THE GLORIOUS GUEST POST: THOUGHTS ON THE NHL PLAYOFFS. BECAUSE YOU CARE.

Hello, friends. My name is Ted, and I'm not Neate (I can't hold a candle to him, really). I occasionally do some guest work for him, primarily speculating about whon Jessica Simpson might have slept with during her high school years. Moreover, though, I write here often. Come by and see me. I long for acceptance.

Today, a little guest work on Out of Left Field: my thoughts on the NHL playoffs. I'm not a hockey fan, nor would I ever claim to be. I've been to two games live ever -- Capitals back in 2000, and Bruins vs. Senators last winter in Boston -- and watched maybe 10-12 games in their entirety on television. But, I really like the NHL Playoffs, even if I view it somewhat from afar, as a psuedo-fan who, every April and May, considers becoming a real one. Here are my ramblings on the matter:

Back in 2004, I was shopping (read: standing around awkwardly) with my then-girlfriend on a Saturday afternoon (when I used to have Saturdays off, which seems like eons ago) when, looking for something to do, I placed a phone call to my friend Peter back on the east coast. It was the third Saturday of April, around 2 in the afternoon Central time, which means one thing: the NBA playoffs are about 30 minutes from starting on ABC.

Peter and I are both basketball fans. We once wrote a cover story for the Georgetown student newspaper about the pickup basketball culture in Washington, D.C. We started to discuss the playoffs, in the holistic sense. He said to me at one point, "I don't really care about it yet. I mean, I could start walking today and by the time there's a Game 7 of the NBA Finals, I'd be in Madagascar." I laughed. The reason? The sheer veracity of the statement.

The NBA playoffs are cool -- you see some sick dunks, some nice buzzer-beating threes, a few coaching tirades at press conferences - but honestly, they don't compare to the NHL playoffs. The NBA playoffs are token displays of individuality in a society consumed by it (wow, that was deep), but the NHL playoffs are the ultimate in team concept: Gritty, hard-fought, people flying through glass, all that good stuff. They also seem shorter, although it's not by much. It's also cool to see Canadians happy. I like them a lot ("all tucked away down there" -- Homer Simpson).

So, I'll be watching, as I do every year. Sometimes it's hard to get the games. What the heck is Versus, anyway? Sometimes the Calgary or Vancouver ones start a wee bit late for me, so I just hope to catch the highlights on the flip side. Since there's 16 teams going to this ultimate ice dance, I figured I'd list 16 thoughts I had about the Cup playoffs, which should be tough because I'm not sure I can name 16 players in the NHL at this moment. Here goes nothing:

1. I'm depressed that the Avs aren't in it this year. I have a strong connection with the Avalanche, considering the only time I've been to Denver was for a two-hour flight layover. Here's why: a) I once owned an Avs jersey, and that's big time, since I tend to only buy jerseys of washed-up former players, such as Tim Couch; b) I was unreal with them in the video game NHL 1996 -- I could score on anyone; c) some of their games with the Red Wings in the late 1990s classify as the greatest sporting events you'll ever see, regardless of sport; d) my dad helped design the Pepsi Center, which I think is cool; e) they "saved" hockey at a time when it needed saving with their reckless, offensive-driven style of play. I love teams that "save" things. It's so trite to say, but so powerful in its own right.

2. I rooted for the Flames in '04, because my then-girlfriend lived with a girl who was kind of a bitch, and her psuedo-BF was a huge Lightning fan. I became a really big fan of Jarome Iginla. I don't know what happened to my passion for him, but it died out. Damn lockout.

3. Speaking of the Flames, I think no name in sports gets me as excited as "Miikka Kiprusoff." When Gary Thorne used to call hockey all the time, the greatest announcer sound in sports was him screaming, "KIPRUSOFF STONED HIM!" or "KIPRUSOFF SHUT THE DOOR!" You can get it on some video games if you play with the Flames. It's unreal.

4. My frosh year of college, I had a San Jose Sharks poster on my wall, which seems out of place considering the fact that, to this day, I've never been to San Jose, California. Here's the logic: when I was buying dorm room posters, it was really cheap, and the year the Sharks made that run, I was big into them. I loved the notion of an arena being called "The Shark Tank." I don't know why, but I did, and to this day I follow the Sharks from afar (very afar). Here's the fallout from that poster: a kid on my hallway, Nick, was from San Jose, and as a result, we bonded. He was alternatively known on my floor as "Hallway Nick" (because his room was off the hallway, not in a suite), "Periodic Table Nick" (because he wore a shirt with the Periodic Table of the Elements for most, if not all, of Orientation), or "Green Nick" (he was a card carrying Green Party Member). We once watched a Sharks game and got absolutely hammered. He vomited in my bathroom. It was an interesting time to be me.

