HEIRESS-RAISING TIME FOR JOSÉ THÉODORE

You'd figure that if any NHLer would be seen in public with Paris Hilton it would be have to be fast-fading goaltender José Théodore.

Théodore might be the only NHLer whose 2005-06 season was worse than '04-05, when there was no NHL. His year included having his dad and half-brother convicted on loan-sharking charges, a fall from grace in Montreal that led to him losing his starting job, being put up for sale on eBay ("one washed-up goalie"), missing part of the season after tripping on the icy steps of his home in February, testing positive for a steroid masking agent -- and getting embarrassed further, if that was possible, when it was revealed the positive test in the Propecia he was talking to combat hair loss.

Throw in a trade to the Colorado Avalanche and his finishing with the second-worst save percentage among regular NHL goalies and it was pretty much a season-long episode of Punked for the goalie who bears a passing resemblance to Ashton Kutcher.

Normally I turn my nose up at celeb gossip, but this is too good to resist. Sometimes there's a news story (I use the term loosely) and there's no headlines that come to mind. Then there's the polar opposite, which is what you get when there's a story about José and Paris.

You're limited by decorum when you work for a daily newspaper or a mainstream-media website, but Out of Left Field has never know the meaning of the word "decorum." (Or a lot of other words. That's what happens when you go through the Ontario education system. But that's another column.)

So let's have it:

• "Paris knows the way to her man José"
• "Wanted: an Avalanche.... of penicillin"
• "Théodore in red light district"
• "Paris impressed by big goalie stick"
• "Who's easier to score on?"
• "Paris pulls the goalie"

There's some wordplay on "rubber" and "five-hole" that's just not coming to me this late at night ... last, but not least, one that would be ruled out as inappropriate perhaps even at the London tabloids:

• "A Frenchman in Paris."

Paris and José, all the best. She's gonna give him the best four days of her life, no doubt about it. You betcha.

Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.