REQUIEM FOR THE RED ROCKET

But I can take the heat 'cause I'm the other white meat known as Kid Funky Fried.

Before going into specifics about the deal the Raptors made yesterday, let's bow our heads and say a prayer for Matt Bonner. He will be missed.

Bonner was a folk hero in T.O., and not just because he was the classic goofy 6-foot-10 white guy who manages to stick in the NBA by mastering one skill, like rebounding or in his case, being able to hit open shots when left completely open. Bonner wasn't the über-goofy white guy -- no one can hold a candle to Kurt Rambis in his L.A. Lakers days -- but he was on the mythical starting five, for things like hating to wear a suit, fretting over paying another $2 to load up his Subway sandwich extra chicken, his Napoleon Dynamite-like dance moves in the video the Raptors played on the scoreboard during the pregame introductions last season, and having red hair.

The red hair did it for this fellow redhead. Since the beginning of time, there has never been a redheaded male who could lay claim to leading man status or being a babe magnet. Redheaded women are in from time to time. Redheaded guys, forever oddballs and outcasts. Take your pick: the Shermanator in American Pie; Eric Forman on That '70s Show; Ducky in Sixteen Candles; any role Seth Green has ever had or any role Philip Seymour Hoffman had, pre-Capote.

Getting back to Bonner, what cemented his cultishness was his admirable decision to, despite his NBA salary, to forgo having a car in Toronto. His nickname, Red Rocket, came because he realized that you don't need a car to get around Toronto, and instead preferred taking the subways, which in T.O. use the slogan "ride the rocket."

So here's hoping the Raptors didn't tempt the hideoous bitch goddess that is karma by sending Bonner to San Antonio. San Antonio! If they were going to trade Bonner, they should have at least done some research into the quality of public transportation in the city they were sending him to. Some place like Chicago, Seattle or New York.

Without doing any research into San Antonio, one can only assume that an overgrown redneck cowtown in red-state Texas, where they worship their pickup trucks and, of late, Hummer H3s probably has terrible public transit.

He will be the Red Rocket no longer, shorn of his special nom de hoop. Terrible, terrible. He's just another goofy white guy playing 20 to 25 minutes a game, except at least people will be able to pick him out by his red hair. So he's got that goin' for him, which is nice.

OTHER BUSINESS

• So yes, the one question emanating from the trade -- the Raptors sent Bonner, spare part Eric Williams and a second-rounder in '09 to the Spurs for starting centre Rasho Nesterovic and cash -- is how this may affect their draft plans. With a true centre on hand in Nesterovic, does this mean they're leaning more toward drafting Andrea Bargnani, who by all accounts is much less of a finished project than LaMarcus Aldridge? Or does this actually put Adam Morrison back in the mix and mean Charlie Villanueva's services as a small forward might be shopped around some more?
  
  Aldridge worked out for the Raptors yesterday, and GM Bryan Colangelo, of course, raved about him. Not to say Colangelo's duplicitous, but you don't know what to believe these days -- what's bona fide and what's a smoke screen. This is far more interesting than anything that happens in the NHL off-season.
• We had some fun at the expense of Keith Hernandez yesterday. Reader Micah Karg points out Eddie Vedder has done some solo work: "He is on the soundtrack for the film I Am Sam, covering You've Got Hide Your Love Away. The soundtrack was hugely popular. Also, Vedder oftentimes will play this song solo at Pearl Jam concerts." And you said you'd never learn anything reading Out of Left Field.
• Chuck D from Public Enemy has a take on Barry Bonds you won't read anywhere else. You can't get race out of this, no matter what.
• How bad are the Atlanta Braves? Pretty bad, when they buck two trends -- the Jays' well-documented suckiness in NL parks and Tim Hudson's long-running ability to make Toronto hitters look bad, to the tune of 10-1 record with a 2.32 ERA in 13 previous career starts. Nevertheless, the Jays rolled 6-3 to make it two in a row at Turner Field. Is it too optimistic by half to hope A.J. Burnett gets his first win as a Jay in Toronto's first series sweep of '06? Don't answer that.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.