5. It seems like the Nashville Predators may have reached that all-important sports moment of "being close to knocking off your main rival." This happened with Michael Jordan and the Pistons, but never with Patrick Ewing and the Bulls (damn you, No. 23). I think the Predators might finally be able to pull something out this year in the West. They seem pretty deep, and by that I mean, I can name one player on their team -- Peter Forsberg - -and think their coach has a goofy name. "Trotz." Sounds like an epiletic horse.

6. The Ducks seem like an interesting team, especially because they have Chris Pronger, who hits like a truck and was a linchpin for the Oilers' run last year. Apparently they left Edmonton because he was boning some local TV reporter, no? That's sad. He needs a wife more like Andrei Kirilenko's.

7. In the East, you'd have to assume Sidney Crosby is the main storyline, or more specifically, "Can Sidney Crosby be the latest person to completely bring Ottawa to its collective knees?" I'd nominate another one: Ted Nolan vs. the Sabres. This could only be better if Dominik Hasek was still netminding in Buffalo. Nolan wants this one more than he wants his next breath, and I know all signs point to Buffalo winning the Cup, but how sweet would it be if the forced-out coach knocks off Buffalo in the first round of their supposed dream season? Hot damn, it would be pretty sweet.

8. I'm only at 8? Jesus. This might be tough.

9. I watched the "skate in the crease" game with a 101 fever, which ranks among my favorite "games I watched while sick" moments. I was wrapped in a blanket and basically watched the entire game because I was too enfeebled to get the remote, which was about 15 feet away. Thank God for that fever. That was a tremendous hockey game, and I'm glad I was part of it. I was also sick for Christian Laettner's shot, Knicks vs. Rockets Game 3 (i.e. The O.J. Game), and a good portion of the 1999 Georgetown Hoyas season. That was for different reasons, though.

10. As noted, I don't know that much about hockey. I was surprised to learn that Dominik "Slinky for a Spine" Hasek has only one Stanley Cup to his credit, in the odd '02 period before he retired and then returned. He's 42, and they are the 1 seed. Although I can't say I'm rooting for him -- GO FLAMES! GO SHARKS! -- I think it would be a nice storyline out west, don't you?

11. Because this list of 16 has rapidly devolved into a series of personal reflections, I'll go with another one here: the Rangers, who play ATL in the first round, were "my team," as much as a non-hockey fan can have "a team," circa 1994. I was 14 when they broke the curse, and I remember it as an electric moment. I didn't understand it at the time -- I only began to understand it more when the Yankees did it two years later, or the Sox did it in '04 -- but people were running around my usually quiet New York neighborhood, screaming and throwing things in the air and shaking cars and forming massive Conga lines. It was, in the words of Ghostbusters, "dogs and cats living together." That was a great thing to be a part of, even from a distance. It's one of the passions of the NHL playoffs that I really value.

12. Speaking of New York, all three NYC-area teams are in the playoffs. Take that, Los Angeles Kings.

13. I think one of the greatest spectacles in sports may have taken place during the Flames '04 run ("STONED BY KIPRUSOFF!"). Flames fans developed this thing called "The Red Mile" near the Saddledome -- which, just because it's shaped like a saddle, is one of the coolest arenas in the world -- which was part Vegas, part Mardi Gras, and part just plain old fun. Thousands of red-shirt-clad fans just stormed the streets and partied. Considering I was rooting for them from afar in Houston, I would have liked to partake in the Red Mile just once. Maybe they can upset the Wings and I can grab a round trip ticket to Alberta. Er, maybe not.

14. Because I've got three points left, I'll start talking now about why the NHL playoffs are unique. Reason 1: intensity. I'd say in a given year of the NBA playoffs, you have five-six games that are ridiculously memorable, "talk-about-it-the-next-day-at-work" style. In the NHL, it seems you have five to six per round. These guys lay everything on the line. You remember in 2004 when the Canucks scored that goal on the Flames in Game 7 to tie it with two seconds left? Even if you're not a hockey fan, that brings back a vague memory, no? It's just that intense, almost every round.

15. Reason 2: Anything can happen, seemingly. The Oilers broke off a run to the final last year as a 8 seed. AN EIGHT SEED. In the NBA, a 8 seed has won a series once, I think -- the famous Dikembe Mutombo ball over head vs. the Sonics thinger. The Oilers won three series, then took the Cup Finals to seven games. That's just awesome. Go Flames!

16. Reason 3: passion. The passion of hockey fans, especially the Canadian ones, is unparalleled. A game in Vancouver gets so loud you can barely hear yourself think (especially if Roberto Luongo is on this year). A game at the Saddledome probably trumps a Calgary Stampede event there (down with the Wings!). Fans seem to legitimately care, which is a playoff atmosphere you don't get nearly as much in professional sports in this era of CEOs sitting courtside with celebrities demanding 16 million a picture. So savor it - when Pronger racks someone into the boards and everyone goes nuts because they know what it means and where it's going and Oh God It's the Playoffs and I'm here, that's sports at its absolute finest.