NBA JAM: MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES

In our continuing rundown on the NBA season, Neate looks at the Northwest Division, specifically the Minnesota Timberwolves.

Last season: 33-49, 14th in Western Conference
Coach: Dwane Casey (who may be the first coach fired)
New faces: Ex-Raptor Mike James, Randy Foye
Funny-looking white guy: Mark Madsen
Blogs: Wolves Watch, I Heart KG, 10,000 Takes

You'll soon read something like this from some random newspaper columnist:

MINNEAPOLIS -- Kevin Garnett spent his off-season schilling for adidas, visiting the Great Wall of China and the Taj Mahal.

Now that he's had a month of the Mike James Experience, he probably wishes the promo tour could have lasted until next April.

Now, regular readers know I have a Minnesota fetish that extends out from being a diehard Vikings fan and watching any piece of crap movie that Minneapolis native Rachael Leigh Cook (see Top 5 Movie Girlfriends) stars in. There's a soft spot for the state's teams -- the baseball Twins, the Wild in hockey, even the Minnesota Golden Gophers, especially if they end up in a third-tier bowl game against a team from a Red State. Being a T-Wolves sympathizer, though, never took.

As for this year, their management evidently signed Mike James without ever seeing him hijack the Raptors last season. Maybe the T-Wolves owed Toronto a favour -- after all, MLSE did take Rob Babcock off their hands.

Secondly, they cut Paul Shirley, who might be the funniest man to ever play pro sports, with the possible exception of Bill (Spaceman) Lee. How can you not keep a guy who describes going up against Mark Madsen in scrimmages as a "flurry of paleness" and says he found the female population in the Twin Cities to be "better-looking than those in Kansas City, but just as predisposed to prudish behavior." (There go my plans to send a resumé to the St. Paul Pioneer Press.)

The T-Wolves will miss Shirley's dry humour, since it's going to get ugly this year. James is the kind of gotta-get-my-shots-first point guard who's going to play for 30-win teams his whole career, and with the exception of KG and lottery pick Randy Foye, these guys have the ability and commitment of a bunch of short-timers. Despite that, second place in the weak Northwest is not of the realm of possibility.

Backup centre Mark Madsen is exempt from this gross generalization, since he works so hard to have a NBA career. Remember that Seinfeld episode when Jerry holds up a scrap of lettuce in front of George Costanza and says, "This is the part of your brain not obsessed with sex?" Well, with Madsen, that scrap would represent his actual NBA-level basketball ability, and the rest of the lettuce would be his enthusiasm and hustle.

The blog 10,000 Takes has started a KG Farewell Tour. He's kind of like what Mats Sundin has been to the Leafs: Great player, but his team hasn't put enough talent around him to generate a serious championship run. So he always gets a lot of criticism he doesn't deserve. What the 30-year-old Garnett does deserve, though, is a chance to go play for a winner while he's still young enough to be a major contributor.

Also in Northwest: Denver Nuggets, Portland Trail Blazers, Seattle Supersonics, Utah Jazz

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