ALLARD: TROUBLE AT THE SENATORIUM LODGE

Jean-Pierre Allard of Smarting Senators regularly channels his columns through alter ego Edna Babblecock, who is a composite of many members -- not all, mind you -- of the Sens Army. Turns out Edna isn't doing so well in the lead-up to Game 3 vs. the Devils tonight.

Hi, Hortense here. This will be quick as time is of the essence here.

Edna's absolutely sick to her stomach to the point of throwing up her low-cal breakfast all over that poor unsuspecting orderly Mr. Castor, though I suspect it's more to do with that sneaky vermin being a Leafs fan than with all the imbeciles and morons who continue to chime in with their little expert opinions (and get this, she doesn't even listen to all the sports diarrhea radio emissions) on her Sennies' chances of finally exorcising their demons of playoffs past -- well , let's not get ahead of ourselves here -- at least dancing with the Devils and tripping them up to ensure they are not the latest team to beat the crap out of us and continue their merry ways to the final dance, especially with that assistant commissioner of the NHL Lou Lamoriello sticking it to our own Bryan Murray by demonstrating to him that a successful GM (and President, CEO and Governor of all the state casinos) can easily step behind the bench and coach a team to great accomplishments.

At least have enough smarts to put a defensive centreman out there with 2.7 seconds left in a period, instead of a freaking offensive centre in your own zone, which really was the difference in that otherwise wonderful Game 2, although we all figured Ray Emery thought the period was over because we still can't figure how he could miss that 57-mph whiff by that defensive centre Brylcreem who looked like he was off-balance when he took the New Shot Heard All Around The World, one which immediately caused Patty Lalime to come out of his 35-month-long coma.

It sure didn't help one bit that the Shawville Slinger kept sending Peter Faescher and Mike Shaver on the PP because we all thought those hot and cutesy forwards were defensive specialists and it's funny because Gaylene was just observing, after she took her pills to watch the Canucks and Ducks go into extra-curricular periods, that the Sens always seem to have their little effen ducks misaligned at this time of year, and just watch she said, they'll keep feeding us them magical mushabooms and just when we're fooled into thinking they're growing into McPierre's Monsters (or is that Alice in her Neverland?) with every valiant effort from Captain Fantastic and the Very Mad Heater, they're gonna end up with green eggs all over their Walruses' faces, courtesy of the Deviled EGG line.

Then Lyin' Bryan will have no choice but get his lame sitting ducks up and re-align them as GM of Columbus where they have a very decent ball team I'm told, but its blades of glory suck even worse than the old California Golden Seals. We quickly reasoned with her to take another pill because you see, the rest of us who are daily readers of Senators Official Propaganda (AKA The Ottawa Citizen) are unequivocally convinced that this year will be different than in the past nine years

As proof, Ottawa's mayor has shut his yap so far and stayed out of our hockey business for a change and the Sens are a true battle-tested Army getting all kinds of support from the community on Red Fridays, though I'll never get used to red jeans, and will find a way to win games, even on nights when they only bother to play 59 minutes and 57.3 seconds, or Anything-But-Sweet Lou is working the clock, although to be frank, enough already of Murray aping Don Cherry with trying to play with six skaters on the ice because The Flower once proved that was a dumb idea…

Anyways, another reason the Sens will go far this year, other than for reasons of saving Ole Man Muckler's posterior and that of his pal-in-crime Mr. (Squeakly) Clean, is that there are ugly rumours the councillor for the Glebe Clive Doucet will coerce ALL of his City Hall mates into passing a by-law to the effect that ALL 1,301 employees of the Ottawa Senatorium Club will be forced to attend ALL remaining home games of their parent club, the Ottawa Lynx (you know the little team that former mayor Bob Whatever and the rest of the hockey-mad citizens turned their backs on), if the Devils do to the Senators what the Buffalo Sabres did last year and Leafs did in all other years before the 1999 Sabres started this most vexing habit of Ottawa letting their unconditional and rich, baseball-indifferent fans hang out to dry at a time.

All of the team's fans, and those who know hockey too, thought all that is needed to win Lord Stanley's legacy is wear those expensive red sweaters all over the offices, restaurants and, Good Lord, Justin Trudeau's dad's National Arts Centre too -- doesn't anybody get dressed up anymore? -- or disgrace their used Beamers and monster SUVs with those stupid little flags that do nothing but make people spill their coffees and quadruple chocolate heart attackers while idling incessantly at the Tim Hortons,

Some vehicular experts like the aforementioned Doucet are thinking that's bad for the environment and are thinking -- say, how about less thinking and more action, like better and cheaper medicinal marijuana at the lodge here? – let’s tax all them cars with those red flags and put the money toward converting Lynx Stadium into another city-owned parking lot.

The Senators, though, would prefer it to be made into a huge skating rink with retractable roof so they can perfect, during the summer months, the doctrine of playing 60 minutes a game.

Jean-Pierre Allard is a freelance writer who has been following the Expos/Senators for MVN since 2004. In addition, he has covered the Ottawa Senators since 2004-05 on MVN and now will chronicle the 2007 Ottawa Lynx, the Philadelphia Phillies' Triple-A team.

His work has also been published in the Washington Times, Ottawa Citizen, Ottawa Sun, Toronto Sun, Calgary Herald, Vancouver Province and Ottawa City Woman Magazine. As a sports historian, he has also appeared on Global TV, CBC radio and SRC radio.