Friday, January 16, 2009

If you reference Jeff Foxworthy, you might be ...

It's a good week when FOX Sports' Joe Buck and's Bill Simmons have so clearly worn out their welcomes.

Simmons hasn't stopped mewling about taking the collar on his NFL playoff picks last week, going 0-for-4 on the divisional games. It earned him a Drew Magary denunciation on Deadspin () and a right good FJMing from Kissing Suzy Kolber.
BS: "Can you think of any two people who have less in common than James Brown and Pacman Jones?"
KSK: "Caligula and Judge Reinhold."
There is the element of "who cares? So they're big media stars and you're not," but it's worth sharing since some people be like-minded about both individuals in question. Magary also had a great point that people should maybe get past the, "I think (blank) are going to win," unless you're someone on the level of Nate Silver of Baseball Prospectus and FiveThirtyEight fame. His rant would have done yours truly some good after 8-0 Queen's lost to 4-4 in Ottawa in the OUA football playoffs.

Simmons' act was fresh in the late '90s and in the 2000s, but it's become the sport media's analog to Will Ferrell's man-child act. It ticked the giggly in the late '90s and early 2000s, when people -- especially men who realized that you're not going to be young forever, but you can at least be immature -- just needed to disappear into, say, one of Ferrell's comic constructs and laugh like a hyena for 92 minutes. Eventually, you wonder when someone who's a NBA guy in his medium will stop making an ABA movie, to paraphrase one review of Ferrell's thin 2008 vehicle, Semi-Pro. It is often a similar deal with Simmons' references to 1980s pop culture, the Boston Celtics of that era, gambling, Grady Little and porn.

(Et tu, Sagert?)

As for Buck, there's nothing wrong in gnashing your teeth as he somnambulates through a telecast for the 1,001st time. Buck is a good traffic director, to borrow a term used by a TV person in one of Dan Jenkins' satiric novels. He works in television, where they take a break every seven minutes, reinforcing the message that nothing matters (not this is anything close to an original insight). As a Deadspin commenter noted, it is fun to re-imagine iconic sports moments, like the 1980 Miracle on Ice, as they would have been called by the late, great Jack Buck's issue:
Dave Silk clears the puck, it doesn't look like the Soviets will be able to regroup in time, and the U.S. advances to the gold medal game against Finland.
Again, it doesn't matter, but it's a good release. The larger point is that we are at the end of a decade, and in on the very small sports-fan scale, Buck and Simmons should be left behind in this one, where they belong.

(Buck and other play-by-play guys will be a topic of discussion today on Offsides, Kingston's most listened to hour-long sports show, 4 p.m. ET on CFRC 101.9 FM,

Winless, but not witless ... (Bill Simmons,
Always Be Covering: Unless Of Course You’re Too Busy Dissecting Teen Wolf (Kissing Suzy Kolber)
Kenny Albert Should Replace Joe Buck as Fox's No. 1 NFL Voice Before We Are All in a Coma (Stephen Kaus, Huffington Post)

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