THE GLORIOUS GUEST POST: JOHN LACKEY -- THOSE FIRST FOUR LETTERS OF HIS LAST NAME DON'T MEAN NOTHING

Hello, friends. Ted here, author of A Price Above Bip Roberts. I've got some thoughts, and I'm gonna share 'em. Hey, you - put down that pillow. It won't be that boring.

Back a few years ago (read: last night), I was obsessed with Jessica Simpson. For a long time, I thought she represented the ideal woman: ridiculously hot, controlled by her father (thus aware of certain male-female dynamics), a good singer, really dumb (not as likely to challenge an argument), seemingly involved in good causes (Operation Smile), someone you could take to Karaoke, and, purportedly, a virgin until marriage. Values, too.

That's the rumor - Jessica's apparent calling of her mother the day after her honeymoon began to tell her "I love sex!" is right up there in Simpson family lore with Joe (the father) saying of his daughter's breasts, "She's got Double Ds. You can't cover them suckers up" - but certain Internet sites claim a different truth. While you can't trust anything you read on the 'Net (read: this post), one message board I came across during the height of my obsession with Simpson claimed to have various posts from the area of Texas she grew up in. "The virgin rumor is totally untrue," they claimed. "Jessica slept with half the athletes at school."

I didn't think much of it at the time - I kind of tossed it aside as either "typical" or "inane computer ramblings" - but now it makes a lot more sense. A lot more sense.

Jessica Simpson may well have slept with John Lackey.

See, you can ignore for a moment the fact that I believe Simpson spent a good portion of her upbringing in Richardson, TX. Lackey spent his in Abilene, where Simpson was born. While at Abilene High, he played football, basketball, and baseball (the latter for his dad), winning multiple All-District First Team Honors. You know the type. I mean, the dude is 6-6, 235 right now, so you figure he towered over high school competition, generally dominating it in the process.

If you really think about it - a picture of Lackey is with this post - he kind of looks like Simpson's current flame, John Mayer, although ostensibly without the musical talent. I don't think the teenage Simpson cared so much about that. She was in her "pre-Lachey" phase, which was probably a combo of bad boy + athlete, and I'm sure she didn't scoff at size. Lackey would have been, in many respects, a perfect fit.

It's a perfect fit also because of this sheer fact: Simpson, for all her assets and gifts, deserves an alpha male. Lackey, in almost every respect, is an alpha male, even if he doesn't get the props he should. Even on his own team, people always want to holler "Bartolo," but check this out: won Game 7 of the 2002 World Series, securing the Angels their first title (first rookie since 1909 to do that, at the time); gave up a meaningless double last summer to his arch-rival As, and then set down 27 straight batters, meaning he was one hook curve away from a perfect game; 14 wins in 2005, lasting until the sixth inning or better thirty times; and a 30.2 IP scoreless streak last summer as well.

Sure, he's not eye candy - Rex Hudler calls him "Big John," although other monikers might also be appropriate - and sure, he throws a lot of wild pitches, and sure, he plays most of the time at 10:30pm EST, so you may have no idea what's going on with him, but let's be honest: Lackey is an alpha male beast. This season, for the red-hot (excepting today) Angels? He's 2-0, with a 0.75 ERA. He claims it usually takes him a bit longer to get his feet wet; makes sense, considering his last few Julys. Uh, can you imagine if he's peaking then? He's an easy 20-game winner, maybe even 24 or so, pending injuries and the explosion/stagnation potential of an older Angels offense.

Regardless of your take, it all comes back to this: there's a chance, somewhere out there, that way back when, this hurler saw a younger, less-famous-and-enhanced Jessica Simpson in the buff. It would make almost perfect sense (in my warped mind) that he did, and you know what? He deserves it. If we ain't gonna anoint him as one of the AL's best hurlers, we might as well throw him a cheap fling with one of America's most desired women.

More non-sensical ramblings about athletes and their previous conquests can be found here.