BON VOYAGE, MAYOR BOB

Fortunately, in Ottawa, one is never lacking in satirical targets, but we're lighter one today. Bob Chiarelli, the man whom Hockey Night in Canada's Harry Neale once invited to "take a big bite of my ass," is no longer our mayor. Larry O'Brien, the self-made millionaire who's never sat through an entire city council meeting -- and early on in the campaign, even ducked out early from a debate -- won a landslide victory last night.

Mayor Bob didn't even get 20% of the vote. By 8:25 p.m., O'Brien had already been declared the winner. Alex Munter, whom some people have been saying would be mayor some day since he was a teenager, also got destroyed. Don't cry for Munter. He's only 38, so there's plenty of time for him yet.

O'Brien's move to style himself as an anti-politician was masterful. Now that it's actually worked, it's like the last scene in The Candidate, where Robert Redford says, "What do we do now?" It's anyone guess as to how well O'Brien will adjust from being a heavy hitter in the business world to being surrounded by City Hall bureaucrats.

The hope here was that Mayor Bob would go all Few Good Men last night. Here's what it could have sounded like:

"Ottawa, we live in a city that is built on pointless and silly bylaws, and those pointless and silly bylaws have to be guarded by pointy-headed politicians. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Larry O'Brien? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom.

"You throw you lot in with Larry O'Brien, and you curse politicians. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That my reign as mayor, while tragicomic, probably kept this city running. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, keeps this city running. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me in the mayor's chair, you need me in the mayor's chair.

"We use convoluted bureaucratic gobbledygook. We use this convoluted bureaucratic gobbledygook as the backbone of a life spent keeping this city running. You use it as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a city who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very municipal services that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way."

Of course, Mayor Bob had to go and be classy about it and congratulate Larry O'Brien. Which is the right thing to do, but a great opportunity was missed.

Last word on Bob is to recount the pranking the Buffalo Beast gave him back in May, right before the Sabres knocked the Senators out of the playoffs.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.