ALLARD: TIME FOR MURRAY TO OUST HIMSELF?

Jean-Pierre Allard thought he could get in and out of Canadian Tire quickly the other day. "Only need to pick up some duct tape and a 9-volt battery," he said. However, Edna Babblecock cut him off around Housewares, and he was a goner. He did his rock and/or roll duty though, passing along his thoughts ahead of tonight's Sabres-Sens game.

Look it, this old broad has seen it all. But she's never ever seen such a scene of distress at the Lodge. Frankly, we’re scared here.

And it’s not because Mayor Lare is coming to visit this week. No, it's because we’re fearing for our lives should the unthinkable happen and the Senators do their best at aping the 1987 Blow Jays or the 1964 Pholdin' Phils and miss the playoffs by losing their remaining five games of what had been foolishly dubbed a dynasty-in-the-making season by that "Scandal Sandal" Scanlan chap, after his Sennies had only played 17 easy games.

Consider the following nonsense that old man Tremblay wrote on his old Commodore 64 on Tuesday night after he got tired of seeing old Commodore 44 get breezed-by 24 times too many, and sent to the Ottawa Sun and the other Ottawa daily too. It would have been so apropos this morning if the team that he likes to call the Ottawa Pylons had not inexplicably come to life and made Buffalo's playoff hopes extinct with five goals in eight minutes.

"Has a coach/GM ever fired himself as coach with 5 games left in the season, after replacing the coach he fired in mid-season, the same one that he hand-picked as his own replacement last summer while GM, and then, with mounting evidence that he, as GM, has almost single-handedly destroyed a team that went to the finals just 9 months ago, re-hires the man he fired as his replacement and then grudgingly resigns as GM, but not before handpicking the man he replaced as GM last June to be his replacement as the new GM?"

But no, the gutless ones gutted one out for The Mighty SOPO, fresh off his appearance on the Toronto Sports Network's Off The Record, though he very nearly needed Botox injections after the show from smiling so much for the hot cameras and saying so little under hot questioning from host Michael Landsberg. Gee Roy, the darn show is called Off The Record, get it? And when you said the Ottawa media had actually been fair, you think you could have slipped in the little known fact that your altered ego, The Mighty SOPO, often comes across as making sure they spin only the rose-coloured stories.

Frankly, we’re scandalized that nary a word has been said about Martin Gerber's mask and its 65 shades of black that he dons night after night. We remember clearly that he had commissioned a special one back in November when the Sennies were playing like the 1976-77 Habs and he decided to speak the magic spell, opting to leave that to Capitaine Haddock (AKA John Paddock) instead. You should have switched, Martin. The Unknown Soldier you are clearly not, despite your heroics in not strangling Stoneface when he pulled you from that Philly game in November, which is really when the team’s wheels fell off and which is also when you should have switched masks.

Getting back to the present and tonight's return game vs. the Sabres, there is a reason Buffalo is on the outside looking in. It's called Darcy Regier showing GM Bryan Campbell the way to San Jose and not caring one iota about the paying public, unlike someone in Kanata who may yet live to regret the day he decided to join the circus and put on a show for the locals at this year’s June draft instead of getting the Bulin Wall and another pillar on the blueline.

Whoa Hortense, not so fast. Murray just pulled an ace from his sleeve.

No, see, the reason he didn’t trade for a big mean D is because he knew he would call up rookie defenceman Brian "Papier Maché" Lee from Bingo when there would be no more pressure. Which, he reckoned, was against the Sabres on Tuesday when he put him in the lineup in place of "Give it Awade" Redden. So the boy, who Felicity said looks no more than 13, had a great game. Even Apork opined in the same way.

But it’s one lousy game and so, once again, we’re shaking our heads with The Citizen yesterday proclaiming him to be the saviour of the season and playoffs for Ottawa. I personally would at least wait until he goes in the corner with Saku Koivu before pronouncing him Mr. Lee.

Once again, Darquise was right on when she noticed something in last night’s game that no one else did.

Not the fact that Chris Phillips turned the other cheek from an invitation to dance which would have been his first freaking fight in the NHL. No, she noticed that Daniel Alfredsson, after he scored his second of the night to make it 5-3, had, not the usual Spezza Smirk, but a huge grin from ear to ear, which surely didn't escape the Sabres' attention.

Chalk this one to another bizarre Alfie moment. And yet another arena (anybody keeping count?) where the brave captain will likely be booed next year. Oh, and Darquise also noticed Murray patting him on the shoulder to give him the rest of the last minute and a half off, so certain was he there would be no brawl on this night (sorry Ray) and that consequently his presence would no be required.

(The story goes that Daniel was in pain and left the game as a precautionary measure. Woman, there were 75 freaking seconds left in the game. You’re the captain. Stay on the bench until the end, unlike the fans of your team who leave midway in the third period, so sick of hearing the 12,000 Leafs fans boo the crap out of you.

So forget the last two games, Sens Army brats. No matter what, this team will be hard pressed to win more than one game in the first round, if they do make it, as there are way too many players who can't skate, can't score, can't check, can’t fight, won't pay the price, won’t defend their teammates (even Ray) and, surprise, surprise simply not one goalie that can stop the pucks when it matters most.

And to think that Bryan Murray is the architect of his own demise, yet he threw himself into the jungle after throwing Haddock back, as if he thought he would get as lucky as he was last year. That is until they had a most adverse reaction to duck confit.

Only in Ottawa was Darquise overheard saying, just before she got up to change that damn Bob Marley song Buffalo Soldier that kept skipping on the old Hi-Five. And to think that The Mighty SOPO had the gall to reveal on air that he did not have one favourite Alanis song. You oughta know that we thank you, Mr. Cleveland.

Jean-Pierre Allard
March 27, 2008
Ottawa, Ont.