Hoserdome 2009: Playoffs, night 1

From The Rink or Puck Daddy this ain't, but it's the playoffs and absolutely nothing else of significance is going on in Canada. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, so bring on the nightly recap:

Canucks 2 Blues 1 (Vancouver leads 1-0) — Both Van goals came through the Sedin twins' line, which should be a talker for the off-day since Daniel and Henrik typically pull an el foldo in April. Truth be known, this was a bit of a bore for everyone except Canucks fans, several of whom were disguised as empty seats, although that might have had to due with a traffic snarl.

And yes, that was 13-year veteran d-man Jay McKee, of Kingston, taking consecutive penalties for the Blues. D'oh!

Rangers 4 Capitals 3 (New York leads 1-0) — Please keep an eye on the TV ratings, since for one night at least, TSN got the better series, in terms of entertainment value, in the 7 p.m. Eastern time slot.

José Théodore's bed-soiling (four goals on 20 shots) was the main post-game story on the Capitals' side. The Verizon Center ice is probably a good subplot, since pucks were bouncing everywhere and Washington's Jeff Schultz fell down to give Brandon Dubinsky the opening to score the game-winner.

Meantime, Théodore, is that one of those situations where if you stick him on the bench in Game 2, you lose him for the rest of the playoffs?



Penguins 4 Flyers 1 (Pittsburgh leads 1-0) — Please be kind and give it another game before sending the conficker virus to puck pundits who said this was the best series of the first round. These teams have a deep-seeded feud that rivals anything that exists between Jay Leno and David Letterman, but there wasn't a whole lot to see, save for a sick Sidney Crosby goal.

Cash-strapped CBC seems to be treating a marquee matchup like a regional Senators telecast, which is understandable since as it is understandably focused on the Vancouver and Montreal series. They didn't do the game in HD and didn't have the crowd miked very well (TSN's microphones picked up a lot more sights and sounds, which adds a lot if you're watching at home). There's some blood in the water in the shark tank that is the TV ratings game, since the CTV family already buried everyone with 3.1 million viewers for the send-off of Corner Gas.

Devils 4 'Canes 1 (New Jersey leads 1-0) — One reason for not un-mothballing the Hoser's Guide to Hockey Hatred was not knowing how to slot the Devils.

Having Kevin Smith, the schlubby sensitive English major's pride and joy, as their celebrity fan gives them a lifetime out from the fact they damn near wrecked the sport in the early 2000s. It's all water under the bridge when Smith, billed as "director, Zach and Miri" (clipping the title is understandable, so far be it to point out it was Z-a-c-k and Miri Make A Porno) coins a way to take The Great One's name in vain:

"I present you with our compromise: anytime I work myself up into a lather about the Devs, so much so that I lose my head and include potentially offensive terminology? I will then swap said terminology for the kindler, gentler, more family-friendly and NHL-approved term 'Gretzky' (or a derivative/conjugation of Mr. Gretzky’s names) instead

"... I know what you’re thinking: 'Listen to this fat [Gretzky] braggin’ about all the money he’s got! Big man, with the pregnant-lady gut and the [Gretzin'] arm flab! Hey, Fatty – you’re gonna die alone, you morbidly obese [Great One]!"

The game was on TSN2 in Canada, so a Rogers cable subscriber of three years' standing can only imagined what happened. Apparently Zach Parise, aptly enough, scored a sweet goal.

There is probably a better time and place to go into this (like a psychiatrist's office), but back in 1995 or '96, Kevin Smith's movies spawned a personal reason to not use "swears" on the printed page if it could be avoided. Talk about a lack of flurking foresight.

Last but not least, the one-and-only Jonah Keri went in a playoff pool, so he's rediscovering his hoser roots.