BLEEDING TRICOLOUR: THE GOLDEN GAELS RESEMBLE AN ED WOOD MOVIE

"I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What am I supposed to do, make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"
-- Jerry, in the Seinfeld episode "The Chinese Restaurant"

Actually, it was a perfect day in Kingston yesterday to go to a bad football game by yourself and make sarcastic remarks to strangers. The Queen's Golden Gaels, on offence in particular, resembled an Ed Wood movie (or to update the reference, a bad reality show) in losing 34-13 to the No. 5-ranked Ottawa Gee-Gees at Richardson Stadium.

Some people would stop reading right here, figuring that a ranked team such as the Gee-Gees should be about 21 points better than the Gaels. This wasn't the standard instance of a powerhouse beating a struggling team by three touchdowns. Far from it. Ottawa was just so-so and was ripe for the taking, but Queen's didn't execute.

Wood was the 1950s and '60s B-movie director whose movies were so bad that they, and he, achieved a certain notoriety among movie buffs. With Canadian football, especially the university brand, you can't enjoy it without a little ironic detachment, so let it be said that by the time the final gun sounded yesterday, the Gaels had achieved a certain kind of Wood-esque grandeur. This isn't an indictment of Pat Sheahan's coaching staff and players, who had such high hopes coming into the season; it just is what is. The ability seems to be there, but each week odd coaching decisions and mental breakdowns cost the Gaels.

As noted previously, it's a semi-shame that Queen's (2-4, and amazingly still controlling its own destiny in the Ontario University Athletics playoff race) can't get their act together on offence, since the defence is playing great, even without injured all-star linebacker Ian Hazlett. The Gaels second-year quarterback, Dan Brannagan, seems lost, playing behind an offensive line that has given up few sacks but can't run block, meaning the QB is constantly in second-and-long situations. They did have some success with a 13-play drive to start the third quarter, but a pass was dropped in the end zone and they ended up missing the field goal. Ottawa scored later in the quarter to go up 24-6, and that was that.

Brannagan, last year's OUA rookie of the year has seen his passing yardage drop each week during the four-game losing skid, hitting a nadir with yesterday's 11-for-29, 59-yard showing. A person with the surname Brannagan did take home about $340 for winning the 50/50 draw, so apparently the day wasn't a total loss for the young QB's family.

Queen's longest offensive play in the game's first three quarters was on a pass from a kicker to a linebacker on a fake punt. Even their one touchdown, a 23-yarder from backup QB Ibrahim Zylstra to Brad Smith during all-over-but-the-crying time, seemed as much luck as skill, as Smith was able to grab a fluttering, underthrown ball. Zylstra, out of Brantford, is inexperienced but after seeing him go for 4-for-6 for 88 yards in garbage time, starting him against lowly York on Saturday should at least be considered.

The quarterback's stats usually reflect his blocking and his coaching. Brannagan is sixth in the country in passing yards, but that's misleading since many teams in other conferences have played one less game. In the most telling stat for quarterbacks, average yards per attempt, he's next-to-last among OUA starters, barely ahead of Waterloo's Jon Morbey, who led a last-minute drive to beat Queen's two weeks ago.

Anyway, this is not about me being a football know-it-all, or rattling off strings of statistics in a way to put the Gaels' showing in perspective. Let's just say with the trees resplendent in their fall colours and a bigger than expected crowd on hand for a Thanksgiving weekend game, it was a perfect day to go to a bad football game by yourself and make sarcastic remarks to strangers. General Jerkishness was AWOL. This was kitsch, or camp. Laughter is the best medicine when it comes to this Queen's football season.

So just a few vignettes to try to put this game in perspective. This all actually happened, and believe it or not, all within the last two minutes of the first half.

• Late in the first half, trailing just 9-3, Queen's defence stopped Gee-Gees quarterback Josh Sacobie cold on a third and goal from the 1-yard line.
  
  Taking over on their own goal line, Queen's called an option play -- a risky call at any time for a team that doesn't feature the option, let alone from your own 1-yard line. Brannagan pitched the ball a good three yards ahead of tailback Billy Burke, who had to fall on the ball for a safety.
  
  So much for the element of surprise. "Maybe that's what they were counting on," one fan remarked. "No one else has ever done it."
  
  (That was the second of four Ottawa safeties. On the last two, Queen's conceded the two points on possessions that began at their own 22- and 20-yard line)
• About a minute after the option from the 1-yard line fiasco, the Gaels recovered a fumbled punt on Ottawa's 29-yard line, I turned to a group of alumni and asked, "OK, how many yards can we safely lose here and stay in field goal range?" (Let the record show that after the Gaels gained minus-2 yards on the next two plays, Ryan Elger did hit a 39-yard knuckleball, into the wind, for the field goal.)
• Oh, and the last play of the half... it appeared the clock had run out when Queen's pulled down a scrambling Sacobie at the Gaels 43-yard-line. Nope, said the refs, Ottawa gets one more play. Not to go all Tuesday Morning Quarterback, but with only one play and the ball on the 43-yard line, would it stand to reason that Ottawa might call a Hail Mary pass?
  
  None of the Queen's defenders backed up all the way to the goal line, and Sacobie's Hail Mary was caught by David Crane for the TD. Now it was 18-6 Gee-Gees, and you could have written "game over" in your notebook.

At halftime I was talking with a Queen's fan who sees most of the games and he said it's been hard to watch the Gaels struggle, noting that they have "tons of talent." That's more damning than it sounds. Among Queen's fans, it's generally recognized that the Gaels are never going to be the most talented or physically imposing team (high admissions standards, don't you know). So it's OK if they get beat by a program that has superior athletes and a means for offering bursaries to student-athletes, but strange choices by the coaches and sloppiness on the part of the players is especially bad.

Believe it or not, the Gaels (2-4) still control their own destiny in the race for the final OUA playoff spot despite four straight losses. Beat York (1-5) this Saturday and they probably get in as the No. 6 seed, even if the Guelph Gryphons, a much more dangerous team at this point, knock off Windsor this weekend.

Queen's has the tiebreaker advantage in the event of a three-way tie with Guelph and Waterloo or a tie with Guelph in the standings. Waterloo has the advantage over Queen's, plus a season finale at home against York, so barring an upset there by the lowly Lions, playoff hopes will rest on the Western game on Oct. 21. Western, by their standards, are very beatable this year, but it may not matter.

The Gaels should probably consider themselves lucky that they beat Guelph back in Week 2 and that the Gryphons (a) lost to Laurier in OT and to Western in the final seconds (b) got the short end of the stick in scheduling since the team they don't play is lowly York.

So, for the Gaels to beat York and keep their playoff hopes alive... is that too much to ask? Even Ed Wood's movies must have had the occasional scene that he absolutely nailed.

Related:
Shakeup Saturday in the CIS (Oct. 8)
Queen's Homecoming: There's No "I" in Golden Gaels... (Sept. 16)

Back with more later (after the turkey). Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.