DAMN VIKINGS: GREEN BAY IN 3 DAYS; HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH?

My Minnesota Vikings have created a Doomsday Scenario, in two parts.

Let's leave aside yesterday's 26-13 linen soiling at the hands of the New York Jets. The less said about the end of Brad Johnson's days as starting quarterback, the better.

Part 1 of the Doomsday Scenario: The Vikes now have to go into Green goddamn Bay on Thursday for a December night game with their pass defence in disarray and the Packers still vying for a playoff berth. Their chances are only slightly less remote than the Vikings', but you know how the NFL likes to hype their prime-time broadcasts. The hated, but respected Brett Favre is still Brett Favre on occasion, especially if the opposing secondary is leaking oil three lanes wide.

The Vikings QB who should be playing, rookie Tarvaris Jackson (pictured), has never started. Vikings coach Brad Childress might decide that only three days between games is not enough time for Jackson to get ready. (He hasn't decided.)

It's not about the Vikings' oh-so-slim playoff hopes anymore. Playoffs, schmlayoffs has been the refrain since that Monday night shellacking against Nouvelle-Angleterre* a few weeks back. At least now, as Daily Norseman noted, there should be no way Vikings coach Brad Childress doesn't start Jackson vs. Green goddamn Bay. Of course, the attack Childress has been waging on the forces of logic this season has been much more inventive than the actual Minnesota offence... so you never know.

If Jackson starts, Vikings fans will have to listen to all the expert analysis about how a rookie's going to be intimidated playing at Lambeau Field, as if he was facing the 1966 Packers. Then there's all the myriad Favre/Lambeau mystique bullflop -- which will be spewing forth from Bryant Gumbel, no less. Man, haven't Vikings fans already had to swallow enough over the last few years? Please, let's not go over what happened at the end of the 2003 season again.

Favre-carving has been passé for a while now. Even his buddy John Madden is slagging him -- when Philip Rivers threw a boneheaded interception tonight in the Kansas City-San Diego game last night, Madden noted it was the type of error Favre often makes. When even Madden is knocking his best buddy Favre, you know that ripping on him is no longer edgy.

Besides, Vikings fans are resigned to the deep-down suspicion that No. 4 is going to torment us until the end of time. In my mind's eye, I see myself waking up in 2025... doing the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle with my bride... Minnesota-born Rachael Leigh Cook, who will look better than any 46-year-old mother of three (Joni, Zevon and Neil) has any right to look... Both of us will be fully aware but will not give voice to our mutual fear that Favre is going to come of retirement 10 minutes before pregame warmups and throw for 342 yards and four touchdowns.

(Yes, RLC is married now. Don't bother me with details.)

Anyhow, some would say a matchup of 6-8 teams having playoff implications is a pretty damning indictment of the current state of the NFC, but that's neither here nor there. This sucks.

Now, this part only affects Vikings fans, but Part 2 involves all of you.

Part 2 of the Doomsday Scenario: The Vikings and Packers' wins over Detroit the past two weeks have pushed the Lions that much closer to finishing dead last and ending up with the No. 1 overall draft choice.

Back in the summer, there was hope the Packers would end up near the bottom of the NFL so they could draft star Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn. Uniting Quinn with his brother-in-law A.J. Hawk would thus limit TV producers' incentive to show close-ups Laura Quinn-Hawk in the stands cheering and clapping with those man-hands of hers for the next 10 years, like they did when Brady and A.J. were opponents in last year's Fiesta Bowl.

Now there's the very real possibility of Brady Quinn and A.J. Hawk ending up on opposing teams in Minnesota's division. That means manifold opportunities for Laura Quinn-Hawk to get on TV wearing a split Lions/Packers jersey. (Look at those man-hands: She could probably catch and gut a 10-lb. trout without using a fishing rod, or a knife.) Ms. Quinn-Hawk would probably even wear it to games against the Vikings to show her support for the family member playing elsewhere that week. The mind reels.

You know the line Garrison Keillor states in A Prairie Home Companion -- "We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient... this will pass." Vikings fans who grew up with Minnesota nice could stomach all this, but it's a bit much for one raised in small-town Ontario.

To sum up: Playoff hopes out to be officially snuffed out by Green goddamn Bay. The Chicago Bears with home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, and the very real possibility of having the Quinn-Hawk triumvirate in the NFC North, but on opposing teams, well into the next decade.

The Church of Childress and the Tao of Tarvaris aren't providing much affirmation this morning. Damn Vikings.

(* Neil Acharya and myself have decided the New England Patriots will be Nouvelle-Angleterre here from now on.)

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.