Thursday, September 04, 2008

Snark break ... runnin' down your team

Posting on the NFL almost seems pointless, since Kissing Suzy Kolber has a monopoly on the humour end of the spectrum and Football Outsiders has that so-sober-and-rational-it's-annoying end nailed down.

Epic Carnival is previewing all 32 teams (yours truly wrote up the Bills and the Kansas City Chiefs, don't ask). Meantime,with all acknowledgement and apologies to Tom Petty, we're running down your team ...

Arizona Cardinals
Year 3 is usually when a team takes the training wheels off a quarterback, but that's been set back since Matt Leinart seems overly interested in girls three years removed from training bras.

(Leinart's ticked he actually has to earn something.)

Atlanta Falcons
Spotted in the personals: SWF (Some Woeful Franchise) seeks SWM to play quarterback. Must love dogs.

Baltimore Ravens
No one's saying the Ravens are limited on offence, but the play wristband for rookie quarterback Joe Flacco reads in its entirety, "Take a knee."

Toronto Buffalo Bills
Are standing between Brett Favre and the Jets making the playoffs, so we'll see if the power of mass prayer has any validity.

Carolina Panthers
They are fast running out of whatever holds Jake Delhomme together.

Chicago Bears
Bears GM Jerry Angelo was totally gonna address his team's needs at quarterback, offensive line and wide receiver in the off-season. Instead, he just hid under a big pile of coats and figured everything would be OK.

The Bears finished 32nd in yards allowed during pre-season while facing a star-studded lineup of quarterbacks: Brodie Croyle, Charlie Frye, J.T. O'Sullivan, and Brady Quinn (hat tip: Stampede Blue). Granted, each of them would be an improvement on the Bears' QBs.

Cincinnati Bengals
No one has changed his name or been arrested all week. It's not clear that the Bengals can keep up that pace.

Cleveland Browns
Judging by their recent fortunes, yes it would kill them to beat the Steelers, just once.

Dallas Cowboys
Best prop bet ever: The unloved, ignored Houston Texans make the playoffs. The Cowboys don't and Jerry Jones' head explodes.

Denver Broncos
The day after a nuclear holocaust, a rookie Denver running back will run for 125 yards in his first NFL start.

Detroit Lions
Lions president Matt Millen isn't completely useless. Embattled Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is using him as a bad example.

Green Bay Packers
Matt Flynn
is a torn knee ligament away from starting. Can't wait!

Houston Texans:
Everyone should be on their bandwagon, because former Texans GM Charlie Casserly doesn't demand that every media item about him mention that he drafted Mario Williams, who's a defensive star, when everyone else said take Reggie Bush.

Indianapolis Colts
Who is this Lucas Oil fellow that their new stadium is named after?

Jacksonville Jaguars
When did Jacksonville start thinking it was big league?

Kansas City Chiefs
Contrary to what people are saying, Brodie Croyle is a franchise quarterback. Unfortunately for the Chiefs, that franchise is a Denny's.

Miami Dolphins
They're not as bad as they once were, but they're as bad once as they ever were -- and it always happens the week you bet on them.

New England Patriots
President Bush
has had more exhausting schedules than the Patriots. Cue Gene Wojciechowski:
"New England's first five weeks of its schedule: Kansas City, at New York Jets, Miami, bye, at San Francisco. In order of toughness, I rank it, at Jets, at Niners, bye, Dolphins and Chiefs."
New Orleans Saints
Without centre Jeff Faine (gone to Tampa Bay), they have an offensive line that feigns interest in pass blocking.

New York Giants
True story: Eli Manning and his mother went antiquing this summer, whereupon they found Michael Strahan.

New York Jets
Brett Favre
is there to beat the Dolphins, you dumbass.

Oakland Raiders
They wouldn't be in such a fix if Al Davis was still alive.

Philadelphia Eagles
Andy Reid
is closing in on 100 career wins, all of them small victories.

Pittsburgh Steelers
Lucky for them they're in the AFC North.

St. Louis Rams
Just move back to Los Angeles already.

San Diego Chargers
They'll still be a trendy Super Bowl pick next season.

San Francisco 49ers
Their linebacker Patrick Willis is the best defensive player no one's ever heard of -- and having Mike Martz as Frisco's offensive co-ordinator will keep it that way.

Seattle Seahawks
In the latest sign of Hollwood's creative bankruptcy, the film Coma is being remade. Apparently in this version, the victims are shown tapes of the Seahawks' offence.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Between Michael Bennett, Earnest Graham, slightly-younger-than-carbon Warrick Dunn and a healthy Cadillac Williams, you might be able to find one mediocre running back in there.

Tennessee Titans
Vince Young
's arm is less accurate than some talk radio claims about Barack Obama, yet he's still awesome.

Washington Redskins
You'll soon find out why they're spending so much time on their fantasy football league.

Quarterback Jason Campbell was smart not to draft himself, because he knows who he has for wide receivers.

Right, the Vikes

The Vikes are getting a lot of love, even with Bryant McKinnie gone from the left side of the offensive line, Adrian Peterson's favourite side, for the first four games due to his suspension.

More than one national outlet in the States has them playing in the NFC title game, or the Super Bowl. A lot depends on how much you believe in Tarvaris Jackson.


Tyler King said...

I believe in Tarvaris Jackson. I believe he exists.

sager said...

That was weaker than Chad Pennington trying to throw a deep route.