Friday. To ensure that you don't get flagged for a time-count violation (that's Canadian for "delay of game"), Out of Left Field has slapped together -- and I do mean slapped -- some team capsules for upcoming season. As part of its contribution to the fight to end Eastern bias within our lifetime, we're starting on the West Coast and working our way east amid various hilarious highjinks, much like those crazy kids in National Lampoon's Going The Distance. Presenting: The fightin' Edmonton Eskimos.

EDMONTON ESKIMOS
2005 record: 11-7, won Grey Cup
Head coach: Danny Maciocia
Who looks kind of like: He's looking forward to finishing Grade 12.
Famous alumni: Warren Moon. Enough said.
Hey, didn't you used to play for? .... : RB Troy Davis holds the sole distinction of being the only player in NCAA history to rush for 2,000 yards in back-to-back seasons; wideout Jason Tucker once played for the Dallas Cowboys
No, that's really his name: OL Patrick Kabongo
Trivial trivia: Before converting to fullback, Mathieu Bertrand twice quarterbacked the Laval Rouge et Or to the Vanier Cup, Canada's university football championship.
Guy who's been there forever: K/P Sean Fleming
Key off-season pickups: DT Robert Brown, DB Reggie Durden
CanCon: A couple reserve backs named Mike -- tailback Bradley and fullback Maurer.

Until you live in the West, you don't really get an appreciation of what a rotten bunch the Edmonton Eskimos are.

They are vile, despicable, smug and smarmy, waving their string of Grey Cup titles in everyone's faces, because aside from the Oilers, the tar sands and maybe the wave pool at that damn mall, what else can Deadmonton take pride in?

It's not a surprise that Edmonton calls itself the City of Champions -- it's only surprising that it waited for the Eskies to run off five straight Grey Cups from 1978 to '82 and for the Oilers to start winning Stanley Cups before it anointed itself with such a boastful sobriquet.

Yet we come not to bury the Eskimos, but to praise them. Year after miserable soul-sucking year, they're there -- the Yankees and Duke University of the CFL. The names and faces change, but aside from an inexplicable stretch between 1997 and 2001 where they were shut out of Grey Cup berths, they're usually in the big game about every other year. They've played in three of the past four Grey Cups, winning twice.

They find ways to get around the rules -- like last season, when they engineered a mid-season deal with Hamilton that essentially sent the Tabbies quarterback Jason Maas, but allowed him to finish out the season in Edmonton. The whole affair reeked to high heaven when Maas came off the bench in both Edmonton playoff wins prior to the Grey Cup -- then was promptly sent to Hamilton within days of the championship game.

As this Edmonton Sun story chronicles, the Oilers' impending defeat isn't the only matter of concern these days. Edmonton's collective capacity for poor-mouthing, which would put Lou Holtz himself to shame, is in high gear. But-but-but, the party line holds, our secondary hasn't played together. We have new people in at linebacker and defensive line. Our O-line's been rebuilt. We have to play the Stampeders back-to-back to open the season.

Oh, do shut up already. Anyone who's smart enough to know only a total masochist would become the next CFL commissioner knows that the Eskimos will come around. It's just a matter of when. The Eskimos still have the Grey Cup MVP, Ricky Ray, who'll be handing off to the likes of Troy Davis and Canadian-born back Dahrran Diedrick, while throwing to veterans Jason Tucker, Derrell (Mookie) Mitchell, Ed Hervey and Trevor Gaylor, who you might remember as the guy who holds Miami of Ohio's all-time receiving record. (If you do remember that, seek help, please.)

Defensively, it's a bit of dog's breakfast, with veteran D-back Shannon Garrett being experimented with at linebacker and several players working at the defensive end spots. Edmonton did add tackle Robert Brown and defensive back Reggie Durden from Montreal to bolster a unit that allowed the fewest points in the West in '05.

Sean Fleming has been Edmonton's kicker since Brian Mulroney was in office (the Bush 41 administration, for you American readers). Return specialist Tony Tompkins racked up close to 2,000 yards in runbacks last season and had a league-high four return touchdowns. He's also from Port Arthur, Texas, hometown of Janis Joplin. So he's got that goin' for him, which is nice.

Bottom line: The Eskimos will be in the mix after Nov. 1. They always are.

(Previous capsules: B.C. Lions, Calgary Stampeders.)