ANOTHER FRIDAY NIGHT, WORKIN' AT THE GAS-N-GULP

But let me just say one thing: I've always wanted to be a sportcaster. Yet clever metaphors and catchphrases escape me. Like a fat girl waving her trophy from the smell contest.

• Jays score nine in the ninth, thump Tampa Bay 13-4. I've mentioned John Gibbons' similarities with his former Mets manager, Davey Johnson; another striking Jays-1980s met similarity is that Reed Johnson is a little like a righty-hitting version of a young Lenny Dykstra: a scrappy little guy who hits about seven homers a year but figures he should hit 200. By the way, here's an assessment of the Jays' first two months from John Brattain of The Hardball Times:
  
  

  If you would’ve told me that come the end of May, A.J. Burnett was on the DL and had only made two starts, Josh Towers went 1-8, 9.00 ERA before being out righted to the minors, Gustavo Chacin had an ERA over five, Ty Taubenheim was in the rotation, Russ Adams had been sent down to Triple-A, keystone partner Aaron Hill had an OPS well south of .650, Troy Glaus had played a game at SS -- chances are good that there’d be so much profanity in this column you’d think I was doing an unauthorized biography of David Samson and so much whining, crying, and snivelling that you thought you were listening to a Jann Arden’s Greatest Hits CD.

• Well, Ricky Williams sure looked fast on that one play where he ran east-west for about 3 yards. Four carries, seven yards, in his pre-season CFL debut. However, the Argos did take a shot at Stupid Joe with a scoreboard stunt.
• This has to be a first: a female professional athlete facing a paternity suit. LPGA player Jackie Gallagher-Smith's ex-caddie dropped his claim alleging she seduced him in order to get pregnant. This is more confusing than Father's Day at Prince Albert of Monaco' s house.
• You know you want to visit the Drunk Athlete website. Tonight, Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki will be on opposite sides in Game 6 of the Western Conference final. But there was a time they got pissed-up together.
• Fark.com has the best line about the Jake Plummer road-rage saga: "Lawyer plans to introduce well-known evidence that Plummer is unable to hit anything after Thanksgiving."
• "He sends an invitation to the Finals party, and it's B-Y-O-B.: Bring your own booo-yah!" With Shaq leading Miami to the NBA Finals, what better time to reflect on a classic SNL sketch.
• A tractor-trailer carrying a load of Smirnoff's Ice crashed in Ohio the other day, spilling booze all over the highway. Sadly for all concerned, this did not happen near a sorority house.

That's all for now. Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.